Open Letter To James Cameron

James,

I recently heard the news that you found My body. Word on the street is that you and some friends were digging around and found My dead corpse of a body, alongside of My mom and the rest of the gang. You are going to release your findings in a documentary regarding the possible excavation of My body. When hearing this news, a few red flags immediately go up, and I’d like to share them with you.

1. This is what you were doing instead of helming Terminator 3?!!! It’s like you gave away your child to be babysat by the Paul Reiser character from Aliens, not caring that all of America was about to pay homage to your amazing Terminator films by purchasing tickets and watching your series be totally ruined by this lame finale. Thanks. That would be like Sam Raimi giving up the director chair of Spiderman 3 to McG. Or Bryan Singer giving up the director chair of X-Men 3 to Brett Ratner. Wait. You get My point.

2. If My body was really still down there, than that would mean I did not come back to life, thus not being actually the Son of God, but a liar. If I was lying about being God’s kid, then I would have no supernatural power to save your career after you turned in the screenplay for Rambo:First Blood Part II… but I did save your career after your script for Rambo:First Blood Part II. So if I am not the Son of God and using My love for you to propel your successful career, then how in the world did you rebound from that painfully awful script? Sure, the film made tons of money at the box office, but so did True Lies, and we both know there must have been some divine intervention for that one. I mean, look at that cast! Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jamie Lee Curtis, Tom Arnold, Bill “Chet” Paxton, Charlton Heston, and Tia Carrere... if this came out today, you’d be lucky to if it went straight to video. My point… I ain’t dead and you’re welcome.

3. James, it’s clear you are not whole. You are searching for something to make you feel whole and you can not find it. You were searching for Me when you thought you were searching for the body of Me. You thought you found Me, but you only found your possible future… a dried up corpse that nobody remembers. I am down there. You can find Me. But you won’t find Me in a tomb. You’re on wife #5. Love will not make you whole. You know this. You have the biggest film of all time. Success will not make you whole. You know this. This desire to be whole has lead you to become an adventurer. Humorously, these adventures lead you to literally be looking for Me. You are on the right path, just the wrong goal. Don’t look for My body, look for My heart. That is the only truly great adventure left, and that is the only way the mighty James Cameron will actually feel accomplished. To quote The Abyss, “you have to look with better eyes.”

James, I love you. I love your movies. I’m so excited to hear you’re directing again. Keep looking for Me, and one day we will meet. I’m knocking on a door that I know you are hearing. Unfortunately, you opened the wrong door and rushed in videotaping. Put down the camera and try door #2.

I love you,
The King of the World