Monday, April 24, 2006

Open Letter To Joe Simpson

Adam Green - Jessica Simpson.mp3

Dear Mr. Simpson,

Hey Joe, it’s me, your old friend Jesus Christ! Wassap, dawg?! Great! Ok, let’s get to the point. Your daughter is sliding downhill and you need to help her out. Is Jessica seriously considering starring in a “Baywatch”movie? Joe, Joe, Joe. Don’t let her do this! You are her manager, right? Manage her away from certain career irrelevance. Joe, your daughter can be funny. Have her chase after roles that are getting offered to ReeseWitherspoon, not roles that just want her in a bikini.

Joe, you were a youth pastor for over 20 years. Remember how screwed up you thought Hollywood was? Remember that? Remember when you thought that teens should be sheltered from some of that? Dude, what’s going on?! Remember how you would pray to Me so often about how you would like your kids to be safe from all that? Do you see where I’m going with this, Joe? Not only is your little girl becoming what you prayed so hard for her not to be influenced by, but she is now the one doing the influencing on other daughters around the world. You would not believe the amount of prayers I hear for you and Jessica.

Hey Joe, remember when Jessica was really modest and shy? Remember how you two felt that Christian labels were turning your daughter away because of her bust size (for the record, that wasn’t it)? Remember how you and Jessica would always talk about being good Christian role models in a world that so desperately needed role models? Remember when you two would put down Britney and Christina? How Jessica would become the anti-Britney?What happened, Joe? Was it the cash? Or maybe it was just too hard to stick to those guns?

Remember “Nick and Jessica’s Family Christmas”, that aired on ABC last December? Remember when, at the end of the show, with you and your whole family gathered around the Christmas tree, the camera pulled in onto Jessica and she explained the meaning of Christmas? Do you remember that? What’s the meaning of Christmas Joe? Was Jessica right? Is it about getting together with your family? Is the meaning of Christmas “family”, Joe? How’s family going?

Joe, I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed. You and Me had big plans! We would change the world! Well, you might still be trying to change the world, and it might be working… but you left Me back here, to clean up your mess. Joe, come back here. We can clean this up together. I can get you out of this mess. Let’s help your daughter. She’s better than this and you know it. Come back and let’s try again. I’m the King of second chances, Joe. You know this. You taught this. Come back and lets do things right. I love you, Joe, and I love your family. Come back to Me.

I love you,
Jesus Christ

Jessica Before - "Someone Believes In You" video

Jessica After - "Boots Are Made For Walking" video


At 6:39 PM, Anonymous dale said...

jesus, Jesus... shut the hell up!! Jessica belongs in a bikini - your dad gave her certain gifts... they need to be shared!!

At 11:59 PM, Blogger wwjblog said...

ahhh dale, that made me cough up milk on my robe... seriously! funny stuff. yeah, maybe i, to almost quote some painful radio country song, spent a little more time on her, but even hot people can do more than just look hot... sometimes. ok, maybe some people can only look hot because that's all i gave them (no names) but jessica could have been a contender! ...and still could in my mind. but she needs to get her act together and her dad could help her do that and im starting to repeat myself when really all i wanted to say was "that was a funny reply, dale".

At 1:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yo, Je, please shut your cakehole. She's two movies away from getting full on nude. You made us all to be unashamed of or bodies, so please don't interfere if her career sinks to the point where she's willing to show us the goods. Amen!

At 8:34 AM, Blogger wwjblog said...

well done, anonymous! you kinda said exactly what dale said, but you made your comment a little bit longer and not quite as funny. maybe you should be a screenwriter for crappy comedy sequels. i bet there's an audience for dum and dummest. just kidding, i love you!

At 8:12 PM, Blogger Lee said...

Holy crap Jesus, your response to anonymous...pure genius. Kudos (1)

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