Thursday, February 02, 2006

Jesus Answers, Part 3

Daniel asked - I have a question. Did You "make" me choose you or did I have some choice in the matter? Also, I'm trying to follow You more every day but I seem to revert many times to bad habits. How many times can I ask for forgiveness before You stop listening to me?

Daniel, I picked you. End of story. Sometimes it is fun for you guys to think it was you that did the work, but I get all the credit… not to brag. As far as you reverting to your bad habits, cut it out. Seriously. I know you will always have trouble with sin, but the sooner you cut out the you know what, the better. However, you keep asking for forgiveness, I’ll keep shelling it out. What exact sin do you do that you think might be too big for My death not to cover? You’re forgiven. Say it with Me, you’re forgiven.


Anonymous asked – why did you make reefer?

Well, “Anonymous”, you really ain’t too anonymous to me… and with that odor following you around, more and more people are figuring you out. I made reefer because I thought it was cool. Don’t smoke it. If I got to hear one more time “if God ain’t for it, then why’d He make it?” I'm going to take out a whole monkey species. Just because I made it doesn’t mean you’re allowed to put it in your body. That’s like arguing “if God didn’t want us licking cat nipples, He wouldn’t have given us tongues.” Just say no to drugs. You might think I’m being prudish, but I know what I’m talking about. Weed makes you dumber, and you know this. I made you to be more relevant than some kid who thinks smoking weed makes you dangerous. You want to try something really wild, try following a voice inside your head that may or not be Me telling you to step out of your safe little comfort zone and give a dollar to the homeless. Sure, they might buy alcohol with that cash, but it isn’t about them. Grow up, anonymous, we could make a great team, you and I.


Robert asked, are the jews wrong? If yes, weren't you jewish? If no -- well I just can't wait to see your answer.

Good question Robert! Normally I like to answer tough tricky questions with a question of my own and then just back away for you to ponder alone in your own awkwardness… but I’ll knock this one out for you. Jews rule! Seriously, Jews rule. They win. I picked them. Why? Well, I had to pick somebody, and they were the underdogs at the time. That change yet? Jews totally get the hook up in Heaven, too. They get their own song and everything. Being Jewish is where it’s at. But (and you probably thought there would be a big “but” coming, well here it is) right now, the average Jew is a little confused as to who exactly I am… just like most everyone else. As long as they figure out how I fit in that puzzle of life and the afterlife, they are fine. Jews aren’t wrong, they are just sinners like everyone else, looking for a Savior to come. Some think He already showed up, some are still waiting. If you were a smart man, Robert (and I did make you to be a smart man, Robert), I’d read some info about the possibility of option one.


Anonymous asked, I now understand that in Your book, oral sex counts, but I wonder why and how you reached that determination. Is kissing ok? Holding hands? Touching through the clothes, under the clothes, in the dark, or in a box with a fox? Could I get a handie without remorse?

All you little horn dogs wanna know which base is safe, and honestly they are all good as long as there’s no sinning. If you think you can kiss with good thoughts going through your head, then go for it. But if kissing makes you think about ripping off some clothes, maybe you need to take a step back. The problem isn’t making out, the problem is trying to glorify Me in all you do. Now, this might sound weird as anything, but it is possible to make out and glorify Me at the same time. But this isn’t your glitch, Anonymous. You need to figure out if I’m really real. And if there is a God, could I really care enough about you to want a relationship with you. And it I do, would you want to be in that friendship with Me? You asked me if masturbating was a sin, and it is, but that is not the biggest God question that you should be wrestling with right now. Trust Me, we got feelings up here that make ejaculation pale in comparison. Wanna try that, focus on unseen for a bit. Let Me change your life.


Taylor asked, what artist is going to be the next big thing? Is another Sufjan going to emerge this year? I know you might not want to tell who because it'll be funner for us to find out on our own, but at least give us some kind of hint....

Well apparently not Grandaddy, RIP. Wretched world. Oh well, I’m ok with their decay. I’m not going to give too much away, but I think it is safe to say that 2006 will not be the year that Sufjan’s Iowa CD takes over the world. I’d love to seem some props get thrown Michael Stipe’s way, he did birth all your music after all, but it is not a perfect world. I think it’s also safe to say that 2006 won’t be the year of Bo Bice. All the angels are pretty excited to see what Radiohead pulls out of their rears this year. Because I’m God, I can channel in albums that never existed and give them a listen, and I must say My copy of the new Neutral Milk Hotel album has yet to leave my turntable.


Jeremy Sawatzky asked, do you like any "christian" bands? you know, artists on christian labels and whatnot... mercy me, third day, any of them? because they really like singing to you and about you, yet in my humble opinion, they really lack any musical talent/substance. but i could be wrong. what do you think?
Jeremy, I got bad news for you, I actually do love a lot of that Christian stuff, but really only just because I get a kick out of it when people write stuff about Me. Now, loving and liking can be two totally different things, and as far as me liking that kind of stuff, no I really don’t much like it. Give me some Pedro the Lion over Third Day any Day. In fact, that Third Day wasn’t even supposed to be a band. I gave that dude one good song, that “Love Song” song, and he went off thinking he could make a whole career out of the talent I gave him. Christians like to take something great out of the culture, suck the sin out of it, and make a sugar-free replica of the same thing that is now safe for the kiddies. Never mind that the average kid likes some danger in their music. I still blame the rise of Pearl Jam for the success of Third Day, which is like Eddie Vedder without his soul. Over The Rhine loves Me. Give me some Damien Jurado over Third Day any Day. I see more proof of My existence in a Ween cd than in a Mercy Me album. Lately, Jesus Christ has been going through a huge Ween phase. Ween and Muse. Is that weird? Ween, Muse, and Sandi Patty.

10 Comments:

At 10:54 AM, Blogger Daniel said...

Thanks for answering my questions Jesus. I've been leaning more toward the idea of You being the One who does the choosing but that limited atonement thing snags me.

Thanks for the forgiveness as well. I know, I know.

Also Muse is awesome. Will there be Muse-type music in heaven?

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger wwjblog said...

dan, there already is muse-type music in heaven. youre gonna like it here.

 
At 5:20 PM, Anonymous Jere said...

I love you Jesus!

 
At 5:24 PM, Anonymous J-Baby said...

Jesus, who loves Canada more...You or Buddha?

 
At 1:18 AM, Blogger heather said...

jesus, thank you so much. you are right on target and i am lovin' the way you say things. straight up. you are my favorite.

 
At 11:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sandi Patty!? Jesus, you really are hilarious.

 
At 11:41 AM, Blogger Jenn said...

Jesus, you are so cool. Would you be my boyfriend?

 
At 1:07 PM, Blogger Casey Dorrell said...

Love this

 
At 3:09 PM, Anonymous curt said...

Well, Jesus, I hate to question you (lighting bolts and all that), but did you just miss my question? I asked about how do I decide about what I should do about my calling or vocation or whatever. If you didn't miss it and you just dodged it, well, I don't even want to think about that. I mean, how would you handle a really tough question, like, what happens to those people who don't hear about you, those who never hear your message? Do they do to hell? Is there a middle ground for those people? If you can only answer one, answer the first one. thanks

 
At 11:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus, Thanks for forgiving all my sins and thanks for dying for my sins....
Jesus please bless me and my husband with a child of yours for which we are desperately waiting since years....Show he miracle that You can do it but not any one can....please jesus please

 

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