Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Jesus Loves J. Tillman

Jesus Interviews J. Tillman
J. Tillman - Seven States Across.mp3
J. Tillman - Darling Night.mp3
J. Tillman - Cecille My Love.mp3
J. Tillman - Wayward Glance Blues.mp3

There is a musician that has been making the blog rounds lately by the name of J. Tillman. The reason why blogs have been hyping him is because their music tastes are good, and J. Tillman is better than whatever you are currently writing about on your blog. If you have yet to hear these MP3’s, they are a must download. In fact, I might start making that official in order to get through My gates. When you die, there will be a big courtroom hearing. God is going to ask you if you are sinless. You are going to say no. He is going to say you are unworthy of getting into Heaven. You will then say that you are friends with Me. God will then say that you are therefore mostly worthy of entering through the Gates, but then he will ask you if you have downloaded “Seven States Across” from an MP3 blog. You will answer that you happened upon it on Gorilla Vs. Bear. He will smile and let you pass Him, and as you walk through the gates, he will slap you on the butt and say “ain’t that J. Tillman song killer?” To which you should reply, “yep, God, that song was good”.

Now many of you will argue about some native tribe in some jungle that never had the chance to access the internet, how is this fair for those who have not ever been to Gorilla Vs. Bear? Quit your griping and believe. Perhaps in the beauty of a sunset they will hear the soft melody of “Seven States Across”. Or maybe they will hear that melody during the birth of a child… but probably not. Either way, for the last time, we got the Aborigines covered, so quit using that as a crutch to not be friends with Me.

I’m off topic. Long story short, I, Jesus Christ, the Son of Man, absolutely love what I have heard of J. Tillman. I emailed him some gushing fan mail that included some interview questions. Mr. J. Tillman was game. Here is what transpired.


JC: Hey J. Tillman, what seven states are you talking about?

J. Tillman: Don't know, but for the sake of answering your question I guess maybe because there are usually at least seven states between where people grow up and where they'd like to end up. Figuratively.

JC: Hey J. Tillman, you think you'll end up in Heaven or Hell?

J. Tillman: I'm counting on not dying.


JC: Hey J. Tillman, who would you most want to sing a duet with?

J. Tillman: Levon Helm. With both of us playing drums.


JC: Hey J. Tillman, you think you could take Damien Jurado in a fight? he's pretty big.

J. Tillman: One time in Pittsburgh a drunk heckler got on stage and Damien just lit a cigarette, blew smoke in his face and said "You can either get off the stage, or I can throw you off the stage." I don't know if he's ever had to get in a fight.


JC: Hey J. Tillman, if you can't take Damien Jurado, what about the dude from Iron And Wine?

J. Tillman: Don't you mean "Cryin' and Whine"?


JC: Hey J. Tillman, what one artist has influenced you the most?

J. Tillman: Neil Young.


JC: Hey J. Tillman, what one artist has influenced you the least?

J. Tillman: Iron and Wine.


JC: Hey J. Tillman, do you think knowing Me is the only way to Heaven?

J. Tillman: I really only "know" people on Friendster.


JC: Hey J. Tillman, did you get Sufjan Stevens pregnant?

J. Tillman: Hypothetically, would that prevent me from getting into heaven?


JC: Hey J. Tillman, would you let them play one of your songs during a romantic barn scene on "Smallville"?

J. Tillman: I've done worse things for money, Jesus.


Thanks J. Tillman, for this very insightful interview. I feel I need to clear a few things up regarding this interview above. First, I, being God, know a lot about humor, and let Me just tell you that, in the past 2 months, there have been a lot of funny things said down there on Earth… however, J. Tillman referring to Sam Beam as “Cryin’ and Whine” is hands down the funniest thing said on Earth in the past 2 months. If you think you have probably heard something funnier, you haven’t. I know because I’m God. I’m right and you just don’t get pure hilarity. Second, J. Tillman has never sold his body in a sexual way to in order to make money for a car payment. When he referred to have “done worse things for money”, I know what he is talking about and please don’t worry, J. Tillman is not a male prostitute. Not that this would be a problem. I have lots of cool prostitute friends, and if J. Tillman later in life decides to become a male prostitute, I would not love him any less. In fact, if J. Tillman later in life decides to become a female prostitute, although both expensive and difficult, I would still absolutely love J. Tillman… mostly because of the song “Seven States Across” but also because I love all of humanity. That being said, J. Tillman is cool as crap and I thank him for giving Me the time to answer My questions.


Other interviews with Jesus:

16 Comments:

At 8:32 PM, Blogger rocketblogger said...

Jesus, I always knew you had good taste in music, but damn! When God slaps me on the butt and asks me that question, would I be penalized for slapping His butt back and saying a hearty "hell yeah"?
You're cool as crap, too, Jesus.

 
At 7:56 AM, Blogger farris said...

Jesus,

Not only thanks for everything you've done in the past since Creation, but also thanks for taking time to ask an amazing person like J. Tillman questions. If you can do something cosmically to get video of Damien Jurado lighting a cigarette and confronting a guy on stage, that'd be great. Also, I'm moving this week, so if I could have a safe drive accross this country (or should I call it "Your Country") that would be great. Thanks!

 
At 9:09 AM, Blogger notjones said...

....and Whine” is hands down the funniest thing said on Earth in the past 2 months. If you think you have probably heard something funnier, you haven’t.

i have, today;

"we were laughing so hard we coughed our tampons out"

crude, but funny.

 
At 11:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

does anyone else find the bash on iron and wine unessicary? especially considering tillman's recordings, seems like some one is doing a little of his own whining? perhaps he's just heard one too many comparisons of his music by people who don't really know his "scene" (if you will) that well. regardless, jesus, i found it to be probably the least witty comment in the whole b-log. props to levon helm though!

 
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