Jesus Christ's Top 5 Musical Disappointments of 2005

05. Iron and Wine/Calexico – In the Reins
Thank Me for “The Trapeze Artist”, because if this is all we heard from Sam Beam this year, I would have been worried. This essentially sounds like what Iron and Wine should sound like if SubPop was trying to sell him out, stripping each song of its soul and inserting some Calexico Cheese Whiz instead. Argue if you want, just remember who you are arguing against.

04. The Headphones – Self Titled
Come on, Bazan, you can create better than this. I created you to create better than this. Don’t hide behind band names. Don’t fear your non-Me-loving audience. Just sing like the angel you know you’ll never be and everything will be alright. Now, try again. I believe in you.

03. Franz Ferdinand – You Could Have It So Much Better
Don’t swallow what Clear Channel feeds you and call it fashion. This music will wither and fade. If you want fashion rock, try Art Brut. Like a dog returns to his vomit, so does mankind accept Franz as rock.

02. Devendra Banhart – Cripple Crow
Ladies and gentlemen, let Me introduce you to my enemy. He can take many shapes and forms, from Charles Manson to a serpent. Enjoy this “anti-folk” if you want, but the voice you are singing along with is not human, and know this, he is definitely “anti-folk” at its purist. He and I go way back, way back… and happily, I won’t have to put up with him much longer.

01. Kanye West – Late Registration
Please. Never mind what he says, this guy and I are not friends. I love him, but he is clearly not trying to listen to Me right now. This album is nothing but bells, whistles, and banging gongs, saying lots but meaning nothing. So much potential, wasted on more songs about “hoes”. Thank Me that there is a new Outkast coming out soon. Now don’t give me the whole “Jesus Christ doesn’t like black people” line, because my skin is a lot darker than the paintings might lead you to believe. This album is awful, trust Me. You know this is bad if I ranked it higher than Satan in disguise.