Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Hallelujah, whatever

Once you become friends with Me, part of Me literally moves into your body. I can do that. I’m very powerful. So, that part of Me helps you out all the time. If you listen close, you can her Me talking to you through that little version of Me that lives in your heart. When you talk to Me, this hobbit-like mini-Christ is what translates your conversation into the language of angels. It’s the perfect language, very pure. I’ll teach you it when you get up here. Anyway, this translator is able to take the awkward prayers you attempt to send up to Me, and deciphers it into what you really mean. For example, you wouldn’t believe how many people pray nightly for Me to “bless their day”. That’s pretty vague. You want sunshine? You want to win the lottery? What does that mean? Well, that’s one of the reasons I move inside you, so I can figure out what you are saying. That’s also why you can worship Me by singing words you might not understand like “hallelujah” or “hosanna in the highest”. I can figure out what you think you’re saying, and through your odd prayers or worship songs, you and I can have a relationship that is stronger than you realize.

That being said, I gave you all “great” voices. Just because you don’t think you’d make it to the judge table on American Idol doesn’t mean you have an amazing voice. Ever hear of Bob Dylan? His albums sell more than Chris Daughtry, and he sings like a duck… seriously, when ducks talk, it sounds like “Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall”. The voice I gave you, I hand picked for you, and if you use it to sing to Me, it’s more moving than any other earthly sound.

Below is an example of a voice that might not sell many albums, but sings straight into My heart from his. Turn it up and enjoy. Turn it up loud. Louder, I dare you.

Friday, May 04, 2007

45 Nights In Prison

T-Shirt companies! On your mark!!! Get Set!!!! GO!!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, now that Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail, which t-shirt company will be the first to cash in on this by turning her depressing situation into t-shirt gold? The race is on! Will it be the people who brought us “Say Goodbye-a Sanjaya” shirts? Maybe the people who brought us “Team Aniston” shirts? Or maybe “Team Pam” vs. “Team Karen” shirts? Then there’s the classic “Free Winona” shirt people. Or what about the t-shirt makers who brought us some classic anorexia humor found in the “Feed Lindsay” shirt from back when Ms. Lohan was sick? Who know who will win, all we know for sure is… there will be many contestants. First one to find a "humorous" Paris in prison shirt and post the link in the comments gets an apartment upgrade when they get here. Go!!!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Nine Inch Nails? I Wish!

They were at least ten inches, but more like a twelve. Anyway, I’ve never been a huge Nine Inch Nails fan. Back in the day, I bought Pretty Hate Machine and thought “Head Like A Hole” was pretty amazing, but “Something I Can Never Have” just sounded like a bad possible future Johnny Cash cover (glad he went with the other one).

Pretty Hate Machine had lots of kinda interesting anti-Christian symbolism that mostly just came off as a middle finger up at Me, so as you might imagine, it didn’t enter My holy tape deck too often. For those of you kiddies in seminary that have cool teachers that let you write about “secular culture”, this album is an A+ term paper just waiting to be written.

I’ve been listening to Trent’s new album lately, Year Zero, and despite the mostly positive reviews, I still feel a little too much of that middle finger to enjoy this. However, I’ve been loving his new marketing approach, which many of you might already know about. Trent has been very sneaky getting this album hype all stirred up, and to My surprise, his boldest move has not really been getting too much blog attention. That’s why I, the son of Man, am surprising even Myself (not really) by writing up a Nine Inch Nails themed post. And here, ladies and gentlemen, is why…

That crazy Trent Reznor has snuck into and is now the lead singer of the contemporary country band Little Texas! That’s right, the band that brought you “God Bless Texas” is now fronted by Mr. Trent “The Crow is my favorite movie” Reznor! I wouldn’t believe it Myself if I hadn’t seen their new video with My own two plankless eyes. Check it out for yourself over at iFilm. The iFilm site might make you sit through a commercial first, but it is well worth it to see NIN’s Trent Reznor singing a country ballad with Little Texas as his backing band. That Trent Reznor, what will he think of next?