Saturday, December 31, 2005

Jesus Christ's 2005 Film Let Downs

10. Crash
This movie took 2 hours to say, poorly, what an average parable takes about 2 minutes to say. Of course there is still racism in the world, and that is not going anywhere. You guys will always be hating somebody, that’s what sin does to you. You want to see racism in American film, rent “Monster-In-Law”. Wanda Sykes is one of the funnier women on Earth and she is stuck acting in crap like that. There’s your “Racism in contemporary America” film, not this after school garbage.

09. Fantastic Four
I made everyone and, besides Alba, even I don’t remember who was in this movie. And is it just me or was Dr. Doom, possibly the baddest bad guy in the Marvel universe, more feminine than Invisible Girl? The unreleased “Fantastic Four” movie was better than this “made for TV but with a huge budget” trash.

08. Kingdom of Heaven
A movie about the crusades that forgets to talk about Me! Come on! I had a HUGE part in that story, and Hollywood leaves me out?! That’s like re-making “Castaway” and leaving out the human! I mean, “Constantine” talked about me more than this film. This felt more like they took the thrown out clippings from Peter Jackson’s garbage can, taped it together, and decided to tell people it’s a crusade movie.

07. 40 Year Old Virgin
This made the flawed “Wedding Crashers” look like “Airplane!” First of all, being a virgin isn’t a bad thing, people! I look out for virgins. I bless virgins. Virgins get to go on cool adventures for me. This was racy just to be racy, and I seriously just wanted to turn it off and sleep. 10 minutes of “The Office” is funnier than 2 hours of this excuse of a comedy. Where’s that “Weatherman” sequel?

06. Rent
Where did the edge go? When I saw this in New York, I freaked out. Maybe I was letting this aids thing get out of hand. When I saw this on the screen, it felt like I was being forced to re-watch “Fame.” Bring on the aids!

05. Walk the Line
Yet again, another “true story” movie where they totally left me out. People, it was Me who brought these two together and the three of us hung out ALL the time during their courting phase, but was that mentioned in the movie? Of course not. I actually watched this movie up here with Johnny. When it was over he told me that, for half the movie, he thought the actor playing Elvis was supposed to be him.

04. March of the Penguins
I see this kinda stuff every day. Boring. It was like watching a documentary called “staring at some trees for and hour and a half.” The return of the documentary, please! You would rent a documentary about pencil led if Morgan Freeman narrated and Entertainment Weekly told you it was good.

03. Star Wars: Episode 3
You humans might think that the good news is that you can no longer be let down. Unfortunately, I saw these movies 30 years ago when they were being formed in Lucas’s mind, and those, my friends, just might have been the best science fiction films ever. How they could turn out to look like this? There’s only one possible answer… sin.

02. Mr. and Mrs. Smith
There’s more brains in an average “Alias” than this garbage. I know the future, this movie will be forgotten quicker than “Assassins”.

01. The Chronicles of NariaI don’t care what you say, they made me look like a cartoon. All the special effects were great up until my big entrance, and out walks Moosfasa, making this movie feel more like “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” than “The Lord of the Rings.” Plus, who was really moved by my death? Maybe only because of the forced drama, but I honestly think the kiddies would have been more upset to see that badger die than me (that badger who is hardly in the book, by the way).