Thursday, January 26, 2006

Jesus Answers, Part 2



Kunt Puppet asked, “Why doesn’t anyone visit my shitty blog?”

First of all, way to pick one of the hardest worlds for mankind to say as your Blogger name! So my peeps don’t freak out, I’m going to have to call you K-Pupp, which you must admit is kinda cute. Anyway, K-Pupp here wants to know why nobody visits his blog, entitled 1-800-SASSBUCKET.COM. That’s an easy one, K-Pupp, your blog is pretty boring. No offence, but blogs are a dime a dozen. I’m Jesus Christ and I get probably 1/1000 of the numbers of daily visitors Stereogum gets (not counting prayers, take that Stereogum!), and that’s because that guy constantly updates his site with fun and interesting stuff which the masses enjoy reading. Your blog just doesn’t offer too much of anything that other blogs don’t. I mean, come on, you didn’t even have a Cat Power entry! And you call yourself a blogger. Just kidding there K-Pupp. The fact that you don’t have Cat Power is a good thing, but if you want us to keep coming back, you will probably have to post some stuff readers would want to know. You are a funny guy, K-Pupp, maybe just talk about how your day is going? Your humor might bring the people back, but probably not your top 5 album list. Pray to Me about it and maybe I’ll help you out. I love you K-Pupp, remember that.


Beej asked, “Are you angry with those people at the Methodist church who didn't love those girls into a better place? Or is it more like sadness? Or maybe you are laughing at what they seem to be missing?”

I believe Beej here is referring to an earlier post of Mine entitled “Baltimore Hooker Incident" No, Beej, I’m not mad. It’s definitely more of a sadness than an anger thing. You gotta remember, Beej, I’m the guy who explained who I was time after time to my disciples for thee years and they still had trouble figuring out what they were supposed to do. Top two Commands, love Me and love others. Easy to type, just about impossible for you humans to do. Lots of you humans, as I like to put it, “just don’t get it,” and unfortunately that goes for My “self proclaimed followers” too. You’re doing alright though, Beej. Keep your head up. You did good today.


Coco asked, “So, me and my friends are having pizza at three in the morning, and the subject of whether God exists or not comes up, and it turns to the idea of morals. It's a very long, complicated argument, that I didn't follow completely because I wasn't entirely sober. Anyways, one of my friends, a devout Catholic, says that God MUST exist because most humans have a code of morals, regardless of their faith. Another, an agnostic, says that we developed a set of morals and values as a means of survival in order to facilitate group cooperation’s. My question is this: Why does eating pizza at three in the morning make me feel like taking 15 antacids when I wake up the next day?”

Dude, Coco, the problem wasn’t the pizza. Slow down on the booze. Sure, even I drank, but there weren’t too many options back then (although, when I drank out of tinted cups, I’d sometimes turn the lake water into Tab). However, if you are still going to think that drinking is where its at, at least drink some water too while your drinking alcohol. That will help the acid feeling. Loved your question, by the way. I remember that conversation very well. The Catholic was right but I make it seem like the agnostic is right. I like to do that kind of stuff. Keeps you guessing. Keeps your on your toes.


Anonymous asked, “Why is my girlfriend convinced that she shouldn't let me hit it or she'll go to hell? If she's a true believer shouldn't she realize that you'll forgive her? Also, could you please explain to her that oral sex doesn't count!”

Oh Anonymous, Anonymous. Do you really think if you put your real first name your mom is going to figure out that this was you? Trust me, she aint reading this blog. And you aren’t at all Anonymous to me, you frightened child. Anyway, Anonymous, your girlfriend doesn’t really think if you hit it then she’ll go to Hell, however she does think that sex is special and holy and just doing it one night because your horny isn’t quite what I had in mind when I created you. If you want it that bad, dump her. I’ll find you a girl less pure that you can mess your life up with. Few girls are left down there who are still want to be at least a little bit innocent, leave her alone. And just for the record, and you are not going to like this, in My book, oral sex totally counts. Sorry Anonymous, I know I made you with those urges, and it’s a tough environment for you to live in with so many thinking that casual sex isn’t that bad. It’s hard down there on your own. Good luck.


Cassandra said, “Jesus, what comes first...faith or regeneration?”

Wow, is that a religious play on the Chicken or the Egg classic? You’re funny, Cassandra. To answer your question, the first step to regeneration (in this case I’m defining that as a spiritual rebirth) is believing that regeneration is possible and then acting upon that belief. Belief in action is faith. But don’t worry about this Cassandra, I love you and that’s all you need worry about. Just spend time with Me and everything will work out.


Lizz asks, “Jesus, it you could hook up with a chick, in a completely holy way, who would it be and why? And why did the xrays Jack was looking at in the doctor's office date Nov. 6, 2005, is the survivors have been on the island since sept 2004?”

Lizz, I love the 2 z’s. Holy hook ups, I like it. Seriously, and I know this is going to sound cheesy, but seriously it’s what’s inside that counts. But I know what answer you’re looking for and I think that one actress who played my mom in the Mel Gibson movie is just about all pretty as I make those Hollywood babes. But know this Lizz, you’re a looker, too… but I don’t want to creep you out. Bear with me a minute though, I think you are not only beautiful but perfect. I remember sewing you together in your mothers womb, and you are a masterpiece. It took six days to make this world, but nine months to make you. You are art. If you think I’m lying, remember who you’re talking to. Satan is alive and well, Lizz. He wants you to think that you are average looking at best… but he lies. He’s tricky. Download “Mirror” by Clem Snide. That’s Me talking to you. As for that “Lost” X-ray, oops. Humans make mistakes, back off. You “Lost” fans have too much time on your hands. Sure, the x-rays were a flub, but they don’t even lose weight for crying out loud! The fat guy looks fatter now then last season. Where’s Kate getting all those different shirts? Where’s the beards? What’s my point? Don’t sweat the small stuff, look past the glitches, and enjoy it (or maybe I’m just covering up the fact that you almost have cracked the mystery and I’m trying to throw you off the case).

13 Comments:

At 9:43 PM, Anonymous curt said...

OK. I love your answers. You are very insightful even for the Son of God. So here's my question. As you probably know, I am having trouble figuring out what I want to do with my life. I can't seem to find a good job. How should I go about finding the right career or calling or whatever?

 
At 10:47 AM, Anonymous Beej said...

that link is STILL Jews for Jesus Blues....

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger Daniel said...

I have a question.

Did You "make" me choose you or did I have some choice in the matter?

Also, I'm trying to follow You more every day but I seem to revert many times to bad habits. How many times can I ask for forgiveness before You stop listening to me?

 
At 2:05 PM, Blogger wwjblog said...

ha ha funny joke, i switched the mp3 to the right one now.

 
At 5:36 PM, Anonymous Beej said...

You're so funny Jesus.

 
At 8:05 PM, Blogger Jenn said...

I think I have a crush on Jesus.

 
At 7:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WHY DID YOU MAKE REEFER?

 
At 1:33 PM, Blogger Robert said...

Are the jews wrong? If yes, weren't you jewish? If no -- well I just can't wait to see your answer.

 
At 2:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for answering My question, Jeeeesus. I now understand that in Your book, oral sex counts, but I wonder why and how you reached that determination. Is kissing ok? Holding hands? Touching through the clothes, under the clothes, in the dark, or in a box with a fox? Could I get a handie without remorse?

I know you're the all-knowing, but I think you've got me mixed up with someone else. I agree with you that sex is special, and it should be saved for deep and committed relationships -- but in that situation it can be pretty fun. Is there a really such a difference between people that share copious amounts of trust, who are not planning on rolling in the hay with someoen else anytime soon -- and those that head over to your house and slap some bling on each others fingers?

I'm sorry brah, this is getting pretty long. Would it be ok if I bought myself dinner and a movie before I took advantage of myself in the privacy of my own bedroom? Since you know Tom you probably know that I wouldn't tie myself up or anything weird like that. Just some self-lovin' to satisfy those urges you cursed/blessed me with.

 
At 6:35 PM, Blogger Taylor said...

What artist is going to be the next big thing? Is another Sufjan going to emerge this year? I know you might not want to tell who because it'll be funner for us to find out on our own, but at least give us some kind of hint....

 
At 2:05 PM, Blogger Robert said...

Taylor -- I don't think 2006 is going to need a "new sufjan". We've got new albums dropping from Wilco, Outkast, Radiohead, Flaming Lips, The Shins, Strokes, Arcade Fire, Broken Social Scene, and Built to Spill. I'd also think there's a good chance that Sufjan could drop one in the fall.

2006 is going to be a great year for music.

Jesus might disagree, though.

 
At 3:37 PM, Blogger jeremy sawatzky said...

do you like any "christian" bands? you know, artists on christian labels and whatnot... mercy me, third day, any of them? because they really like singing to you and about you, yet in my humble opinion, they really lack any musical talent/substance. but i could be wrong. what do you think?

 
At 1:13 AM, Blogger greatbizetter said...

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