Monday, March 13, 2006

The Name Is Christ, Jesus Christ

There have recently been many prayers heading My way regarding something that seems very important to many of you. I have been hesitant to answer many of you, hoping you would not need My help with this. But the prayers keep coming My way, so I have decided to use My faithful blog to answer the devoted that keep looking for more answers to that thing called “life”. Did that sentence kinda sound like a Prince quote to you, dearly Beloved? Anyway, let’s get to the meat, shall we?

Many of you have been asking, “So, Jesus, will this Daniel Craig make a good ‘James Bond’? I’m nervous.” Have no fear, My kiddies, Mr. Craig should do just fine.

As many of you know, the new actor hired to play James Bond has stirred up quite an uproar. He’s too ugly. He’s not famous enough. He’s done nothing great. He’s short. He’s in “Tomb Raider”. A lot of you people are pretty peeved. Some have even started a website against it. has made worldwide news as it rages against the machine. Which makes Me just have to ask… where were they for the last 6 disasters that were called James Bond movies? I mean, come on! These movies have been awful! I’m a God of love and it is hard for Me to get over My righteous anger I have for how terrible this franchise has become. ANGER!

First of all, Daniel Craig is the man. I mean for crying out loud, I made him look like Steve McQueen! That not cool enough for you people? Please. Pierce Bronsnan, back in his Bond days, looked like a perfect male model. What kind of guy wants to watch that?

Matt Damon’s “Bourne Identity” movies looked like Shakespeare compared to the trash that Bronsnan was doing in those Bond movies. Who wants a prettyboy action hero? Connery and Moore were kinda okay looking studs, that totally become supercool because of how well they played Bond. Connery’s older than dirt and he still gets more tail than most of you. And these guys were cool, not pretty like Bronsnan. That’s why so many people liked watching Jared Leto getting his face bashed in during “Fight Club”. Pretty boy takes a pummeling. That’s why men like Brad Pitt now, because the pretty boy from “Legends Of The Fall” took a pummeling in films like the aforementioned and in “Snatch”. You like your action heroes a little beat up and a little rough. Bronsnan would parachute into a convertible and his hair would still be perfect. Wouldn’t you love to see Pitt beating the blood out of Bronsnan’s face in a ring? Yeah you would! That’s sin in the world, baby!

Which brings Me to Daniel Craig. If you are complaining about his hiring and you have yet to see “Layer Cake”, shut the H up. Rent that movie and if you still got complaints about Craig as Bond, then You got something wrong in your head because I made all men the ability to see how insanely cool this actor is, and “Layer Cake” is hands down cooler than any Bond movie since Walken was a Bond villain.

All that being said, I’d still think it would be safe for you guys to fully prepare for this new Bond movie totally sucking. The problem is that action films have evolved from the Bond of old and what used to be considered great action cinema has now slid down into the camp B movie action comedy. I mean, could you imagine pulling off and getting away with tuning Bond Asian by tossing on some dark make-up and then watching him successfully infiltrate an Asian crime underworld. That actually happens in the Bond flick “You Only Live Twice”… and at the time, pulled it off as normal and cool. And no matter how cheesey those “Matrix” sequels were, at least there wasn’t any wannabe cool one liners or sex puns. I mean, sex puns! How can sex puns still be cool in an action film? I’m sorry, but Jesus Christ, Son of God can only stomach the action hero saying puns if it is supposed to be tongue in cheek. That being said, why are there so many Bond movies and only 3 Evil Dead flicks? Give Bruce Campbell the sex puns and the cheesey one liners and I’m eating it up! Give them to Bond, and don’t expect Me to think it is an A-Game Hollywood action flick.

Glad I got that off My chest. Before I wrote this, I read the latest Rolling Stone Magazine with an article by Rob Shefield trying to tell Me that nobody wants a gritty Bond, and, well, it pushed Me a little over the edge. I say ITS ABOUT TIME you guys threw some grit into that character, and Daniel Craig is one of the few actors I feel could pull it off. Wreched Rolling Stone Magazine! That magazine is like a white washed tomb, I tell you. Why do you people still put up with how terrible that magazine has become. But that is another sermon for another time. I’m off to try to get two 6 year old twin brothers in Switzerland to quit fighting in their room. Love you guys. Peace out.


At 11:56 PM, Blogger Casey Dorrell said...

Wow, Jesus is mad prolific today. Some good points there too.

Just wanted to say that I enjoyed your cameo on the Colbert Report. That guy's got your back. And so do I.

At 12:42 PM, Anonymous mjrc said...

You slay me, Jesus, you really do. The title alone was worth the read.

And can you give me the date of the aforementioned Colbert Report cameo? I've got to check this out.

Thanks, and keep up the love.

At 7:48 PM, Anonymous Collie said...

Wow, thanks for that photo, Jesus. Daniel Craig is pretty hot. And here I thought they'd picked another boring-looking guy to play Bond.


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