Mountain Dew Reviews
Jesus Christ Reviews The Different Mountain Dew Flavors
You want to know what is important about the Son of God, read the Bible. You want to know what is not too important about the Son of God, read this blog. One thing not mentioned too often in the Good Book is My love for Mountain Dew. Of all the soft drinks/sodas/pops/tooth acid out there, Mountain Dew is easily My favorite. So you might be wondering, “Hey, Jesus Christ Son of Mankind, what are your thoughts on the other Mountain Dew flavors popping up at my gas station?” Well, Dearly Devoted, I’m glad you asked. Here’s a holy, righteous, and just review of all the flavors of Mountain Dew currently for sale (excluding slurpee flavors… sorry, completeist Blue Shock fans).
1. The Original Green Mountain Dew
Obviously, I’m a fan. The river that runs through Heaven is Mountain Dew. Always cold, always carbonated. This is the soda of the Gods, and by pluralizing that I’m referring to Myself in Trinity form. There is no better soft drink on Earth, and if you disagree then it is because sin in your world has messed with your taste buds. It’s Eve’s fault. Don’t hate the soda, hate the sin. Back in the day, I used to even wash My hair in this stuff to get that cool dreaddy but not dreads look. Liquid paradise. ***** Five Stars.
2. Code Red Mountain Dew
Is it possible to add more perfection to something already perfect? Could simply adding a little cherry flavoring make liquid perfection even better? Not really, but it is a wonderful attempt. It’s still great, but like Johnny Depp as Willie Wonka, it’s just not quite classic. If the original didn’t exist, this would be the world’s best soda, but the original does exist, so why bother… which reminds Me, if Jessica Simpson was a virgin before she married Nick Lachey, that how would she know if his penis was small? She keeps putting Nick down in the press regarding his penis size, like she should be able to to compare it to others. Certianly not Dane Cook’s… I remember when I made his boy parts and let’s just say it’s no Lachey. **** Four Stars.
3. Live Wire Mountain Dew
Something you might not know about dragons… they actually did exist, but only for about two months way before humans were around. They seemed a bit over the top so I had them go the way of the wooly mammoth and the monchhichi. Something you might not know about Live Wire Mountain Dew… it tastes like dragon piss. Something you might not know about dragon piss… it’s not half bad. Most people would think that piss from any sort of animal is not something you should put in your body, but honestly there’s not a lot of good that comes out of drinking soda either. Live Wire Mountian Dew is a lot like Shakira, you could do better but it’s not too bad and it’s fun to watch belly dance.
*** Three Stars.
4. Pitch Black Mountain Dew
Purple Mountain Dew is like is a lot like purple soda with out Mountain Dew… kinda fun but you wish you had some normal Mountain Dew. It’s borderline not even good enough to drink. If somebody offered you some Pitch Black Mountain Dew, it is almost bad enough to just ask for water instead. If you were to drink some Pitch Black Mountain Dew with out knowing what you were drinking, and it was in a cup where you couldn’t tell what color it was, you would probably drink it and then make an odd face and ask “what am I drinking?” and then somebody would tell you that it was Pitch Black Mountain Dew and you would just kinda shrug and then keep drinking it but probably not finish it and make a mental note that you are not too into Pitch Black Mountain Dew. ** Two Stars.
5. Pitch Black II Mountain Dew
Basically, this is like drinking a bad soft drink that somebody mixed in some sour stuff and gave to you as a joke. If you were to drink this without knowing what it was, you might instantly start freaking out that somebody slipped a terrible tasting date rape drug in your soda. I know what cicada piss tastes like because I know everything, and this soft drink is worse than cicada piss, which might not mean too much to you but all you angels out there who read this know what I’m talking about… this drink sucks! I’m puckering up and salivating uncontrollably just thinking about this torture! * One Star
6. Baja Blast Mountain Dew
A soft drink that you can ONLY get at Taco Bell should tell you something… and it should tell you that this drink is really gross. Imagine pouring your cup halfway with normal Mountain Dew, then fill the rest of the cup with watered down Seven Up, and you kinda get the idea on this soda pop. Imagine pouring your baby with half the genes of Kurt Cobain and half the genes of Courtney Love, and you kinda get the idea of this soda pop. Baja Blast is the Frances Bean of colas. ** Stars.
7. MDX Mountain Dew
A non-carbonated Mountain Dew energy drink that looks toxic and tastes toxic, too… but with more syrup. The river that runs through Hell is MDX Mountain Dew. It tastes like Mountain Dew that was opened and sat out in the sun all afternoon, then somebody brought it inside, mixed in a ton of powdered sugar, tossed in a few ice cubes and handed it to you so that you could drink it and get energy but really all you got was sick. When Satan bleeds, MDX Mountain Dew flows from the cut and into bottles for mass distribution. Why drink MDX when you can clip out your front teeth with fingernail clippers… it’s pretty much the same flavor, but cheaper. No Stars.
8. Amp Mountain Dew
Another Mountain Dew energy drink… but carbonated. Like Nickelback, it’s not nearly as bad as MDX Mountain Dew but still completely pointless and looks like a clean shaven labrador retriever in the “Far Away” video. It really almost tastes like normal Mountain Dew, so at first it isn’t too bad… but then the aftertaste hits you and makes you wonder if you just chewed up a bee and you’ll look down at your drink and wonder if a bee died in it and then you’ll make a dry gag face and put the drink down. You know that joke about Mountain Dew is found between Dolly Parton’s breasts? Well, that joke leaves a better taste in your mouth than this carbonated battery acid. If I was running a marathon and quickly stopped at a refreshment table that only offered Amp Mountain Dew or a cup of Tabasco sauce, I’d just keep on jogging because neither would really be too helpful while running a long race. ½ Star.
The Bluegrass Band - Good Old Mountain Dew.mp3