Saturday, December 31, 2005

Jesus Christ's Top Films of 2005

10. Batman Begins
Most of the angels are big Frank Miller fans, so they were a little let down that this story wasn’t more like “Year One”. I was cool with it though and am glad to see Batman up again on the screen. Now if only Rogregiz would stop making “Sin City” movies and make “The Dark Night Returns,” this place would go insane.

09. Sympathy for Mr. Vengence
Those of you who know Me know how much I loved “Oldboy”. Movies just don’t get much more Old Testament than “Oldboy.” This movie had a lot riding against it, but when it dug its claws in me, it was like wrestling____ all over again.

08. Corpse Bride
We up here in Heaven throw a party whenever we get a new Tim Burton flick in. We all were expecting Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to be awesome (and it was), but this film awed us more. It’s fun how obsessed with death you all are. It’s not the end people! That maggot made Gabriel spew Coke out his nose.

07. Cinderella Man
There’s a really cool scene in this movie where Russell Crowe and Rene Zelwigger are praying to me and then Crowe stops and says he has prayed enough. This is fun for me because I remember when this really happened 70 years ago and I was like, “Yeah, go on. Hello? Hello?” He totally hung up on me and we up here totally thought that was hilarious because where did that has been think he was getting his skills from anyway? I kept my blessing on him anyway and it shows by this films end.

06. Me and You and Everyone We Know
I love poop. Why do you think I made every animal do it? Pooping is classic. Why you guys are so weirded out by it always makes Me smile. This movie has, hands down, the best poop dialog ever put on film.

05. Roll Bounce
I check for souls by who smiles at this film. If you don’t enjoy a movie that ends in a roller skate dance off, you are soulless.

04. War of the Worlds
Me and the angels always joke about fun ways to end the world. I know how I'm going to do it, but I like letting them guess. This movie was so good that we actually kicked around going with this, but I like my first plan better.

03. Brokeback Mountian
Listen people, all sin is the same. How hard is it for you to understand that? Sure, the gay stuff is a sin, but so is gluttony, and I didn’t hear “My people” rallying against Jack Black’s performance in King Kong as being too overweight. Watching these two do it was no different for me than watching the two in Titanic do it. Get over it. I’ll do the judging, you do the loving. That being said, this movie was amazing. The performances were surprisingly realistic, and that ending was a risk few directors take.

02. King Kong
Sorry about knocking on Jack Black’s weight. I made him that way on purpose and I think it makes him a funnier comic. 2/3 of this movie was the best action/adventure movie of the year, 1/3 of this movie was really boring. But by the time Kong is climbing up to his finale, the beautiful ending makes up for all flaws.

01. The Constant Gardener
Far ahead of the pack for the best movie of 2005. This should be on its own list. Here we clearly see the problem of your world, sin slowly killing My creation, one country at a time, and we see the human morals that are working for and against it. This broke my heart for you and gave me hope for you at the same time, which is something few of your films truly accomplish.