Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Jesus Jones Soda

I love Thanksgiving. Way back in the day, lots of pilgrims died and food was difficult to come by. A second evil winter was about the rear its ugly head, and the gang decide instead of whining about it, they threw Me a party. That first Thanksgiving just honored Me so much, and honestly a lot of America has them to thanks when it comes to My loving your nation. With Thanksgiving here again, I wanted to take time to give your American great great grandmothers and grandfathers a shout out, and what better way to do that then by drinking 2 cases of Jones Soda’s Dinner Holiday Packs. I have a pack from this year and a pack from last year, and for fun, I’d like to share My thoughts with you as I take a big gulp of each flavor. Happy Thanksgiving. Forget Me not.

First up, TURKEY & GRAVY SODA, which I’m already a little nervous to try. It looks like watered down gravy. It kinda smells like watered down gravy. I am not nearly as excited about this as I was when I bought the box at Target. I’m sure it can’t be too bad. I pretty much love every flavor of Jones Soda I’ve tried. OUCH! First thoughts, it tasted like stale apple cider, with a hint of caramel. The flavor was surprisingly light, but not something I would ever want to taste again. Let’s see if they get any better.

Next, SWEET POTATO SODA. Now, the problem here is that I am not really a big fan of sweet potatoes to begin with, so the idea of it being a soda is not exciting at all… especially with the taste of “turkey” still in My mouth. Stalling, I’ve decided to give you a quick review of the smell of it… not too bad. Smells like cinnamon. Here goes the taste. Not bad! Again, it has a hint of caramel, but this also tastes more like a cola. I could finish this one. Although it’s color is a burnt orange, I think it tastes like a light brown. Does that make sense? Either way, I feel like this is what a Coke would taste like if you added a shot of caramel grenadine into it. I am now not as nervous to keep trying these sodas.

Ok, next up, we have DINNER ROLL SODA, which looks like a bottle of vinegar. This one sounds pretty safe to Me, so lets get this one out of the way. Smells like Sprite. Here goes… GROSS! Ok, that was the initial reaction, but as the flavor slows down, it’s not quite as rough. It tastes exactly like a Jelly Belly Popcorn jelly bean. Whatever the fake flavor for butter is, that is what this tasted like. The flavor immediately made Me think of a popcorn smelly sticker from the 80’s. Not vomit inducing, and I think I’d be able to finish the bottle.

Next up, we got PEA SODA, which is absolutely terrifying. The color is exactly what it should look like, as if peas were blended up and thrown in with a little water. Smell test – dirty shoe… this is not looking good. Ok, to the lips… woah… not peas! What was that?! Not really super gross, but definitely not the taste of peas. I think I’m going in for another swig. Ok, this one is more odd than bad, but it is still mostly bad. The flavor is like something went really bad to your Ginger Ale, almost like it became stale and flat, yet somehow it kept it’s carbonation. This is sounds worse that it was, but I still have no desire to ever taste that again.

The last of this box set is ANTACID FLAVORED SODA, which is a light pink and reminds Me of chewable baby aspirin, which is a flavor I don’t mind, so I’m going into this one with positive expectations. Smell test – wow, smells just like Pepto Bismol! Suddenly I am not nearly as excited to try this one. Let’s do this… agh! That made Me shake My head all around! Mix Pepto and Spite and you get an idea of what I just tasted. This one is funny gross, and I think this one tastes the closest to the target. Still nothing I’d want to try again, but I’d sure love to watch others sip at it.

Alright, on to Jones Soda Dinner Pack 2005. This one also starts out with a TURKEY & GRAVY SODA, which I am none too excited about other than I can gauge if this whole box has gone stale or not by comparing this nasty soda to the same flavored nasty soda of the first pack. Same color, same smell, but same taste? Here goes… so gross! No fun. That swig makes Me want to cut this out. What’s next?

Alright, now we have WILE HERB STUFFING SODA, which is the soda I have been looking forward to least. I only really enjoy stuffing if I can eat it with a bite of turkey, and the idea of just eating stuffing alone sounds unenjoyable to Me, which makes the thought of a Stuffing Soda sound pretty awful. It looks like lemonade, but I know this will is going to be liquid pain. Ok, I’m stalling. Smell test, smells like Smarties, which is much more exciting to Me than it probably should be. Bottles up, and… ocean water! Worst one! Worst one! OW! I have NO IDEA what that just was, but that was not the taste of herb stuffing! It’s like you mixed salt water, carbonated water, and vinegar together and called it herb stuffing. So gross. Now I’m a little angry. Let’s hope the next flavor is some sort of apple side dish.

No good. Next up is BRUSSELS SPROUT SODA. I checked to see what the bottles were after this one, and they look like much happier options. If I can get past this one, I am home free. It looks like lime soda, and I’m trying to hurry so I can wash that herb crap off of My pallet. Smells like butter, oh no. No time to waste, to the lips… NO!!!! So much butter! It’s like I just drank a gulp of butter! Sick! Green bean butter! That was really rich! I’m starting to feel sick. Next.

CRANBERRY SODA, thank Me! The color is a dark red. Smells like cranberry juice. Tastes like… cranberry soda! Thank, Me! I want to finish this one right now. But I’ll try the last bottle and if I need to, I’ll come back to this one. So far, this is the only one I’d actually buy and drink as if it were a normal soda.

Finally, the last bottle… PUMPKIN PIE SODA. I’m sure this one will be fine. It’s a little more orange than I would like it to look, but it still looks fine. Smells like a spicy candle, and tastes like… sugary watered down Coke. Not good. I have no clue why they thought this would taste like pumpkin, but it doesn’t at all. Definitely not good! I’m off to the cranberry soda again, not that I want more soda as much as I really need this taste out of My mouth. Honestly, the cranberry doesn’t even taste that good right now, but maybe I just really messed up My taste buds and they need a break.


At 6:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Jesus shops at Target...awesome.

At 10:16 PM, Blogger Claire said...

ol - it took me about 2 mins to get the premise of this and i love it, as in written by Jesus. very creative. cool.

At 9:19 AM, Anonymous mjrc said...

liquid pain, i love that. this whole post is, how would You say, comedy gold!

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