The Top 10 Films Jesus Christ Loved in 2006
10. The Protector Tony Jaa
In this film, Tony Jaa literally bumps into Jackie Chan in a quick passing of the torch cameo. If that doesn’t say it all, then stick around for the most entertaining single take one shot ever filmed. It feels just like if they turned the Double Dragon video game into a movie if that movie didn’t already exist and was lame. We erase that film from existence up here, but not The Protector, which is showing on repeat in our Kung Fu training gym… with the plot edited out. If you loved the films of a young Jet Li and Jackie Chan, and have a special place in your heart for baby elephants, then this was made for you.
09. Pirates of the Caribbean 2
You saw it. You kinda liked it but was sorta annoyed that it ended with a cliffhanger that felt too much like a blatant push to see part 3. Not Me. I saw it and I loved it just as much as I did the first one, if not even a little bit more. This felt like what a Disney ride always wished it felt like. I made Mr. Depp a little bit different than most men, and it shows in how he runs. Want proof of My resistance, look at this man’s career.
08. The Departed
I loved the original better. Scorsese made this his own kinda like how Lenny Kravitz made “American Woman” his own. It’s just hard to screw up something that is already amazing. This felt like a band I love covering a song I love. That being said, I still loved this film and it’s great to see Scorsese jump out of ring like a raging bull again. This is the kind of film that makes Ben Affleck even more annoyed at Matt Damon’s career.
07. The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada
This is technically a 2005 film, but Jesus has a life and was not able to see this until it came out on DVD. However, I don’t want the fact that I’m busy be the only reason why this amazing film not be on this list. That being said, this film is felt like a Cormac McCarthy novel (not to be confused with a film based on a Cormac McCarthy novel, which this does not fee like). If you know Me, than you’d know that I’ve always been a fan of redemption, and this film has the kind of redemption that is sloppy, snotty, and honest… which might just be My favorite kind.
06. District B 13
Freestyle Parkour – the art of running quickly through an urban obstacle course of rooftops using only your body and the environment to propel yourself. And with it comes the evolution of the action film. Parkour has already began to spring its way into Hollywood with films such as Casino Royal and Breaking And Entering, and seeing how beautiful the action sequences are in District B13, I don’t want it going away anytime too soon. If John Woo’s The Killer is credited with bringing ballet into Action Cinema, than let Luc Besson’s Banlieue 13 bring gymnastics. Yet another film on this list where the plot is merely a stepping stone to bring you the majesty of one of My best creations, the human body.
Cross Casablanca with Heathers and you do not get this movie, but it comes pretty close. Contemporary high school kids talking like Sam Spade, trying to solve a classmate murder mystery sounds pretty hard to pull off, and it is, but amazingly this works. If you enjoyed the contemporary retellings of Shakespeare genre that I believe we are thankfully officially through, this film is worth tracking down, even if it is just to hear high school kids say lines such as “The Ape blows or I clam!” This plot is complex and fast, so pay close attention, and watch it with a paper and pen to write down quotes you will want to add into your own vocabulary. Plus, who knew the kid from Third Rock From The Sun could be so cool? I did because made him. Now, see for yourself.
04. Monster House
The previews looked lame. The story sounded lame. The animation looked boring. This looked like yet another wannabe Pixar film with a lot of money thrown into the animation and celebrity voices, but not much else thrown into the script. However, that is incorrect. This is hands down the most underappreciated animated film since Iron Giant. In the past 15 years, rarely are films made anymore where seem like kids. I Am Sam, anyone? This movie feels like Goonies. It feels like E.T. The script is textbook on how to write a movie for kids about kids that adults will love too. I was dragged to this film and less than a week later I dragged people to this film. Want to be reminded of the best parts of your adventurous childhood? See this film.
03. The Descent
What Jaws did for the ocean, The Descent does for spelunking… if lot’s of people enjoyed caves like people enjoy swimming in the sea. My point is, this movie will freak you out. In a year where horror films are mostly about unique ways to torture, it was refreshing to see one scarier than the rest, and all that was needed was a small crack to climb through. This film is a monster movie that is like a gorier and cheaper half brother to Aliens, but like Jaws, they use their lack of special effects shots to their advantage, and it is what is not seen that truly leaves its mark. Even before the monsters show up, this film has you by the throat and you can feel the claustrophobia no matter how much space is between you and the screen. Genius.
02. Children Of Men
A movie came out this year about My birth. It was totally lame. A film about My own birth almost bored Me to death and the back to live again, it was that pointless. This movie felt more like My birth than that movie did. Next Christmas, if you want to be reminded of My birthday, watch Children Of Men. Simply put, this movie rocked My world. This feels like the perfected smart Science Fiction film Spielberg kept trying to make with films such as Minority Report and AI. The blogs are screamingly loudly for this film to be seen, and rightfully so. This is a great action movie with a soul. It is relevant and it is entertaining. Finally, Clive Owen has a film that shows off why he keeps getting top billing in films, for all those Bogart comparisons he is getting for this role is on the money. Plus, the title is a quote right out of My autobiography. I loved this film.
01. Half Nelson
This film broke My heart. Ripped it up. Jesus wept. The script is flawless. The acting is flawless. The symbolism is flawless. This film is an English Major’s dream come true. Ryan Gosling plays a Jr. High teacher on crack working in an inner city school trying to inspire his students to rise above where they are, and in My humble opinion, it was the best performance I saw this year. The story sounds clichéd, but it throws all that out once a student finds her teacher smoking. This story isn’t tied neatly together in a bow, but is left open and out there for all to see. Unlike Blood Diamonds, where every line is strategically placed to move along character development and storyline, the dialog in Half Nelson is so realistic, at times it feels like a documentary with hidden cameras. This film is hard to watch, and there is a scene near the end that feels like a genuine punch in the face… but for all it puts you through, it is worth it. Watching this might give you a hint of what it is like for us up here looking down on your broken world, hoping you’ll look up.
Movies That Said They Didn’t Know Me Right Before The Rooster Crowed…
I loved Serenity. Unfortunately, the world did not love Serenity, and that is why it is on My list. I am frustrated that Whedon only made a really fun film, and not the best science fiction film ever. I hold Whedon up to higher standards than most, simply because he is better than most, so when this film was not as good as The Empire Strikes Back, Whedon let Me down. Mal is cooler than Han Solo, but because this film did not warrant enough love to keep the story going, the world will never care. Plus, he played God by killing off some friends of Mine, so maybe I’m just still a bit heart broken and feel betrayed by him. I loved this movie.
04. The Da Vinci Code
This being on this list might seem like I’m sticking My tongue out at it for messing with My history, but I’m not. There are many pieces of great fiction that messes with putting characters into situations that are not necessarily true to history but still make a great story. Elvis is up here and he absolutely LOVES Bubba Ho-Tep. He’s quoting it all the time. Just yesterday, Elvis turned to Me and said, “I think you know what I'm gettin' at Mr. President… we're gonna kill us a mummy.” The problem I had with The Da Vinci Code wasn’t that they thought I had a kid with Mary, it’s that they thought this movie would be good. The novel was kinda fun but mostly a little too pulpy and silly for Me. It read like a bad Indiana Jones story without much danger other than a misunderstood religious albino. However, it’s biggest sin… making Tom Hanks boring.
03. V for Vendetta
It’s not that this movie wasn’t good, because it mostly was, it’s just that it could have been so much cooler. The comic is classic, and hopes were high for this, but at the end of the day it turned out to be just another action movie that was sort of better than average, but will soon be forgotten. This wouldn’t have been so bad if the comic wasn’t so great. The scenes of V conducting like an orchestra his city blowing up or his conversation with a certain statue should have been the most memorable scenes of 2006, but they weren’t. Blame this on the awkwardness of the one hit wonder Wachowski brothers who didn’t direct this but acted like they did.
Didn’t see it. Preview reminded Me of the cross.
01. Last Kiss
A few years ago I made the mistake of watching the Kirsten Dunst “romantic comedy” Wimbledon. That movie was so bad, it became a symbol of everything awful in contemporary cinema. However, I have a new symbol. To call this movie bad is not correct, because is was well acted and directed and there were clearly worse films out there such as that sequel with the cat that eats lasagna. What made this film so wretched was that it preached so matter-of-factly that life ends at monogamy… and it did so as if everyone already knows it. Marriage is death, but because you want a relationship, you are willing to put up with it. I love Zach Braff. I own Garden State. I Tivo Scrubs repeats. I rented Chicken Little but didn’t finish it. It is shocking to Me that he would read this awful script and think it would be a great career move. My guess is he got pretty excited about the idea of a sex scene with an OC girl. Screenwriter Paul Haggis is totally hot or cold. When he is on, like Flags OF Our Fathers and Casino Royal, he is worth his paycheck. But when he is off, like this film and like the 2006 Best Picture Oscar winning film Crash, he leaves Me angry and embarrassed.
And finally, the two posters of 2006 that weren’t made, but should have been…