Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Open Love Letter To Of Montreal's Kevin Barnes

“Guess it would be nice to give my heart to a god
but which one which one do I choose?
All the churches fill with losers, psychos, or confused.
I just want to hold the divine in mine.”

- Of Montreal’s Gronlandic Edit

Dear Kevin Barnes,

It would be an honor for you to consider Me in the running for the God To Whom You Might Give Your Heart. I am madly in love with you. Your music is inspiring. I sometimes come to your shows as a human and annoyingly yell “Play ‘You Are An Airplane!’” I understand that there are many options out there which would happily take your heart, however, if you choose Me, I promise to give you life and life to the fullest. I agree that most churches are filled with people who clearly do not seem to be actually following Me, which unfortunately is what the definition of a Christian should be… “Christ follower.” Thus, it would seem that the church is indeed filled with losers, psychos, and the confused. However, not all are that way, and if you seek Me out, I ensure you that there are others like you and there is a church for you that you would be able to truly worship Me without the hindrance of people claiming to follow Me but clearly not putting those “beliefs” into action. I love you Kevin Barnes. Your music means so much to Me and the new album is unbelievable. You've got a gift. Thank you for the music. So, if you kindly could keep Me on your list of possible Gods that might one day guard your heart, I would love the honor… and the Divine wants to hold you, too.

I love you,
Jesus Christ

PS. The hindu god sux! Take that one off your list.
PPS. Some of the angels miss hearing Cherry Peel stuff live.

PPPS. I'm cool with whatever. I go to your shows to dance.

Monday, January 22, 2007

I Was Guided By Voices

Up here, we like to put together little film montages of your day. We clip together some of your Best Of video, then put it to music, and we all sit around and watch it. Lately, we’ve been adding some Guided By Voices as the soundtrack to these flicks, and surprisingly, lead singer Robert Pollard sounds a lot like Me. So, I brushed off My Guided By Voices vinyls and wrote down all the Bob quotes that I never said, but almost could have. Without further ado, here’s My list of Guided By Voices quotes that sound an awful lot like Yours Truly, Jesus Christ…

Time to say to you, My child,

Your name is Wild.
And if you called Me into change the color,
your name is Wild,
and I’ll be taking you soon now.

Hooray for the day!

I’ll pay the angels to keep you, My child.
You are safer now.
God knows it, too.

- Your Name Is Wild

Let's throw the great party,
today for the rest of our lives.
The fun is just about to get started,
so throw the switch,
It's rock-n-roll time.

- Over the Neptune/Mesh Gear Fox

Of course I'm not complaining,
I'm simply dying.
Yes, I'm waiting.
Got a good love left,
Good Lord willing.

- Some Drilling Implied

I’ll be with you, without you, again.
Turn and run, the angel's calling.
You say when and I say I’m falling.

- Hardcore UFO’s

Man of wisdom, and man of compromise,
man of weak flesh in an armored disguise,
all fall down.

- Echos Myron

Demons are real.
They are standing still

- Demons Are Real

I am a pharmacist.
Prescriptions I will fill you.
Potions, pills, and medicines
to ease your painful lives.

- I Am A Scientist

I’m a human costume
with veins of gold.

I’ll face the punching bag,
do what I’m told.

- Do The Earth

Brothers, do not fret,

the bus will get you there yet
to carry us to the lake.
The club is open.
Yeah, The club is open.
I am breathing, yet I feel no sky.

Things without wings have begun to fly.

Brothers, sisters, all transistors, you know

Father Logic sometimes gets cosmic, you know.

- A Salty Salute

Watch Me jumpstart as the old skin is peeled.

See an opening and bust into the field.
Hidden longings no longer concealed.
Watch Me bulldoze every bulldozer away,
each new obstacle from each old new day.

- Watch Me Jumpstart

The perfect angels
who monitor your intentions,

God keeps his famous children,
be respectable.

- (I Wanna Be a) Dumbcharger

Everything I think about I think about,

everything I talk about I talk about with you.
But you don't know what I go through.
You don't know.
Days, they will turn into nights,
but My valuable hunting knife,
it will not rust through the tears,
and it will not lose its appeal over years.
Come on!

- My Valuable Hunting Knife

It's up to You and Me,
My faithful Sin-Eater,
to give them a glorious lightbath.

- Burning Flag Birthday Suit

You won't see Me turn My back
with My head against My stack,
spitting teeth and breaking open skin.
Official Ironmen, you are free.
Champions officially.

- The Official Ironmen Rally Song

A question to the lunatic-
Does your day seem like night?
Does your world go together?

- To Remake The Young Flyer

I see it as paying the price.
Nobody feels it these days.
Well, I'd like to go and kiss them away.
Well, I'd like to know another way.

- Redmen And Their Wives

And if there's a Hell below,
Kenneth Ray ain't gonna go.

- Expecting Brainchild

My coats are blue,
but My visions are white,
aren't they?

- Superior Sector Janitor X

Push Me now beyond the bounds
of healing hands and thorny crowns,
and all the sadness it implies
I've tasted with My own two eyes.

- Dusted

Hush now seedling,
don't you cry.
Maybe I'll be coming home
quite soon for you,
quite sinful you.

- Jar of Cardinals

This is not reality,
this is just formality.
The cup is only being filled
for a chance to have it spilled.
Flowing, just like the days.
Sailing, just like the days.

- Wondering Boy Poet

God rolls the sun
as He walks down the highway.
I have kissed you, you will leave.
And the friction in the morning,
the friction 'round suppertime
can't hear the revolution.

- Can't hear the revolution

Don't strip off My bark.
I have been stripped of it before.
Yesterday's gone
and tomorrow has so much more in store.
You are a bird,
you're taking off in every way.

So climb up My trunk
and build on your nest.
and get the sap out if Me.
I am a tree.

- I Am A Tree

Blessed is the way to a man’s heart

- Mag Earwhig!

You leave Me in stitches.
I hear you singing the spiritual getaway,
yearning to hike away
from hurt and spiny things
who use you for their practice
and settlements.
Permanent holy wars dissolve
and crash on the red horizon.

- In Stitches

Now I'm going home.
In the distance, I can see them,
proudly waving flags
to separate and free them.
Dragons Awake!
Forever and ever,
for everyone to see!

- Dragons Awake!

An unmarketed product
is shining clear for many years.
The time it takes you to put up,
shut out the fears for many years.

Well, I can give you credit,
suitable and custom tailored,
and if you have any luck
you'll get ahead before you're dead.

- An Unmarked Product

I want to reinvent you now.
Reinvent you nightly.
Reinvite you rightly.
I'll reunite you.

- Skills Like This

I have a positive hot gift.
Want one?
Living the dream
of kings before children.
Come inside,
I'll show you a ticket to sugar pie.
Yeah... a lesson before you die.

- Want One?

With the sinking of the sun,
I've come to greet you.
Clean your hands and go to sleep.
Confess the dreams
of good and bad men all around.
Some are lost
and some have found
the light that passes though Me.

- Glad Girls

The cup is running over.
I am hypnotizing the highway.
I am baptizing mad rivers.
And the rivers run wild,
and the highway is long.
It was so good to see you.
You know that for I tell you.

- Fine To See You

Is it good for you
to ask for assistance
and to ask for it for others, also?
Next time you get sick, you'll know.
You might even see.

- Zap

Sometimes I cry
because you don't love Me no more.
And sometimes I'm dyin',
I'd be lyin' if I tried to ignore
the hurtin' inside
that started when you walked away.

- Sometimes I Cry

Change has got to come
and I'll be the first to admit it.
When pushin' comes to shovin'
I'll be the first one to get it.
Don't you understand anything?
You won't like it at all
when the fire that burns
in the predator's eyes
takes another disguise
with a different face
and it all gets down
to the people in our town.
They don't wanna be found
in the other place.

- The Other Place

So, God bless you.
Continue to speak.

- Father Sgt. Christmas Card

If that ain' enough GBV for you, then please do yourself a favor and check out this unintentionally HILARIOUS Guided By Voices site over at guidedbyvoices.net. I'd pay big bucks for a GBV T-Shirt with some of these images.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I'll Fly Away, Oh Glory

Daggonit! Here’s something I’ve been working on up here for you guys to do once you’re with Me, and somebody down there has already tried it out. My version will be a little cooler and I’ll let you fly it over the Grand Canyon, but here’s some video of My concept. Pretty impressive if you ask Me. With My version, you won’t need the suit.

and just for fun, here's a hint of a piece of the new song I am working at for when you make your big entrance. Again, this is not the real version, but this has parts that remind Me of what you'll hear right when you walk through the gates... but instead of 1 voice it will be thousands. We've been working on it awhile now.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Jesus Christ And The Films Of 2006

The Top 10 Films Jesus Christ Loved in 2006

10. The Protector Tony Jaa

In this film, Tony Jaa literally bumps into Jackie Chan in a quick passing of the torch cameo. If that doesn’t say it all, then stick around for the most entertaining single take one shot ever filmed. It feels just like if they turned the Double Dragon video game into a movie if that movie didn’t already exist and was lame. We erase that film from existence up here, but not The Protector, which is showing on repeat in our Kung Fu training gym… with the plot edited out. If you loved the films of a young Jet Li and Jackie Chan, and have a special place in your heart for baby elephants, then this was made for you.

09. Pirates of the Caribbean 2

You saw it. You kinda liked it but was sorta annoyed that it ended with a cliffhanger that felt too much like a blatant push to see part 3. Not Me. I saw it and I loved it just as much as I did the first one, if not even a little bit more. This felt like what a Disney ride always wished it felt like. I made Mr. Depp a little bit different than most men, and it shows in how he runs. Want proof of My resistance, look at this man’s career.

08. The Departed

I loved the original better. Scorsese made this his own kinda like how Lenny Kravitz made “American Woman” his own. It’s just hard to screw up something that is already amazing. This felt like a band I love covering a song I love. That being said, I still loved this film and it’s great to see Scorsese jump out of ring like a raging bull again. This is the kind of film that makes Ben Affleck even more annoyed at Matt Damon’s career.

07. The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada

This is technically a 2005 film, but Jesus has a life and was not able to see this until it came out on DVD. However, I don’t want the fact that I’m busy be the only reason why this amazing film not be on this list. That being said, this film is felt like a Cormac McCarthy novel (not to be confused with a film based on a Cormac McCarthy novel, which this does not fee like). If you know Me, than you’d know that I’ve always been a fan of redemption, and this film has the kind of redemption that is sloppy, snotty, and honest… which might just be My favorite kind.

06. District B 13

Freestyle Parkour – the art of running quickly through an urban obstacle course of rooftops using only your body and the environment to propel yourself. And with it comes the evolution of the action film. Parkour has already began to spring its way into Hollywood with films such as Casino Royal and Breaking And Entering, and seeing how beautiful the action sequences are in District B13, I don’t want it going away anytime too soon. If John Woo’s The Killer is credited with bringing ballet into Action Cinema, than let Luc Besson’s Banlieue 13 bring gymnastics. Yet another film on this list where the plot is merely a stepping stone to bring you the majesty of one of My best creations, the human body.

05. Brick

Cross Casablanca with Heathers and you do not get this movie, but it comes pretty close. Contemporary high school kids talking like Sam Spade, trying to solve a classmate murder mystery sounds pretty hard to pull off, and it is, but amazingly this works. If you enjoyed the contemporary retellings of Shakespeare genre that I believe we are thankfully officially through, this film is worth tracking down, even if it is just to hear high school kids say lines such as “The Ape blows or I clam!” This plot is complex and fast, so pay close attention, and watch it with a paper and pen to write down quotes you will want to add into your own vocabulary. Plus, who knew the kid from Third Rock From The Sun could be so cool? I did because made him. Now, see for yourself.

04. Monster House

The previews looked lame. The story sounded lame. The animation looked boring. This looked like yet another wannabe Pixar film with a lot of money thrown into the animation and celebrity voices, but not much else thrown into the script. However, that is incorrect. This is hands down the most underappreciated animated film since Iron Giant. In the past 15 years, rarely are films made anymore where seem like kids. I Am Sam, anyone? This movie feels like Goonies. It feels like E.T. The script is textbook on how to write a movie for kids about kids that adults will love too. I was dragged to this film and less than a week later I dragged people to this film. Want to be reminded of the best parts of your adventurous childhood? See this film.

03. The Descent

What Jaws did for the ocean, The Descent does for spelunking… if lot’s of people enjoyed caves like people enjoy swimming in the sea. My point is, this movie will freak you out. In a year where horror films are mostly about unique ways to torture, it was refreshing to see one scarier than the rest, and all that was needed was a small crack to climb through. This film is a monster movie that is like a gorier and cheaper half brother to Aliens, but like Jaws, they use their lack of special effects shots to their advantage, and it is what is not seen that truly leaves its mark. Even before the monsters show up, this film has you by the throat and you can feel the claustrophobia no matter how much space is between you and the screen. Genius.

02. Children Of Men

A movie came out this year about My birth. It was totally lame. A film about My own birth almost bored Me to death and the back to live again, it was that pointless. This movie felt more like My birth than that movie did. Next Christmas, if you want to be reminded of My birthday, watch Children Of Men. Simply put, this movie rocked My world. This feels like the perfected smart Science Fiction film Spielberg kept trying to make with films such as Minority Report and AI. The blogs are screamingly loudly for this film to be seen, and rightfully so. This is a great action movie with a soul. It is relevant and it is entertaining. Finally, Clive Owen has a film that shows off why he keeps getting top billing in films, for all those Bogart comparisons he is getting for this role is on the money. Plus, the title is a quote right out of My autobiography. I loved this film.

01. Half Nelson

This film broke My heart. Ripped it up. Jesus wept. The script is flawless. The acting is flawless. The symbolism is flawless. This film is an English Major’s dream come true. Ryan Gosling plays a Jr. High teacher on crack working in an inner city school trying to inspire his students to rise above where they are, and in My humble opinion, it was the best performance I saw this year. The story sounds clichéd, but it throws all that out once a student finds her teacher smoking. This story isn’t tied neatly together in a bow, but is left open and out there for all to see. Unlike Blood Diamonds, where every line is strategically placed to move along character development and storyline, the dialog in Half Nelson is so realistic, at times it feels like a documentary with hidden cameras. This film is hard to watch, and there is a scene near the end that feels like a genuine punch in the face… but for all it puts you through, it is worth it. Watching this might give you a hint of what it is like for us up here looking down on your broken world, hoping you’ll look up.

Movies That Said They Didn’t Know Me Right Before The Rooster Crowed…

05. Serenity

I loved Serenity. Unfortunately, the world did not love Serenity, and that is why it is on My list. I am frustrated that Whedon only made a really fun film, and not the best science fiction film ever. I hold Whedon up to higher standards than most, simply because he is better than most, so when this film was not as good as The Empire Strikes Back, Whedon let Me down. Mal is cooler than Han Solo, but because this film did not warrant enough love to keep the story going, the world will never care. Plus, he played God by killing off some friends of Mine, so maybe I’m just still a bit heart broken and feel betrayed by him. I loved this movie.

04. The Da Vinci Code

This being on this list might seem like I’m sticking My tongue out at it for messing with My history, but I’m not. There are many pieces of great fiction that messes with putting characters into situations that are not necessarily true to history but still make a great story. Elvis is up here and he absolutely LOVES Bubba Ho-Tep. He’s quoting it all the time. Just yesterday, Elvis turned to Me and said, “I think you know what I'm gettin' at Mr. President… we're gonna kill us a mummy.” The problem I had with The Da Vinci Code wasn’t that they thought I had a kid with Mary, it’s that they thought this movie would be good. The novel was kinda fun but mostly a little too pulpy and silly for Me. It read like a bad Indiana Jones story without much danger other than a misunderstood religious albino. However, it’s biggest sin… making Tom Hanks boring.

03. V for Vendetta

It’s not that this movie wasn’t good, because it mostly was, it’s just that it could have been so much cooler. The comic is classic, and hopes were high for this, but at the end of the day it turned out to be just another action movie that was sort of better than average, but will soon be forgotten. This wouldn’t have been so bad if the comic wasn’t so great. The scenes of V conducting like an orchestra his city blowing up or his conversation with a certain statue should have been the most memorable scenes of 2006, but they weren’t. Blame this on the awkwardness of the one hit wonder Wachowski brothers who didn’t direct this but acted like they did.

02. Volver

Didn’t see it. Preview reminded Me of the cross.

01. Last Kiss

A few years ago I made the mistake of watching the Kirsten Dunst “romantic comedy” Wimbledon. That movie was so bad, it became a symbol of everything awful in contemporary cinema. However, I have a new symbol. To call this movie bad is not correct, because is was well acted and directed and there were clearly worse films out there such as that sequel with the cat that eats lasagna. What made this film so wretched was that it preached so matter-of-factly that life ends at monogamy… and it did so as if everyone already knows it. Marriage is death, but because you want a relationship, you are willing to put up with it. I love Zach Braff. I own Garden State. I Tivo Scrubs repeats. I rented Chicken Little but didn’t finish it. It is shocking to Me that he would read this awful script and think it would be a great career move. My guess is he got pretty excited about the idea of a sex scene with an OC girl. Screenwriter Paul Haggis is totally hot or cold. When he is on, like Flags OF Our Fathers and Casino Royal, he is worth his paycheck. But when he is off, like this film and like the 2006 Best Picture Oscar winning film Crash, he leaves Me angry and embarrassed.

And finally, the two posters of 2006 that weren’t made, but should have been…

I'm Famous!

Look At Me! I made it into print!

(Not counting My Autobiography!)

My little post about the Shins Album Review Drinking Game somehow made its way into the current Janurary 2007 Wired Magazine now on the stands.

Pay $4 and drive somewhere and buy it at a store and drive home and read it, or read it online for free!

Sunday, January 07, 2007

The Blasphemy Challenge

Ok, so now the latest Youtube craze has been people “blaspheming” against My “Holy Spirit”. Have you seen this? Get a camera. Film yourself “blaspheming” against Me. Upload video onto Youtube. Now you’re part of the “Blasphemy Challenge” that is sweeping the nation! Kinda like what your Grandparents did with The Bop and the Twist, but with blasphemy. If you’ve yet to check this “Blasphemy Challenge” out, it is fascinating stuff.

Here’s an exact quote of something I said once… “I tell you the truth, all the sins and blasphemies of men will be forgiven them. But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin."

So, there are some people take this quote to mean “if you are a brave atheist, say you reject the Holy Spirit on film… but make sure you have thought about this because IT CAN NEVER BE TAKEN BACK!”

Which is cute and all, but that ain’t how I roll. You want to break My heart, no problem. Done. You don’t need to upload a video to do it. You did it years ago when your mom told you not to put that toy in your mouth but you did it anyway. You’ve been sinning since birth, and I’m sorry to tell you this, but just saying “I reject the Holy Spirit” is just another one of those sins. No difference. Your “blasphemy challenge” video would be just as sad to Me if you uploaded a video onto Youtube that said “I did not honor my mother and father when I was two because they told me not to put that toy in my mouth but I did”.

So, what about it being all unforgivable and stuff? All of your sins I will wash away if you ask… unless you don’t ask. If you don’t ask, you then are rejecting Me. You are rejecting the Holy Spirit. You are blaspheming against it. The only way you are getting up here is if you and I are friends. They ask at the door. Tell them you know Me. That is the only way in. That’s it. There is no other way. It is not what you did or didn’t do. It’s all about who you know. If we are friends, then you’re in… even if you’re one of the hundreds who posted some video of you trying to sound like you can’t tell I love you.

This last clip only made the cut because I'm a Firefly fan. Represent! In regards to his story, I bring life to the full. Holla!