St. Peter The Comic Loves Arthur Curry
I’ll tell you what, there are few people funnier than My man Peter. There are lots of different things people usually call Peter before they call him “Pure Comedy”, but he sure was. For example, he used to fish nude. Might not sound too funny to you, but the rest of us would just cry laughing at him jumping around the boat, pulling up nets of fish, wearing nothing but what My Daddy gave him. Once, there was the lady who has super bad menstrual problems for like 12 years, and she hunted Me down thinking that if she touched Me, then maybe her situation would heal up. So, when she finds Me, we all happen to be in this huge crowd of people and she sneaks up and touches the bottom of shirt. Of course, she’s instantly healed, but I decide to call her out on it, so I jump around and start yelling “who touched Me?!”, with the hope that she will fess up and we can have pleasant conversation about her being better. But Peter, he doesn’t know that I know somebody just got healed by touching Me, and we are all totally surrounded by tons of people, so when he sees Me all of the sudden freaking out screaming that somebody just touched Me while we are so close to so many people that it would seem pretty obvious that lots of people have probably just touched Me… Peter starts freaking out and being all PR-like and saying “Whoa, Jesus, calm down. Lot’s of people touched you.” But I know that this lady knows what she did and I want her to fess up, so I keep screaming “Who touched Me?!”, which is clearly totally embarrassing Peter to the point of shock. He starts literally grabbing onto Me, trying to calm Me down like he thought I was about to start punching people, when all of the sudden this lady was all like “It was me. Sorry I touched you. I’ve been sick. Now I’m better” etcetera, etcetera. Peter then stares at her than back at Me like this is crazier than the whole fish and bread incident, which makes Me laugh and him just smile at Me while his eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head. Anyway, the funny part is that, later that night, Peter reenacted this whole scene, playing the parts of himself, Me, and the random sick woman. He did this whole routine by the fire for the rest of the guys, and I swear it was one of the funniest chunks of comedy your world has ever seen. He would do all our voices and his version of how this lady talked was not only spot on, but it was this weird cackle that was comedy gold. And when he would do the “Who touched Me?!” part, seriously we could not stop laughing. All of us were just balled up in little convulsing heaps by the fire, crying ‘til it hurt so bad. He totally embellished Me, of course, but that is what made it just out of this world. Peter had a gift. Anyway, Peter was really into fishing and to kill time on the boat, I would sometimes tell him stories about Aquaman. Because I know everything, I’ve always been able to pull stuff from the future and talk about it before it actually happens. I used to do this all the time regarding My whole dying but them coming back situation. How about that little “pick up your cross and follow Me” bit, huh? The foreshadowing is funny now, once the disciples realized I did have to pick up My cross. So, I would tell them stories from the future sometimes without telling them they were necessarily stories from the future, and I would always talk to Peter about Aquaman. The idea of a guy who could talk to fish was a pretty cool idea to Peter, and he would always want to hear another story about him. His favorite was the story about how Aquaman lost his hand and had to replace it with a hook, but I added a bit of Star Wars into it as well so that his hand was actually taken off by his father. You had to be there but it made for a good parable at the time.
Anyway, somebody emailed Me a link to this little McSweeneys essay written from the point of view of if Aquaman addressed people regarding his current not so great image in 21century pop culture. This instantly reminded Me of Peter. Not only did Peter love Aquaman, but when I first starting hanging out with him, his humor definitely leaned on the more raunchy side. So, if reading a short essay from a ranting and cussing Aquaman sounds like a good time to you, be sure to check out this bit of creative fun over at McSweeneys. I’m actually seeing Peter later today, so I’ll show this to him, too. He’s not quite as racy as he was, but he still enjoys Aquaman (although he thinks that the current run with Kurt Busiek is pretty lame). I’m starting to ramble now, so I’ll sign off. Fun to reminisce though, and if you ever are out fishing with some friends and things are starting to get a little dull, take off your clothes. Trust Me, that joke is a classic.
While writing this, I've been blaring the classic Goblin 70's Italian prog rock song "Aquaman" over Heaven's loud speakers. Killer song. Enjoy it. If you don't know much about Goblin, check this song out. It's from the classic 70's album "Roller", which is worth buying even though it can be pricey.
Goblin - Aquaman.mp3
And now, via Youtube, one of the more odd things I've seen in awhile. Below is a cartoon of Aquaman hosting a bad talk show somewhere in Latin America. If you enjoy, be sure to track down part two of the same episode.