Monday, January 09, 2006

Everyone's Different

Read Psalm 139. You are all unique. You are all special. You are all not going to enjoy good music.

It was hard mixing you all up to be original. It’s not easy. Want proof? Most males in the USA got for Christmas last year one of eight different Old Navy sweater options. I enjoy originality and difference of each of you. All the insects took Me a day, but I spend 9 months on each of you. What does this mean? It means not every human is going to get Neutral Milk Hotel. Some humans are going to listen to Yankee Hotel Foxtrot and think they are listening to radio static (and they might actually be right for some of it). Don’t knock those kiddies who enjoy Rob Thomas, I made them that way. You got a problem with Jason Mraz, you got a problem with Me.

Everyone’s a critic, and everyone’s critiques are a little off. That’s how I made you. For example, people exist who love both Enya and Sleater-Kinney. People exist who like both Kenny Loggins and the Boredoms. Clearly, a person with both of these musical tastes is a little off “true and perfect good taste in music. In the end, Pitchfork is great… but when it comes to judging, there’s only one opinion you’re going to be interested in (read My book, trust Me). It’s ok to like the new Weezer album. It’s ok to still play American Idiot really loud in your car. It’s not your fault you don’t get The Fiery Furnaces, I made you that way.

Anyway, inspired by the “Lone Star Statements,” an article from The Morning News that collected Amazon.com reader reviews of famous books that they gave only one star, below are some quote from one star listener reviews from Amazon on some of the music the Son of God considers to be just about perfect. This list is also proof that I like to spice your world up. After all, how boring would the world be if everybody thought OK Computer was genius? Or what if I made you all equally love Bo Bice (who I think is trying to steal my look, by the way)? It took me a long time to make up all your differences, enjoy them.

Amazon Reader One Star Reviews
Taken From Albums Jesus Christ Considers Nearly Blameless




Sufjan Stevens – Illinois

“How am I supposed to critique a CD when I can't even pronounce the guy's name? THUMBS DOWN!”

“Stevens is a weak singer-songwriter who sounds here like a pastiche of James Taylor and Brian Wilson at their very worst. Lyrical conceits fall flat, and the overtones of born-again-ness are teeth-grating. The tunes are lackadaisical, half-composed at best. Nothing here has any energy, and I can't detect any real emotion or commitment here… There is absolutely nothing here. Buying this is like buying a blank CD.”

“…I realized that if I wanted to succeed in my own personal career, I must hire a junior high band, downgrade my studio, and write songs that make no sense and I will make it as a professional musician. And I will get raving reviews…. The guitars, pianos, banjos, woodwinds were often flat and very unrhythmic. The production was horrible. ...The lyrics that were hyped up as deep were shallow and seemingly unrehearsed and the so-called "historisity" are bizarre stories that have no application to the listeners. I found no profound lyrics… I apologize to the die hard fans. Not because I may have offended you, but you have been brainwashed into thinking this is good. I couldn't take 1 album. I wonder what I would do with 50 of them... I hear they make good rifle targets.”




Wilco – Yankee Hotel Foxtrot

“I like straight-on songs without meandering meaningless intros. YHF does not fulfill on this criterion.”

“Am i missing something here? All i'm hearing is a bunch of bland country pop songs with a peppering of ambient electronica over the top… I could just imagine how unbeleivably dull Wilco would be live.”

“I can not for the life of me figure out what attracts some people to this album. It is absolutely horrendous… I can't put into words my displeasure listening to this… Critics jumped on this with good reviews due to it's ‘eccentric nature’, short-wave radio theme, and the band's trouble getting this album released. Don't be fooled by them, and avoid it at all costs.”


Radiohead – OK Computer

" ‘Greatest Album of the 90s’ huh? when there are no good songs or memorable melodies, it's definitly a problem. The problem I have with most Radiohead's work is it's just not catchy. I beleive that music IS music, that means there must be more to just lyrics being sung by the singer. There has to be a chorus, a verse, a memorable melody. Music is ENTERTAINMENT, listning to this album make me want to vomit, it's just not music. Because music is supposed to be catchy with a melody and a chorus. Tell Radiohead to include a chorus in their songs and a memorable melody then maybe I'll give their work a second thought.”

“radiohead the most over-rated depressing..self indulgent..idiotic whiney music ever this music is made for nerds or people who want to slit their wrists..it's so mind numbingly dumb yeah i know i must be missing something and something is wrong with my brain and i have bad taste in music boo hoo..well i don't have bad taste i just maybe have a brain which functions not on anti-depression drugs...”

“This is one of the worst records ever by one of the worst bands ever. Don't waste your money on this garbage. Just buy Synchronicity by the Police or Listen Like Thieves by INXS. Both bands and both albums are only about 300 times better than this crap.”





Neutral Milk Hotel – In The Areoplane Over The Sea

“…It's a mystery to me why people like this band so much. I mean... I understand that you have to like some things to be considered hip, but Neutral Milk Hotel cover up talentless bass playing by layering so much fuzz on the bass that there is a low-end buzz through the whole album that makes my teeth hurt.”

“ …the lyrics are nonsensical in the painful tradition of They Might Be Giants. In discussing this I have heard it argued that Jeff Mangum is working with very personal metaphors, but I don't see the value of indeciferable metaphors. Just as I'm not interested in James K. Polk (They Might Be Giants) I'm also not interested in the king of carrot flowers; in fact, the lyrics are distracting.”

“ Remember in that movie 'Deliverance' when the hillbilly says "squeal like a pig"?? I think the vocals of Neutral Milk Hotel (whatever that is supposed to mean/aside from random word association) SQUEAL. Seriously.”



R.E.M. – Murmur

“Imagine a lo-fi Kansas album without "Dust in the Wind", and that's what you have here…This early era of REM is embarrassingly bland and dull-- it reminds me of a subpar Kansas or Chicago release. This was a chore to get through. Only someone on pot could enjoy something so boring. And based on the other reviews here that compare Stipe to Christ, I'm sure many of you are using other kinds of "medicinal enhancement" as well.

“ I love REM but this just wasn't worth the money. Don't get me wrong I love their music and I suppose I wanted to "collect them all" but this changed my mind about that idea. I'm actually upset that saved up for this. Forget about this import and just save your money for the next album.”




Flaming Lips – Soft Bulletin

“A friend of mine recommended this by telling me that, at first listen, he thought this was the most trite and idiotic thing he'd ever heard. Then after repeated listenings, he turned around completely and thought it was a work of genius. Well, it never got past trite and idiotic for me. Add to that the facts that the synth sounds are hackneyed and outdated, the singer can't actually sing, and the lyrics sound like something a fourth grade sci fi geek would find only moderately clever, and you are left with a disc that has very little going for it.”

“ …they sound either like a really cheesy lounge band now ( in a really bad way) or just washed out weirdos from oklahoma. this album is not revolutionary at all! my goodness, the thing is so clear sounding its like it was produced by the same people as the backstreet boys! where has all the noise gone? where are all the out there lyrics, song titles? the first time i heard this album, by the time it was on the third song i was so mad and disappointed that i threw it at the wall! why did you let me down, flaming lips! why are all the great noisy bands no longer making noise? …please guys, make another good album so i wont be embarassed to wear your shirts anymore!...you wasted my money, thats for sure!...”

“This is the musical equivalent of going back to wearing diapers.”

The Pixies – Doolittle

“This also doesn't even deserve negative 0 stars! How ANYBODY can even say this is mediocre is way beyond me. For real ‘Indie Rock’, listen to The Killers or Bloc Party.”

“I agree with the last reviewer who said a Phil Collins for the Nineties not even as musically sophisticated as Phil Collins.This album puts me too sleep!”




The Shins – Chutes too Narrow

“dont pretend you like this wussy crap because i know you secretly don't.”

“I like a great pop hook as much as the next guy, but it just doesn't make sense to me that this album made multiple 'best of 2003' lists. There really AREN'T any great, or even good, pop hooks on this album...nothing innovative, interesting, catchy or important here. Move along.”

“Move over Radiohead, I think we may have a new contender for most overrated band ever. There are a few minor moments of musical worth on this album, but ultimately, most of this music isn't anything your 12 year old brother who just picked up his first acoustic guitar a month ago and has just begun strumming some standard chords couldn't write with little trouble. Do people just like the idea of listening to something that sounds completely unprofessional and talentless?”




Iron and Wine – Our Endless Numbered Days

“This recording should be sent to every dentist in the country. Musak for people who like to think they have taste, forced breathy singing ("Hey I'm as talented as Nick Drake") forced steel string guitar squeeks ("Wow, what a lifelike recording") pathetic Hallmark quality lyrics ("Hey I took a creative writing course, really"), and just to make you feel comfy, the songs are redundant.”

“If you like someone straining a whisper into a microphone as two acoustic guitars strum monotonous tones, you might like this. However, it gives me a headache. There isn't anything original here, and frankly it is very dull. And for those who love it, well, don't deny the truth. It is exactly that. A dude whispering into a microphone with two acoustic guitars playing dreary songs. Like I said, if you like that, more power to you. Me, I prefer innovation and a little more of something I can move to or at least use my imagination without wishing to put a bullet in my temple. I'll try listening a couple more times....but right now I have to see a psychiatrist.”

“Time must be passing me by and music evolving beyond my ability to appreciate, because I cannot fathom how anyone could like this ‘music’. Someone told me that this disk had a fuller sound than the other Iron & Wine CD's. If that's a full sound then I'm 10 feet tall. I couldn't get past song three before I took the CD out of the player. This CD is lifeless. This one's going back.”




Yo La Tengo – I can hear the Heart Beating as One

“My friend wanted me to check out this group, so I listened to her entire album and wait...I didn't cause I fell asleep. This is a group that has very boring music, and downtempo isn't the word for it.They need to step it up or get stepped on.”

“This band is so boring. What kind of bland,insipid people listen to this.”

“Calling this CD ‘monochromatic’ might be too interesting a word to use for something this boring and numbing…. Why do people continue to assert that YLT is a ‘great band’? Beats me. There's no proof of it here.”

22 Comments:

At 11:24 AM, Blogger Eric said...

Jesus, it is interesting that you posted all of those album covers upside down, I know you have a purpose in everything you do, I guess I just need to spend some time with you to figure that one out. Way to throw a brain-scratcher at me!

 
At 6:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

amazon is gay, and i cant imagine how gay the people who actually sit and write reviews for them can be. but props on your selection, flaming lips and pixies are a "god send' HA HA HA HA HA ROFFLE ROFL ROFFFLE!!!!!!!11

 
At 10:19 AM, Blogger Chris said...

jesus christ this is funny, jesus. nice work.

 
At 2:42 PM, Blogger Lizz said...

I guess I should expect brilliance from a deity, but props anyways :)

 
At 5:52 PM, Blogger jerry yeti said...

that was great! can't wait until we have more of you ideas on the Psalms.

 
At 6:08 PM, Anonymous nachos said...

i like kenny loggins and the boredoms...

japanese yacht rock forever, beyarch.

 
At 6:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't wait fo the afterlife.
Thank you Jesus. By the way, are you really Black?

 
At 1:16 PM, Anonymous kosmo vinyl said...

Checkout the one star reviews of "London Calling", "Carry On Up The Charts: The Best Of The Beautiful South" and the reviewer of "The Queen is Dead" who has a thing for Celion Dion and Bon Jovi and not afraid to tell everyone about it.

Top prizes goes to the reviewer who blasts with a two star review The Stooges first and praises "Funhouse". And the reviewer of the "Firefly" dvd who complains that Whedon took the Science of Fiction, because the series had cowboys in it and no aliens.

 
At 1:56 AM, Blogger Lons said...

Brilliant idea for a post. I fully intend to rip it off (giving proper credit to Your Holiness, of course...)

 
At 9:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I own about five of those cds that you posted...and I love them!

 
At 5:18 PM, Blogger sparkylulu said...

I am a jew and I find myself agreeing with Jesus on EVERY SINGLE ALBUM! Wowza!

 
At 10:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

^^ nice blog!! ^@^

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