Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Jesus Answers, Part 1

Eric asked, “Jesus, why did you and the Father create fire ants? Regular old black ants are fine, they do the same stuff, but they do not bite! Why the biting Jesus?”

Great question, Eric! Your picture makes you look like the dad on Veronica Mars. Now, regarding your question… as you well know, if you fall down stairs, it’s sad. If your friend falls down stairs, it’s hilarious! Now, I originally did not make biting red ants with the intention that they would kill, but we definitely have people up here who, when asked how they got up here, awkwardly have to bring up biting red fire ants. But, I originally made this world to not have sin in it and then you humans wouldn’t have to die, so biting red ants were solely for comedy purposes. Sure, those bites sting, but you’ll get over it, and we really get a kick out of watching you jump all over the place. So, the short answer, I thought they’d be funny, sorry they can kill, blame Eve.

ismateo asked, “Jesus, why does MTV suck so bad?”

Wow, ismateo, you’re going for the jugular with this one! The short answer, $. The long answer, not everyone likes music as much as you. The average human just really doesn’t care that much about if the music the masses listen to is good or not. What sells works for the average person. Humans have settled. However, the short answer is the correct one, money buys your video air time. If you don’t have the money, they aren’t going to bother with you. Granted, the “video air time” I’m talking about is between 4 am and 8am. You would think that if a channel dedicated to golf could work, so would a channel dedicated to smart videos made my smart musicians for fans of smart music, but until then, you are stuck using the web as your own music television. God Bless “Good Weather For Air Strikes.”

Taylor asked, “Jesus, why does everything taste like chicken? were you tired of making up new tastes and just stuck with chicken for a while... Also, why my girlfriend wants to know what the deal with platypuses is. Everyone says they're "God's Joke", so is that true or do you have a more divine purpose for them?

Taylor, you need to back off with that chicken comment. Sure, chicken is the vanilla of meat flavors, but that’s what I made spices for. As for everything else tasting like chicken, you obviously have never tried a White Castle burger… or poop. Then again, maybe you have tried poop. Remember that, Taylor, when you were so upset because your pacifier fell out of your mouth and you couldn’t find it and you were screaming and crying but you weren’t able to wake anybody up and you were so upset and your hand slid down your diaper? Bet that didn’t taste like chicken, Taylor. Of course, you don’t remember that. You think I’m just being silly. Go ahead, think that. But, you’re welcome.

As for your platypuses question (way to spell that, by the way. I made only 30% of mankind able to spell that word), I honestly think they’re cool. I could argue that I was being creative, but really I didn’t put too much thought into it. I’m surprised by how much press they get. As for “a divine purpose” for them… nope. When the world ends, they burn. I guess it could be cool if they are some sort of key that bridges the gap between Heaven and Earth, but I already sorta did that (figure out the puzzle and you win!). I love you Taylor, don’t fool around too much with that lady friend.


At 8:39 PM, Blogger Eric said...

Thank you for answering my question Jesus. The picture is actually of Isamteo, he was one line below me. I love your sense of humor Jesus, when it is not biting me on the foot.


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