Open Letter To Volver Fans
Cut it out. Even if you loved it, cut it out. I have not seen Volver. I have only heard great things about Volver. I will not go anywhere near Volver. If a film I want to see is playing at a theatre also showing Volver, I will not go and wait to see it on DVD.
For those of you unfamiliar with Volver, it is the new Pedro Almodovar film starring Penelope Cruze currently has a 91% positive review count on Rotten Tomatoes. Ms. Cruze is apparently so good in this role that she has positioned herself as an Oscar contender.
Peter Travers of Rolling Stone says, “You don’t want to miss this one.”
Richard Roeper of Ebert & Roeper says, “It’s very moving, it’s beautifully done.”
Claudia Puig of USA Today says “Volver is suspenseful, clever, gently funny and always emotionally resonant.”
Jesus Christ of the King Of Kings says, “I’d rather watch Pedro Almadovar take a dump than watch another one of his films”.
Very rarely do I like it when people attack a film. Lots of My “followers” picketed Dogma. Some were enraged against The Davinci Code. Some with The Last Temptation Of Christ. I understand why they might get frustrated with those films. They portray Me in an uncomfortable light, and they are trying to protect Me. It’s cute. I don’t really think I need much protecting, and it might paint people who say they like Me unattractively, but it’s still kinda cute. But when films that truly deserve raging against the machine come out, most of you stay quiet, and that really gets to Me.
So, should people be upset about Volver?
Should people spread the word and tell others not to support such a film?
Is it sacrilegious and in poor taste?
Why then, should it be attacked?
That means you haven’t seen it?
But the reviews have been through the roof?
A bad preview doesn’t necessarily mean a bad film, and you usually side with the majority of critics on your film tastes, yet you won’t even give this a shot?
What, a lot of them are great! Are you nuts?
What about Women On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown?
What about Talk To Her?
Here’s what you are really saying if you tell friends and family to see Volver:
“We really don’t know each other too well.”
“I don’t really think you’d like this film at all, but I’d like you to associate me with pretentious films rather than Happy Feet, although you’d probably enjoy that film more, because I sure did.”
“I justify staring lustfully at Penelope Cruze’s cleavage for two hours by calling it art”
“I endure the taste of tofu.”
The preview alone is boring. Again, the preview is boring. Once more, the preview is boring. When I say things three times, I mean it people. This film looks painful! “Volver” is Spanish meaning “to return”, and if I ever saw this film, I’m sure I’d want “to return” the earth around a few on its axis ala Donner’s Superman and stop Myself from entering the theatre. See what I just did there? That’s a pun using the film title. Classic film criticism technique. Learn it. This film looks just terrible. I have sat through way too many Almadovar films due to wonderful reviews like many of the above, and I will not be making the same mistake again. Seriously, I’d rather see The Holiday than Volver. Wait, no I wouldn’t, but I’d rather watch lions tear Daniel apart than sit through Volver. I’d rather watch Moses say “Let my people go!” only the be promply arrested and beheaded than sit through Volver. I’d rather start re-creating all the insects by scratch than sit through Volver. I’d rather… you get the point, I have no desire to see this terrible looking film. What are the show times for Inland Empire?