Friday, December 08, 2006

Open Letter To Volver Fans

Dear people who tell others to see the film Volver,

Cut it out. Even if you loved it, cut it out. I have not seen Volver. I have only heard great things about Volver. I will not go anywhere near Volver. If a film I want to see is playing at a theatre also showing Volver, I will not go and wait to see it on DVD.

For those of you unfamiliar with Volver, it is the new Pedro Almodovar film starring Penelope Cruze currently has a 91% positive review count on Rotten Tomatoes. Ms. Cruze is apparently so good in this role that she has positioned herself as an Oscar contender.

Peter Travers of Rolling Stone says, “You don’t want to miss this one.”

Richard Roeper of Ebert & Roeper says, “It’s very moving, it’s beautifully done.”

Claudia Puig of USA Today says “Volver is suspenseful, clever, gently funny and always emotionally resonant.”

Jesus Christ of the King Of Kings says, “I’d rather watch Pedro Almadovar take a dump than watch another one of his films”.

Very rarely do I like it when people attack a film. Lots of My “followers” picketed Dogma. Some were enraged against The Davinci Code. Some with The Last Temptation Of Christ. I understand why they might get frustrated with those films. They portray Me in an uncomfortable light, and they are trying to protect Me. It’s cute. I don’t really think I need much protecting, and it might paint people who say they like Me unattractively, but it’s still kinda cute. But when films that truly deserve raging against the machine come out, most of you stay quiet, and that really gets to Me.

So, should people be upset about Volver?

Should people spread the word and tell others not to support such a film?
Is it sacrilegious and in poor taste?
Why then, should it be attacked?
That means you haven’t seen it?
But the reviews have been through the roof?
Why not?
A bad preview doesn’t necessarily mean a bad film, and you usually side with the majority of critics on your film tastes, yet you won’t even give this a shot?
Why not?
What, a lot of them are great! Are you nuts?
What about Women On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown?
What about Talk To Her?

Here’s what you are really saying if you tell friends and family to see Volver:

“We really don’t know each other too well.”
“I don’t really think you’d like this film at all, but I’d like you to associate me with pretentious films rather than Happy Feet, although you’d probably enjoy that film more, because I sure did.”
“I justify staring lustfully at Penelope Cruze’s cleavage for two hours by calling it art”
“I endure the taste of tofu.”

The preview alone is boring. Again, the preview is boring. Once more, the preview is boring. When I say things three times, I mean it people. This film looks painful! “Volver” is Spanish meaning “to return”, and if I ever saw this film, I’m sure I’d want “to return” the earth around a few on its axis ala Donner’s Superman and stop Myself from entering the theatre. See what I just did there? That’s a pun using the film title. Classic film criticism technique. Learn it. This film looks just terrible. I have sat through way too many Almadovar films due to wonderful reviews like many of the above, and I will not be making the same mistake again. Seriously, I’d rather see The Holiday than Volver. Wait, no I wouldn’t, but I’d rather watch lions tear Daniel apart than sit through Volver. I’d rather watch Moses say “Let my people go!” only the be promply arrested and beheaded than sit through Volver. I’d rather start re-creating all the insects by scratch than sit through Volver. I’d rather… you get the point, I have no desire to see this terrible looking film. What are the show times for Inland Empire?


At 4:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you don´t like any Almodovar film is because you don´t understand them, dear Lord... Just try to act like the Son of God and not only as the American Jesus.

At 5:44 PM, Blogger Michael Battista said...

yeah, i'm kind of suprised that the lord and savior god would dump on a movie before he'd even seen it, that doesn't sound too righteous in the ways of judgement.

there have been lots of good movies with boring trailers. you are being silly right now.

At 4:30 AM, Blogger one from many said...

For those who have commented that they don't understand, it seems they have forgotten you are jesus.

you will know them by their fruits.

Clearly, pedro's fruits are those strange little spiky fruits you see pop in your local produce section. You know the ones that no one eats, but occasionally people buy because they are from some distant land, and they look cool at first.

It's not a particularly rotten fruit, ala john waters, but more a rather confusing one that remains inedible after you chew on it for a while.

And to then comment that you only have these opinions because you're the American Jesus!

How come it has become acceptable to bash someone for being american and not understanding the sometimes insane babbling of certain artists from other countries.

This has been an elitist argument and tactic for over
two hundred years. Since the inception of our government, we've been dealing with these type of comments about "you're so quaint and colonial"

It is also a bit intolerant of other countries, when you feel obligated to blame a lack of understanding on someone's being american, instead of addressing the possibility that there has been a noisy dadist, meaningless exchange going on for some time in europe and that is what usually passes for art.

So I notice neither of you intelligently laid out why his movies are good.

Is there really a reason other than pretty, pretty pictures that move?

If so, please allow us understanding.

At 5:46 PM, Blogger Michael Battista said...

I'm not saying pedro's movies are good. I have not seen any of his movies, so I have no right to say that. All i'm saying is that it's ignorant to judge a film simply based on the trailer. If he had seen the movie, and was perhaps giving an actual review of the film, i would not have said a thing. but he hasn't seen it. He mentioned that many times. and bashing something before you fully experience it- that is uncool.

and, one from many, saying that we have not intelligently laid out why pedro's movies are good.... is it a good idea for you, then, to generalize about the "meaningless exchange" of foreign art without giving even one solid example of a poor work? I am puzzled by hypocrisy.

At 6:47 PM, Blogger Katie said...

Hey Jesus,

You and I have had our differences in the past, but I have to say that I completely have your back on this one.
I have sat through three Almodovar movies and I second your cry of "Never Again!"

I am not one to dismiss the favorites of critics as elitist or high brow, but Almodovar is one choice that leaves me baffled (in more ways than one).

Volver might be awesome (I doubt it), but I'm not seeing it. No. It would not be worth the distinct feeling of ill-use that has lingered around my head after previous Almodovar experiences.

Sorry for the rant Jesus, but I was happy to find that we agreed on this matter.

Otra vez, Jamas!

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