What Would Jesus Blog?

happy birthday

2008-02-08T16:53:00.000-05:00

My dearest little two-headed boy,

I love you, little two-headed boy.
Little two-headed boy, I love you.
Yes I do.

And one day
the little two-headed boy will die
and his ashes will fly
from the aeroplane over the sea.
And when we meet on a cloud,
he’ll be laughing out loud.
He’ll be laughing with everyone he sees.
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all.

Sweet little two-headed boy,
put on your Sunday shoes
and dance around the room.
I love you.
Baby carrot flower, happy tenth birthday.

Love,
A Place Where Some Holy Spectacle Lies

Heath and Me

2008-01-23T11:35:00.000-05:00

The heart of Jesus is breaking all the time. It comes with the job. If I am going to know the hearts of man, it’s going to hurt. I just saw the image above, and it breaks My heart. Allow Me to explain.

I have a book. It’s more like a journal, but I call it the Book Of Life. This book is really just a list of names, along with the date. Whenever Myself and a human become friends, I add their name in the book and the date in which the person asked Me into their life. The book is a big deal because it will be next to My Dad when He is deciding who to let into Heaven. Because Heaven is perfect, He can only let in perfect people. This can be difficult for most people because as soon as they do one stupid thing, there is nothing they can do to make themselves pure again. If anybody has ever missed the mark and screwed up, they are not allowed into the eternal Kingdom of God.

However, there is a loophole. Hi. Nice to meet you. I’m your Loophole. Right before I died, My Dad put all the bad stuff that has ever happened in the world into Me. Every time you put yourself before God and others. Everything you did that tried to lift yourself up like a God. That one time your mom told you not to touch something, but you did anyway. All that was placed into Me, and then I was murdered with all of it locked inside Me.

The loophole is simple. If you want My death to also count for the death of your sins, just ask. I already did it, so it’s no big deal. My Loophole is a gift to you. I offer you purification. Just say “thanks”. Once you and I are pals, I write your name in My Book Of Life. When you die, there’s a trial. God looks at your life to see if you were able to stay perfect, since only perfection can be allowed into perfect Heaven. Most likely, you’re going to screw up. And just as My Dad will sadly deem you not worthy, I’ll jump in for you. I’ll tell My Dad that it’s all good. That you and I are pals. I’ll show the court My Book Of Life with your name and date written in it. And God smiles. And you smile. And then We lead you through the gates where angels have written you a song specifically for you. It will be the most beautiful song you have ever heard. You will see faces of old family and friends looking so happy you made it in. You will see gold and you will see diamonds. And you will see God shining like the Sun. And you will run to Him. And you will know Love.

Heath did this last night.

19 years ago, He and I had a conversation while he was lying in bed. We became friends. We really didn’t talk much after that. I wish we talked more, but most people think they are fine on their own. I love him though, and although we rarely talked, that night I put his name in My book.

Do not let anyone tell you whose names are written in My Book Of Life. That is between Me and that person alone. They have not seen My book. Lot’s of people read My biography and have trouble with it. There seems to be a lot of information in there that can confuse some of My followers. So, I will simplify it again for some of My followers who might be a little confused.

Love Me. Love others. My Father will judge and condemn.

Homosexuality is a cause of sin. So is stealing. So is talking back to your parents. So is hitting. So is gluttony. I don’t see too many people picketing the funerals of the overweight. Please stop picking the sins you think are damnable. We’ve got it all figured out. You just work on loving Me and loving others, and We will take care of the justice. I know you are trying to do the right thing. I know you are trying to follow Me. I spoke nothing about homosexuals while on Earth, but I spoke a lot about loving broken people. I spoke a lot about how to love broken people. You might want to re-read some of that. We have a video of your whole life, too. Out of control on video tape.

Now, Heath Ledger is perfect. Now, Heath Ledger is pure. Let his family and friends celebrate that without being reminded that a lot of Christians are still pretty broken.

And despite this quote on the WBC flyer, “God hates the sordid, tacky bucket of slime seasoned with vomit known as ‘Brokeback Mountain’”, I loved that movie. That quote sounds more like My A Knight's Tale review, but Brokeback Mountain was great.

The Rise and Fall and Rise of Juno

2008-01-18T12:26:00.000-05:00

Juno is an almost perfect film. I know this because I know perfection. I am perfection. Juno is almost perfection. Which is what makes the current Juno backlash so fascinating. There is a growing amount of people that are arguing that Juno was just above average, that Juno is well acted but overwritten.

Some of these people feel threatened by Juno. It’s too sweet. It’s too simple. It’s too pushy. It’s too one-liner-ie. Nobody talks like how Juno talks. Some people are too cool for Juno. Some people are not cool enough for Juno. Some people just can’t admit to liking a cute film. People will loudly proclaim that they did not like Juno, and by saying so feel like they are making a stand. Some people are just angry people, and have a hard time standing behind anything that isn’t angry. For example, you would have trouble finding someone who hates both Juno and South Park.

There are Facebook groups with such titles as “I Hate Juno”, “Juno Is A Horrible Movie”, “Juno What Blows, This Movie”, “Juno, The Great Disappointment”, and four groups all with the title “Juno Sucks”. The popular movie news website Joblo, despite one of their reviewers earlier giving it a 9.5 out of 10, just ran an article by one of their writers about how they didn’t like Juno. Internet Movie Data Base is also swamped with people who are excited to rage against Juno, with over 80 one star reviews. Here are some quotes, which I will keep anonymous:

“It tried way to hard to be cool and be liked rather than be a good movie. Even though im a fan of Iggy Pop, Sonic Youth, Dario Argento etc. it was way to obvious that those references were randomly placed in the movie to seem cool. And just because The Shins got popular off Garden State, that doesnt mean that you should try and do the same with The Moly Peaches. It was also painfull to listen to Juno and her friend talk. Yeah, we got it. . . you want the dialouge of Napolean Dynamite so you can make all of the money off t shirts and dolls, but you wanna be remembered like Garden State. God this movie was dissapointing.”

“Juno's voice and dialogue were fkn painful to endure. I cringe imagining wannabe hipster kids quoting all those crappy, pseudo-cutesy/clever catchphrases from this abysmal waste of time. There's a difference between using slang to make a movie seem realistic and using it as a series of glorified, flat one-liners, and Juno definitely hit solely the latter of the two.”

"Juno is so overrated I could cry."

“Plays like an ad for the anti-abortion movement.”

“The only reason this movie deserves a 1 is because the scale doesn't go down to zero or negative numbers. This was literally the worst movie on the planet. I would rather see a movie with talking animals than this movie. The best part of the movie was when it ended although the darkness in the theater helped me get a good nap. The writer of this clearly had a great public school education because this movie idea probably came when she was taken a deuce and looked down to see a script. I think if you had the choice between this movie and any other movie, take the other one. If it's between Juno and a family reunion, go to the family reunion, your Uncle Bob probably hasn't seen you in a long time anyway. If it's between Juno and giving blood, give some blood, it'll make you feel charitable. If it's between Juno and a slow and painful death, it really doesn't matter which way you choose because those are the same. This was the only movie I have ever spent sleeping the first 30 minutes and then listening to my IPOD the last hour. And whatever you do, don't see it with someone you're going out with. If it's a guy, he'll want to get you pregnant, and if it's a girl, well, you'll want to get pregnant. I think it's best for your unborn child and for your well being to try to get a restraining order on Juno and if that turns out to not be possible, just burn down any movie theater that is showing Juno, trust me, it's worth the jail time.”

Now some people might argue that everyone is different and that I made people to have different likes and dislikes, and this is true. It is also true that a select few out there fit in the category entitled “People God Made That Will Not Be Able To Enjoy Juno”, but that is a very short list. So then, if God didn’t make so many Juno haters, what is going on with this backlash?

Simply put, most people have insecurity issues.

If you know somebody who really didn’t like Juno, they probably think about themselves way too much. They worry way too much about how others perceive them. With so many people are thinking about themselves, there’s hardly anyone left to think of others. Ellen Page plays a character that is almost to fun and charming for many people, and they see in her what they are not. If you are more excited to shout out to anyone how you disliked Juno more than other films, than you should really wrestle with how you became that way. What are your thoughts of Beowolf? What did you think of National Treasure 2?

Why does Juno offend more than other films? Because if you admit to liking it, you are admitting that you thought it was cool. In a way, this puts the film above you on the coolness scale. If you didn’t think it was all that, even though most all film critics loved it and Ebert called it the best film of 2007, if you thought it was “just alright”, then you can attempt to feel cooler than this film. But that has nothing to do with Juno at all, and everything to do with you feeling like you are something special and unique. I did make you special. I did make you unique. But I also made you to enjoy Juno, and it breaks My heart when you go against how you were made.

To the two of you reading this who are one My short list of “People God Made That Will Not Be Able To Enjoy Juno”, this post is not for you. I love you, now go watch Alvin And The Chipmunks again.

NO NEED TO SHOUT

2008-01-07T00:18:00.000-05:00

Every so often, somebody likes to yell at Me in My blog comments. Rarely do I respond via this blog. However, I would like to respond a recent comment, which I have copied and pasted below. The comment was as follows:

IF GOD REALLY DOES EXSIT WHY IS IT THAT HE MAKES UP SUFFER AND IF HE IS REAL WHY DOES HE GIVE US EMOTIONS WHEN SOME OF THEM WILL HURT US OR THE PEOPLE WE CARE ABOUT. WHY IS IT THAT HE GIVES US LIFE AND LITTLE HAPPINESS BUT TAKES AWAY LIFE AND OUR HAPPINESS WHEN WE ARE GLAD TO HAVE WHAT WE HAVE AND HE TAKES IT AWAY. I SAY THAT IF GOD REALLY LOVED US HE WOULDN'T MAKE US SUFFER AND WOULDN'T TAKE AWAY THE THINGS OR THE PEOPLE WE CARE ABOUT THE MOST.

And now, My response…

Dear Anonymous,
I have created your world and your life. I have loved you ever since I made you in a special place. While creating you, I placed in your heart a set of morals. I remember the morals which I gave you, and I remember specifically placing in those morals the rules of when and when not to excessively use your caps lock key. You clearly went against your own heart which I made for you when you went against your better judgment and typed your whole comment in capitol letters. You know this is wrong, and yet you do it anyway.

Unfortunately, Anonymous, you live in a world surrounded by people that go against the seeds of righteousness I have planted in their hearts. When the world turned against Me, the world fell apart. Why the suffering? Why the Hurt? Why the excessive use of the caps lock key? The answer is only three letters long… S.I.N.

I’m sorry that you have to wrestle about Me in a world so screwed up. The good news is I did something about it. I’ve created a place better than where you’re stuck, a place where suffering doesn’t even exist. I also made a way for you to get up here. If you want in, and believe in Me you do, then calm down on your caps lock key and keep searching for the truth. At the end of your journey, you’ll find Me with My arms spread wide open. That’s a cross reference, get it?

I died for you. I died for your excessive caps lock key use. I died for your anger. I’m sorry you are hurting. You won’t be much longer. I love you. Read My biography and we’ll chat.

Jesus Christ

Anybody else got anything they want to vent My way? Drop Me a line and maybe I'll respond back in blog format.

Jesus Christ's Best of 2007

2007-12-31T15:48:00.000-05:00

Jesus Christ’s Favorite Albums of 2007

14. Bloc Party – A Weekend In the City

I love this album. It’s sounds like a smarter Coldplay… which I guess makes it a more complex U2, or a less weird Radiohead, or a more textured Travis, or a less sucky Keane, or a less marketable Snow Patrol, or a more marketable Aqualung. Whatever you want to call it, it’s good. Plus, there’s a song about prayer that makes Me want to dance.

13. Bruce Springsteen – Magic

Here’s My problem with Springsteen, all his music since Tunnel Of Love seem to have lost that sense of Bruce wearing his heart on his sleeve. He is more calculated now, more self aware, more safe. I love the new album a lot. It is loud, playful, and fun. It’s just not quite as dangerous and honest as are the best Springsteen albums. He is a comfortable family man now, and his music sounds like it. Granted, this is still better than most other albums of 2007. If you disagree, it is because I made you with less refined taste.

12. Ween – La Cucaracha

Ween always seems like just a one hit wonder away from being huge. Like all other Ween albums, “La Cucaracha” has some songs that are shockingly amazing, and some songs that are embarrassingly awful. Most all Ween fans agree with this. However, very few can agree on which songs are the awful ones and which are the amazing ones. There are few songs I hated more in 2007 than “Learning To Love”, but there were few songs I loved more than “Woman and Man”. Thus, the magic of Ween. I’m still waiting for the gospel themed album.

11. Roddy Woomble – I Came In From The Mountain

Idlewild front man Roddy Woomble’s solo album sounds like Scotland. It’s nice for Roddy to get away from Idlewild and record a less rocky and more melodic album. I love Idlewild, but find their live acoustic performance recordings more moving than their albums. This album sound more like that version of Idlewild, and Scotland. This probably came out in 2006, but unless you don't care if your name makes it in My book or not, I don't think you should argue with Me.

10. Los Campesinos! - Sticking Fingers Into Sockets EP

I’m putting an EP on this list because I LOVE IT and can not wait for their proper full length. Los Campesinos have the wittiest lyrics of 2007. Very few songs made Jesus dance around His room like a little girl, but “You! Me! Dancing!” had Me wiggling, then hitting repeat, and wiggling more. Have fun picturing that.

9. Jeff Tweedy – Letters to Santa Benefit Living Room Concert

Not an actual album, but I’m God so I count it. I believe this intimate bootleg found Me via I Am Fuel, We Are Friends. I was going to put the new Wilco album on this list, but I realized I have enjoyed listening to this even more. The new Wilco album is lovely, but this bootleg is something special. I know something about Jeff Tweedy’s soul, and this bootleg lets you see that soul more than their proper CD releases.

8. Iron and Wine – Shepherd’s Dog

It is always exciting when a band’s sound evolves, yet it still sounds completely like that band. This is a perfect example of this phenomenon. For those worried that they might miss out on more folk ballad purity, your prayers were answered with “Flightless Bird, American Mouth”. Plus he looks like Me.

7. David Bazan – Live at the Grey Eagle: Asheville, NC 11/4/07

Yeah, not an album again, but I’m God so I can add stuff like this to My list. His new songs are amazing and David Bazan rarely fails to impress Me. And on the creative scale, I only set him to be about a 7.

6. Avril Lavigne – The Best Damn Thing

This is on My list due to the fact that I listened to this album more than most other albums in 2007. I am bearing My heart here. I could have hidden this from you, but I want you to know Me. I love Avril Lavigne. How fascinating is it that this is what happened to punk rock? And to think there was a time when Green Day felt like the soulless definition of punk commodity. However, no matter how you package your bubble gum, it’s still bubble gum. This is bubble gum in it’s purest form, and Jesus loves bubble gum.

5. Okkervil River – The Stage Names

Okkervil River always releases lovely albums, and this is My favorite of theirs, solely due to the Beach Boys nod.

4. Dan Deacon – Spiderman of the Rings

This is the sound of a nerd exploding. If you threw They Might Be Giants, Justice, and Alvin and the Chipmunks into a blender, then recorded the sound spewing out of that blender, you might hear Dan Deacon.

3. Spoon – Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga

The most radio friendly indie rock of 2007, the average 12 year old would love this album. If their song Underdog was on last summer’s kid movie Underdog soundtrack, they would have a much younger audience. The album is easily their most accessible, and also easily their best.

2. Of Montreal - Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?

Like Dylan going electric, when Of Montreal went electronic, a bit of My love for them died. I liked their new dance beats, but I missed the twee-ness of Cherry Peel more. After this album, I don’t care if they never go near any gay parades again. This album raised the Montreal bar to a level I did not know they could reach. Of Montreal have out Flaming Lips the Flaming Lips to become the coolest and most danceable psychedelic pop band of contemporary music. Jesus Christ loves Kevin Barnes.

1. Radiohead – In Rainbows

Like an R.E.M. cover band from Neptune… in the future! This album caught Me by surprise, not because it was good, but because I loved it. My love switched to respect for this band once Kid A ripped apart everything simple about Radiohead. My respect has switched back to head over heels in love with this band. Even disk 2 is better than most music other bands released this year. I question the authenticity of any best album list that has In Rainbows on their list, but not at number 1. I was really hoping no album would be better than Hissing Fauna because I was excited for Of Montreal to have My favorite album of 2007. Sorry Barnes and company, but placing you higher than In Rainbows would be a sin.

Album of 2007 that Broke the Heart of Jesus

Bright Eyes – Cassadaga

Ever join a conversation and get the feeling that they are making fun of you but you really can’t be sure? Maybe with some odd glances and uncomfortable smiles. That’s how I feel when I listen to this album. I get that odd sense that Conor Oberst is putting Me down, and of all the people who have lived on your planet, I am the one person you don’t want on your bad side. I have loved the music of Bright Eyes ever since I first heard his cracking shrieks about lovers being tied together and thrown into the ocean. As people threw out the Dylan comparisons, I agreed, and for a while, even felt that Conor was acting a better Dylan that Dylan. However, this album is the first time I’ve seen cracks in the folk machine. Plus, I get the feeling Conor is mad about Me for something, which sucks because I love the guy.

Jesus Christ’s Favorite Movies of 2007

10. The preview for My Name Is Bruce

I enjoyed this preview more than most films in 2007. There is no way this film can live up to the magic in this trailer, but the idea of mixing the Evil Dead with The Three Amigos sounds like B-Movie perfection.

9. Live Free or Die Hard

This movie had no business being not terrible. It was part 4 of a dying franchise, starring a former action hero who has lost most his drawl. And while still nowhere near as good as the original, it somehow was really, really fun. Die Hard 4.0 walked the line of cheesy action and cheesy dialog, and rarely slipped… and when it did, it was fun. Plus, not since Red Dawn has PG-13 ever looked more R.

8. Superbad / Knocked Up

These films were vulgar, raunchy, wrong, and honest. They reminded Me of the nights when Me and My disciples would sit out by the fire and they would be happy with their full stomachs and wine, and would just start laughing and rambling until things got a little out of hand.

7. 28 Weeks Later

This is the scariest zombie movie since the original Dawn of the Dead. Ever since 28 Days Later, I have stood behind My stance that zombies are scarier when they are slow and wobbly. The first 10 minutes of this film has made Me see the magic in zombies that can run… fast. Like Raiders Of The Lost Ark and Saving Private Ryan, this movie opening is so wild that it eclipses the rest of the film. Not that the rest of the film isn’t good, I loved everything about this movie and I hope this can spawn another sequel.

6. Open Water 2

Rarely are straight to video DVD’s worth renting. However, there is always this hope that maybe, just maybe, this one film might be the one that just somehow slipped through the cracks. Maybe I find one a year that fit the rare category of being better than the straight to video hand they’ve been delt. This year, I think it happened twice. One surprise was the far better than the predecessor Wrong Turn 2, which still was a nasty, gory inbreed slashfest that doesn’t get the Son of God’s approval, but still should have done better than it has. The second one, though, is a film I can happily stand behind. Open Water 2 is a straight to video sequel that not too many people saw, and most who did didn’t seem to think it was anything too special. They are all wrong. I’m God, and I know they are wrong. This film is terrifying and far superior to the original. The plot is simple, what if a group of young adults jumped off a yacht in the middle of the ocean and forgot to put down the ladder? This film follows that premise and its terrifying results. It has nothing to do with part 1, other than the somewhat similar premise, which makes the title a little unfortunate. This film is well acted and well shot, and genuinely scary as the viewer watches this nightmare scenario unfold.

5. Sunshine

I made light attractive. Humans are instinctively drawn to light. I made you that way. This little science fiction masterpiece not only captures this human desire to worship the sun (son), but it is also really creepy! Films that can pull off both beauty and scary are a select few, and this film makes it happen. It’s hard to guess where this film is heading, and once it gets there… well, it’s more than a little startling. Science, religion, horror, adventure, and psychobabble are hard plates to keep spinning without breaking, and director Danny Boyle does a wonderful job and keeping them all above his head.

4. American Gangster

Few people can kill a dog cooler than Josh Brolin.

3. Juno

From start to finish, this film had Me grinning ear to ear. Everything about this film is adorable. It’s Pixar animal baby cute. Everything from calling Sonic Youth noise to threatening to punch wieners, just about every scene and bit of dialogue made Me smile. Plus, this world needs more movies where Kimya Dawson on the soundtrack feels normal. People who put this movie down need to think long and hard about what type of person that want be. Do you want to be the type of person who puts down Juno? People don't like that person, but Jesus will still forgive you, even though it will be hard.

2. 300

This decade’s Matrix, but without possible symbolism about Me. Take Braveheart, take out the heart, and add comic books, and this is EXACTLY how it would look. Film evolution. And like how The Matrix made the new Star Wars films look outdated, so does this with any other action film from this year, such as Beowulf. However, the true reason I love this film is simple. This movie will forever be known to Me as the film that made the possibility of an Oscar-worthy version of Watchmen have the fighting chance it deserves.

1. No Country For Old Men

The reason this was the best film of the year is not the acting or directing, although both are perfect. The reason this film was better than all others was because of the script. This script is perfection, as if I died for the sins of humanity and this script. The “is the villain in the motel room or not?” scene pushes this movie into one of the more complex and fascinating films I’ve seen in years. It is a movie you can enjoy at face value, or dig into and question everything. The magic is not just what is on the screen, but all the possible scenarios that could have happened while the camera was showing us something else. Plus, few people can kill a dog cooler than Josh Brolin.

Movies of 2007 that Broke the Heart of Jesus

3. Pirates of the Caribbean 3

I stood up for part 2. Bought the DVD. Told people it was as good as part 1. This film was so bad, it made Me question the existence of Me.

2. Grindhouse

Three hours of boring winks to the audience. Even the fake previews were less amazing as their hype.

1. Transformers

Only people who didn’t care about the Transformers cartoons and comics could have truly enjoyed this. For the few of us who loved the drama, soap opera, and character development of the Transformers of the 80’s, this movie was a giant slap in the face of how amazing a great Transformers movie could have been. This movie broke My heart more than any more in 2007. Listening to whole theaters cracking up as Transformers peed made Me sweat blood. Bumblebee was not a Beetle, and actually beating up a Beetle in his introduction? But the saddest punch of all… the nod that Star Scream and Megatron have issues with each other, and leaving it at just a nod, as if to tell Transformers fans that they the film makers “get it”. This film could have been something special. Instead, they just filmed up close action that was difficult to follow, and then they killed the black Transformer. Heartbreaking.

Best Comic of 2007

The Green Lantern Sinestro War

Best Book I Read In 2007 That Could Have Been One Of My Parables

The Road, by Comic McCarthy

Best Person of 2007

you

Alright

2007-12-28T09:21:00.001-05:00

I'll keep blogging. Best of 2007 to come shortly!

Anybody Out There?

2007-12-26T23:07:00.000-05:00

Hope you enjoyed My birthday. I've been busy. I love you. Should I start updating again, or just let this blog die (only to come back 3 days later... but then to go up to Heaven forever)? Any thoughts?

21 Reasons Why Jesus Christ loves In Rainbows

2007-10-13T16:32:00.000-04:00

21 Reasons Why Jesus Christ loves In Rainbows by Radiohead

1. Since Kid A, Radiohead became a band I respect more than love. Now, I am madly in love with them once again.

2. Loved the feeling of us again waiting together for a release date.

3. The song Nude.

4. Hearing on October 1st that we would have the new album in 10 days.

5. Hearing Thom Yorke echoing the word “dance” in Jigsaw Falling Into Place.

6. The scissors sound throughout Reckoner.

7. The joy of paying a price I think this album is worth.

8. The surprise of hearing Thom Yorke sing “I just wanna be your lover.”

9. The album length.

10. Thom Yorke reintroducing melody.

11. The song Faust Arp

12. The hints of Paranoid Android rock at the end of Bodysnatchers.

13. CD 2 in December.

14. Nothing but mp3s in the zip folder.

15. The light fear that the band is somehow now tracking all who put these mp3’s into their iPods.

16. People arguing over it being a publicity stunt.

17. The feeling of the album being a gift.

18. The odd sense that the indie kids were all happy together with one album.

19. Wondering what Pitchfork will think of it.

20. The song All I Need.

21. The album points to My invisible qualities, My eternal power and divine nature, which can be clearly seen through this music, and can see Me clearly, so that people who have heard this album are without excuse.

This Is How The World Ends

2007-10-03T15:54:00.000-04:00

Hey followers of me who don’t professionally study weather patterns, quit trying to sound like you know what you’re talking about regarding the possibility of their not being a current global warming problem. Don’t quote Christian radio or pastors and try to sound like you are an expert on this. Especially if you have not yet sat through An Inconvenient Truth. I understand that Al Gore is a liberal, but I love him just as much as you… so back off him. He has done more homework on the subject than you, so the least you should do, if you plan on convincing others that global warming is a sham, is to watch the film and let him explain to you some of his reasons behind why he thinks the world is slowly dying… unless you don’t believe that. Unless, somehow, you’ve interpreted My biography in a way that doesn’t have your planet ending poorly. Many of you argue points that the film already has clearly explained, thus making you sound like a clanging symbol circa five years ago. Take care of my gift to you.

PS – extra gold crown for anybody who can name what film the above image is from!

Kathy Griffin and Me

2007-09-18T15:09:00.000-04:00

12 Ways I Actually Did Help Kathy Griffin Win An Emmy

Stopped that bear from finding her when she was on that hike.
Air.
Almost made her a really funny meerkat.
Made sure they made an Emmy category for both “Outstanding Reality Program” and “Outstanding Reality Competition Program.”
Stopped the creation of the show “Steve Martin: My Life On The B List.”
Positioned the moon to allow the tides to aid with water purification.
Helped her humor by making her awkward in Jr. High.
Knew her speech would spark interesting conversation.
Diverted horrific tricycle accident.
Ensured her hardest competition to be the Dog Whisperer.
She was fearfully and wonderfully made.
Died for the salvation of My fellow Jew (in heart).

Black Kate Moss

2007-09-11T15:18:00.000-04:00

Many of you have been throwing prayers up my way, asking for a black Kate Moss. For a guy who knows absolutely everything, like that time you did that thing to that guys car, asking for a black version of a model was still a little confusing. Then I heard the new Kanye West album, and now I get it.

I also get that many of you who have been praying for this for awhile now probably downloaded this album illegally. I take all that into account for if you get in here or not, so be careful. The IRAA is the least of your worries.

That being said, I LOVE the new Iron & Wine album.

Anyway, in regards to a black Kate Moss...

This is not perfection, people. I make each one of you perfectly. I spend months putting you together. Few things scare Me, but you my friend, I was freaked out when I was putting you together. You were fearfully and wonderfully made, and so was white Kate Moss. I'm sorry if you think I screwed up and that Kate Moss should have been a black person, but I made her a white girl for a reason. Kate Moss is a white girl and she's staying that way.

Now, a black Twiggie, that would be interesting. Although the line "you could be my black Twiggie tonight" might be a little confusing. What about "you could be my white Naomi Campbell tonight"? You could really get wild if you added some crayon colors into it, such as "you could be my neon carrot Gisele Bundchen tonight" or "you could be my eggplant Adriana Lima tonight".

But for the record, no black Kate Moss.

For those of you wondering what a white Kanye West might sound like, pick up his new album, it's pretty impressive.

Back From The Dead

2007-09-05T14:49:00.000-04:00

Hey! Son of Man here. How are things going? I’ve been offline for the summer and missed you guys. Sorry to disappear like that. Things got a little wild here. Make sure to ask Me about it if you get up here, it’s a good story. And for all you apologetics kiddies out there… I didn’t really “disappear”, I was just offline and far from the internet.

Again, not that you can’t find Me in the internet, but Jesus Christ, the Guy who writes this blog, was away from His desk. Anyway, what did I miss? Any song of the summer I need to hear besides Umbrella or the Delilah with the worst chorus on current Top 40? I saw the Counting Crows put out their final “Around” song in their epic “Around Here”, “Hanging Around”, “Come Around” trilogy. Is G4 still doing a better job on teen culture than MTV? Any movie come out that was better than “Knocked Up”? People still acting like “Heroes” was an amazing show? What’s been going down?

In God news, I’ve been busy! Hope you guys are feeling blessed, because if you are able to read this, then believe Me, you are blessed. Jesus is your rock and I roll your blues away! Seriously, what great new albums do I need to check out?

Scars

2007-08-29T15:23:00.000-04:00

The below poem was emailed to Me, and I was given permission to reprint it here anonymously. I've missed you all very much.
-JC

Scars

Will our heavenly bodies have scars?
I would think our blemishes would
get photoshopped clean.

But Jesus came back with scars.
Holes in his side, his wrists.
Maybe that doesn’t count.
Maybe he wasn’t in Heaven yet
And thus yet to get his new body.

He would look cool with his scars,
Glowing gold with his long brown hair
and jagged scars like wrist tattoos,
maybe a little indented, on all four sides.

Although I only have a few,
I like my scars.
They are who I am, part of me.
I like my creek rock damaged shin.

What about emotional scars?
Will I remember giving that black eye?
Will I remember Jr. High?
Hating people?

If this is all taken away,
is it replaced with something better?
And if so, am I no longer me?
Some sort of holy me
which I currently can hardly relate?
Will I like the perfect version of myself?
Will the flawed me disappear from existence?
Perhaps there will be heavenly video footage
stored in the holy library,
videos of our whole lives,
of who we were,
before we were made right.

Hallelujah, whatever

2007-05-16T11:19:00.000-04:00

Once you become friends with Me, part of Me literally moves into your body. I can do that. I’m very powerful. So, that part of Me helps you out all the time. If you listen close, you can her Me talking to you through that little version of Me that lives in your heart. When you talk to Me, this hobbit-like mini-Christ is what translates your conversation into the language of angels. It’s the perfect language, very pure. I’ll teach you it when you get up here. Anyway, this translator is able to take the awkward prayers you attempt to send up to Me, and deciphers it into what you really mean. For example, you wouldn’t believe how many people pray nightly for Me to “bless their day”. That’s pretty vague. You want sunshine? You want to win the lottery? What does that mean? Well, that’s one of the reasons I move inside you, so I can figure out what you are saying. That’s also why you can worship Me by singing words you might not understand like “hallelujah” or “hosanna in the highest”. I can figure out what you think you’re saying, and through your odd prayers or worship songs, you and I can have a relationship that is stronger than you realize.

That being said, I gave you all “great” voices. Just because you don’t think you’d make it to the judge table on American Idol doesn’t mean you have an amazing voice. Ever hear of Bob Dylan? His albums sell more than Chris Daughtry, and he sings like a duck… seriously, when ducks talk, it sounds like “Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall”. The voice I gave you, I hand picked for you, and if you use it to sing to Me, it’s more moving than any other earthly sound.

Below is an example of a voice that might not sell many albums, but sings straight into My heart from his. Turn it up and enjoy. Turn it up loud. Louder, I dare you.

45 Nights In Prison

2007-05-04T21:48:00.000-04:00

T-Shirt companies! On your mark!!! Get Set!!!! GO!!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, now that Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail, which t-shirt company will be the first to cash in on this by turning her depressing situation into t-shirt gold? The race is on! Will it be the people who brought us “Say Goodbye-a Sanjaya” shirts? Maybe the people who brought us “Team Aniston” shirts? Or maybe “Team Pam” vs. “Team Karen” shirts? Then there’s the classic “Free Winona” shirt people. Or what about the t-shirt makers who brought us some classic anorexia humor found in the “Feed Lindsay” shirt from back when Ms. Lohan was sick? Who know who will win, all we know for sure is… there will be many contestants. First one to find a "humorous" Paris in prison shirt and post the link in the comments gets an apartment upgrade when they get here. Go!!!

Nine Inch Nails? I Wish!

2007-05-02T15:27:00.000-04:00

They were at least ten inches, but more like a twelve. Anyway, I’ve never been a huge Nine Inch Nails fan. Back in the day, I bought Pretty Hate Machine and thought “Head Like A Hole” was pretty amazing, but “Something I Can Never Have” just sounded like a bad possible future Johnny Cash cover (glad he went with the other one).

Pretty Hate Machine had lots of kinda interesting anti-Christian symbolism that mostly just came off as a middle finger up at Me, so as you might imagine, it didn’t enter My holy tape deck too often. For those of you kiddies in seminary that have cool teachers that let you write about “secular culture”, this album is an A+ term paper just waiting to be written.

I’ve been listening to Trent’s new album lately, Year Zero, and despite the mostly positive reviews, I still feel a little too much of that middle finger to enjoy this. However, I’ve been loving his new marketing approach, which many of you might already know about. Trent has been very sneaky getting this album hype all stirred up, and to My surprise, his boldest move has not really been getting too much blog attention. That’s why I, the son of Man, am surprising even Myself (not really) by writing up a Nine Inch Nails themed post. And here, ladies and gentlemen, is why…

That crazy Trent Reznor has snuck into and is now the lead singer of the contemporary country band Little Texas! That’s right, the band that brought you “God Bless Texas” is now fronted by Mr. Trent “The Crow is my favorite movie” Reznor! I wouldn’t believe it Myself if I hadn’t seen their new video with My own two plankless eyes. Check it out for yourself over at iFilm. The iFilm site might make you sit through a commercial first, but it is well worth it to see NIN’s Trent Reznor singing a country ballad with Little Texas as his backing band. That Trent Reznor, what will he think of next?

Youtube Indie Rock Acoustic Guitar Girls

2007-04-23T11:28:00.000-04:00

I’m a harp fan. That’s why I hold Joanna Newsom so close to My heart. All My favorite oldies were written for Me on a harp. If I had to pick a second favorite instrument, it would be the recorder. Coming in third, the acoustic guitar…. an instrument that anybody can learn if they put the time and energy into it, and within months you can sound almost like you know what you’re doing.

Songs often point to Me. Singing and talking are not too different, when being created in the physical body. But in a spiritual sense, they are vastly different… and you know what I mean, because you’ve felt it too. There is something spiritual about singing, and I know this because I put it there. People often mistake “worship” as simply singing a song about Me, when in actuality, worshiping Me is a constant day to day possibility that is more a mindset that leads to action… verses singing Me a love song. However, I see why this is often confused, because singing IS definitely an easy way to worship Me, because humanity is so moved by song. Here are a few worship songs that have floated out onto the internet, by way of girls with acoustic guitars. They are all beautiful and they are all worshiping something. Listen closely, and you just might hear Me in the background.

The Decemberists – The Engine Driver

The Shins – Young Pilgrims

Wilco - I Am Trying To Break Your Heart

Radiohead – Karma Police

Bright Eyes – Lua

Neutral Milk Hotel - Two Headed Boy

Antony and the Johnsons – Hope There’s Someone

Death Cab For Cutie – I Will Follow You Into The Dark

Sufjan Stevens – Chicago

Muse – Unintended

Elliott Smith – Between The Bars

Broken Social Scene – Major Label Debut

Arctic Monkeys – When The Sun Goes Down

Oasis – Stop Crying Yer Heart Out

Eisley – They All Surrounded Me

Feist – Mushaboom

Iron and Wine – Naked As We Came

Laura Veirs – Spelunking

Mazzy Star – Into Dust

Pixies – Where Is My Mind

The Smiths – Ask

The Verve – The Drugs Don’t Work

We Are Scientists – Can’t Lose

Antony and the Johnsons – You Are My Sister

King Solomon Reviews Grindhouse

2007-04-12T10:00:00.000-04:00

I’ve yet to see Grindhouse. Not because it’s too graphic for Jesus, after all, My life story was made into one of the more violent films ever made. Why have I not see it yet? Because Robert Rodriguez has yet to make a movie that has Me say more than “that was almost really good”, and because I don’t want to see Quentin Tarantino make a good “bad” movie on purpose.

Three hours of film makers winking at the camera, as if to say “see, bad films are fun!” No guys, bad films are bad. If a film comes along like Near Dark, which is an AMAZING vampire film that just happens to fit in the “bad vampire film” genre, that doesn’t change it from being a good flick. Don’t label it bad simply because it is surrounded by lameness. In the same way, don’t make a film purposely lame with the hopes of that being entertaining. Evil Dead isn’t great because it’s a bad film, it’s great because it rises above what should be a bad film (and for that matter, throwing a weapon on as a human appendage doesn’t instantly turn Rose McGowan into Bruce Campbell).

Quentin has yet to make a classic film since Pulp Fiction because he is focusing too much on making film mix tapes for us instead of making amazing films. Sure, Kill Bill would have been mostly good if it was heavily edited into two solid hours, but it’s still a far cry from the culture shifting magic of Pulp Fiction. I’ll eventually see Grindhouse, but definitely not on the holiday of My going through one of the worse possible deaths know to humanity. It’s a renter for the Man Upstairs.

However, I just received an email from… believe it or not… My main man King Solomon. He saw it, and wrote Me a review of it which he gave Me permission to post up here on My holy blog. I think you’ll find it interesting, to say the least. I thought he’d be all his normal “meaningless, meaningless, there’s nothing new under the camera lens”… but to My surprise, he actually enjoyed it. So here you have it, King Solomon’s thoughts on Grindhouse.

Word up, Jesus! King Solomon here, dropping you a line regarding that Grindhouse movie. I’ve seen a lot of movies, but I bet that Quentin Tarantino has seen more. Everything he does is gold. I am beginning to suspect that he made a deal with You Know Who (I mean the Lord of Hosts, who is kind enough to let me post here because of His love… I do not mean Voldemort).

This one time John Updike said of Vladimir Nabokov, “He writes prose the only way it should be written. That is, ecstatically.” …or something like that. This is how I feel about Tarantino films. He shoots them ecstatically.

The first half of the movie is called Planet Terror and it is greater than or equal to completely awesome. I love zombies like the Dutch love tulips; so of course I’m going to like Planet Terror. There were a lot of “suggestive themes” up front so I was glad I didn’t go with Sheba, because that would have been weird. Instead, I brought my son Jeroboam because we are cool like that. It was still a little weird, but nothing I haven’t seen in my days of excess that proved to me that that sinning gets really old after a while (I mean, have you noticed how tired Brittney Spears looks?).

Anyway, the dialogue was gloriously terrible. There was even one plot hole I noticed. (Can you find it?!) Not good bad, either. Bad bad. Which makes it GREAT bad. This is a movie in which our attention is called to every glaring imperfection, and we are invited to celebrate. Oh, it is a treat! So much of a treat, in fact, that I was sure that no matter how great the second act, Death Proof, was, it would not compare.

But, it does compare! The editing is just hilarious, the sound is off at every cut, the girls’ hair isn’t the right way when the camera angles change… delicious. And, of course, an evil Kurt Russell. Death Proof may be a tribute to ‘spoiltation flicks, but it has Tarantino’s finger prints all over it (not literally… that would impede the film viewing experience). Again, the characters engage in some debauchery that, I think, the film shows to be more of a bad idea than a good idea (Don’t use marijuana, you might require your faculties when a stuntman killer is after you).

The chases are more intense than you might like. There is no CG in this movie, so when a girl is hanging out the window at 120 mph, a girl is hanging out the window at 120 mph. It reminds me of Ben Hur (the read Ben Hur, not the 1907 silent movie [Happy centennial, Ben Hur!]) Anyway, it’s intense.

So I have to recommend Grindhouse, but only to our readers who are old and wise. The United States of America says you should be at least 17 to see it. I would say at least 150, but I am old and crotchety.

(WWJB)KS out

I'm Weeping, Too

2007-03-28T14:42:00.000-04:00

Here’s how it works. You steer your way through life, and I tweak things around to make sure we all get to the same ending. I know how the world ends, and I know how I’d like to get there.

However, with you guys all running around with free will, getting everything to line up for how I originally planned the finale of the world can be very difficult. For example, I want you to go to work. Because you are self centered and break My rules and heart from time to time, you decide you’d rather call in sick and see 300. Maybe I had planned for you to say something random to your co-worker that would lead to his decision not to sleep with that prostitute he had lined up for that evening, but because you skipped out on work, I need to find other ways to send that co-worker a hint that maybe sleeping with that prostitute would not end well for him. It’s no big deal, I can still make something work… it’s just more complicated.

That being said, Sanjaya is not supposed to still be on American Idol. You guys are keeping him on that show against My will. Again, this isn’t a problem… it’s just more complicated. Every week that Sanjaya stays on American Idol past when he was originally supposed to get kicked off, your whole world is a little bit out of wack and I have to play clean-up.

Long story short, cut it out. Quit voting for him. I get it. It’s funny. We’ll see who’s laughing when the end of the world shows up a little bit earlier than planned because of the events you are all currently setting in motion. Go on, laugh it up.

I Will Make You Fishers Of Cat

2007-03-23T11:14:00.000-04:00

I used to love fishing. It made for such a classic analogy. However, I was a fan of fishing with nets. However, no other type of fishing entertains Me more than noodling… the art of fishing for catfish using only your wiggling finger as bait. If you have yet to hear of noodling, you are in for quite a treat! I just came across a website that is selling a DVD entitled Girls Gone Grabblin’, which is a fishing documentary starring girls in bathing suits letting catfish bite their hands. Joy! Here’s a preview for your noodle viewing pleasure:

Preview of Girls Gone Grabblin’

Nothing says “I’m unique!” quite like adding this DVD to your collection. Whip this out when you have friends over, and watch stare at you in confusion! For more on noodling, watch this news excerpt, or buy the documentary Okie-Noodling, with a soundtrack by The Flaming Lips… seriously.

Near Wild Heaven

2007-03-13T23:28:00.000-04:00

Jesus Christ Interviews a Woman with a Mike Mills Tattoo, In Honor of R.E.M.’s Induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

If you know the Father, then you know the Son, and if you know the Son, then you know his love for all things R.E.M. One person who clearly is a more devout R.E.M. fan than the Son of God, is a woman who goes by the name of Mizz Mills. Here is the brief history of this woman and Me:

I sometimes hop back into human form all incognito and check out a what's happening down there with My peeps (that's not Me using clichéd hip hop slang, that's Me referring to humans as the popular Easter marshmallow treat... inside joke between Me and Noah). Anyway, I decide to head to Atlanta in ’99 to see the three R.E.M. shows there, when I literally bump into a woman with a tattoo of Mike Mills staring right at Me… from her chest. I am immediately in awe of her clear undying love for Mike Mills. I see tattoos of Me all the time, but R.E.M. basest Mike Mills... this is something special.

Jump to a few weeks ago, when I posted a clump of random photos of band tattoos, and I ended it with a shout out to the interweb if anybody knew this woman or had pictures of her insanely fascinating tattoo. Sure, being God I could have figured this out on My own, but I love watching you guys show your work… like your Jr. High math teacher. Next thing I know, I get an email from the Mike Mills Chest tattoo lady! She was kind enough to let Me interview her and post some of her pics up on the blog. Enjoy.

Jesus Question 1: The question everyone is dying to know, why a Mike Mills tattoo?

Mizz Mills: Because my friends always said I wear my love of Mike like a medal of honor. So the tattoo is my medal.

Jesus Question 2: Now, is there a story that goes with it? What year did you get it? Where'd you get it? Was anyone with you? We'd love it if you could paint us a picture of the event.

Mizz Mills: It was in September 1998. Got the tattoo by my home at this place called "Bad Dog Tattoos" on Colonial Ave. here in Orlando. My friend Doreen went with me. I had recently broke up with my boyfriend and the UP cd came out. The more I listened to the songs it made me feel that I have a level of admiriation for the band and Mike. Found a picture of Mike that looked nice and went to the place to have it done. Took over a hour and I don't feel needles it was no pain at all for me. The artist who did the tattoo his name is Mike.

Jesus Question 3: Oh, to be a fly on the wall… have you had a conversation between you and Mike regarding him forever on your chest?

Mizz Mills: Mike and I have never talked about the tattoo. What I do know that when I went to Athens in 1998 some people who knew Mike took photos of the tattoo and gave it to him. And I think it was featured in Flagpole because people knew me from it.

Jesus Question 4: How many times a week do you have to explain to people who Mike Mills is?

Mizz Mills: Ha ha at least 3 or 4 times a day. Most people thought it was John Denver or John Lennon. So far as I know I'm the only R.E.M. fan with a band member tattoo. After I explain who it is it makes people remember me in a odd good way.

Jesus Question 5: What has been the most awkward situation your tattoo has put you in?

Mizz Mills: I think it has made dating hard for some time. Because while guys like women who have tattoos, imagine trying to kiss or being intimate with me and seeing Mike looking up and smiling. Funny but in a way sad.

Jesus Question 6: After the aneurysm incident, were you relived you picked Mike and not Bill and thus have had to explain that you have a tattoo of a farmer in Georgia?

Mizz Mills: Don't get me wrong I do the the whole band and in the begining I did thought Bill was and still is cute. The reason I fell for Mike was in 1981 I saw a picture of Mike (geek phase) and what got me hooked is that his left eye is bigger than his right. Then after that I found out he was a musician and have been his loyal fan since then.

Jesus Question 7: Mike's look changed significantly once Monster hit the airwaves, have you thought about updating the tattoo by adding the new hair and maybe put him in an orange suit?

Mizz Mills: No because I do have the 3 phases of Mike. The tattoo is Green Tour Mike. I have a shirt that I don't wear at shows but sleep with it that was made for me of Mike when he was growing his hair out by Monster Tour time. And last I have a custom air brushed jacket of Mike with blonde hair. The sleeves say on the left " Dreams They Complicate My Life" the right has " Dreams They Compliment My Life". Above Mike's head it has Mike Mills fave fan. All 3 member have signed my jacket so it is my pride and joy as with the tattoo.

Jesus Question 8: Do you categorize your life as pre-Mike Mills Tattoo and post-Mike Mills Tattoo?

Mizz Mills: Yes pre tattoo I was just Francisca, but post tattoo I am know all over as Miz Mills loyal Mike Mills fan.

Jesus Question 9: When was the most joy your tattoo has brought you?

Mizz Mills: Oh that is easy! I have made lots of friends and my tattoo in a way helped a band called Elf Power when their van broke down. And knowing when Mike is playing and as he scan the crowd and sees my tattoo it brings a smile to his face.

Jesus Question 10: Finally, you think I'm the only way to get a ticket to Heaven, and if so, do you think I'll let Mike in?

Mizz Mills: I think that if you was in a mood for a good conversation and music you would let Mike in. While no one is perfect except you of course Mike is a good person and these days we need more good people here on Earth and with you in Heaven. Besides how else will I get my chance to sing with him eh?

Thanks for your time, Mizz Mills. I ABSOLUTLY love that you would get a Mike Mills tattoo! And seeing you at the '99 Atlanta show, then telling other R.E.M . Superfans about it, and then being able to track you down via the internet has just been a surreal blast! You are neato.

For more R.E.M. goodies, make sure to hop over to I Am Fuel, We Are Friends and grab a bootleg from a 2003 show. Worth it for the “So Fast, So Numb” mp3 alone.

I Hear Bloc Party Praying

2007-03-07T14:40:00.000-05:00

Jesus Christ responds to the questions asked by Bloc Party’s Kele Okereke in their song “The Prayer” from their new album Weekend In The City.

Kele, I love the new album. Not quite as strong as the last album, but I’ll take it. One of My favorite new songs is “The Prayer”. In this song, you ask Me a few questions and I thought I’d take the time to answer your questions in type.

First of all, as soon as your prayer starts, you go straight to the “gimmie, gimmie!”, which is cool and all, I just kinda wish we could talk about how our relationship was going and what you thought of Me before we hit your grocery list, but it’s cool.

Regarding the first verse, which is as follows:

“Lord, give me grace and dancing feet
and the power to impress.
Lord give me grace and dancing feet.
Let me outshine them all.”

I already gave you grace, dancing feet, and the power to impress. Notice that your album debuted in the US at number 12 on the Billboard charts. You think that was all your doing? No way! People wanna hear your new album because of your past power to impress them with your last album. That gift of creativity comes from Me, and you’re using it quite well. You already have My grace, and you already can shake your thang on stage. I answered this prayer way before you even wrote this down.

In regards to your wanting to “outshine them all”… slow down there, rock star! Maybe set your sights on outshining Idlewild or Maximo Park before you get all Oasis-ie on us. Just keep doing your thing, but some humbleness can go a long way.

And regarding your second verse, which is as follows:

"Is it so wrong to crave recognition?
Second best, runner-up?
Is it so wrong to want rewarding?
To want more than is given to you?
Than is given to you?"

Yeah, it’s pretty wrong to crave recognition, rewards, and wanting more. Granted, it’s not really your fault (which could be argued), but as soon as you entered a world broken with sin, it’s pretty normal to crave things which I didn’t originally intend for you to need. The only person you need to be recognized by is Me, the only reward you will ever need is My dying for you, and therefore you really don’t need anything more than what’s been given to you. It’s alright though. You’re screwed up, and I love you anyway. Keep begging for stuff, and even though you don’t need or deserve it, I might throw it down to you anyway. I’m a sucker for when My children beg Me for toys.

Your song chorus is as follows:

"Tonight, make me unstoppable,
and I will charm, I will slice,
I will dazzle them with my wit.
Tonight, make me unstoppable
and I will charm, I will slice,
I will dazzle, I will outshine them all."

Kele, with Me, you are unstoppable. Through Me, you will indeed charm, slice, and dazzle. Through Me, you will outshine the sun. Great song. I love you. Keep those remixes and b-sides coming!

Open Letter To James Cameron

2007-02-28T13:11:00.000-05:00

James,

I recently heard the news that you found My body. Word on the street is that you and some friends were digging around and found My dead corpse of a body, alongside of My mom and the rest of the gang. You are going to release your findings in a documentary regarding the possible excavation of My body. When hearing this news, a few red flags immediately go up, and I’d like to share them with you.

1. This is what you were doing instead of helming Terminator 3?!!! It’s like you gave away your child to be babysat by the Paul Reiser character from Aliens, not caring that all of America was about to pay homage to your amazing Terminator films by purchasing tickets and watching your series be totally ruined by this lame finale. Thanks. That would be like Sam Raimi giving up the director chair of Spiderman 3 to McG. Or Bryan Singer giving up the director chair of X-Men 3 to Brett Ratner. Wait. You get My point.

2. If My body was really still down there, than that would mean I did not come back to life, thus not being actually the Son of God, but a liar. If I was lying about being God’s kid, then I would have no supernatural power to save your career after you turned in the screenplay for Rambo:First Blood Part II… but I did save your career after your script for Rambo:First Blood Part II. So if I am not the Son of God and using My love for you to propel your successful career, then how in the world did you rebound from that painfully awful script? Sure, the film made tons of money at the box office, but so did True Lies, and we both know there must have been some divine intervention for that one. I mean, look at that cast! Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jamie Lee Curtis, Tom Arnold, Bill “Chet” Paxton, Charlton Heston, and Tia Carrere... if this came out today, you’d be lucky to if it went straight to video. My point… I ain’t dead and you’re welcome.

3. James, it’s clear you are not whole. You are searching for something to make you feel whole and you can not find it. You were searching for Me when you thought you were searching for the body of Me. You thought you found Me, but you only found your possible future… a dried up corpse that nobody remembers. I am down there. You can find Me. But you won’t find Me in a tomb. You’re on wife #5. Love will not make you whole. You know this. You have the biggest film of all time. Success will not make you whole. You know this. This desire to be whole has lead you to become an adventurer. Humorously, these adventures lead you to literally be looking for Me. You are on the right path, just the wrong goal. Don’t look for My body, look for My heart. That is the only truly great adventure left, and that is the only way the mighty James Cameron will actually feel accomplished. To quote The Abyss, “you have to look with better eyes.”

James, I love you. I love your movies. I’m so excited to hear you’re directing again. Keep looking for Me, and one day we will meet. I’m knocking on a door that I know you are hearing. Unfortunately, you opened the wrong door and rushed in videotaping. Put down the camera and try door #2.

I love you,
The King of the World

What I've Learned

2007-02-23T11:35:00.000-05:00

Jesus Christ loves reading Esquire Magazine. I have a subscription to a humorous amount of magazines, and Esquire is the one I usually get the most excited for. One thing they do that I love is the “What I’ve Learned” section, where they ask mostly cool old people who are dying to list what they’ve learned. They’ve never asked Me to contribute, so I made a list for you to read on My holy blog. Enjoy.

What I’ve Learned
By Jesus Christ

God made your world and religious people will destroy it.
Nobody will believe you if you tell them you’re going to get killed but then come back to life.
Gatorade A.M. is basically just normal Gatorade with an annoying marketing strategy.
Nobody likes an unexplained parable.
Even if you have the ability to instantly restore sight to the blind by praying for it, the crowd really gets a kick out of you spitting in some dirt and rubbing it on the blind eye first.
If you don’t consider yourself a leader, My Dad thinks you’d be great at it.
Atheists better pray to God they’re right.
Every day, people choose not to see Me.
Television doesn’t get much better than the second season of Buffy.
Nobody wants to wash your feet.
If you were just badly beaten and dying, you will not find drinking vinegar refreshing.
If you are trying to nail a person up on a piece of wood, nails through the wrist hold better than through the palm.
Most people don’t trust Me.
People hate to hear the truth. Weezer is underrated and Sonic Youth is overrated.
People who practice what I preach tend to anger religious people.
If a party is turning lame, bring out the good stuff.
I don’t need you to do anything. The story isn’t about you.
Belief that I am who I say I am rarely comes through debate.
My Dad is to redemption as Kurt Busiek is to Superman.
No matter how many different ways I tell you I love you, if you don’t deal with your sin then you won’t believe Me.

I Bear The Scars

2007-02-05T15:16:00.000-05:00

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only two inches taller. ~Steven Wright

I’ve never been a big fan of tattoos. It’s even mentioned in My biography. So, I always get a kick out of the fact that Me or a some image symbolizing Me are the most common things tattooed on a human body. Either people haven’t read My book, or they think that it’s okay because they are advertising for Me… like I “need” marketing.

I’m also not too big a fan of people worshiping pretty much anything that isn’t Me. I get a little jealous about that kind of stuff. I know that music can be powerful and fulfilling, but there is a fine line that is easy to cross when it comes to loving a band and worshiping a band… or even more awkward, loving the image of what you think the band represents. Oh, you cute little image based society!

That being said, I am a big fan of you. I love you very much, and if you seem fit to go against My better judgment and ink yourself all up, I’ll still love you if you ask. While bouncing around on the net, I found some pictures of tattoos that seem to highlight that struggle I was talking about regarding walking that fine line between loving a band vs. worshipping a band. You think any of these go above and beyond the call of music enjoyment? I sure hate to think that, for some of you, Jeff Mangum is your Baal. And as far as false idols go, I guess you could do a lot worse, but I don’t count the degree of the blunder, just the fact that you blundered at all. Anyway, I love you, Mangum tattoo or not. Enjoy these fascinating tattoos that I spent way too much time searching for… and for the record, DO NOT search for tattoos for the band Hot Hot Heat if you have your Google Search Engine filter turned off. Same goes for New Pornographers. You can try searching for The Pixies, but mostly all you get back are tattoos of pixies and not too many of Black Frances… which kind of sounds like something that would eat pixies, which would be a really cool photoshop idea I might try one day. Rambling, sorry. On to the tattoos…

First up, we have some Neutral Milk Hotel lovin'...

Now how about some Sigur Ros tattoos?

Maybe a Bright Eyes tattoo is more up your alley?

What about some Elliott Smith tattoos?

Or how about the lyrics to Bjork's "Bachelorette" in brail?

How willing are you to show off your love for Ween?

Or Green Day?

How about a Death Cab tattoo?

Or Guided by Voices?

Weezer?

Here's some love for Tom Waits...

Depeche Mode!

Here's a common Chili Pepper tattoo...

And here's a not too common Strokes tattoo...

Not too many Elvis Costello tattoos out there...

But there is a surprising amount of U2 tattoos, including this first one with is the chords for the chorus of "One".

How about a cool Godspeed tattoo?

Or a not quite as cool Hanson one?

How about a tattoo to show your love for the guy who did that amazing Loenard Cohen cover and also recorded one half of a perfect first album?

How cool would you feel with the autographs of the two Johns from They Might Be Giants tattooed on your ankels?

Smashing Pumpkins tattoos are neat!

And Nine Ince Nails tattoos, even neater!

Ramones tattoos are a dime a dozen, but this one stood out.

Not quite as many Radiohead tattoos online as I would have thought. In fact, I found double the amount of Ween tattoos than of the cute little Radiohead bear...

The Pixies!

Okkerville River!??

Next up, we have some Peal Jam tattoos which may or not be on Heather of I Am Fuel We Are Friends Fame. It kind of looks like her, but so did those They Might Be Giants ankles...

Here's a Modest Mouse tattoo...

Muse...

There are a crazy amount of Morrissey/The Smiths tattoos out there...

And finally, saving the best for last... two Counting Crows tattoos that I know can not be real, but are worth posting just to make you smile.

Got any tattoos of a band you like? Then you're unique! I once was at a R.E.M. concert back in 1999 in Atlanta, and I met a woman who had, no lie, a tattoo of R.E.M. bassist Mike Mills above her left breast. I have searched online for a picture of her to no avail. If you know anything about this woman, and maybe have access to an image of her tattoo, PLEASE send it My way. I know that I am the Son of God and I can do anything, so I don't really need your help with this... I just thought it might be fun for you. Happy hunting! I love you. Stay away from tattoos... unless they are of Husker Du. Those tattoos don't really bother Me for some reason. Really, anything from 1980's Minneapolis excluding Prince is pretty cool in My book.

"Jesus Loves Me, Fine" - JMS

2007-02-02T13:29:00.000-05:00

Straight from GoldenFiddle, so it's gotta be true! Michael Stipe, Mike Mills, Peter Buck, and... hold... hold... BILL BERRY were spotted eating lunch together in downtown Athens. R.E.M. is currently back home to record their new album... and they are hanging out with BILL BERRY, which might not mean anything, but IT MIGHT MEAN SOMETHING! Keep prayin'.

I can say that I love R.E.M. and that is NOT a hollow claim. They did write some of My favorite songs, and I'm quoting them today.

Your Brains

2007-02-01T10:33:00.000-05:00

You were fun to make. Your brain is one of My finest creations. With it, you can figure out how to walk on the moon, how to trick your parents into thinking you are too sick for school, and how to enjoy Deerhoof. Look at the stuff your brain can put together...

Open Love Letter To Of Montreal's Kevin Barnes

2007-01-23T19:13:00.000-05:00

“Guess it would be nice to give my heart to a god
but which one which one do I choose?
All the churches fill with losers, psychos, or confused.
I just want to hold the divine in mine.”

- Of Montreal’s Gronlandic Edit

Dear Kevin Barnes,

It would be an honor for you to consider Me in the running for the God To Whom You Might Give Your Heart. I am madly in love with you. Your music is inspiring. I sometimes come to your shows as a human and annoyingly yell “Play ‘You Are An Airplane!’” I understand that there are many options out there which would happily take your heart, however, if you choose Me, I promise to give you life and life to the fullest. I agree that most churches are filled with people who clearly do not seem to be actually following Me, which unfortunately is what the definition of a Christian should be… “Christ follower.” Thus, it would seem that the church is indeed filled with losers, psychos, and the confused. However, not all are that way, and if you seek Me out, I ensure you that there are others like you and there is a church for you that you would be able to truly worship Me without the hindrance of people claiming to follow Me but clearly not putting those “beliefs” into action. I love you Kevin Barnes. Your music means so much to Me and the new album is unbelievable. You've got a gift. Thank you for the music. So, if you kindly could keep Me on your list of possible Gods that might one day guard your heart, I would love the honor… and the Divine wants to hold you, too.

I love you,
Jesus Christ

PS. The hindu god sux! Take that one off your list.
PPS. Some of the angels miss hearing Cherry Peel stuff live.
PPPS. I'm cool with whatever. I go to your shows to dance.

I Was Guided By Voices

2007-01-22T11:18:00.000-05:00

Up here, we like to put together little film montages of your day. We clip together some of your Best Of video, then put it to music, and we all sit around and watch it. Lately, we’ve been adding some Guided By Voices as the soundtrack to these flicks, and surprisingly, lead singer Robert Pollard sounds a lot like Me. So, I brushed off My Guided By Voices vinyls and wrote down all the Bob quotes that I never said, but almost could have. Without further ado, here’s My list of Guided By Voices quotes that sound an awful lot like Yours Truly, Jesus Christ…

Time to say to you, My child,
Your name is Wild.
And if you called Me into change the color,
your name is Wild,
and I’ll be taking you soon now.

Hooray for the day!
I’ll pay the angels to keep you, My child.
You are safer now.
God knows it, too.

- Your Name Is Wild

Let's throw the great party,
today for the rest of our lives.
The fun is just about to get started,
so throw the switch,
It's rock-n-roll time.

- Over the Neptune/Mesh Gear Fox

Of course I'm not complaining,
I'm simply dying.
Yes, I'm waiting.
Got a good love left,
Good Lord willing.

- Some Drilling Implied

I’ll be with you, without you, again.
Turn and run, the angel's calling.
You say when and I say I’m falling.

- Hardcore UFO’s

Man of wisdom, and man of compromise,
man of weak flesh in an armored disguise,
all fall down.

- Echos Myron

Demons are real.
They are standing still

- Demons Are Real

I am a pharmacist.
Prescriptions I will fill you.
Potions, pills, and medicines
to ease your painful lives.

- I Am A Scientist

I’m a human costume
with veins of gold.
I’ll face the punching bag,
do what I’m told.

- Do The Earth

Brothers, do not fret,
the bus will get you there yet
to carry us to the lake.
The club is open.
Yeah, The club is open.
I am breathing, yet I feel no sky.
Things without wings have begun to fly.

Brothers, sisters, all transistors, you know
Father Logic sometimes gets cosmic, you know.

- A Salty Salute

Watch Me jumpstart as the old skin is peeled.
See an opening and bust into the field.
Hidden longings no longer concealed.
Watch Me bulldoze every bulldozer away,
each new obstacle from each old new day.

- Watch Me Jumpstart

The perfect angels
who monitor your intentions,
God keeps his famous children,
be respectable.

- (I Wanna Be a) Dumbcharger

Everything I think about I think about,
everything I talk about I talk about with you.
But you don't know what I go through.
You don't know.
Days, they will turn into nights,
but My valuable hunting knife,
it will not rust through the tears,
and it will not lose its appeal over years.
Come on!

- My Valuable Hunting Knife

It's up to You and Me,
My faithful Sin-Eater,
to give them a glorious lightbath.

- Burning Flag Birthday Suit

You won't see Me turn My back
with My head against My stack,
spitting teeth and breaking open skin.
Official Ironmen, you are free.
Champions officially.

- The Official Ironmen Rally Song

A question to the lunatic-
Does your day seem like night?
Does your world go together?

- To Remake The Young Flyer

I see it as paying the price.
Nobody feels it these days.
Well, I'd like to go and kiss them away.
Well, I'd like to know another way.

- Redmen And Their Wives

And if there's a Hell below,
Kenneth Ray ain't gonna go.

- Expecting Brainchild

My coats are blue,
but My visions are white,
aren't they?

- Superior Sector Janitor X

Push Me now beyond the bounds
of healing hands and thorny crowns,
and all the sadness it implies
I've tasted with My own two eyes.

- Dusted

Hush now seedling,
don't you cry.
Maybe I'll be coming home
quite soon for you,
quite sinful you.

- Jar of Cardinals

This is not reality,
this is just formality.
The cup is only being filled
for a chance to have it spilled.
Flowing, just like the days.
Sailing, just like the days.

- Wondering Boy Poet

God rolls the sun
as He walks down the highway.
I have kissed you, you will leave.
And the friction in the morning,
the friction 'round suppertime
can't hear the revolution.

- Can't hear the revolution

Don't strip off My bark.
I have been stripped of it before.
Yesterday's gone
and tomorrow has so much more in store.
You are a bird,
you're taking off in every way.

So climb up My trunk
and build on your nest.
Come,
and get the sap out if Me.
I am a tree.

- I Am A Tree

Blessed is the way to a man’s heart

- Mag Earwhig!

You leave Me in stitches.
I hear you singing the spiritual getaway,
yearning to hike away
from hurt and spiny things
who use you for their practice
and settlements.
Permanent holy wars dissolve
and crash on the red horizon.

- In Stitches

Now I'm going home.
In the distance, I can see them,
proudly waving flags
to separate and free them.
Dragons Awake!
Forever and ever,
for everyone to see!
Amen.

- Dragons Awake!

An unmarketed product
is shining clear for many years.
The time it takes you to put up,
shut out the fears for many years.

Well, I can give you credit,
suitable and custom tailored,
and if you have any luck
you'll get ahead before you're dead.

- An Unmarked Product

I want to reinvent you now.
Reinvent you nightly.
Reinvite you rightly.
I'll reunite you.

- Skills Like This

I have a positive hot gift.
Want one?
Living the dream
of kings before children.
Come inside,
I'll show you a ticket to sugar pie.
Yeah... a lesson before you die.

- Want One?

With the sinking of the sun,
I've come to greet you.
Clean your hands and go to sleep.
Confess the dreams
of good and bad men all around.
Some are lost
and some have found
the light that passes though Me.

- Glad Girls

The cup is running over.
I am hypnotizing the highway.
I am baptizing mad rivers.
And the rivers run wild,
and the highway is long.
It was so good to see you.
You know that for I tell you.

- Fine To See You

Is it good for you
to ask for assistance
and to ask for it for others, also?
Next time you get sick, you'll know.
You might even see.

- Zap

Sometimes I cry
because you don't love Me no more.
And sometimes I'm dyin',
I'd be lyin' if I tried to ignore
the hurtin' inside
that started when you walked away.

- Sometimes I Cry

Change has got to come
and I'll be the first to admit it.
When pushin' comes to shovin'
I'll be the first one to get it.
Don't you understand anything?
You won't like it at all
when the fire that burns
in the predator's eyes
takes another disguise
with a different face
and it all gets down
to the people in our town.
They don't wanna be found
in the other place.

- The Other Place

So, God bless you.
Continue to speak.

- Father Sgt. Christmas Card

If that ain' enough GBV for you, then please do yourself a favor and check out this unintentionally HILARIOUS Guided By Voices site over at guidedbyvoices.net. I'd pay big bucks for a GBV T-Shirt with some of these images.

I'll Fly Away, Oh Glory

2007-01-17T08:51:00.000-05:00

Daggonit! Here’s something I’ve been working on up here for you guys to do once you’re with Me, and somebody down there has already tried it out. My version will be a little cooler and I’ll let you fly it over the Grand Canyon, but here’s some video of My concept. Pretty impressive if you ask Me. With My version, you won’t need the suit.

and just for fun, here's a hint of a piece of the new song I am working at for when you make your big entrance. Again, this is not the real version, but this has parts that remind Me of what you'll hear right when you walk through the gates... but instead of 1 voice it will be thousands. We've been working on it awhile now.

Jesus Christ And The Films Of 2006

2007-01-08T11:07:00.000-05:00

The Top 10 Films Jesus Christ Loved in 2006

10. The Protector Tony Jaa

In this film, Tony Jaa literally bumps into Jackie Chan in a quick passing of the torch cameo. If that doesn’t say it all, then stick around for the most entertaining single take one shot ever filmed. It feels just like if they turned the Double Dragon video game into a movie if that movie didn’t already exist and was lame. We erase that film from existence up here, but not The Protector, which is showing on repeat in our Kung Fu training gym… with the plot edited out. If you loved the films of a young Jet Li and Jackie Chan, and have a special place in your heart for baby elephants, then this was made for you.

09. Pirates of the Caribbean 2

You saw it. You kinda liked it but was sorta annoyed that it ended with a cliffhanger that felt too much like a blatant push to see part 3. Not Me. I saw it and I loved it just as much as I did the first one, if not even a little bit more. This felt like what a Disney ride always wished it felt like. I made Mr. Depp a little bit different than most men, and it shows in how he runs. Want proof of My resistance, look at this man’s career.

08. The Departed

I loved the original better. Scorsese made this his own kinda like how Lenny Kravitz made “American Woman” his own. It’s just hard to screw up something that is already amazing. This felt like a band I love covering a song I love. That being said, I still loved this film and it’s great to see Scorsese jump out of ring like a raging bull again. This is the kind of film that makes Ben Affleck even more annoyed at Matt Damon’s career.

07. The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada

This is technically a 2005 film, but Jesus has a life and was not able to see this until it came out on DVD. However, I don’t want the fact that I’m busy be the only reason why this amazing film not be on this list. That being said, this film is felt like a Cormac McCarthy novel (not to be confused with a film based on a Cormac McCarthy novel, which this does not fee like). If you know Me, than you’d know that I’ve always been a fan of redemption, and this film has the kind of redemption that is sloppy, snotty, and honest… which might just be My favorite kind.

06. District B 13

Freestyle Parkour – the art of running quickly through an urban obstacle course of rooftops using only your body and the environment to propel yourself. And with it comes the evolution of the action film. Parkour has already began to spring its way into Hollywood with films such as Casino Royal and Breaking And Entering, and seeing how beautiful the action sequences are in District B13, I don’t want it going away anytime too soon. If John Woo’s The Killer is credited with bringing ballet into Action Cinema, than let Luc Besson’s Banlieue 13 bring gymnastics. Yet another film on this list where the plot is merely a stepping stone to bring you the majesty of one of My best creations, the human body.

05. Brick

Cross Casablanca with Heathers and you do not get this movie, but it comes pretty close. Contemporary high school kids talking like Sam Spade, trying to solve a classmate murder mystery sounds pretty hard to pull off, and it is, but amazingly this works. If you enjoyed the contemporary retellings of Shakespeare genre that I believe we are thankfully officially through, this film is worth tracking down, even if it is just to hear high school kids say lines such as “The Ape blows or I clam!” This plot is complex and fast, so pay close attention, and watch it with a paper and pen to write down quotes you will want to add into your own vocabulary. Plus, who knew the kid from Third Rock From The Sun could be so cool? I did because made him. Now, see for yourself.

04. Monster House

The previews looked lame. The story sounded lame. The animation looked boring. This looked like yet another wannabe Pixar film with a lot of money thrown into the animation and celebrity voices, but not much else thrown into the script. However, that is incorrect. This is hands down the most underappreciated animated film since Iron Giant. In the past 15 years, rarely are films made anymore where seem like kids. I Am Sam, anyone? This movie feels like Goonies. It feels like E.T. The script is textbook on how to write a movie for kids about kids that adults will love too. I was dragged to this film and less than a week later I dragged people to this film. Want to be reminded of the best parts of your adventurous childhood? See this film.

03. The Descent

What Jaws did for the ocean, The Descent does for spelunking… if lot’s of people enjoyed caves like people enjoy swimming in the sea. My point is, this movie will freak you out. In a year where horror films are mostly about unique ways to torture, it was refreshing to see one scarier than the rest, and all that was needed was a small crack to climb through. This film is a monster movie that is like a gorier and cheaper half brother to Aliens, but like Jaws, they use their lack of special effects shots to their advantage, and it is what is not seen that truly leaves its mark. Even before the monsters show up, this film has you by the throat and you can feel the claustrophobia no matter how much space is between you and the screen. Genius.

02. Children Of Men

A movie came out this year about My birth. It was totally lame. A film about My own birth almost bored Me to death and the back to live again, it was that pointless. This movie felt more like My birth than that movie did. Next Christmas, if you want to be reminded of My birthday, watch Children Of Men. Simply put, this movie rocked My world. This feels like the perfected smart Science Fiction film Spielberg kept trying to make with films such as Minority Report and AI. The blogs are screamingly loudly for this film to be seen, and rightfully so. This is a great action movie with a soul. It is relevant and it is entertaining. Finally, Clive Owen has a film that shows off why he keeps getting top billing in films, for all those Bogart comparisons he is getting for this role is on the money. Plus, the title is a quote right out of My autobiography. I loved this film.

01. Half Nelson

This film broke My heart. Ripped it up. Jesus wept. The script is flawless. The acting is flawless. The symbolism is flawless. This film is an English Major’s dream come true. Ryan Gosling plays a Jr. High teacher on crack working in an inner city school trying to inspire his students to rise above where they are, and in My humble opinion, it was the best performance I saw this year. The story sounds clichéd, but it throws all that out once a student finds her teacher smoking. This story isn’t tied neatly together in a bow, but is left open and out there for all to see. Unlike Blood Diamonds, where every line is strategically placed to move along character development and storyline, the dialog in Half Nelson is so realistic, at times it feels like a documentary with hidden cameras. This film is hard to watch, and there is a scene near the end that feels like a genuine punch in the face… but for all it puts you through, it is worth it. Watching this might give you a hint of what it is like for us up here looking down on your broken world, hoping you’ll look up.

Movies That Said They Didn’t Know Me Right Before The Rooster Crowed…

05. Serenity

I loved Serenity. Unfortunately, the world did not love Serenity, and that is why it is on My list. I am frustrated that Whedon only made a really fun film, and not the best science fiction film ever. I hold Whedon up to higher standards than most, simply because he is better than most, so when this film was not as good as The Empire Strikes Back, Whedon let Me down. Mal is cooler than Han Solo, but because this film did not warrant enough love to keep the story going, the world will never care. Plus, he played God by killing off some friends of Mine, so maybe I’m just still a bit heart broken and feel betrayed by him. I loved this movie.

04. The Da Vinci Code

This being on this list might seem like I’m sticking My tongue out at it for messing with My history, but I’m not. There are many pieces of great fiction that messes with putting characters into situations that are not necessarily true to history but still make a great story. Elvis is up here and he absolutely LOVES Bubba Ho-Tep. He’s quoting it all the time. Just yesterday, Elvis turned to Me and said, “I think you know what I'm gettin' at Mr. President… we're gonna kill us a mummy.” The problem I had with The Da Vinci Code wasn’t that they thought I had a kid with Mary, it’s that they thought this movie would be good. The novel was kinda fun but mostly a little too pulpy and silly for Me. It read like a bad Indiana Jones story without much danger other than a misunderstood religious albino. However, it’s biggest sin… making Tom Hanks boring.

03. V for Vendetta

It’s not that this movie wasn’t good, because it mostly was, it’s just that it could have been so much cooler. The comic is classic, and hopes were high for this, but at the end of the day it turned out to be just another action movie that was sort of better than average, but will soon be forgotten. This wouldn’t have been so bad if the comic wasn’t so great. The scenes of V conducting like an orchestra his city blowing up or his conversation with a certain statue should have been the most memorable scenes of 2006, but they weren’t. Blame this on the awkwardness of the one hit wonder Wachowski brothers who didn’t direct this but acted like they did.

02. Volver

Didn’t see it. Preview reminded Me of the cross.

01. Last Kiss

A few years ago I made the mistake of watching the Kirsten Dunst “romantic comedy” Wimbledon. That movie was so bad, it became a symbol of everything awful in contemporary cinema. However, I have a new symbol. To call this movie bad is not correct, because is was well acted and directed and there were clearly worse films out there such as that sequel with the cat that eats lasagna. What made this film so wretched was that it preached so matter-of-factly that life ends at monogamy… and it did so as if everyone already knows it. Marriage is death, but because you want a relationship, you are willing to put up with it. I love Zach Braff. I own Garden State. I Tivo Scrubs repeats. I rented Chicken Little but didn’t finish it. It is shocking to Me that he would read this awful script and think it would be a great career move. My guess is he got pretty excited about the idea of a sex scene with an OC girl. Screenwriter Paul Haggis is totally hot or cold. When he is on, like Flags OF Our Fathers and Casino Royal, he is worth his paycheck. But when he is off, like this film and like the 2006 Best Picture Oscar winning film Crash, he leaves Me angry and embarrassed.

And finally, the two posters of 2006 that weren’t made, but should have been…

I'm Famous!

2007-01-08T11:00:00.000-05:00

Look At Me! I made it into print!

(Not counting My Autobiography!)

My little post about the Shins Album Review Drinking Game somehow made its way into the current Janurary 2007 Wired Magazine now on the stands.

Pay $4 and drive somewhere and buy it at a store and drive home and read it, or read it online for free!

The Blasphemy Challenge

2007-01-07T00:29:00.000-05:00

Ok, so now the latest Youtube craze has been people “blaspheming” against My “Holy Spirit”. Have you seen this? Get a camera. Film yourself “blaspheming” against Me. Upload video onto Youtube. Now you’re part of the “Blasphemy Challenge” that is sweeping the nation! Kinda like what your Grandparents did with The Bop and the Twist, but with blasphemy. If you’ve yet to check this “Blasphemy Challenge” out, it is fascinating stuff.

Here’s an exact quote of something I said once… “I tell you the truth, all the sins and blasphemies of men will be forgiven them. But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin."

So, there are some people take this quote to mean “if you are a brave atheist, say you reject the Holy Spirit on film… but make sure you have thought about this because IT CAN NEVER BE TAKEN BACK!”

Which is cute and all, but that ain’t how I roll. You want to break My heart, no problem. Done. You don’t need to upload a video to do it. You did it years ago when your mom told you not to put that toy in your mouth but you did it anyway. You’ve been sinning since birth, and I’m sorry to tell you this, but just saying “I reject the Holy Spirit” is just another one of those sins. No difference. Your “blasphemy challenge” video would be just as sad to Me if you uploaded a video onto Youtube that said “I did not honor my mother and father when I was two because they told me not to put that toy in my mouth but I did”.

So, what about it being all unforgivable and stuff? All of your sins I will wash away if you ask… unless you don’t ask. If you don’t ask, you then are rejecting Me. You are rejecting the Holy Spirit. You are blaspheming against it. The only way you are getting up here is if you and I are friends. They ask at the door. Tell them you know Me. That is the only way in. That’s it. There is no other way. It is not what you did or didn’t do. It’s all about who you know. If we are friends, then you’re in… even if you’re one of the hundreds who posted some video of you trying to sound like you can’t tell I love you.

This last clip only made the cut because I'm a Firefly fan. Represent! In regards to his story, I bring life to the full. Holla!

The Best Of Jesus In 2006

2006-12-29T15:27:00.000-05:00

The Bible, for all it’s worth, is a pretty quick read. Steven King puts out a book almost as thick as the Bible just about every other year. Don’t get Me wrong, the Bible is My word, and all of it is ordained by Me, but a lot of good stuff didn’t quite make the cut. So, for everything else… that’s why I keep a blog. It’s been a fun first year keeping up this site for My peeps, and I plan on keeping it up for awhile. So, if you want to know My thoughts on how to live life, check out Matthew 5-7. If you want to know My thoughts on horror movies, then welcome to WWJBlog, where your Creator rants and rambles about all the stuff that didn’t make it into the Bible, and probably never should. Sorry if you think I preach a lot, but that’s kinda what I do… and frankly, you need a little preaching to every now and then.

That being said, you voted, and now here’s your results to The Top 25 Best WWJBlog posts of 2006!

1. Jesus Collects Quotes from 1 Star Amazon User Reviews On Great Albums – Where else can you find negative reviews of albums like Radiohead’s OK Computer and have it compared to INXS?

2. The Baltimore Hooker Incident – Prostitution and worship just don’t mix like I’d hoped.

3. Tapes ‘N Tapes Are Not Understandable – For all the hype that flowed for the song “The Loon”, even the Son Of God had trouble figuring out what in the world they were actually saying over their music. Here’s My attempt to decipher their lyrics.

4. Jesus Christ Interviews Paul Scheer – I love Best Week Ever, and it was an honor to interview My favorite comic from that show.

5. Jesus Rages Against Christian Bumper Stickers – I give you the Great Commission, you give Me bumper stickers with a clean conscience.

6. Jesus Christ Interivews Aziz Ansari – If you don’t know this comedian yet, youtube search him and enjoy.

7. Jesus Christ Rants Against Those Too Cool For Green Day – Jesus has a problem with people who proclaim their love or hate for a band only if it is socially acceptable.

8. Jesus Shows Off His Skills Of Knowing All And, Despite Negative Hype, Predicts That Daniel Craig Will Make An Amazing James Bond – Granted, I might have helped a little bit, but that still counts.

9. Jesus Christ Interviews Clem Snide Front Man Eef Barzelay – Nobody sings sadder songs about Me than Eef.

10. Jesus Christ Writes An Open Letter To Jessica Simpson’s Dad, Joe Simpson – Did I mention former Youth Pastor Joe Simpson?

11. Jesus Christ Interviews J. Tillman – Few things had Me laughing harder than J. Tillman calling Sam Beam Cryin’ and Whine.

12. Jesus Lets You In On How Earth Originally Had An Ocean Hovering In The Sky – True story. Smart people argue about this kinda stuff. Now the argument can be settled. Oh, God had a giant ocean in the sky.

13. Jesus Christ Gushes Love Out To SNL Cast Member Will Forte – This season has made Me cry laughing. Possibly the best SNL cast ever. In a TV season with 2 separate SNL behind the scenes shows, nothing beats the real thing.

14. Jesus Reviews The Other Blogs Awkwardly Named What Would Jesus Blog – Just for the record, I would not blog what they blog. I only would blog what I blog.

15. Jesus Christ Rants Against Rolling Stone Magazine And Blesses Pitchfork – I’ve read every issue of Rolling Stone, and each one makes Me a little sadder. Thank Me for Pitchfork Media! Me bless Pitchfork Media!

16. Jesus Christ Gushes Love Out To “I Am Fuel You Are Friends”, His Favorite MP3 Blog – If you don’t check Heather’s blog twice a day, I think you are odd. I still love you, but you’re odd. She passionately loves music, and wants to share that love with anyone willing to stop by her site. Her site is a gift. Embrace it.

17. Jesus Christ Reviews All The Different Mountain Dew Flavors – It was a slow day up here.

18. Jesus Christ Interviews Damien Jurado – Damien and I are lovers. His music makes Me want to hold off on the Rapture for a few more years, just to hear what he has in store for the world on his next album.

19. Jesus Christ Interviews G4’s Blair Butler – Cute girls who love comic books are like Allan Moore fans who loved the film adaptation of “League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen”… rare. Attack Of The Show rulz!

20. Jesus Christ Interviews “Monster Island” Zombie Novelist David Wellington – His books were the most fun stories I read this year. I’m excited to see where this career goes, and it was an honor to interview him.

21. The Shins “Wincing The Night Away” Album Review Drinking Game – Believe it or not, this post made its way into the January 2007 issue of Wired Magazine, right next to their review of the Shins album where they actually would have to drink if they were playing. Besides the Bible being the all time best seller, now I’m in Wired! I’m famous! Look at Me!

22. Jesus Christ Rants About 12 Foot Tall Sexy Bra Ads In Mall Windows – Few things more freaky than photoshopping My face on lingerie models. No need to thank Me. You’re welcome. I love you.

23. Jesus Christ Rants About Aquaman - This is a true definition of a rant from Jesus. Read carefully, secrets of the world are hidden in this post. Aquaman rulz!

24. Jesus Christ Teaches You How To Make A Mix Tape For Chuck Klosterman – I love Chuck Klosterman, and this is My open love letter to him, for all to see. If you know Chuck Klosterman, give him a hug for Me. Then, with My help, make him a killer mix.

25. Jesus Christ Rants Against Those Who Talk About Their Love For The Film “Volver” – If I had to choose between seeing “Volver” and seeing “The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause”, I’d see “Volver”, no questions asked. But I still wouldn’t be super excited about it.

Isn't There Anyone Who Knows What Christmas Is All About?

2006-12-25T02:13:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday To Me!

2006-12-25T02:04:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year again. Forget Me not! It's not really My birthday today, but you guys are actually pretty close so I’ll count it. Since it’s My special day, I think I’d like to make a speech… A Birthday Sermon On The Blog, if you will. McDonalds all across the world are closed to honor Me, so I think I should be able to throw down a little something something like the good old days. So here we go, happy birthday to Me!

Dear People Who Call America A “Christian Nation”:

God bless the USA! I love America! God bless the Iranians! I love Iran! God bless Namibia! I thought Namibia was pretty hip way before Bradjolimaddixorphans did!

Sure, I might choose sides from time to time, but it has never been America and I’ve never been shy about it. The Jews are number one in My book, but I’ll let anybody in the family if they want in. It is this family that I will bless, not a government who thinks they are good. If you want forgiveness for being broken, if you want to fall in love with Me, if you want to try to hold up your end of a relationship with Me, then welcome to the family and welcome to My holy nation. It’s a great tribe with a planned family reunion that will rawk like none other.

This has everything to do with where I stand in your heart, and nothing to do with where you stand on the ground. You think I bless America? I bless the world! It has nothing to do with what name governments have given to the soil. You really think I stop blessing things once I cross the Rio Grand to Mexico?

And, please don’t tell Me that the USA was founded with Christian values and beliefs. I was there, you weren’t. What part of My Book did the original core American Christian values of slavery and Indian extermination come from? The only “Christian Nation” on Earth are the scattered people in the tribe that are friends with Me, and if the USA has a freedom of religion law, then I doubt all Americans claim Me as their King.

That whole “love your neighbor” thing, I meant thinking more outside the box than just your actual neighbors. Love has no boundaries and it has no country lines. If you think the USA is going to Hell in a handbasket, and it needs Christ now more than ever… you’re right. But, I kind of already told you that would happen and that you’d be fine. Don’t worry about it. I care for birds and I’ll care for you. You work on loving more than just your family and people you work with, and then you’ll catch a hint of the full life that I’ve created you to crave.

So, “God Bless The World” is My hope that you will pray. You are all in that world together, and if you’re loving, you just might make it out alive. You leave the tough love up to Me. If a tribe in a nation needs roughing up, I’ll throw down like I always have. Put down your stones, sinners, for I am in the fray and I am good in battle. Your war is between you and your heart. My birthday advise, from Me to you, is let your heart win. Give up. Drown in love. Come on, it’s My birthday wish, my birthday hope. Permit Me to pour so much love on you that you literally overflow with it. Ask Me. I want to give you that. Talk to Me. I love you. Talk to Me, right now.

And don’t do drugs.

Jesus Christ's Albums Of 2006

2006-12-21T01:14:00.000-05:00

The Son of Man loves music. Just about everything that happens to you on Earth has a soundtrack equivalent that is blaring over you for My Angles and Me guide and protect you. Here is some of the songs we heard playing around your life (and a few we didn't) while we were trying to get your attention. Whenever you are tapping along to a cool song, I am there tapping with you.

21. Page France – Hello, Dear Wind

This album came out in 2005, but I didn’t give it a spin until 2006, which is the only reason it isn’t number 1. Hello, Dear Wind is hands down the best “Possibly Unintentional Christian Worship Album” since Areoplane Over The Sea, and I love this album so much, each of My disciples are getting a copy in their Christmas stockings. If you love both Me and unique indie pop reminiscent of early Of Montreal, this album is a must own. The image of Me coming out of the ground is genius, and this band will become a happy ending indeed.

20. R.E.M. - Best of the IRS Years

A Best Of album of songs recorded over a decade ago belongs on no Best OF list, but I’m God so back off. Plus, nothing sounded better in My stereo all year than this. Stipe is a gift.

19. Tom Waits – Orphans

Yet another album that probably doesn’t deserve to be on this list, considering a lot of it we Tom Waits fans have already owned for years, but having it all together on three discs, with new songs thrown into the mix, make this album totally worth the price tag. His rarities are so good, this almost feels like a Tom Waits Greatest Hits album where he forgot to put on any of his hits, but nobody notices because these songs are so amazing.

18. Griffin House – Homecoming

I know Bono, and you sir, are no Bono… but you could get there one day. This CD is hints at the future glory that could become of this singer/songwriter/nicer version of Ryan Adams/guitar guy. It’s at times oddly produced, but it’s all about the songs, and this guy can write songs. If you have not yet meet Griffin House, no need to thank Me, your welcome.

17. Regina Spektor – Begin To Hope

The “Cool Girls Singing Retro Sounding Cool Songs” renaissance is in full swing, and in My opinion, Regina is at the head of the pack. Who knew that name dropping Guns N Roses would sound so hip?

16. Bruce Springsteen – We Shall Overcome

Who’d guess the best Springsteen album in a decade would be an album of covers? This album is so exciting and alive, it makes Me believe that he still has career defining solo work to come. I loved this so much that I hope this could become a series like Mermaid Ave.

15. Muse – Black Holes And Revelations

Muse laughs back at us with the video for “Knights Of Cydonia”, when we finally realize that Muse knew they were way over the top all along. Their epic sound has always seemed to walk the line between Radiohead and The Darkness, and with this album, that line got even thinner. Luckily, the line wasn’t thin enough to send the band tumbling too deep into the cheesy side of RAWK, but they definitely dragged their feet in it more on this album than any of their previous. The result is thus both glorious and fun, like a contemporary Abba.

14. Cat Power – The Greatest

I believe she’s lived in bars, and this album makes Me want to turn some water into wine and put this on repeat and fall asleep happy. Easily her greatest album (get it?).

13. Damien Jurado – And Now that I'm In Your Shadow

The album title alone breaks My heart, and once I get through the second track, I’m ready to give My life for his all over again. Sadly beautiful.

12. Graham Lindsey – Hell Under The Skullbones

This album sounds like songs heard in a back alley behind Deadwood by some down-on-his-luck romantic who’s about to get shot. If that sounds like your shot of whiskey, this album will make you happy.

11. Johnny Cash – American V

Right in front of Graham Lindsey comes the real deal. Cash’s latest and possibly not last of the American series is the most authentic sounding of the bunch, and although I love hearing him sing U2 and Nine Inch Nails song as much as the next Son of Man, this crop of songs sound more true to the Cash persona than Personal Jesus ever did. The fact that “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” is getting airplay is comedy gold for My angels, and the celeb filled video singing along holds tons of future irony they think is pretty funny, too.

10. I'm From Barcelona – Let Me Introduce My Friends

Like The Polyphonic Spree but without the cult-like tendencies, this album sounds like a cross between pure joy and Weezer. I love joy and I love Weezer, so this album worked wonders for Me this year. That’s right, I love Weezer. Back off Me, you like Phil Collins.

09. Bishop Allen – The Month EP’s

I’ve got only January through October, but if the songs “The Monitor” and “Butterfly Nets” were the only two songs on a Bishop Allen CD, that would still make My top 20.

08. Derek Webb – Mockingbird

Derek Webb is one of the few Christian artists that I feel like are truly chasing after My heart. Lyrically, his album is genius and this should be taught in philosophy classes and seminaries. Although David Bazan is usually given the trophy for making Christians most squirm, this album had My jaw hit the floor more times than anything I’ve listened to since Dylan claimed Me his Savior.

07. Flying Canyon – Self Titled

In a year without Iron And Wine, Flying Canyon fit the bill wonderfully. Sounding like the pretty parts of My Morning Jacket and Neil Young, this Bounty soft album floats like a cloud, which I can totally relate.

06. The Decemberists – The Crane Wife

By now, every blog has told you everything that can be said about this band except one thing… “O Valencia” was on repeat and thus My soundtrack during the rebellion of Nat Turner.

05. Over The Rhine – Snow Angels

You might say I’m bias to put a Christmas album on My list since it is essentially a whole album celebrating My birthday, but you’d be wrong because this album is adorable. No album did I just want to pinch the cheek of like this cute as a button record. Any musician can attempt to cash out and throw together a Christmas album (not you, Aimee Mann, I’m talking to you, Twisted Sister), but few can put together an album almost completely of original Christmas songs and make it sound both fresh and vintage at the same time. This is the best Christmas album I’ve heard in years and it might be good enough to play in months other than December.

04. Josh Ritter – Animal Years

Ritter is a stud. This album is much more complex than hinted at from his previous efforts, and thus he put out a better Dylan album that Dylan did.

03. The Knife – Silent Shout

One of the only albums I heard this year that sounded totally contemporary and original, but without being too difficult to not be catchy. This sounds like how top 40 radio should sound in 5 years. Good luck with that Postal Service album Mr. Gibbard, the bar for Keyboad Pop has been raised.

02. J. Tillman – Minor Works

I know whatever Elliott Smith had, because I put it in him, and whatever Elliott Smith had, J. Tillman has it, too. This album is both soft and raw at the same time, and if you aren’t paying attention, it could crush your soul.

01. Joanna Newsom – Ys

If, right after Snow White ate the poisoned apple, but right before she fell asleep, she recorded an a few songs, it would have sounded like this. For an extra good time, burn this album on CD but place the Tom Waits’ Orphans “Heigh Ho” track between every Newsom track, and then you get the complete psychedelic Disney experience more wild than anything at Wild Kingdom. Nothing was as magical for Me to listen on repeat up here in Heaven than this album as I prepare you guys all a cool place up here. This album was easily the unofficial soundtrack to Heaven for 2006, and all the angels know the words by heart.

6 Albums That Denied Me Three Times

Flaming Lips – At War With The Mystics

This album almost sounded more like Weird Al than “Straight Outta Lynwood” did. After listening to this album, I had to listen to “The Soft Bulletin” again just to remind Myself that this is still a band worth following. “The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song” is just about as difficult to listen to as that Boris Pink album, but not in the difficult way that pays off after repeat listenings, unless the payoff you are after is chasing the enemy out of occupied territory.

Indigo Girls – Despite Our Differences

When the Indigo Girls are on, they are on par with any of the folk greats. This album isn’t that bad, but it just makes so many mistakes that it let's you see how wonderful it could have been. Seriously, if produced differently and given to Conor Oberst to sing, some of these songs could disguise themselves as Bright Eyes tracks. Granted, not all of them. Songs like “I Believe In Love” and “Last Tears” are simply unsalvageable. But when Emily isn’t too sweet and Amy isn’t too bitter, their bittersweet personality mix together to make folk music that is painfully underrated. This isn’t an example of that, but there are just enough hints of it on this that make Me long for another Indigo Girls classic that I know is in them.

The Killers – Sam’s Town

This might seem like an easy target, but I’m one of those people who really thought their last album was amazing and I absolutely loved loved loved the single “When You Were Young”. Unfortunately, the retro Springsteen vibe could only hold water on that one track and the rest of the album drags under its lofty weight.

Thom York – The Eraser

The Thom York solo project that he asked not to be called a solo project, and he had every right to be embarrassed. This sounds like Amnesiac leftover demos that York recorded alone with his keyboard, with plans on sending the demos to the rest of the boys to finish up but never got around to it. My hope is that this was the rest of the bands way of getting some bad experiments out of York’s system so they can focus on the good stuff for their next album.

Nelly Furtado – Loose

Although it was nice to see Furtado with an album that sold, it was sad to see her turn her back on her old playful and unique sound in order to stay on the radio. Can you imagine a Best Of album that has “Promiscuous Girl” following “I’m Like A Bird”?

Damien Rice – 9

This album broke My heart. I was excited when I heard the single “9 Crimes”, and ecstatic once I heard the B-side “The Rat Within The Grain”, which might be the best song in his cannon thus far. But then I heard rumors of a new song on the album actually being called “The Blowers Daughter Part 2” and I was a little on edge. Luckily that song got a name change to “Elephant”, but song titles “Sleep Don’t Weep” and “Me, My Yoke, And I” were not so lucky. Long story short, I loved “O” and this album is so embarrassing it has Me questioning how good “O” really was. The basic problem is that it just isn’t that pretty and it isn’t that fun. He clearly wanted to shake things up a bit, but he shook too hard and it all fell to pieces. Unfortunately, those pieces were released without “The Rat Within The Grain”, but “Elephant, Also Known As The Blower’s Daughter Part 2” still made the cut. This is the only album from 2006 that made James Blunt sound tough.

When They Come

2006-12-14T10:04:00.000-05:00

We all know that Devendra Banhart is essentially this generation’s Charles Manson, and it is simply a matter of time before he kills a lot of people. His music is insanely more terrifying than any “screamo” or “goth-core” band currently hunting the Jr. High market. However, it is often rare that Hollywood agrees with this thought. Usually, if a scene requires scary music, some sort of Rob Zombie-ish shrieking over a wall of guitars does the trick. The movie trailer below steers away from that, however, and thus accomplishes the goal of a truly freaky preview. Like the first Spiderman teaser trailer showing the Twin Towers, the video below will not be easy to find for long, for as soon as Devendra Banhart goes on his inevitable killing spree, this will be pulled and the music will be replaced by the next most terrifying musician working today, Neil Diamond, who also is probably due for a killing spree any day now.

Open Letter To Volver Fans

2006-12-08T15:30:00.000-05:00

Dear people who tell others to see the film Volver,

Cut it out. Even if you loved it, cut it out. I have not seen Volver. I have only heard great things about Volver. I will not go anywhere near Volver. If a film I want to see is playing at a theatre also showing Volver, I will not go and wait to see it on DVD.

For those of you unfamiliar with Volver, it is the new Pedro Almodovar film starring Penelope Cruze currently has a 91% positive review count on Rotten Tomatoes. Ms. Cruze is apparently so good in this role that she has positioned herself as an Oscar contender.

Peter Travers of Rolling Stone says, “You don’t want to miss this one.”

Richard Roeper of Ebert & Roeper says, “It’s very moving, it’s beautifully done.”

Claudia Puig of USA Today says “Volver is suspenseful, clever, gently funny and always emotionally resonant.”

Jesus Christ of the King Of Kings says, “I’d rather watch Pedro Almadovar take a dump than watch another one of his films”.

Very rarely do I like it when people attack a film. Lots of My “followers” picketed Dogma. Some were enraged against The Davinci Code. Some with The Last Temptation Of Christ. I understand why they might get frustrated with those films. They portray Me in an uncomfortable light, and they are trying to protect Me. It’s cute. I don’t really think I need much protecting, and it might paint people who say they like Me unattractively, but it’s still kinda cute. But when films that truly deserve raging against the machine come out, most of you stay quiet, and that really gets to Me.

So, should people be upset about Volver?

YES!
Should people spread the word and tell others not to support such a film?

YES!
Is it sacrilegious and in poor taste?

I HAVE NO IDEA!
Why then, should it be attacked?

BECAUSE IT LOOKS AWFUL!
That means you haven’t seen it?

NO WAY WILL I SEE IT!
But the reviews have been through the roof?

I DON’T CARE!
Why not?

JUST THE PREVIEW ALONE WAS BORING!
A bad preview doesn’t necessarily mean a bad film, and you usually side with the majority of critics on your film tastes, yet you won’t even give this a shot?

NO WAY!
Why not?

BECAUSE I’VE SEEN OTHER PEDRO ALMADOVAR FILMS AND I NEVER WILL AGAIN!
What, a lot of them are great! Are you nuts?

GET BEHIND ME SATAN!
What about Women On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown?

AGHHH!
What about Talk To Her?

AGHHH!

Here’s what you are really saying if you tell friends and family to see Volver:

“We really don’t know each other too well.”
or
“I don’t really think you’d like this film at all, but I’d like you to associate me with pretentious films rather than Happy Feet, although you’d probably enjoy that film more, because I sure did.”
or
“I justify staring lustfully at Penelope Cruze’s cleavage for two hours by calling it art”
or
“I endure the taste of tofu.”

The preview alone is boring. Again, the preview is boring. Once more, the preview is boring. When I say things three times, I mean it people. This film looks painful! “Volver” is Spanish meaning “to return”, and if I ever saw this film, I’m sure I’d want “to return” the earth around a few on its axis ala Donner’s Superman and stop Myself from entering the theatre. See what I just did there? That’s a pun using the film title. Classic film criticism technique. Learn it. This film looks just terrible. I have sat through way too many Almadovar films due to wonderful reviews like many of the above, and I will not be making the same mistake again. Seriously, I’d rather see The Holiday than Volver. Wait, no I wouldn’t, but I’d rather watch lions tear Daniel apart than sit through Volver. I’d rather watch Moses say “Let my people go!” only the be promply arrested and beheaded than sit through Volver. I’d rather start re-creating all the insects by scratch than sit through Volver. I’d rather… you get the point, I have no desire to see this terrible looking film. What are the show times for Inland Empire?

Yes, I Can Hear You When You Call

2006-12-04T10:54:00.000-05:00

Some of you are clearly chasing after My heart. I like it. It’s cute. Here are a few helpful pointers, if you really want to win Me over.

1. Love Me.
2. Love others.
3. Put Spiritualized songs on mixes.

When you love Me, it shows you care. When you love others, it shows you are willing to honor Me. When you put Spiritualized songs on mixes, it shows you have a heart for beautifully broken music.

Spiritualized has recorded a few of the best albums ever that deal with the difficulties of finding Me in a world so full of sin. I love Spiritualized with My whole heart, and their past two albums sound more genuine than most music on “Christian” radio. He seems to struggle with both loving Me and loving heroin, and that struggle always makes for fascinating music from a tortured soul. If you do not know much about Spiritualized, do yourself a favor and track down the epic album “Let It Come Down” or “Amazing Grace”. Truly glorious stuff, hallelujah!

Jason Spaceman of Spiritualized has been touring with a string of acoustic shows, complete with a string quartet, and backup gospel singers. The below bootleg is from the Edinburgh stop of this tour. It’s beautiful and I hope you enjoy. God bless J. Spaceman, and a special blessing for Tea With Tufty, who originally uploaded this show.

Spiritualized, Acoustic With String Quartet And Gospel Singers
Edinburgh 11-25-2006

01. Sitting On Fire.mp3
02. Devil Town + Lord Let It Rain.mp3
03. True Love Will Find You In The End.mp3
04. Straight And The Narrow.mp3
05. Cool Waves.mp3
06. Hold On.mp3
07. Amen.mp3
08. Soul On Fire.mp3
09. Walking With Jesus.mp3
10. Going Down Slow.mp3
11. So Hot.mp3
12. Stop Your Crying.mp3
13. Anything More + Ladies And Gents.mp3
14. Lay It Down Slow.mp3
15.Baby I’m Just A Fool.mp3
16.Goodnight Goodnight + Funeral Home.mp3
17. Lord Can You Hear Me.mp3

18. Oh Happy Day.mp3

UPDATE These links don't work. EZArchive has denied Me 3 times, the cock has crowed, and now they are in shock with the realization of what they have done. I need a new way to post mp3s, for EZArchive has turned against Me. Anybody out there got any advice for the Son of Man in regards to more trustworthy file hosting than my old friend that no longer supports Me?

Key Of Life

2006-11-26T16:04:00.000-05:00

God Is Love.

Love Is Blind.

Stevie Wonder Is Blind.

Uh Oh.

Jesus Jones Soda

2006-11-21T13:59:00.000-05:00

I love Thanksgiving. Way back in the day, lots of pilgrims died and food was difficult to come by. A second evil winter was about the rear its ugly head, and the gang decide instead of whining about it, they threw Me a party. That first Thanksgiving just honored Me so much, and honestly a lot of America has them to thanks when it comes to My loving your nation. With Thanksgiving here again, I wanted to take time to give your American great great grandmothers and grandfathers a shout out, and what better way to do that then by drinking 2 cases of Jones Soda’s Dinner Holiday Packs. I have a pack from this year and a pack from last year, and for fun, I’d like to share My thoughts with you as I take a big gulp of each flavor. Happy Thanksgiving. Forget Me not.

First up, TURKEY & GRAVY SODA, which I’m already a little nervous to try. It looks like watered down gravy. It kinda smells like watered down gravy. I am not nearly as excited about this as I was when I bought the box at Target. I’m sure it can’t be too bad. I pretty much love every flavor of Jones Soda I’ve tried. OUCH! First thoughts, it tasted like stale apple cider, with a hint of caramel. The flavor was surprisingly light, but not something I would ever want to taste again. Let’s see if they get any better.

Next, SWEET POTATO SODA. Now, the problem here is that I am not really a big fan of sweet potatoes to begin with, so the idea of it being a soda is not exciting at all… especially with the taste of “turkey” still in My mouth. Stalling, I’ve decided to give you a quick review of the smell of it… not too bad. Smells like cinnamon. Here goes the taste. Not bad! Again, it has a hint of caramel, but this also tastes more like a cola. I could finish this one. Although it’s color is a burnt orange, I think it tastes like a light brown. Does that make sense? Either way, I feel like this is what a Coke would taste like if you added a shot of caramel grenadine into it. I am now not as nervous to keep trying these sodas.

Ok, next up, we have DINNER ROLL SODA, which looks like a bottle of vinegar. This one sounds pretty safe to Me, so lets get this one out of the way. Smells like Sprite. Here goes… GROSS! Ok, that was the initial reaction, but as the flavor slows down, it’s not quite as rough. It tastes exactly like a Jelly Belly Popcorn jelly bean. Whatever the fake flavor for butter is, that is what this tasted like. The flavor immediately made Me think of a popcorn smelly sticker from the 80’s. Not vomit inducing, and I think I’d be able to finish the bottle.

Next up, we got PEA SODA, which is absolutely terrifying. The color is exactly what it should look like, as if peas were blended up and thrown in with a little water. Smell test – dirty shoe… this is not looking good. Ok, to the lips… woah… not peas! What was that?! Not really super gross, but definitely not the taste of peas. I think I’m going in for another swig. Ok, this one is more odd than bad, but it is still mostly bad. The flavor is like something went really bad to your Ginger Ale, almost like it became stale and flat, yet somehow it kept it’s carbonation. This is sounds worse that it was, but I still have no desire to ever taste that again.

The last of this box set is ANTACID FLAVORED SODA, which is a light pink and reminds Me of chewable baby aspirin, which is a flavor I don’t mind, so I’m going into this one with positive expectations. Smell test – wow, smells just like Pepto Bismol! Suddenly I am not nearly as excited to try this one. Let’s do this… agh! That made Me shake My head all around! Mix Pepto and Spite and you get an idea of what I just tasted. This one is funny gross, and I think this one tastes the closest to the target. Still nothing I’d want to try again, but I’d sure love to watch others sip at it.

Alright, on to Jones Soda Dinner Pack 2005. This one also starts out with a TURKEY & GRAVY SODA, which I am none too excited about other than I can gauge if this whole box has gone stale or not by comparing this nasty soda to the same flavored nasty soda of the first pack. Same color, same smell, but same taste? Here goes… so gross! No fun. That swig makes Me want to cut this out. What’s next?

Alright, now we have WILE HERB STUFFING SODA, which is the soda I have been looking forward to least. I only really enjoy stuffing if I can eat it with a bite of turkey, and the idea of just eating stuffing alone sounds unenjoyable to Me, which makes the thought of a Stuffing Soda sound pretty awful. It looks like lemonade, but I know this will is going to be liquid pain. Ok, I’m stalling. Smell test, smells like Smarties, which is much more exciting to Me than it probably should be. Bottles up, and… ocean water! Worst one! Worst one! OW! I have NO IDEA what that just was, but that was not the taste of herb stuffing! It’s like you mixed salt water, carbonated water, and vinegar together and called it herb stuffing. So gross. Now I’m a little angry. Let’s hope the next flavor is some sort of apple side dish.

No good. Next up is BRUSSELS SPROUT SODA. I checked to see what the bottles were after this one, and they look like much happier options. If I can get past this one, I am home free. It looks like lime soda, and I’m trying to hurry so I can wash that herb crap off of My pallet. Smells like butter, oh no. No time to waste, to the lips… NO!!!! So much butter! It’s like I just drank a gulp of butter! Sick! Green bean butter! That was really rich! I’m starting to feel sick. Next.

CRANBERRY SODA, thank Me! The color is a dark red. Smells like cranberry juice. Tastes like… cranberry soda! Thank, Me! I want to finish this one right now. But I’ll try the last bottle and if I need to, I’ll come back to this one. So far, this is the only one I’d actually buy and drink as if it were a normal soda.

Finally, the last bottle… PUMPKIN PIE SODA. I’m sure this one will be fine. It’s a little more orange than I would like it to look, but it still looks fine. Smells like a spicy candle, and tastes like… sugary watered down Coke. Not good. I have no clue why they thought this would taste like pumpkin, but it doesn’t at all. Definitely not good! I’m off to the cranberry soda again, not that I want more soda as much as I really need this taste out of My mouth. Honestly, the cranberry doesn’t even taste that good right now, but maybe I just really messed up My taste buds and they need a break.

Woody and Billy

2006-11-18T12:32:00.000-05:00

I just got an email pointing Me to this fun Youtube link. Billy Graham being interviewed by Woody Allen. Two fun people with clearly different takes on who I am. Interesting. The video is in 2 parts.

St. Peter The Comic Loves Arthur Curry

2006-11-14T00:25:00.000-05:00

I’ll tell you what, there are few people funnier than My man Peter. There are lots of different things people usually call Peter before they call him “Pure Comedy”, but he sure was. For example, he used to fish nude. Might not sound too funny to you, but the rest of us would just cry laughing at him jumping around the boat, pulling up nets of fish, wearing nothing but what My Daddy gave him. Once, there was the lady who has super bad menstrual problems for like 12 years, and she hunted Me down thinking that if she touched Me, then maybe her situation would heal up. So, when she finds Me, we all happen to be in this huge crowd of people and she sneaks up and touches the bottom of shirt. Of course, she’s instantly healed, but I decide to call her out on it, so I jump around and start yelling “who touched Me?!”, with the hope that she will fess up and we can have pleasant conversation about her being better. But Peter, he doesn’t know that I know somebody just got healed by touching Me, and we are all totally surrounded by tons of people, so when he sees Me all of the sudden freaking out screaming that somebody just touched Me while we are so close to so many people that it would seem pretty obvious that lots of people have probably just touched Me… Peter starts freaking out and being all PR-like and saying “Whoa, Jesus, calm down. Lot’s of people touched you.” But I know that this lady knows what she did and I want her to fess up, so I keep screaming “Who touched Me?!”, which is clearly totally embarrassing Peter to the point of shock. He starts literally grabbing onto Me, trying to calm Me down like he thought I was about to start punching people, when all of the sudden this lady was all like “It was me. Sorry I touched you. I’ve been sick. Now I’m better” etcetera, etcetera. Peter then stares at her than back at Me like this is crazier than the whole fish and bread incident, which makes Me laugh and him just smile at Me while his eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head. Anyway, the funny part is that, later that night, Peter reenacted this whole scene, playing the parts of himself, Me, and the random sick woman. He did this whole routine by the fire for the rest of the guys, and I swear it was one of the funniest chunks of comedy your world has ever seen. He would do all our voices and his version of how this lady talked was not only spot on, but it was this weird cackle that was comedy gold. And when he would do the “Who touched Me?!” part, seriously we could not stop laughing. All of us were just balled up in little convulsing heaps by the fire, crying ‘til it hurt so bad. He totally embellished Me, of course, but that is what made it just out of this world. Peter had a gift. Anyway, Peter was really into fishing and to kill time on the boat, I would sometimes tell him stories about Aquaman. Because I know everything, I’ve always been able to pull stuff from the future and talk about it before it actually happens. I used to do this all the time regarding My whole dying but them coming back situation. How about that little “pick up your cross and follow Me” bit, huh? The foreshadowing is funny now, once the disciples realized I did have to pick up My cross. So, I would tell them stories from the future sometimes without telling them they were necessarily stories from the future, and I would always talk to Peter about Aquaman. The idea of a guy who could talk to fish was a pretty cool idea to Peter, and he would always want to hear another story about him. His favorite was the story about how Aquaman lost his hand and had to replace it with a hook, but I added a bit of Star Wars into it as well so that his hand was actually taken off by his father. You had to be there but it made for a good parable at the time.

Anyway, somebody emailed Me a link to this little McSweeneys essay written from the point of view of if Aquaman addressed people regarding his current not so great image in 21century pop culture. This instantly reminded Me of Peter. Not only did Peter love Aquaman, but when I first starting hanging out with him, his humor definitely leaned on the more raunchy side. So, if reading a short essay from a ranting and cussing Aquaman sounds like a good time to you, be sure to check out this bit of creative fun over at McSweeneys. I’m actually seeing Peter later today, so I’ll show this to him, too. He’s not quite as racy as he was, but he still enjoys Aquaman (although he thinks that the current run with Kurt Busiek is pretty lame). I’m starting to ramble now, so I’ll sign off. Fun to reminisce though, and if you ever are out fishing with some friends and things are starting to get a little dull, take off your clothes. Trust Me, that joke is a classic.

While writing this, I've been blaring the classic Goblin 70's Italian prog rock song "Aquaman" over Heaven's loud speakers. Killer song. Enjoy it. If you don't know much about Goblin, check this song out. It's from the classic 70's album "Roller", which is worth buying even though it can be pricey.

Goblin - Aquaman.mp3

And now, via Youtube, one of the more odd things I've seen in awhile. Below is a cartoon of Aquaman hosting a bad talk show somewhere in Latin America. If you enjoy, be sure to track down part two of the same episode.

Why’d It Have To Be Snakes?

2006-11-08T16:17:00.000-05:00

Ok, just to get this on the record, I, Jesus Christ, officially say… quit doing this. Feel free to go ahead and make that official scripture. Just tag that onto the end of the beatitudes or something.

Providence Vs. Petition Vs. The Death Of Jason Todd

2006-11-07T21:06:00.000-05:00

Time to get all "Dear Abby" on you guys. I want to say something to an anonymous commenter I received on an earlier post. Two separate topics that had questions were brought up, and the first comment was as follows:

"What is the relationship between providence and petitionary prayer? I mean, if you are unchanging, then how do our prayers change you?"

My anonymously Beloved, your world and your life are a lot like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, but where the finale is set in stone. Feel free to follow your own path through your book or feel free to attempt to follow a path where I might be leaving you bread crumbs. One path is not necessarily easier than the other, but if you follow the one which you think I’m leading… well, that shows Me that you care about Me and I really love it when you show Me that you and I are in a relationship. I’m unchanging, but you aren’t. You keep begging Me for stuff that I don’t think you should get, I might just throw your way just because your constant nagging is kinda cute and I love you. Granted, it might not go too well once you get it, but if My kid wants some bubblegum, it’s hard to say no sometimes. However, none of this affects My big plan. There are millions of routes which people can follow, but no matter what happens to you or the world, they all lead back to Me. And don’t forget, the main character in your Choose Your Own Adventure story isn’t you.

The second question the anonymous person left as a comment is as follows:

"I have a situation I could use a little advice on. In my church there was a lady who has a son that was terminally ill. He had cancer. She and the church prayed for him and he was in fact healed. The doctors don't know what to think. Perhaps you saw it in the press. That is if you read the Durham press. Anyway, the thing is there is another family in my church who had a son with a different cancer that died a few weeks ago. What should I tell the parents of the son who died about you? Why heal one and let another die? It just doesn’t make much sense to me. I know you have a plan, but what about the parents whose son died. What do I say??"

First of all, try to steer clear from saying anything other than “sorry”. You don’t need to say anything profound to them, so don’t try to. They need to be loved, and you can do that by honoring how they like to be cared for. Your love is seen in your actions, not just through words. As to the “why?”, well, that’s just how I roll. There’s sin in the world and it will affect everyone down there. Some will be affected different than others. As to why heal one vs. why not the other… it’ll make more sense to you when you get up here and I can show you the big picture. Butterfly wings can indeed eventually cause hurricanes, and the orchestration of humanity is part Miles Davis and part Devine Intervention. Bad things happen to good people who I love and will continue to happen to good people who I love until your world is done and gone. Blame a fruit, but then move past it and just know that I know what I’m doing up here and that it will all make sense to you soon enough. In the meantime, love Me and love your neighbor, and it’ll all work out. I am madly in love with both of those families, and seeing them struggling is hard. But the problem isn’t sickness, healings, or death. Those are just symptoms to a problem that I’ve already cured, it sometimes just takes a bit of time and faith before the miracle drug works its magic.

This answer too sappy for you? I originally wanted to answer this by comparing your story to how DC decided to let the fans decide if Robin #2 should get the axe or not via pay toll phone voting and then making some sort of joke as to how I do the same thing with angels voting to see who gets cancer or not. As you can see, this joke might not seem be too fitting for your question, so I decided against it. Do not, however, think that this idea was indeed too much. I, being the Son of Man, have a perfect sense of humor and thus could knock you dead simply by telling you a joke that is simply so hilarious that the amount of laughter you exude would cause your heart to explode… not that I would do that (but I could, so watch out). So, if you don’t think this would have been a witty response to the above question, that is simply because Earthly sin has shaken up your since of true comic genius. Other proof of this can be seen in the success of Larry The Cable Guy and Mad TV. Seriously though, wiki-search Job.

Got a question for the Son of Man? Drop Me and line and maybe I’ll answer it via My holy blog… or maybe I’ll answer it some other way, you never really can tell with Me. I’m sneaky.

How To Make A Mix Tape For Chuck Klosterman

2006-11-01T10:58:00.000-05:00

Let’s say that pop culture essayist Chuck Klosterman just bought a 1986 Oldsmobile. Chuck Klosterman decides he wants to keep the original radio and tape deck instead of putting in something updated. Let’s also say that Chuck Klosterman hates iPods and decides he would rather listen to cassette tapes than mp3s through the radio.

Now let’s say that you and Chuck Klosterman are friends. One night while you, Chuck Klosterman, and some other friends are hanging out, Chuck Klosterman asks each of you to make him a mix tape. You, music snob that you are, want to make Chuck Klosterman the best mix tape of all the tapes he is about to get. Your hope is that, of all the different tapes his friends make him, your mix tape is the one Chuck Klosterman most often wants to play while driving to some rocker’s suicide location or wherever else Chuck likes to drive, and later congratulates you for making him such an amazing mix tape.

So, how do you make a successful mix tape for Chuck Klosterman? After all, this guy most definitely knows more about music than you, and just making a mix of 80’s power ballads might seem cute, but you know you need to do better than that in order to capture the attention of Chuck Klosterman. So, what do you do? Luckily, I am God’s kid, and therefore know everything, and I’ve decided to help you out. So, if you are indeed friends with Chuck Klosterman and he does one day ask you for a mix tape… this is what you need to do in order to make Chuck Klosterman an amazing mix tape.

Track 1: Start Chuck Klosterman out with an attention grabber that becomes a light reoccurring theme

Some might think it would be best to start with something mellow and simple first, then move into something a little louder. They would be wrong. This is Chuck Klosterman you are making a mix for, not some random person you want to make out with. Your mix might only get one chance in his Oldsmobile tape deck, so you need to make these first few minutes count. This intro needs to be something he will want to rewind and listen to again. This intro needs to be something that, when Chuck Klosterman has a friend in his car, he will say to that friend, “I’ve got something on a mix tape that you have got to hear, fuck” (not Jesus cussing, that would be Jesus quoting Chuck Klosterman cussing. Jesus thinks cussing is a sin and Jesus doesn’t sin. Chuck Klosterman is a sinner and by habit, cusses often. Jesus does kinda hold this against him, but only because it’s a sin and Jesus considers sin to be something pretty serious, however not too serious that the death of Jesus doesn’t take care of it, so if Chuck Klosterman asks Me for forgiveness, I’ll hook him up. So back off him and think about your own sins you need forgiven from, sinner). The best example for an intro would be a fun and wild quote or sound byte that Chuck Klosterman would find amusing. If you know how to turn streaming video into mp3 and then format that to cassette, you could lead the tape off with some sound bytes that you cut and pasted together from a Chuck Klosterman interview with Bill Maher found on any of Chuck Klosterman’s book pages on Amazon.com. The interview is awkward and many of the quotes would sound entertaining if taken out of context. You could then intersperse a few of these random quotes throughout the mix tape, making sure the best quote is used to intro the mix tape and the others are interspersed lightly in-between every 5 songs. Another option that would require less work would be to make a Sasquatch themed mix tape, starting with a possible Sasquatch sighting 911 call and then interspersing short audio clippings of possible Sasquatch howls… all of which are easily retrievable by searching “Sasquatch howls and 911 call mp3s” in Google.

Track 2: Hit Chuck Klosterman with a great rock song he might not already know.

This is difficult to do. Chuck Klosterman clearly loves music and spends much of his day thinking and talking about music, so coming up with something he doesn’t know will be difficult. But I never said this mix tape for Chuck Klosterman would be easy. Your best hope here is to try to beat him to the punch. This is where your music blog surfing skills will come into play. Chuck Klosterman simply doesn’t have the time to listen to every single rock and roll song that some random blog thinks is the next Pixies meets Pavement dashed with some Wilco to give it that Americana but still rockin’ feel. This is where you can swoop in and make your move. The blogs started bragging about Gnarles Barkley in December of 2005, and it didn’t start getting heavy radio play until 6 months later. So, you need to troll through the blogs looking for the next Tapes ‘n Tapes via last February and not Tapes n’ Tapes via now. You need a great song by a band only 3 other people in America know about, and you need to make sure this mix gets into his hands before this band has the number 3 most downloaded track on Hype Machine. This song has to be more than just fresh sounding, this song has to be ripe sounding... like so ripe that Rolling Stone labels them a “Band To Watch” in their March 2008 issue. Again, this will be very difficult and few are up to the task of downloading so many mp3s and rummaging through them like a comic geek at a flea market. This song is out there, and if you have the time and courage, you can find it. Only then will Chuck Klosterman enjoy your mix enough to praise it.

Track 3: Hit Chuck Klosterman with a great rock song he might have heard from a band he might know, but hopefully overlooked

This is also quite difficult. Here is where you delve into the back catalog of a band and try to find an overlooked nugget of gold. Perhaps from a B-side, a movie soundtrack throwaway, or an odd “Peace in the Middle East” fundraising compilation… or maybe it’s a song that was on a hugely successful album seemed overshadowed by the rest of the album, this song has to shock Chuck Klosterman in a way that makes him surprised he didn’t know how great this random song is. Even riskier, but with possibly greater pay back, you can attempt to put a song on that Chuck Klosterman might have overlooked by a band he has never really loved. A perfect example would be older R.E.M. Everyone already has an opinion on R.E.M. and Chuck Klosterman is no different, but one is less likely to fast forward a mix tape as it is to skip with a mix CD, so if R.E.M. was on his mix tape, he might give this one song by them one more chance, so make sure to choose wisely. I would suggest a rockier non-single number of theirs from the IRS years, such as “Just A Touch” off of Lifes Rich Pageant or “Life And How To Live It” from Fables Of the Reconstruction. Stay away from bands that are too popular with music snobs, such as Radiohead or Beck, but don’t dig too deep and put on a song from Neutral Milk Hotel that isn’t on Areoplane or Avery Island. I don’t care how great you think “Little Birds” is, it is not worthy of Chuck Klosterman’s time. Finding the right song here is scary, but follow your heart and take a risk… and if you choose wisely, you will still have the attention of Chuck Klosterman.

Track 4: Hit Chuck Klosterman with a not too cheesy novelty song

This track is to recover from any damage your last risky attempt to entertain Chuck Klosterman might have made. Although this sounds like a throwaway song, picking the right novelty song that isn’t too cheesy is not nearly as simple as it sounds. For example, nothing by “Weird” Al or anything already deemed novelty by the Dr. Demento type crowd. Again, you have to dig below the surface of novelty in order to entertain Chuck Klosterman. You know that Chuck Klosterman has a deep love for heavy metal, so you also can’t simply throw on some old Twisted Sister and think it’s cute because that is borderline insulting to Chuck Klosterman. Your best bet here would be to foreign language cover of a song that he already knows. For example, “We’re Not Going To Take It” is not a smart move, but “Nosotros No Lo Tomaremos” would be genius. Another option would be finding great 80’s heavy metal from other countries, such as the hugely popular Asian J Rock force known as X Japan. Chuck Klosterman would absolutely fall in love with the song “Rusty Nail” by X Japan. Also, it is fact and possibly scripture that you can never go wrong by putting a Ween song on a mix tape for novelty purposes. If you did not know this, perhaps you shouldn’t be trying to make an amazing mix for Chuck Klosterman.

Track 5: Hit Chuck Klosterman with a beautiful ballad.

Again, this is not nearly as easy as it sounds. You can not simply throw “When The Children Cry” by White Lion on this mix tape and think you’ve scored a ballad hit with Chuck Klosterman. The 80’s ballads are clichéd and by placing and 80’s ballad on a mix tape for Chuck Klosterman is beyond condescending. However, going the complete opposite and finding a rare gem by Kristin Hersh isn’t going to cover it either. This ballad has to be as non-cheesy as possible, especially since it follows a novelty song. You might not consider Kristin Hersh to be cheesy, but this is Chuck Klosterman we are talking about and if he even thinks she is slightly cheesy, that would make this song following that last novelty song simply too much for Chuck Klosterman to take and he will eject your tape and possibly not even finish the whole 90 minute mix tape that you worked so hard to win him over with. This ballad has to ooze not only cool but a fragile beauty that might cause Chuck Klosterman to get emotional. To do this, you have three options. You can go with a ballad hit that you know Chuck Klosterman has already purchased more than once, but hope it is simply so good that he will like it on there anyway. A lesser hyped Rolling Stones or Beatles song could both work. The second option is to go with a ballad he might not know, but should, such as “10:20AM” by Spoon or “The Trapeze Swinger” by Iron And Wine, although that song too is a risk due to its length. The third option which is almost too dangerous to mention would be to pick the perfect ballad from a band Chuck Klosterman most definitely would despise, with the hope that the ballad is so good that it surprises Chuck Klosterman that this song was actually written by the band. This is practically impossible and I only put this on the list to be thorough. For example, if you could find a ballad by Barenaked Ladies or Toad The Wet Sprocket that is so heartbreaking that Chuck Klosterman might actually forgive the song from being performed by the said performer. The bands used in that example do not have actual ballads that would impress Chuck Klosterman, but bands of their caliber would be fascinating to Chuck Klosterman if you could find a ballad that could affect him emotionally.

Track 6 through the end of the mix tape: Repeat the above steps until the 90 minutes are up.

By keeping to the pattern of odd audio to break things up, the cool rock song, the random rock song, the overlooked song, the novelty song, and the ballad, you should be able to entertain Chuck Klosterman with your mix tape, as long as you have the heart, determination, and the gift of picking perfect songs. As Chuck Klosterman would attest, very few have this possibly spiritual gift, and it can be argued that it is not learned but inherited. Many have tried to impress Chuck Klosterman with their music tastes, but few can figure out the Pandora’s box that lies in his rock and roll heart.

Finishing Touches:

You might want to put a personalized finishing touch on the mix tape. Something at the very end of side 2, when all the songs are over. Recording yourself saying a little something directly to Chuck Klosterman would show him that you were in it to win it and you pulled every trick you know in order to keep his attention for 90 minutes. This recorded message from you to Chuck Klosterman should not be too heart felt or serious, just a simple fun shout out, such as “Chuck Klosterman is a Ninja Killa!” or “Hey Chuck Klosterman, Deez Nuts!” This playful ending will make Chuck Klosterman smile, like a nice dessert after a meal. And in regards to mix tape cassette case art, stay away! Chuck Klosterman would be wierded out if he could immediately tell by looking at your mix tape that you are really trying hard to impress him.

Somewhere between Kiss and Beyonce lie Billy Joel and Def Leppard, all music that at one time or another has won over the hardened heart of Chuck Klosterman. Steer through those waters if you dare, and with Me by your side, you just might make Chuck Klosterman a mix tape that he will love, but I doubt it. Good luck.

BONUS MP3’s!

X Japan - Rusty Nail.mp3
Possible Sasquatch Sighting 911 Call.mp3
Possible Ohio Sasquatch Howl.mp3
Possible Sierra Nevada Sasquatch Howl.mp3
Possible Mississippi Sasquatch Howl.mp3

Special thanks to The Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization for sharing all those wonderful possible Sasquatch audio files. Find out more about Sasquatches at their site, www.bfro.net

Shins Album Review Drinking Game

2006-10-26T21:26:00.000-04:00

I drink alcohol. I like alcohol. If a party is running low on alcohol, I make more alcohol. It tastes really good. Alcohol is a gift from God. Granted, back in My day, you drank either wine or grainy sand water… but even with all the different drinks out there today, wine is pretty special. However, I’m not too keen on drunkenness, so try to drink in moderation people. Some people might tell you that friends of Mine should be above reproach, and this is true, but drinking alcohol is not a sin. Drinking alcohol with little flakes of gold in it, however, that’s a sin.

That being said, it’s time for the Shins Album Review Drinking Game, the game where you have to drink a beer when you find any of the following in a Shins album review. The blogs are full of Shins album reviews now, and a lot of things from the list below can be found in those reviews, so if you want to stay above reproach, you might not want to play the Shins Album Review Drinking Game. Here we go!

01. If the Shins Album Review mentions Natalie Portman, Zach Braff, or The Garden State, drink 1 beer.

02. If the Shins Album Review mentions the 3 album old song “New Slang”, drink 1 beer.

03. If the Shins Album Review mentions some sort of embarrassment for liking the new album, drink 1 beer.

04. If the Shins Album Review uses any type of term that makes the band sound hugely popular or successful, such as “the indie darlings” or “giants”, drink 1 beer.

05. If the Shins Album Review wrestles with the possibility that the band is trying to sell more albums or sell out, drink 1 beer.

06. If the Shins Album Review references the band clearly trying to evolve on this album, drink 1 beer.

07. If the Shins Album Review mentions their possibly boring stage shows, drink 1 beer.

08. If the Shins Album Review compares the new album to their attempt to sound like some other artist other than themselves, drink 1 beer.

09. If the Shins Album Review mentions whether or not the author thinks this album will make their top 10 albums of the year list, drink 1 beer.

10. And finally, if the Shins Album Review ends by giving the album a cautiously positive review, drink 3 beers.

Special thanks goes to Stereogum for pointing the way to the hilarious blog post regarding the Pitchfork music review drinking game, that inspired this post. The new Shins album is great, Ms. Portman will love it, there’s nothing quite as good as “New Slang” on it, and it’s surprising how much I actually like what these indie giants are putting out, although they are clearly trying to sell as many albums as possible by evolving into more of a Weezer sound, if their concerts could be as wild as Weezer, they might be able to make some money, so all in all, the new album is actually pretty good but it’s no Grizzly Bear or TV On the Radio, and it won’t be nearly as high as those two albums on My top 10 albums of 2006.

Skin Deep

2006-10-17T12:13:00.000-04:00

I made you look the way you do on purpose. Unique is beauty. If I wanted everything to look the same, I wouldn’t have made so many insects. If you want to look your best, just stay healthy. I take care of flowers and I’ll take care of you.

(thanks BWE)

Musings

2006-10-16T13:00:00.000-04:00

Throwing your way some random thoughts and links you might find interesting.

First of all, if you have the time, head over to Good Weather For Airstrikes and download anything you can find on their blog. They currently have a live Maximo Park show that's impressive and quite possibly the best B-Side of 2006.

Apparently, the Force is the tool of Satan, which I guess could be argued but I'd rather it not be.

If you like taking My words out of context, then head on over to the humorus God Hates Shimp website.

Thanks to the neato website DataWhat, they pointed out that you can buy milk at Amazon.com, now. Not only that, but it has over 700 reviews! Most of the reviews are comedy gold, such as "this milk was so good, I passed out."

How cool would Jericho be if the civilization slowly deteriorated into post apocalyptic Road Warrior, and Skeet Ulrich became a Mad Max-like character?

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said “God is Pro-Life.” I don’t recall mentioning My thoughts on the abortion debate. Please stick to quoting Me only when it's actually a quote and not a guess. For the record, Stereogum is Anti-Asian.

Awhile back, I posted My favorite Taco Bell condiment packets. If that's the sort of stuff you're into, and I'd argue that most people are, then head on over to The Condiment Packet Museum website!

Here's a blog regarding the end of the world oddly named Signs of Witness. Read it and freak yourself out. It's sooner than you'd think so keep your shoes by your bed.

For further proof that a lot of people who love Me are totally crazy, check out the site entitled "Was Jesus Christ A Christian?" Make sure you have your volume turned off and enjoy the coolest mouse arrow effects since the computer people figured out how to give the arrow a shadow. This site is scarier than the above End Of The World site.

The above image of Me is by the artist Luc Freymanc. He's good.

Some guy who say he loves Me says that I hate bloggers. Be sure to check out God Hates Blogs and be offended and then please feel free to take two steps back from Me.

And finally, what's a Jesus post without a youtube link? Nothing says "Hey Google, Don't screw up our Youtube" quite like this video of Conor Oberst karaokeing with some little girls to the song YMCA in a driveway.

I am totally head over heels in love with you.

Fill 'er Up

2006-10-13T14:29:00.000-04:00

I hope your life is fulfilling. I have made it so it can be. Try to do something today that you will brag about with your grandkids. They're closer than you'd think. Watch the below video for inspiration, then do something with today.

Trick Questions And Bad Juice

2006-10-11T10:31:00.000-04:00

Could I create a rock so large I couldn’t move it? This is the sort of question that really has no bearing over if one wants to be in a friendship with Me as much as the question is said to be playful or annoying. I call these “Jesus Smart-Alecky” questions, and I get them all the time.

Another common Jesus Smart-Alecky question I hear said about My rules is regarding if one was in a situation where one rule must be broken in order to follow another one of the rules. For example, what if your parents asked you to murder somebody? You’ve been told that I want you to obey your parents, but you also know that I don’t want you to murder. Now what?

The answer is simple. I don’t want you around sin. If your parents are trying to get you to sin, try to honor them in a way that doesn’t include sinning.

For example, “Hey son, kill our neighbor.” “No, dad. Meet this psychologist I hired for you.” “No, son, I’d rather you not hire a psychologist for me and instead kill our neighbor.” “I know you do, dad, but I don’t think I should break the law for you, even though I love you, so instead I hired this psychologist with my past two summers of lawn mowing money.” “Up yours, son.” “Sorry dad, I love you too much to let you through your life and mine down the toilet.” “Well, shoot.”

If you have a friend that tells you that they think I am telling them to break one of My commandments, they are probably lying in order to do something they really want to do. For example, some people will argue that getting drunk helps them share about their relationship with Me to their friends who also like to get drunk. I would never ask somebody to sin in order to talk about Me. They just want to get crunked up.

Here’s another toughie some people throw at Me. What if you were alive and in living in Germany during World War II and you were hiding some Jewish people in the basement, when all of the sudden, some Nazis knocked on the door and said “Have you seen any Jews around here? We are looking to round some up and murder them.”

Now, I don’t like people lying and I like it when you obey your government, but I also don’t like murder too much either. So, what’s the right thing to do here?

You lie right in the face of those Nazis! Either way you would end up in trouble, so pick the option that you’d think is the more righteous one. Play your cards right, and I’ll not only forgive your decision, I’ll probably even bless it enough to get you out of that mess.

The government wanted to kill Me, too, you know. And that ended up pretty good. Well, maybe not for Judas, but for the most part, I’d argue that humanity is much better off for it. The government also went after Moses, and that turned out alright, too. I’m not as fundamental as some might argue. Not to brag, but Me and the gang healed on Sundays you know.

That being said, I tripped across one of the freakier things I’ve found on the web lately. It’s an audio recording of the last 45 minutes of the sermon given by Jim Jones before he lead his congregation to mass suicide. This recording is fascinating and absolutely terrifying. A lot of horrendous things have been done in My name, and honestly this doesn’t even make the top 10… but it’s up there. So, just for the record, I would never lead a person to suicide. If you are hearing voices telling you that you should try to talk a large group of people into killing themselves, that voice ain’t Me. If you don’t know much about the Jonestown cult that lead to mass suicide, read up via its very own wiki!

The Reverend Jim Jones – Last Jonestown Sermon Death Tape.mp3
(mp3 brought to you via archive.org because EZarchive is a thorn in My head)

The Brian Jonestown Massacre – The Ballad of Jim Jones.mp3

So here’s My Jesus Smart-Alecky question for you… you wanna be in a friendship with Me and change the world together, or are you going to use some lame excuse to justify why I’m not real just so you don’t have to accept that fact that you’re screwed up and I’m the only think that can save your sorry soul?

Tarako!

2006-10-10T17:32:00.000-04:00

Tarako! God bless youtube! I know everything, so this above video makes perfect sense to Me... but for some of you, this is really going to freak you out. Tarako! I am in love with this clip to the point where I might go back and add this into one of My parables. If you can think of a way to make this fit into some sort of moral lesson about how I love you, please feel free to help Me out... not that I need your help, I just like to include you. Tarako!

Look At Me With Starry Eyes

2006-10-06T09:37:00.000-04:00

OK, let’s say you’re at the mall with your 5 year old sister. Maybe you have a sister, maybe not, but for this scenario, you do in fact have a sister and she is 5 years old. The two of you are walking around the mall, just kinda killing time, and to both of your surprise, you notice there is a woman leaning against the wall, wearing some low riding jeans and a bra… and that’s it. She’s just standing there, leaning down a little, looking totally bored and nonchalant, but is wearing nothing but jeans and a bra. She’s pretty good looking, she had a nice figure, and she seems clearly comfortable enough in her skin to be hanging out in the mall without a shirt.

Now, let’s say you and your sister are a little surprised at this, but you really don’t want to make a commotion about this, so you just sort of try not to make eye contact and lead your sister further down the mall and past this uniquely dressed woman. Once you get out of ear shot, your sister asks you “why did that woman not have a shirt on?” At which you reply that you have absolutely no idea.

Would you agree that if this situation were to actually occur, somebody would probably end up telling somebody else about this and eventually some sort of mall security would walk up to this woman and politely ask her to either put on a shirt or she would have to leave the premises? This makes sense, right? Her being partially unclothed definitely makes this shopping experience more awkward for you and your sister, and it is probably doing the same for many other people as they walk pass her.

However, now let’s say that right before the scantily clothed woman left the mall, and employee ran out of the store where she was leaning against, and this person quickly asked if they could take a photograph of her. She complies and this employee gets a picture of her leaning toward the camera and smiling. Then this employee takes this photo down to Walgreens, blows it up to be about 7 feet by 4 feet, and puts this now giant photo of a woman in a bra in the window of the store they work at, which is Gap Body. So, here’s the question… what’s the difference between a woman standing at the mall in her underwear and a giant poster of the same exact image?

Regarding your 5 year old sister, was your first instinct to protect her from seeing a woman in a bra? And if so, why? She, too, will one day be a bra wearing lady. May as well get comfortable with the idea now. Or maybe she is too young to have to think about that. If so, when would be a time to wrestle with that and why wait?

I like it when people try to be pure. What do you think about that? Perhaps it’s impossible to be pure and a little bit of impurity makes one more well rounded? Do you try to be pure? Do you go out of your way to protect yourself from becoming less pure? Do you know anybody that you would consider to be a pretty pure person, and would you consider that this trait has been good or bad for that person?

You are at the beach, reading a book next to your wife. A gorgeous girl in a bikini walks by as you nonchalantly look up from your book. You notice that she seems really “well made”. That is holy. That is righteous. She was well made. I spent a lot of time making her just right, and you should stare in awe of My creation. However, it’s what you do with that image of her, now floating in your mind, that makes all the difference. I made beautiful women, and I think you’d agree that I’m pretty good at it. I hope you enjoy them. I hope you can see Me through them.

The Lightning Seeds - Pure.mp3

The Western Desert Lives And Breathes

2006-10-04T08:28:00.000-04:00

I’d argue that Midnight Oil is one of the more underrated bands of the past 20 years. You want to argue Me, do ya? Feel free, argue with God’s kid. What’s another year of purgatory? It’s probably not too bad, right? Or maybe you agree, Midnight Oil deserved more props that the world gave them. Or perhaps they don’t need praise from man, which is fleeting at best, and it is only heavenly praise they seek… well, fine. I praise Midnight Oil. They were really good. Below is some mp3’s of an acoustic show from back in 1993. It’s worth the download just for the rant alone Peter Garrett shares with the audience at the end of the “Sell My Soul” track. Right after the song, he starts the unintelligible conversation with the following…

“Well, thank you very much. I think it’s probably the ultimate test, you know really, for people who’ve grown up with the idea that any sort of alternative of presenting yourself as a method as subtlety or art is to make it bigger or louder than anybody can.”

Couldn’t have said it better Myself. Enjoy this great show, from back in the days when shows like this were called “unplugged”.

Midnight Oil – Acoustic in 1993

01 Feeding Frenzy
02 The Dead Heart
03 My Country
04 Blue Sky Mine
05 Sell My Soul
06 Truganini (UPDATE: Track fixed, take that EZArchive!)
07 Warakurna
08 Short Memory
09 Beds Are Burning
10 Earth And Sun And Moon

Now, I know your every little thought (yeah), and therefore I happen to know that many of you, when you hear the classic Midnight Oil track “Beds Are Burning”, like to picture that song being a soundtrack for the Autobots and the Decepticons fighting in an epic Transformer battle. Well, now, thanks again to youtube, your dreams have become a reality. I hope you enjoy the below video. Try to quit thinking about sex so much.

GW and Me

2006-10-03T14:00:00.000-04:00

I love photoshop. This cracked Me up. Sad but true, I actually was there for a lot of these pictures, but the real Me is a little more buff... being a carpenter and all (not the band, smarty pants). George W. Bush and Jesus Christ, we make quite a pair, don't we?

Do You Believe In Rapture?

2006-09-29T15:37:00.000-04:00

Jesus Christ's Rapture Mix EP

01 Anthony And The Johnsons – Rapture.mp3
02 Laura Veirs – Rapture.mp3
03 R.E.M. – It’s The End Of The World…(Acoustic).mp3
04 Sonic Youth – Do You Believe In Rapture.mp3

It actually does start with an earthquake, but not quite like one you’ve ever felt before… kinda like how the world has really only seen one great flood, the earthquake will be similar to that. Anyway, I’m not a huge fan of using My return as a scare tactic to make you My friend, but the fact that I am stopping by there pretty soon and taking all My friends back up here with Me should lead you to consider adding Me on your Myspace or something… you know, just in case.

Some of My followers are really into talking about when I’m going to show up down there again and, trust Me, it will definitely be something to talk about. However pushing the “it’s the end of the world as we know it” tactic verses the “I think God is head over heals in love with you” tactic will probably not add too many to the party up here.

There’s a ton more rapture related songs, but these four best fit My mood(the calm before the storm, if you will). And below are some examples of rapture videos that probably don’t quite help out My cause too much…

God bless Youtube. I think this last one is from 6 Feet Under... and it's a little racey (or "sinny" if you will).

Little Superstar

2006-09-26T16:12:00.000-04:00

The above video has been all over the net lately. I found it via Data What, but have seen it at quite a few other sites as well. It might be the single reason why the internet was created (by Me and Gore). If you have yet to see this... you are welcome. If you have already seen it 100 times, one more time can't hurt. Chalk this up under "Proof There's A Me #4554". Just listening to this video can make your day brighter.

Friends?

2006-09-26T15:34:00.000-04:00

Some people just don't like Me. Even odder, some people try to argue that I don't even exist. If that was the case, then who was running this blog, huh?!!! Most people who say they don't believe in Me just say that because they really have no idea what they believe in, other than maybe there's a God and who knows that that would have to do with their daily life. If you're not sure if I'm the Son of God, then I suggest you try to figure it out. A lot of people think that being friends with Me is the only way to live forever. If that aint true, then what other ways are there to get to Heaven, and what proof can you find besides just a feeling. However, if it is true that the only way to Heaven is being My pal, then lets be pals! If Heaven is real, then you might want to do some research as to how to one day move there. Don't let Me sway you, here's some arguments against Me. Read and see if you agree, or if you can see possible cracks in these possible lies...

John P. Lynch, who runs the website Positive Atheism, lists his top 10 reasons why he is not a Christian. Very fascinating.

Also, of Penn and Teller fame, Penn Jillette is not a big fan of Me, and he wrote an essay entitled "There Is No God", which can be found here.

Finally, nother interesting read by people who totally hate My follower's guts... evilbible.com! On their site is another essay regarding why that person is not a Christian.

Soooo... what's My rebuttal? I'm real, you'll see.

What's The Frequency, Jesus?

2006-09-22T14:22:00.000-04:00

When lots of you guys are praying at once, it makes a beautiful sound. No matter how happy, sad, mad or rambling you might be when you are praying, I just love hearing your voice. I'll let you in on a little secret, I don't even really care too much about what you're saying... just the fact that you are trying to communicate makes Me fall in love with you even more. Don't feel like you didn't communcate to Me well during a prayer, I know what you need prayer for more than you know what you need prayer for, and I'll take care of it.

The above video reminds Me a little bit of American Beauty, and a little bit of what it's like listening to you all talking to Me at once. Maybe a little sad, maybe a little irrelevant, but I absolutly love it. I love you. We should hang out more.

Too cheesey? Well, at least the video has a pretty Arvo Pärt song in it.

Jesus Loves Blair Butler

2006-09-21T08:29:00.000-04:00

Every now and then, something in nature happens that is so unique, so bizarre, so original… that there can simply be no other explanation other than that there must be some sort of intelligent designer somewhere. That would be Me. And yes, I do leave stuff out there from time to time with hopes that it would turn your thoughts toward the mystery of Me.

For example, the northern lights, or aurora borealis… lot’s of times, people see this inky stuff in the night sky and start to wonder if I did that just so they would remember that I am up here smiling down on them. Well, I didn’t. The northern lights was a total accident, but it turned out pretty good so My Dad and I kept it in the mix.

However, you want to see proof of God in the complexity and creativeness of design… I give you Blair Bulter! Ready for this? Here goes…

Blair is a physically attractive girl, and Blaire absolutely loves comic books.

That’s right, dear friends, I created the platypus, the warmth giving nipple hair, lightning bugs, and a hot girl who loves comics. Blair Butler is on a show called “Attack Of The Show!” on the cable channel G4… a show which is either the best show on TV or the worst show on TV (it can fluxuate). This daily hour long show is basically “News for Geeks With Filler”, where they talk about current pop culture that’s a little more aimed toward the Star Wars arguing college boys who thought it was cool to talk a lot about Snakes On A Plane. Needless to say I watch it just about every weeknight (Tivo!). Blair Butler hosts a comic book review segment on the Fridays called “Fresh Ink”, which is the only place on TV you can find comics getting reviewed. Her reviews are always spot on and when she mentions comics I have yet to read, I make sure to read them soon. I recently sent her an email with some interview questions, and she was kind enough to reply.

Jesus: Hey Blair, current JLA vs. current Avengers, who’d win?

Blair: JLA - they're just too damn powerful. That's why I like the Avengers better.

Jesus: Hey Blair, strongest superhero ever… who is it and do you think I could take em?

Blair: Oh boy, Jesus. I dunno.

Jesus: Hey Blair, what advise do you have for fathers who would want to raise a baby girl to one day love comics as much as you?

Blair: Let your kid read your old comics. Take your daughter to the comic book store and let her pick books out of the 25cent bin.

Jesus: Hey Blair, can you list 5 different zombie comic series from favorite to not quite as favorite?

Blair: The Walking Dead (Image). Zombies: Feast (IDW). Marvel Zombies. Black Gas (Avatar). Remains (IDW).

Jesus: Hey Blair, can comics and religion mix to make a good story?

Blair: Yes. Read DC's: The Nail. Alan Moore's "Prometha." Batman: Holy Terror. etc.

Jesus: Hey Blair, think I died for your sins and for believing in Me brings eternal life?

Blair: um....

Jesus: Hey Blair, why does that one girl who reads the geek news on Attack Of The Show always giggle while reading the prompter?

Blair: She's a happy, nice person who makes a lot of money. I'd giggle, too.

Jesus: Hey Blair, which comic writer and artist duo would make the coolest comic about My life and death and life?

Blair: Joss Whedon, Alex Ross. heh.

Jesus: Hey Blair, do you really really like comics because you are a cute girl and when I made people I wasn’t thinking cute girls and comics would be mixing too much… so are you faking or are you the real deal?

Blair: Here's the truth: I am really into comics. I wear my nerd-dom like a badge.

Jesus: Hey Blair, if you could only follow one comic series for the next year, which one would it be?

Blair: Don't ask me a question that depressing, Jesus.

Thanks for taking the time for this interview, Blair. Your career is one I am excited to watch… not that I don’t watch everyone’s career because I’m omnipotent… nor do I need to because I am also all knowing and therefore know where your career is heading, but you know what I mean. Click here if you want to know more about her show. Click here to see her home page. Click here if you want to be her friend. Click here and nothing will happen.

Withstand The Nothing

2006-09-20T14:31:00.000-04:00

If you think this is cool, Hevean is so much cooler. If you think this is painfully hideous, Heaven is so much cooler. Who knew the chick who sang "The Never Ending Story Theme Song" was a dude?!!! I did, because I created him in his mother's womb. I'm sure this could be argued, but Tolkien TOTALLY stole from this movie. You might think the Lord Of The Rings trilogy came first, but it didn't because this story is never ending! Oh, and it started a long time before Tolkien was born. When I return and Earth is no more and all are taken to Hevean or Hell, this story keeps going... unless you go to Hell, where actually part 2 and 3 are just sort of repeating over and over.

Like Horses Prepared For Battle

2006-09-19T11:21:00.000-04:00

Summer is beginning to give up its fight. During these September nights, the crickets are out in full force, and will continue to chirp until the frost comes and shuts them up 'til next summer. There is only one God, and the only way to know Him is through Me. Tolerance of other religions will only bring their eternal damnation. I Am the only way, all other paths lead to Hell. If you love Me, feed My sheep.

And what better way to get ready for the harvest than with a mix of songs that feature the chirping chorus of crickets? Nature’s orchestra is glorious, and when a band taps into this sound (no matter how clichéd), the results are usually heavenly. Here are some of My favorite songs that include the chirps of My winged creatures of destruction, plagues, future glory, and memories of summer romances.

The Crickets Of Christ Mix Tape - Songs With The Sounds Of Crickets

01 Crickets At Night Intro.mp3
02 Stone Roses – Breaking Into Heaven.mp3
03 Tommy James – I Think We’re Alone Now.mp3
04 Ben Folds – Cigarette.mp3
05 Magnetic Fields – Old Orchard Beach.mp3
06 R.E.M. – You Are The Everything.mp3
07 Yo La Tengo – Green Arrow.mp3
08 Annuals – Brother.mp3
09 B-52’s – Dirty Back Road.mp3
10 Flaming Lips – There You Are.mp3
11 Brian Eno – Shadow.mp3
12 The Life And Times – A Chorus Of Crickets.mp3
13 Deltahead – Crickets And Frogs.mp3
14 Future Bible Heroes – You Steel The Scene.mp3
15 Tranquility Bass – They Came In Peace.mp3
16 Matt Pond PA – Crickets.mp3
17 Buddy Holly – I’m Gonna Love You Too.mp3
18 American Analog Set – Two Way Diamond I.mp3
19 Cornelius – Tone Twilight Zone.mp3
20 Crickets At Night Outro.mp3

Or here's the whole mix zipped up...

VA - The Crickets Of Christ.zip

Yeah, there’s others out there. Did I miss any good ones?

Little Devils

2006-09-15T09:43:00.000-04:00

Agh, man! Somebody broke My Pitchfork! Oh, wait... it's fixed again. Whew.

Jesus Loves Monster Island

2006-09-13T16:22:00.000-04:00

Jesus Christ Interviews David Wellinton, Author of Monster Island

I love zombies. Love them. Love. Zombies are just about the coolest monster ever created. I’m talking about the Romero zombies… undead, hungry, strong, and slow. And being a guy who came back from the dead, I can relate. Granted, in My situation I wasn’t quite as hungry and I could float. Still, zombies have a special in My heart.

Thanks in part to Boing Boing pointing Me to the way, I recently finished reading Monster Island, a zombie book written by David Wellington. If you are a fan of zombie movies, this book is a Must Read. This story is the best thing to happen to the zombie genre since the original Dawn Of The Dead and I could not praise it any higher.

The book is about a man leaving Africa after a Zombie epidemic has taken over most all the world, and he along with a band of African school girls turned soldiers must sail over to New York City to retrieve medicine. Of course, Manhattan is empty of all but zombies roaming the streets for food. Thus, a solid base for a good zombie story.

What separates this story above the rest of the zombie pack, is how Wellington took the standard “zombie plot” and raised it to a higher and uncharted level. How? He created a “thinking” zombie. Gary the zombie was a doctor who, after studying how people turned into zombies, realized that perhaps they were so seemingly brain dead because their brains didn’t get oxygen as they died. Gary thus dies while being hooked up to a machine that keeps air getting to his brain… and a new form of zombie was born. Gary is a zombie who can explain to the reader what it is like being a zombie, what a zombie feels, what a zombie thinks about. It’s genius and this twist doesn’t stop there, but if you want to know more, read the book.

I emailed the author, David Wellington, a few interview questions, and with a “word to your mother” shout out, he was kind enough to reply.

Jesus Christ: Hey David, if your book Monster Island were made into a movie,who would you cast as Gary the lead zombie?

Wellington: Steve Buscemi. I didn't set out writing with him in mind, but over the years it's become clearer and clearer to me that he'd be perfect for the role. He's got the twitchy energy and especially those eyes.

Jesus Christ: Hey David, think all the dead came back in their graves, or would the dead have to be directly in contact with other zombies, and did you have to make your own official guide rules regarding how zombies exist and recreate?

Wellington: I started by watching the George Romero movies, the classics, but I didn'twant to just copy his work. My zombies are a little different from everybody else's: for one thing, they don't eat just people, but anything organic. In the absence of fresh meat they'll chew the bark off of trees or even scratch up gum off the sidewalk. They're always hungry--always—and they'll take whatever they can get.The rule as I set them up is that anything (human or animal) with an intactnervous system will reanimate. As long as the brain and spinal cord are still there, the dead will come back. The source of the reanimation is the Life Force itself, a kind of biological field that suffuses the planet. A spine or a brain can act as an antenna to receive some of that energy and use it to keep the tissues going, though it's not enough for full, active life. The dead then need to consume the life energy of the living to heal and to be mobile.

Jesus Christ: Hey David, do you think it is possible to cheat death (I'm winking at you while asking this)?

Wellington: Well, barring special circumstances, no. Death is part of human existence. It's the biggest part, if you consider how long we'll all be dead compared to how long we get to be alive. The funny thing about zombies is that they actually seem to be hopeful creatures to some people. In some way, the idea that after death you can still be alive here, in this world, is optimistic. People really responded to the character of Gary because he seemed to have overcome death in every meaningful way, but the horror comes into play when you realize that to maintain his continued existence he has to do some pretty awful things. Like eating people, for instance. Even then a lot of readers still think of him as heroic--he's just doing what he does in order to survive. In an apocalyptic world that can be seen as heroic, it seems.

Christ: Hey David, the idea of more makes Me nervous like if Hollywood announced that Fight Club would spawn two more sequels (also known as "The Matrix Effect"). I LOVED how Monster Island ended, why not just end it there instead of making the story a trilogy? Or was that the plan all along… seriously?

Wellington: No! It was supposed to be a stand-alone book, really! I completely agree with you about trilogies. However at one point in the book it was revealed that there were two other people like Gary in the world, people who were dead and reanimated but who had managed to keep their consciousness intact. I meant it to be a way of isolating him--in all the world, there were only three people like that anywhere. But then the readers got hold of the idea. They wanted to know so badly what happened to the other two. The second book, Monster Nation (which is in bookstores starting September 28, and available now on Amazon), is about a completely separate set of characters in a whole other part of the world. It's not a sequel at all--it actually takes place before Monster Island.

Jesus Christ: Hey David, does Stephen King suck or is he pretty good?

Wellington: He's a genius. He reinvented a genre. Before King horror was still a pulp genre--you had Lovecraft, and about a million lesser imitators, but that was pretty much it. I couldn't have written my book without his blazing the path. I think he's kind of gotten tired of horror over the years, but his first four books were just brilliant.

Jesus Christ: Hey David, did you read other books that fit under the Zombie Fiction genre, and if so, did you enjoy any of them?

Wellington: I had never read a zombie book before I wrote Monster Island. I didn't even know there were any! At the time there were only a few—some brilliant short story anthologies, and Brian Keene's The Rising was just out. Walter Greatshell wrote a really interesting book called Xombies. Now there are a ton of them, mostly because of the success of Max Brooks' Zombie Survival Guide. I think they all have something to recommend them--everybody tries to do their own take. They vary widely in quality but then different readers like different kinds of books. That might sound like a cop out but honestly horror is so subjective. I don't personally care for horror novels that are just about blood and gore--splatterpunk stuff--but other people really get into that.

Jesus Christ: Hey David, zombie birds?!!! Do you realize the jar of wormsyou opened having zombie birds? Could there be zombie bears? Zombiesingle celled amebas?

Wellington: There is a zombie bear in Monster Nation. That's all I'm saying. No zombie amebas, or anything less evolved than a fish--you need a spinal cord toreanimate. So no zombie insects. Which is the saving grace of humanity, frankly. There just aren't that many birds in the world--there are 250,000 pigeons in New York City, compared to 11,000,000 people--but the insects outnumber us by a million to one. Zombie mosquitoes would mean a very quick, very ugly end to the human race.

Jesus Christ: Hey David, you offer your books for free online. You even made them iPod compatible. Where's the cash in that?

Wellington: There is none. We always accepted donations, but that was just to cover the cost of our bandwidth. The idea when we started was not to make money but to get my writing out where people could read it. I just wanted to know if people thought my stuff was any good. Honestly! The book deal was pretty unexpected, and it basically turned my whole life upside down--in a wonderful way. I've wanted to make a living at writing since I was six years old. Now it's actually happening. I feel like I won the lottery.We still give the books away for free, because it would be a pretty despicable thing to take that away now. The print version sells great anyway. Most people don't like to read that much text on a computer screen, while others just like the sensation of having a real book in their hand, the texture of the pages, the smell of the glue and the ink.

Jesus Christ: Hey David, do you think that the only way to Heaven is believing that I died for you and thus purifying you of your sins, or is that just something people say so little kids don't freak out about dying?

Wellington: I make no claim to any special knowledge about the afterlife. That's something everyone has to decide for themselves.

Jesus Christ: Hey David, who's coolest… Sam Raimi, George Romero, or Jesus Christ who died, went to Hell, then rose again, then went to Heaven, and then will come back with a tongue like a sword on fire cleansing the Earth of everything?

Wellington: When you put it that way... George Romero. I grew up in Pittsburgh, PA, where he made his zombie films (part of Day of the Dead was filmed in Florida, but most of it was made in Pennsylvania). He's a local hero there and they would show his movies uncut in primetime on local television in the summer. I grew up watching Dawn of the Dead (the original) as if it were part of my heritage. Obviously it had a powerful effect on me!

Jesus Christ: Thanks for your time, David! I am really excited to read Monster Nation!

Wellington: I hope you'll like it. I think anyone who enjoyed Monster Island is really in for a treat with this one. And I'm not just saying that because I wrote it!

Buy his books! Or read them online for free! Either way, read and be amazed at what this guy is able to do with the zombie genre. I totally get the Zombie Bear thing now! LOVE IT!

Click here for Dawn Of The Dead hand knitted dolls!

Sufjan Stevens - They Are Night Zombies!(live).mp3

Roky Erickson - I Walked With A Zombie.mp3

Jesus Answers

2006-09-13T15:00:00.000-04:00

From time to time, I get questions asked to Me via email or in the comments after a post. Here’s a few I’ve decided to answer here on My holy blog.

Question #1 Jebus, what do you think of the new Thermals album? You’re mentioned in it a lot.

Jesus Answers #1 I think it’s pretty fascinating. It is further proof that Christians are not first known for their love. The songs are catchy and the lyrics are rough. It’s getting compared to Green Day’s “American Idiot”, which I honestly think is a far superior album, but the Thermals album is definitely in My current iPod album rotation. Politics and religion mix about as well as oil and linking verbs.

Question #2 Why wouldn't God lift a finger to protect the most vulnerable children? Did JonBenet, Polly Klass and many have to suffer like that? Is He omnipotent or impotent?

Jesus Answer #2 I am protecting children. Trust Me, your news could look a lot worse. I love children and more people sense Me though them than any other tool I use to show people shadows of Myself. Unfortunately, Satan isn’t a fan of kids. Humanity was given the choice of making Me the center of their universe or making themselves the center of their universe. Unfortunately, people would rather worship themselves than Me. With that decision comes repercussions that lead to a lot of bad decisions. For example, “I know killing little kids is wrong, but I really want to do that.” When people think they are the most important thing in the universe, people can justify anything they want. That’s a cause of sin, which is like a disease they caught when they decided to figure life out without Me. I’m sorry you have to live in a world so screwed up where kids are murdered. That wasn’t the original plan.

Question #3 Don't you heal people anymore? Sure, I know, when we get to heaven there will not be any sickness, but what about right now? Can you not heal things anymore or are you just going to let our bodies rot and save our souls? That’s one of the things I just don’t get about the Bible. I mean whatever happened to if you ask for something in your name then it will be given unto you? Have you read Christian Reflections by C.S. Lewis? He asks some questions that deserve an answer. If I want to be healed and I have faith and pray for healing, why won't you heal me? Please don't use the answer of it's for your own good and it will all work out in the end? You didn’t use that answer when you were here on earth so please don’t use it now.

Jesus Answers #3 I heal people all the time. A lot of stuff that went down back in the day still go down now. Demons are everywhere. They didn’t die out like the way of the dinosaur… if dinosaurs even existed (joke). I’m still healing every day. In fact, I’ve healed you many times already. I love you. I’m taking care of you.

Now, in regards to this specific question, “If I want to be healed and I have faith and pray for healing, why won't you heal me?” Great question.

Let’s say you really want a quarter really bad to buy some gum. So you ask Me, “Hey God, can I have a quarter for some gum?” Now, because I love you so much, I’ll do one more than giving you a quarter for gum. Here, I want you to own the Fruit Stripe Gum company. Here’s the keys. You’re the Fruit Gum President. Pulling a quarter out of your ear is a poor mans parlor trick. Take the a stroll through your gum factory and dive into your vats of flavor.

Did I answer your question? Probably. Do you want a blunter answer? Probably. Faith moves mountains and you are tapped into that power, so don’t give up hope. You will be healed, just maybe not how you think you need it. I love you and I don’t like seeing you upset. Look around and let Me show you your gum factory.

And asking Jesus Christ if He’s read C.S. Lewis is like asking Conor Oberst if he’s listened to Bob Dylan.

Question #4

Jesus Answers #4 Short answer… maybe some of you. Long answer… not most of you. Start debating over how to best love a nation that thinks Christians are close minded bigots who love war and money. Love comes first.

So, what words come to mind before the word “love” when you think of people who say they follow Me? Feel free to make a list in the comments. What’s the first thing that comes to mind in order to finish the following sentence? “Christians are most commonly known for their…”

I Love Martha Dumptruck

2006-09-12T11:59:00.001-04:00

I rarely get angry. I get passionate sometimes. I've been known to throw a table or two. The lack of high school kids who have even heard of the movie "Heathers" gets Me close to table throwing. This film lifts high school up on it's alter and stabs it straight into the heart. The plot in and of itself is genius... basically, an high school outsider hates the popular kids so he kills one, making it look like suicide... but because the popular kid commited suicide, it becomes the popular thing to do. Ahhh... dark humor in pure form. High school kids are lemmings, and this film capitalizes on that sad reality and turns it into art. Hey mallcore kids, save your money by not seeing Nightmare Before Christmas in the theaters and buy this flick and watch it over and over and memorize every line in it and quote it on your last day of school.

Big Fun - Teenage Suicide (Don't Do It).mp3

Jesus Ain't No Kind Of Bunny

2006-09-11T00:19:00.000-04:00

The new Of Montreal album has leaked out onto the dancefloor. If you've yet to hear the studio version of "She's A Rejector" yet, stop reading My blog and head on over to You Ain't No Picasso, where he has the new track posted. For those of you who didn't obey Me and are still reading this, no worries, I'm used to you not obeying Me, and I love you anyway. In fact, I'll even give you a treat. Below, for your enjoyment, is their 2002 Covers show from the 40watt, which I think I got from You Ain't No Picasso as well but maybe not.

And now, a theological question that one can argue for hours... How can Of Montreal not be as big as the Flaming Lips? And in true Me form, I answer this with but another question... Could they one day become even bigger? Or if the Flaming Lips were playing alone at Bonnaroo, and nobody was around to hear it, would their new album still suck?

1/18/2002 Of Montreal Covers Show at the 40watt

01 Of Montreal - Can't Explain (the who).mp3
02 Of Montreal - September Gurls (big star).mp3
03 Of Montreal - Rain (beatles).mp3
04 Of Montreal - I'm Beggining To See The Light (velvet underground).mp3
05 Of Montreal - Making Time (the creation).mp3
06 Of Montreal - Hang Onto Yourself (david bowie).mp3
07 Of Montreal - Sway (rolling stones).mp3
08 Of Montreal - I Believe In You (neil young).mp3
09 Of Montreal - Doing Nothing (of montreal).mp3
10 Of Montreal - Metaphorically Tuning Into Stone (of montreal).mp3
11 Of Montreal - Death Dance Of Omnipapas And Son (of montreal).mp3
12 Of Montreal - Jennifer Louise (of montreal).mp3
13 Of Montreal - Do You Remember Walter (the kinks).mp3
14 Of Montreal - Rocks Off (rolling stones).mp3
15 Of Montreal - Happy (rolling stones).mp3
16 Of Montreal - Don't Ask Me To Explain (of montreal).mp3

I Love Serena Matthews

2006-09-08T23:22:00.000-04:00

Dearest believers and non-believers, listen to the word! This girl's got it. This is how most voices were supposed to sound before sin screwed everything up. If you have yet to hear a song by the Tennessee native Serena Mattews, I have an exciting find for you. She sings all the songs you wish Victoria Williams would sing if she wasn't trying to sound like a 6 year old. Serena is the girl from all those Whiskeytown albums that Ryan let get away. Serena is the girl that would easily win Nashville Star if she would ever sell out and audition for it but she can't find it in her to be the girl who waits in line for hours only to be critiqued by Gina Gershon's brother. Serena is the girl who could probably sell a lot more records if she didn't let her family come before her work, but she knows never to let that happen. So, if you enjoy an acoustic guitar and a soft twang in a voice, singing to you beautiful folky ballads, then I have found your new favorite muse. If you like what you hear, give her some of your money via her website or you could be her friend. She doesn't have the voice of an angel, but it comes pretty close.

Serena Matthews - Beautys Colors.mp3

Serena Matthews - Mellow Out.mp3

Serena Matthews - Wish Away.mp3

Serena Matthews - Black Bird.mp3

If you love these as much as I do, spread the word. She deserves it. If you love animals as much as she does, adopt a pet.

Here's How It Is...

2006-09-06T21:03:00.000-04:00

Sonny Rhodes - Ballad Of Serinity Theme.mp3

I loved the show Firefly. It was a sad day for humanity when Fox pulled the plug midway through their first season. Up here in Heaven, I can just about get everything I want, so I was able to create a 7 Season DVD box set of Whedon produced Firefly. If you are a fan and get your name in My book, I'll let you rent them when you get up here. They are amazing. If you have yet to watch this show, do yourself a favor and buy the first season DVD's from Amazon. It's worth it. If you consider yourself to not be a fan of science fiction, let this show be your exception.

Awhile back, I mentioned on this blog that I thought the show Battlestar Galactica was a step backwards from Firefly in regards to contemporary and smart science fiction television. As some of you might know, those were geek fighting words and the geeks came after Me. I probably got more email on My "dissing" of Battlestar Galactica than most other topics I've written about.

One email came from the head geek over at Fandumb.com, who asked if I would elaborate. He interviewed Me on the topic of Firefly vs. Battlestar Galactica, and posted our conversation up on his site. Check it out, here, if interested.