Sunday, May 28, 2006

Thats Great, It Starts With An Earthquake


So, what happens when you mix one of the hottest males alive with one of the hottest females alive? Many have been wondering if the child of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt would be the most physically perfect human? Well, I guess they seem to think so, because they seriously… seriously… seriously… (this is difficult for Me to type) they seriously named their baby Shiloh Nouvel. Yep, ladies and gentlemen, that translates into “Messiah New.” Oh crap. Doesn’t it say somewhere that riiiight before I start My big bad comeback scene, little new Messiahs will start popping up everywhere? Well, I guess that you don’t have too much to worry about yet, because so far I think that only makes one person imitating the Son of Man. Yeah, I can’t think of any others… not one. I guess you don’t have too much to worry about then. False alarm.

And if you’re gonna name a kid after somebody cool, I guess you could do worse. Didn’t that guy whose name is Earl name his simple and dumb kid after a Grandaddy song? And there’s probably a good pun somewhere regarding an ex of Mr. Pitt naming her kid “Apple” and the whole “tree of knowledge” thing. If you’re thinking there’s probably not a good pun in there, well I guess you’re not the Son of God, then, are you? …unless you are the new Messiah baby, shoot! Hey Brad, see if that kid can walk on water!

What I’m trying to say is… welcome to the world New Messiah Jolie Pitt! I will bless you a little more than the average, kid, because with a name like that, you’re gonna need it. With humor as ripe as a Vice President shooting a friend in the face, let the jokes begin!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

The Jesus Christ TV Awards!

Hello, and welcome to the first annual Jesus Christ TV Awards! Now that the 2005-2006 television season is officially wrapped, I think it is time to start handing out some of these awards.

30 Hours Of Life Stolen From Americans – “American Idol”

My Favorite TV Person Who Loves Me – Dog The Bounty Hunter (Runner Up – Echo from “Lost”)

Lamest Show With The Most Potential – “How I Met Your Mother”

Best Dad On TV – Keith Mars on “Veronica Mars” (Runner Up – The dad on “Everybody Hates Chris”)

Saddest Decline From Something Fun To Something Painful – “Smallville”

Comedy Gold – Jaime Pressly on “My Name Is Earl”

Best Guilty Pleasure – “Most Extreme Elimination”

Worst Guilty Pleasure – “2 And A Half Men”

Best Almost Non-Cheesy Life Lessons – “My Name Is Earl”

Best Music On TV – “The Alternative” on VH1

Favorite Reality Contestant – Santino from “Project Runway”

Worst Cable Channel – MTV

Most Welcome New Cable Channel – Current

Show That Made Me Laugh Out Loud More Than “Arrest Development” – “The Office”

Best Show To Quickly Tivo Through – “Ebert and Roeper”

Best Reality Show – “Beauty And The Geek”

TV Personality Trying To Take My Job - Oprah

SNL MVP – Amy Poehler

SNL Secret Weapon – Will Forte

Show That Could Have Changed The World But Sucked – “The Book Of Daniel”

Summer Show That I’m Interested To See If It’s Any Good Because I Love Zach Galifianakis – “Man Bites Dog”

Show That Deserves More – “Scrubs”

Funniest Talking Head – Joel McHale

Show Most In Need Of A Major Makeover – “Survivor”

Science Fiction Taking A Step Backward From “Firefly” – “Battlestar Galactica”

Best Show For Bloggers – “Best Week Ever”

Show That Sucks And Isn’t Funny That Won “Best Comedy” From The Golden Globes – “Desperate Housewives”

Show That Tons Of People Watch That Is Lamer Than “Desperate Housewives” – “Greys Anatomy”

Best Theme Song – “The Daily Show”

Best Cartoon – “Justice League”

Best Show On TV – “Veronica Mars”

Show That I Sometimes This Is Better Than “Veronica Mars” But Isn’t – “Lost”

Worst Show On TV – “The View”

Show Satan Works Through The Most – “The O.C.”

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Comics, Vampires, and the Lost season finale

As many of you can easily tell by reading those popular books about Me (insert “DaVinci Code” jokes here), I am a big fan of comic books! Hitting a comic shop every Wednesday is a habit of Mine, and since where I come from money actually does grow on trees, spending 3 bucks on 10 minutes of entertainment isn’t a stretch. I usually stick with the main big boys of comics, but every now and then I pick up something more random. One thing that is becoming more and more common these days are comics where Me or My Dad have a supporting or starring role. I usually steer clear from these because it seems a little gimmicky and I hate it when people make up a fictitious version of Me just to make a point. Very annoying, and some might even argue blasphemous. I’m strongly against blaspheming…. blaspheming and the Dixie Chicks purposely stirring up two year old controversy about them that most of the world already forgot about. So, for the record (and this is probably already on the record somewhere) I, Jesus Christ the Son Of God, am against blaspheming and the new Dixie Chicks album, no matter what Rolling Stone wants Me to believe (think Pitchfork will like it?). Please feel free to quote that last sentence. Put it on signs and hold it up at baseball games.
Back to My point… and there originally was a point to that last paragraph, which is this... I usually stay clear from comics that have Me as a character because they are usually a little too cheesy for my comic loving tastes… but all that changed today. Why, you ask? Because I found the best idea for a comic ever (see photo below)!

That's the front of the comic cover. Sorry for the flash glare. That's a vampire bite on My neck if you couldn't tell. Now, check out the back cover!

That’s right! Best comic idea ever! Many of you have wondered, and I know this is true because I know all your thoughts, what WOULD Jesus do if vampires attacked the world? Well, now your questions can be answered, because this comic plays out almost EXACTLY how I would actually react to a massive vampire outbreak! Actually, I haven’t read it yet, and I’m guessing this will be just about as gimmicky as the normal “Jesus as a silly pop culture” character, but how about that cover! Or, how about that cover price?! Worth it!

Which brings Me to My next topic. Many of you have been wondering, what is Sawyer from “Lost” was a vampire? What would Sawyer look like? Well, lucky for you, the dude who plays Sawyer just so happened to play a vampire on an episode of the Buffy spin-off “Angel.” Here’s some screen caps I found on an Buffy message board because the Son of Man has waaay too much time on His hands.

And in that classic mental debate of the “Lost” finale Vs. the “American Idol” finale Vs. “Spending Time” with Me… all I can say is, thank Me for Tivos!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

‘Bout Time!

Madonna gets crucified each night of her new tour, and all I can say is it’s about time. Why didn’t anybody think of this sooner? Now, those of you who know Me, know that I would throw in a little shock value from time to time. Remember when I said I didn’t come to bring peace, but a sword? I make sure parties have the alcohol flowing. Hookers wash My feet with their hair at get-togethers. I spit in the dirt and rub it in people’s eyes. I flip tables. I know a thing or two about shock value… and I’ve seen enough wannabe preachers in My time to know desperation through shock value when I see it. You ever have some religious freak tell you that “fags go to Hell”? To Me, that’s kinda like being fake crucified on a mirror ball cross with a microphone… meaning it’s more lame than righteous culture shock.

With one desperate “lesbian” kiss to Britney, Madonna blew away her gift of being culturally relevant and it is depressing to see her attempt to reclaim her past glory. You would think being crucified on a mirror cross might be a little shocking, but she used to disturb the world more by simply dancing through burning crosses and kissing black priests. She has crossed the line… not of offending, but for her, much worse… she has crossed the line where nobody cares. This feels like a flailing attempt to grasp onto anything that might rattle ones nerves, but it only looks like someone flailing to not fall on their face.

That being said, that song “Hung Up” is amazing! Throwaway pop that makes Me wiggle every time I hear it. She has a knack for these songs, and I will defiantly stand by My claim that “Music” was one of the best albums of 2000. Most of you have probably already heard this, but this Death Cab For Cutie Vs. Madonna Remix is killer.

Death Cab For Cutie Vs. Madonna – Hung Up On Soul.mp3

Monday, May 22, 2006

If The Pixies Ruled The World

Pixies fans, unite! A few weeks ago, I mentioned Matthew's Celebrity Pixies Covers. These mp3s are just about the coolest things I’ve found on the web. This guy is able to record the classic songs of The Pixies as if they were recorded by rock legends of yesteryear. Ever wonder what The Beach Boys covering “Levitate Me” would sound like? Well, Matthew here dreamed the dream and it became just about as close to a reality as humanly possible. Granted, because I’m all powerful, I can do this kind of stuff in My sleep... but for a human to pull this off is pretty godly. Hey Matthew, your songs are just about as close to miracle performance as I let mere mortals come (take note, David Blaine). Matthew, thanks for the music! Here’s some of his masterwork for you to awe at.

Matthew’s Celebrity Pixies Covers – Beach Boys Sing Levitate Me.mp3

Matthew’s Celebrity Pixies Covers – The Beegees Sing Wave Of Mutilation.mp3

Matthew’s Celebrity Pixies Covers – Prince Sings Hey.mp3

Matthew’s Celebrity Pixies Covers – Jimi Hendrix Sings Vamos.mp3

Matthew’s Celebrity Pixies Covers – Tina Turner Sings River Euphrates.mp3

Matthew’s Celebrity Pixies Covers – Frank Sinatra Sings Monkey Gone To Heaven.mp3

Matthew’s Celebrity Pixies Covers – Elvis Sings No. 13 Baby.mp3

Matthew’s Celebrity Pixies Covers – Bob Marley Sings Mr. Grieves.mp3

Friday, May 19, 2006

What Shalt Thou Boycott?

Many of you have been sending prayers up My way regarding what to do about this “DaVinci Code” movie. Literally almost half of all American Churches are dedicating a sermon or a class on this topic. For the record, the story is fiction. Check the side of the book. Fiction. I never had a baby, but I also didn’t invent the chair, but most of you let that fact slide in “The Passion Of The Christ”. Sure, the “DaVinci” movie might lead some astray, but so might your rush hour traffic driving. Don’t worry about people seeing Me, if I need to, I could send a burning bed to their bedrooms (Midnight Oil reference on purpose). If you want to boycott a movie, go to your local Blockbuster Video and beg them to get rid of all copies of “Chicago.” How that won a Best Picture Oscar, I have no idea. Do you really enjoy watching Richard Gere and Rene Zellweger sing and dance? Sure, it’s kinda fun to make John C. Riley do it, but Queen Latifa? Who thinks this stuff up? Those of you who know Me know I'm a big fan of the musical, and the 21st century is not looking too good so far. Granted, “Moulin Rouge” movie was the stuff of legend, but that’s about it. Why aren’t more of My friends doing sermons and classes on “Moulin Rouge”? I mean, the characters were named “Christian” and “Satine”! That’s a movie! So, if you want to boycott “The DaVinci Code”, I hope you are doing it because you always boycott movies that get bad reviews. Boycott bad musicals, not bad movies that make people think about who I was when I lived with you.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Now I Have A New Wilco Song, Ho Ho Ho.

Wilco and Die Hard have many things in common. Both are loved by Jesus Christ. Both are very American. Both are amazing. Therefore, it totally makes sense that I post a picture of Die Hard toys photoshopped into a Wilco album cover. If you disagree, then I guess you do not have the wit of a God. That's a cause of sin. Not My fault. That being said, heres a few versions of a new Wilco song. I've heard it called two different names, so I've decided to call it by both. The first version is a Jeff Tweedy solo version, which is nice and it ends with him talking about where he thinks the new album will be heading. Interesting stuff. The second version is with the whole band. There is also a great video from them performing it on Conan. The song is simple, pretty, and fun. Enjoy.

Jeff Tweedy - Is That The Thanks I Get (We Can Make It Better) (acoustic).mp3

Wilco - Is That The Thanks I Get (We Can Make It Better) (live from Conan).mp3

Wilco - Is That The Thanks I Get (We Can Make It Better) (Conan video).avi

Die Hard RULZ!

Monday, May 15, 2006

Links That Are Nice

For a good time, download the long acoustic Grandaddy set over at Ick.

Remember when I blew up Sodom? I do. Some guy might have found that old town that I really hated.

Spiritual themes in "Lost" (thanks Heather).

Speaking of Heather, she found us a new Springsteen show (also in a lovable zip format!).

Some guy who loves Me, whos blog I've been enjoying.

Get In Here Ministries is a site that confuses Me with joy.

My Muse

I used to LOVE Radiohead. Now, I mostly just respect Radiohead, but as far as listening to their albums 24/7 like I used to… not so much. Back in the days when all the little Brit bands were sounding like bad wannabe Radioheads, out popped Muse, a little wannabe Radiohead that was just good enough to not really care that they sounded like a bad rock ‘n roll Radiohead. But then, like Radiohead in the days when they were considered a wannabe Nirvana, Muse got better… a lot better. And now, although I totally respect Radiohead, I LOVE Muse, and in all honesty, their new stuff leaking onto the mp3 blogs are getting A LOT more repeated airplay on My holy laptop. For the two of you yet to trip over these newly leaked Muse tracks, enjoy. The live track “Knights of Cydonia” makes Me shiver (which is not a sly reference to Coldplay as if to say they are yet another band that fell into that Radiohead bandwagon. Seriously, that “Cydonia” song makes Me shake).

Muse - Knights Of Cydonia (live).mp3

Muse - Supermassiveblackhole.mp3

(oldie but goodie) Muse - New Born.mp3

(Smiths cover) Muse - Please Please Let Me Get What I Want.mp3

Friday, May 12, 2006

I'm From Nazareth

I'm From Barcelona - We're From

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Ramblings From Jesus Christ

Ok, the above image is painful. Sorry about that. I've been teaching some of the angels the basics of Photoshop, and that's what St. Paul came up with. He dared Me to post it, I told him I've posted worse... so there you have it. Not much happening in Heaven lately. Still getting it prepared for you guys. You are going to flip out when you see what we did with the town hall (think "Alice In Wonderland" meets "Labyrinth", but where everything melts... it'll make sense when you're up here). Anyway, here's some neato links for those bored.

First up, you HAVE to check out something called “Matthews Celebrity Pixies Tribute” on MySpace. This music ninja has figured out how to record covers of Pixies songs that sound like they are being covered by Prince, The Beegees, Jimi Hendrix, and Dianna Ross... and they are just about spot on genius! These are a must for you Pixies fans.

Here’s a great article about Christian music limping behind the rest of the music world, written by Lou Carlozo who is a music editor for the Chicago Tribune. Lou is a fan of Me, but not so much the music people sell about Me.

This is an oldie but a goodie. Got an hour to kill? This Frontline documentary “The Merchants Of Cool” is online, and fascinating. It’s about how companies such as MTV market things to be “cool” for teenagers. And I didn’t think I could like Insane Clown Posse any less.

Here’s a link I’ve seen a few times on other blogs, but I have to chime in because these are amazing. This London based company, Chunk, has the coolest Polo shirts ever created (This is a fact. I have seen all Polo shirts. You have not. Do not argue Me on this).

Here’s an interesting Albert Einstein quote that might disprove the thought that he and I were tight.

Wanna see an old commercial for a Chuck Norris action figure? Probably not, but there’s the link.

If you are not reading Lark News, you probably aren’t dumb, but maybe you are. It’s hard to tell. I love you either way, but you really should be reading Lark News. It’s like the Onion, in that it’s fake… but it’s mostly all about Yours Truly! Here’s a link to one of My recent favorite articles.

I also love DataWhat? with mostly My whole heart.

That’s all I got for you right now, I got til 4pm to finish up your room up here. I want it finished for when you get here. Just kidding! That freak you out? Jesus loves to mess with you. You’re a good sport, for that I’ll give you at least another week.

I love you all very much,

Jesus Christ

Monday, May 08, 2006

I Made Weed

From time to time, I get asked interesting questions via email. Some I reply by emailing the back, some I reply on My blog. This one I thought was blog-worthy. The email read:

Thanks for the salvation! I love pot, and you made pot, so I love you lots! You must not mind me getting messed up from time to time, right? Or you would have never made pot. If you didn't want me to smoke it, you wouldn't have made it, right? Please reply cuz my mom loves you and she's super pissed that her son is a pot smoker!

Lotza love,
Pot Loving Andrew

Great hearing from you, Pot Loving Andrew! Don't smoke pot. It'll make you dumb(er). I made poison toads, too, but that doesn't mean you should eat 'em. Instead of ranting about sin in this world and the effects of sin causing many different things that can block your friendship with Me, I think it was all best said in pop classic song found in MP3 form below. I love you, Pot Loving Andrew, not quit making yourself dumb(er).

Bill Cosby - Dope Pusher.mp3

Anybody else got any interesting questions you might want the Son of God to answer? Feel free to post them in the Comments. Want your very own "Jesus is coming, hide your bong" magnet? Me neither!

Friday, May 05, 2006

Stick a pFork In 'Em

I read Rolling Stone magazine. Always have, probably always will. With their 1,000 issue currently hitting the newsstands, I have to ask Myself… why do I still read this crap? I would like to think that Rolling Stone is THE music magazine. However, over the past 20 years, it has slowly slid toward where the money is, and as we all know, the best bands in the world rarely have the money. When I want to read about good new music, Rolling Stone no longer fills that void for Me. If I want to read an article on how awful the Iraq war is or how awful President Bush is, I can find this easily in a Rolling Stone. Granted, it doesn’t take being the Creator of the universe to be able to guess what the next sentence will say before you read it, but the articles are usually well done although shallow. But if I'm looking for these types or articles, I can think of about a dozen magazines that do this better. I read Rolling Stone to read about music, but even that has been a chore lately. The last issue had a tell all interview with “musician” Nick Lachey… a singer whom about 1 out of 50 Americans can name a song by. Their musician interviews are usually well done, but they are interviewing musicians most music fans… and I mean people who buy more than a CD a month (you know, music fans)… they are interviewing musicians most music fans couldn’t care less about. What is a day in the life of Pink like? Who cares? Music fans want Sufjan on the cover, not a caricature of President Bush. As for the music reviews, I liked them when I read them 2 months ago on music blogs… but those reviews were more accurate than just giving everyone 3 stars.

So, what is the Son of God to do? The answer is simple. I’m going to keep blessing the socks off of Pitchfork Media. If you are a music fan, you already love Pitchfork… unless they tore up a band you love and now you hate them because they’re mean. Either way, you have to admit, the writers at Pitchfork LOVE music and that is all they are about. If an album sucks, they will tell us. They have yet to bow down before the hype of albums and fall pray to the cool kid peer pressure to love an album the hip kids want them to love unless that album genuinely deserves it. They hype music that matters because music fans want to know what is new and good out there and, thanks to the decline of print music magazines like Rolling Stone, music fans need to know what is new and good out there.

So, I will keep on reading Rolling Stone, with the hopes that it might surprise Me… but it’s currently kinda like how I read an US magazine while MTV is on in the background (a lot of gossip I already know, a lot of commercials for things I don’t care about, and every now and then, something that almost catches My attention but then is forgotten once I get up). Where’s My weekly Pitchfork Magazine? If there was a Gorilla Vs. Bear magazine that came with a CD, I’d subscribe instantly. Not that I need these, because of the glory that is the internet, making music fans able to find the music that matters, and helping us find it 2 months before Rolling Stone gives it 3 stars.

Sorry for the rant. It’s righteous anger, which I’m venting toward bad pop culture. I need to find a Church that is selling stuff in its narthex. I’ll get out My Indiana Jones whip and take off some steam.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I Am God We Are Friends

If you don’t visit the mp3 blog “I Am Fuel You Are Friends”, then you don’t have that great of taste in music. A lot of other music blogs get more hype, but this blog is where it’s happening. Granted, the lady who runs the site has a crush on Me, but honestly, if you knew Me, then you probably would, too. Hello? I made mountains? I made Tapes ‘N Tapes? I is love? But it is not her love for Me that makes Me post this gushing love letter about her blog. Nope. It’s her unrelenting postings of tons of great songs. In the past month, she has posted 4 zip bootlegs of Ryan Adams (including one she flew across the country to record), but she also posted a TON of rare Pete Yorn and a TON of Evan Dando. That measurement is correct. Many TONS of music that I am currently buried under. How do these mp3s sound? I have no idea. She posts so many at a rate so fast it takes just about all I have to simply save them to My hard drive. Anyway, long story short, get over there and start downloading before Ryan Adams puts her in jail. Congrats on serving over 100,000 costumers, Heather. We like your taste in music (and if you, for some reason, don’t like her taste in music, then you are too wound up in music that you deem fashionable, which is too bad because Ryan Adams is better than whatever you just downloaded… unless you downloaded something clearly better, which isn’t super hard to do with the amount of killer mp3 blogs out there. Still, Ryan Adams is better than most so back off him!).

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Jesus Loves Bruce Springsteen

I love Bruce Springsteen more than you. No offence, I just have more love to give. His new album, We Shall Overcome, is amazing! In My opinion, it is strongly on par with Johnny Cash’s work with Rick Rubin. It seems that for that past decade, Bruce has kind of slid away off the side of being relevant in contemporary music. Much like Neil Young, Bob Dylan, and Johnny Cash in the 1980’s, Bruce is more currently praised for his past than of his new releases. Happily, I think that is about to change. Ironically, with this new albums, I feel that Bruce has again found his voice. His past few albums have fallen limply behind not only his much stronger albums of his past, but have also had trouble standing up against other albums released around the same time. Bruce, while attempting to sound contemporary and relevant, was sounding more and more like a parody of his younger self. Everything chances with this new album though. Sounding like a cross between himself, Tom Waits, and yes, Bob Dylan, I am happy to see Bruce back with his strongest album since “Born In The USA”. This album feels like a soundboard recording from inside a revival tent in Alabama circa 1935… and that tent is about to explode. This album is worth the price just for the track “Mary Don’t You Weep” alone, but lucky for you, there’s 12 more killer songs on this unbelievable CD.

I’ll be honest with you, like I always am… when I first heard this album of covers was in the mix for Mr. Springsteen, I was none too excited. To Me, it sounded like another nail sealing him into his coffin of irrelevance. I was caught a little off guard by a few of the reviews, not so much the Rolling Stone review, but the Pitchfork review in particular. So by the time the CD made it into My holy ipod, I was definitely interested to see why they were so positive. By the end of track 3, I was ecstatic. This album is alive in a way that recalls the Springsteen epic album, “The River”. This is both a new turn for Springsteen and a jumpstart towards a rebirth much like the “American Recordings” sessions were for Cash and how “Time Out Of Mind” was for Dylan… and that gets Me excited. Ladies and gentlemen, if you enjoy genuine American music, this CD will make your month better. I have not been this excited with a new album for a while. My hope is that this CD might be the first of a whole series.

Here are a few live tracks from the new tour, including a very Katrina themed non-album track that is worth downloading.

Bruce Springsteen – Old Dan Tucker (live).mp3
Bruce Springsteen – O Mary Don’t You Weep (live).mp3
Bruce Springsteen – How Can A Poor Man Stand Such Times And Live (live).mp3
Bruce Springsteen – Daring Young Man On The Flying Trapeze (live).mp3
Bruce Springsteen – When The Saints Come Marching In (live).mp3

Bruce Springsteen – Open All Night (live).mp3