Wednesday, March 28, 2007

I'm Weeping, Too

Here’s how it works. You steer your way through life, and I tweak things around to make sure we all get to the same ending. I know how the world ends, and I know how I’d like to get there.

However, with you guys all running around with free will, getting everything to line up for how I originally planned the finale of the world can be very difficult. For example, I want you to go to work.
Because you are self centered and break My rules and heart from time to time, you decide you’d rather call in sick and see 300. Maybe I had planned for you to say something random to your co-worker that would lead to his decision not to sleep with that prostitute he had lined up for that evening, but because you skipped out on work, I need to find other ways to send that co-worker a hint that maybe sleeping with that prostitute would not end well for him. It’s no big deal, I can still make something work… it’s just more complicated.

That being said, Sanjaya is not supposed to still be on American Idol. You guys are keeping him on that show against My will. Again, this isn’t a problem… it’s just more complicated. Every week that Sanjaya stays on American Idol past when he was originally supposed to get kicked off, your whole world is a little bit out of wack and I have to play clean-up.

Long story short, cut it out. Quit voting for him. I get it. It’s funny. We’ll see who’s laughing when the end of the world shows up a little bit earlier than planned because of the events you are all currently setting in motion. Go on, laugh it up.

Friday, March 23, 2007

I Will Make You Fishers Of Cat

I used to love fishing. It made for such a classic analogy. However, I was a fan of fishing with nets. However, no other type of fishing entertains Me more than noodling… the art of fishing for catfish using only your wiggling finger as bait. If you have yet to hear of noodling, you are in for quite a treat! I just came across a website that is selling a DVD entitled Girls Gone Grabblin’, which is a fishing documentary starring girls in bathing suits letting catfish bite their hands. Joy! Here’s a preview for your noodle viewing pleasure:

Preview of Girls Gone Grabblin’

Nothing says “I’m unique!” quite like adding this DVD to your collection. Whip this out when you have friends over, and watch stare at you in confusion! For more on noodling, watch this news excerpt, or buy the documentary Okie-Noodling, with a soundtrack by The Flaming Lips… seriously.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Near Wild Heaven

Jesus Christ Interviews a Woman with a Mike Mills Tattoo, In Honor of R.E.M.’s Induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

If you know the Father, then you know the Son, and if you know the Son, then you know his love for all things R.E.M. One person who clearly is a more devout R.E.M. fan than the Son of God, is a woman who goes by the name of Mizz Mills. Here is the brief history of this woman and Me:

I sometimes hop back into human form all incognito and check out a what's happening down there with My peeps (that's not Me using clichéd hip hop slang, that's Me referring to humans as the popular Easter marshmallow treat... inside joke between Me and Noah). Anyway, I decide to head to Atlanta in ’99 to see the three R.E.M. shows there, when I literally bump into a woman with a tattoo of Mike Mills staring right at Me… from her chest. I am immediately in awe of her clear undying love for Mike Mills. I see tattoos of Me all the time, but R.E.M. basest Mike Mills... this is something special.

Jump to a few weeks ago, when I posted a clump of random photos of band tattoos, and I ended it with a shout out to the interweb if anybody knew this woman or had pictures of her insanely fascinating tattoo. Sure, being God I could have figured this out on My own, but I love watching you guys show your work… like your Jr. High math teacher. Next thing I know, I get an email from the Mike Mills Chest tattoo lady! She was kind enough to let Me interview her and post some of her pics up on the blog. Enjoy.

Jesus Question 1: The question everyone is dying to know, why a Mike Mills tattoo?

Mizz Mills: Because my friends always said I wear my love of Mike like a medal of honor. So the tattoo is my medal.

Jesus Question 2: Now, is there a story that goes with it? What year did you get it? Where'd you get it? Was anyone with you? We'd love it if you could paint us a picture of the event.

Mizz Mills: It was in September 1998. Got the tattoo by my home at this place called "Bad Dog Tattoos" on Colonial Ave. here in Orlando. My friend Doreen went with me. I had recently broke up with my boyfriend and the UP cd came out. The more I listened to the songs it made me feel that I have a level of admiriation for the band and Mike. Found a picture of Mike that looked nice and went to the place to have it done. Took over a hour and I don't feel needles it was no pain at all for me. The artist who did the tattoo his name is Mike.

Jesus Question 3: Oh, to be a fly on the wall… have you had a conversation between you and Mike regarding him forever on your chest?

Mizz Mills: Mike and I have never talked about the tattoo. What I do know that when I went to Athens in 1998 some people who knew Mike took photos of the tattoo and gave it to him. And I think it was featured in Flagpole because people knew me from it.

Jesus Question 4: How many times a week do you have to explain to people who Mike Mills is?

Mizz Mills: Ha ha at least 3 or 4 times a day. Most people thought it was John Denver or John Lennon. So far as I know I'm the only R.E.M. fan with a band member tattoo. After I explain who it is it makes people remember me in a odd good way.

Jesus Question 5: What has been the most awkward situation your tattoo has put you in?

Mizz Mills: I think it has made dating hard for some time. Because while guys like women who have tattoos, imagine trying to kiss or being intimate with me and seeing Mike looking up and smiling. Funny but in a way sad.

Jesus Question 6: After the aneurysm incident, were you relived you picked Mike and not Bill and thus have had to explain that you have a tattoo of a farmer in Georgia?

Mizz Mills: Don't get me wrong I do the the whole band and in the begining I did thought Bill was and still is cute. The reason I fell for Mike was in 1981 I saw a picture of Mike (geek phase) and what got me hooked is that his left eye is bigger than his right. Then after that I found out he was a musician and have been his loyal fan since then.

Jesus Question 7: Mike's look changed significantly once Monster hit the airwaves, have you thought about updating the tattoo by adding the new hair and maybe put him in an orange suit?

Mizz Mills: No because I do have the 3 phases of Mike. The tattoo is Green Tour Mike. I have a shirt that I don't wear at shows but sleep with it that was made for me of Mike when he was growing his hair out by Monster Tour time. And last I have a custom air brushed jacket of Mike with blonde hair. The sleeves say on the left " Dreams They Complicate My Life" the right has " Dreams They Compliment My Life". Above Mike's head it has Mike Mills fave fan. All 3 member have signed my jacket so it is my pride and joy as with the tattoo.

Jesus Question 8: Do you categorize your life as pre-Mike Mills Tattoo and post-Mike Mills Tattoo?

Mizz Mills: Yes pre tattoo I was just Francisca, but post tattoo I am know all over as Miz Mills loyal Mike Mills fan.

Jesus Question 9: When was the most joy your tattoo has brought you?

Mizz Mills: Oh that is easy! I have made lots of friends and my tattoo in a way helped a band called Elf Power when their van broke down. And knowing when Mike is playing and as he scan the crowd and sees my tattoo it brings a smile to his face.

Jesus Question 10: Finally, you think I'm the only way to get a ticket to Heaven, and if so, do you think I'll let Mike in?

Mizz Mills: I think that if you was in a mood for a good conversation and music you would let Mike in. While no one is perfect except you of course Mike is a good person and these days we need more good people here on Earth and with you in Heaven. Besides how else will I get my chance to sing with him eh?

Thanks for your time, Mizz Mills. I ABSOLUTLY love that you would get a Mike Mills tattoo! And seeing you at the '99 Atlanta show, then telling other R.E.M . Superfans about it, and then being able to track you down via the internet has just been a surreal blast! You are neato.

For more R.E.M. goodies, make sure to hop over to I Am Fuel, We Are Friends and grab a bootleg from a 2003 show. Worth it for the “So Fast, So Numb” mp3 alone.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

I Hear Bloc Party Praying

Jesus Christ responds to the questions asked by Bloc Party’s Kele Okereke in their song “The Prayer” from their new album Weekend In The City.

Kele, I love the new album. Not quite as strong as the last album, but I’ll take it. One of My favorite new songs is “The Prayer”. In this song, you ask Me a few questions and I thought I’d take the time to answer your questions in type.

First of all, as soon as your prayer starts, you go straight to the “gimmie, gimmie!”, which is cool and all, I just kinda wish we could talk about how our relationship was going and what you thought of Me before we hit your grocery list, but it’s cool.

Regarding the first verse, which is as follows:

“Lord, give me grace and dancing feet
and the power to impress.
Lord give me grace and dancing feet.
Let me outshine them all.”

I already gave you grace, dancing feet, and the power to impress. Notice that your album debuted in the US at number 12 on the Billboard charts. You think that was all your doing? No way! People wanna hear your new album because of your past power to impress them with your last album. That gift of creativity comes from Me, and you’re using it quite well. You already have My grace, and you already can shake your thang on stage. I answered this prayer way before you even wrote this down.

In regards to your wanting to “outshine them all”… slow down there, rock star! Maybe set your sights on outshining Idlewild or Maximo Park before you get all Oasis-ie on us. Just keep doing your thing, but some humbleness can go a long way.

And regarding your second verse, which is as follows:

"Is it so wrong to crave recognition?
Second best, runner-up?
Is it so wrong to want rewarding?
To want more than is given to you?
Than is given to you?"

Yeah, it’s pretty wrong to crave recognition, rewards, and wanting more. Granted, it’s not really your fault (which could be argued), but as soon as you entered a world broken with sin, it’s pretty normal to crave things which I didn’t originally intend for you to need. The only person you need to be recognized by is Me, the only reward you will ever need is My dying for you, and therefore you really don’t need anything more than what’s been given to you. It’s alright though. You’re screwed up, and I love you anyway. Keep begging for stuff, and even though you don’t need or deserve it, I might throw it down to you anyway. I’m a sucker for when My children beg Me for toys.

Your song chorus is as follows:

"Tonight, make me unstoppable,
and I will charm, I will slice,
I will dazzle them with my wit.
Tonight, make me unstoppable
and I will charm, I will slice,
I will dazzle, I will outshine them all."

Kele, with Me, you are unstoppable. Through Me, you will indeed charm, slice, and dazzle. Through Me, you will outshine the sun. Great song. I love you. Keep those remixes and b-sides coming!