What I've Learned
Jesus Christ loves reading Esquire Magazine. I have a subscription to a humorous amount of magazines, and Esquire is the one I usually get the most excited for. One thing they do that I love is the “What I’ve Learned” section, where they ask mostly cool old people who are dying to list what they’ve learned. They’ve never asked Me to contribute, so I made a list for you to read on My holy blog. Enjoy.
What I’ve Learned
By Jesus Christ
- God made your world and religious people will destroy it.
- Nobody will believe you if you tell them you’re going to get killed but then come back to life.
- Gatorade A.M. is basically just normal Gatorade with an annoying marketing strategy.
- Nobody likes an unexplained parable.
- Even if you have the ability to instantly restore sight to the blind by praying for it, the crowd really gets a kick out of you spitting in some dirt and rubbing it on the blind eye first.
- If you don’t consider yourself a leader, My Dad thinks you’d be great at it.
- Atheists better pray to God they’re right.
- Every day, people choose not to see Me.
- Television doesn’t get much better than the second season of Buffy.
- Nobody wants to wash your feet.
- If you were just badly beaten and dying, you will not find drinking vinegar refreshing.
- If you are trying to nail a person up on a piece of wood, nails through the wrist hold better than through the palm.
- Most people don’t trust Me.
- People hate to hear the truth. Weezer is underrated and Sonic Youth is overrated.
- People who practice what I preach tend to anger religious people.
- If a party is turning lame, bring out the good stuff.
- I don’t need you to do anything. The story isn’t about you.
- Belief that I am who I say I am rarely comes through debate.
- My Dad is to redemption as Kurt Busiek is to Superman.
- No matter how many different ways I tell you I love you, if you don’t deal with your sin then you won’t believe Me.