What I've Learned

Jesus Christ loves reading Esquire Magazine. I have a subscription to a humorous amount of magazines, and Esquire is the one I usually get the most excited for. One thing they do that I love is the “What I’ve Learned” section, where they ask mostly cool old people who are dying to list what they’ve learned. They’ve never asked Me to contribute, so I made a list for you to read on My holy blog. Enjoy.

What I’ve Learned
By Jesus Christ

1. God made your world and religious people will destroy it.
2. Nobody will believe you if you tell them you’re going to get killed but then come back to life.
3. Gatorade A.M. is basically just normal Gatorade with an annoying marketing strategy.
4. Nobody likes an unexplained parable.
5. Even if you have the ability to instantly restore sight to the blind by praying for it, the crowd really gets a kick out of you spitting in some dirt and rubbing it on the blind eye first.
6. If you don’t consider yourself a leader, My Dad thinks you’d be great at it.
7. Atheists better pray to God they’re right.
8. Every day, people choose not to see Me.
9. Television doesn’t get much better than the second season of Buffy.
10. Nobody wants to wash your feet.
11. If you were just badly beaten and dying, you will not find drinking vinegar refreshing.
12. If you are trying to nail a person up on a piece of wood, nails through the wrist hold better than through the palm.
13. Most people don’t trust Me.
14. People hate to hear the truth. Weezer is underrated and Sonic Youth is overrated.
15. People who practice what I preach tend to anger religious people.
16. If a party is turning lame, bring out the good stuff.
17. I don’t need you to do anything. The story isn’t about you.
18. Belief that I am who I say I am rarely comes through debate.
19. My Dad is to redemption as Kurt Busiek is to Superman.
20. No matter how many different ways I tell you I love you, if you don’t deal with your sin then you won’t believe Me.