Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Heath and Me

The heart of Jesus is breaking all the time. It comes with the job. If I am going to know the hearts of man, it’s going to hurt. I just saw the image above, and it breaks My heart. Allow Me to explain.

I have a book. It’s more like a journal, but I call it the Book Of Life. This book is really just a list of names, along with the date. Whenever Myself and a human become friends, I add their name in the book and the date in which the person asked Me into their life. The book is a big deal because it will be next to My Dad when He is deciding who to let into Heaven. Because Heaven is perfect, He can only let in perfect people. This can be difficult for most people because as soon as they do one stupid thing, there is nothing they can do to make themselves pure again. If anybody has ever missed the mark and screwed up, they are not allowed into the eternal Kingdom of God.

However, there is a loophole. Hi. Nice to meet you. I’m your Loophole. Right before I died, My Dad put all the bad stuff that has ever happened in the world into Me. Every time you put yourself before God and others. Everything you did that tried to lift yourself up like a God. That one time your mom told you not to touch something, but you did anyway. All that was placed into Me, and then I was murdered with all of it locked inside Me.

The loophole is simple. If you want My death to also count for the death of your sins, just ask. I already did it, so it’s no big deal. My Loophole is a gift to you. I offer you purification. Just say “thanks”. Once you and I are pals, I write your name in My Book Of Life. When you die, there’s a trial. God looks at your life to see if you were able to stay perfect, since only perfection can be allowed into perfect Heaven. Most likely, you’re going to screw up. And just as My Dad will sadly deem you not worthy, I’ll jump in for you. I’ll tell My Dad that it’s all good. That you and I are pals. I’ll show the court My Book Of Life with your name and date written in it. And God smiles. And you smile. And then We lead you through the gates where angels have written you a song specifically for you. It will be the most beautiful song you have ever heard. You will see faces of old family and friends looking so happy you made it in. You will see gold and you will see diamonds. And you will see God shining like the Sun. And you will run to Him. And you will know Love.

Heath did this last night.

19 years ago, He and I had a conversation while he was lying in bed. We became friends. We really didn’t talk much after that. I wish we talked more, but most people think they are fine on their own. I love him though, and although we rarely talked, that night I put his name in My book.

Do not let anyone tell you whose names are written in My Book Of Life. That is between Me and that person alone. They have not seen My book. Lot’s of people read My biography and have trouble with it. There seems to be a lot of information in there that can confuse some of My followers. So, I will simplify it again for some of My followers who might be a little confused.

Love Me. Love others. My Father will judge and condemn.

Homosexuality is a cause of sin. So is stealing. So is talking back to your parents. So is hitting. So is gluttony. I don’t see too many people picketing the funerals of the overweight. Please stop picking the sins you think are damnable. We’ve got it all figured out. You just work on loving Me and loving others, and We will take care of the justice. I know you are trying to do the right thing. I know you are trying to follow Me. I spoke nothing about homosexuals while on Earth, but I spoke a lot about loving broken people. I spoke a lot about how to love broken people. You might want to re-read some of that. We have a video of your whole life, too. Out of control on video tape.

Now, Heath Ledger is perfect. Now, Heath Ledger is pure. Let his family and friends celebrate that without being reminded that a lot of Christians are still pretty broken.

And despite this quote on the WBC flyer, “God hates the sordid, tacky bucket of slime seasoned with vomit known as ‘Brokeback Mountain’”, I loved that movie. That quote sounds more like My A Knight's Tale review, but Brokeback Mountain was great.

Friday, January 18, 2008

The Rise and Fall and Rise of Juno

Juno is an almost perfect film. I know this because I know perfection. I am perfection. Juno is almost perfection. Which is what makes the current Juno backlash so fascinating. There is a growing amount of people that are arguing that Juno was just above average, that Juno is well acted but overwritten.

Some of these people feel threatened by Juno. It’s too sweet. It’s too simple. It’s too pushy. It’s too one-liner-ie. Nobody talks like how Juno talks. Some people are too cool for Juno. Some people are not cool enough for Juno. Some people just can’t admit to liking a cute film. People will loudly proclaim that they did not like Juno, and by saying so feel like they are making a stand. Some people are just angry people, and have a hard time standing behind anything that isn’t angry. For example, you would have trouble finding someone who hates both Juno and South Park.

There are Facebook groups with such titles as “I Hate Juno”, “Juno Is A Horrible Movie”, “Juno What Blows, This Movie”, “Juno, The Great Disappointment”, and four groups all with the title “Juno Sucks”. The popular movie news website Joblo, despite one of their reviewers earlier giving it a 9.5 out of 10, just ran an article by one of their writers about how they didn’t like Juno. Internet Movie Data Base is also swamped with people who are excited to rage against Juno, with over 80 one star reviews. Here are some quotes, which I will keep anonymous:

“It tried way to hard to be cool and be liked rather than be a good movie. Even though im a fan of Iggy Pop, Sonic Youth, Dario Argento etc. it was way to obvious that those references were randomly placed in the movie to seem cool. And just because The Shins got popular off Garden State, that doesnt mean that you should try and do the same with The Moly Peaches. It was also painfull to listen to Juno and her friend talk. Yeah, we got it. . . you want the dialouge of Napolean Dynamite so you can make all of the money off t shirts and dolls, but you wanna be remembered like Garden State. God this movie was dissapointing.”

“Juno's voice and dialogue were fkn painful to endure. I cringe imagining wannabe hipster kids quoting all those crappy, pseudo-cutesy/clever catchphrases from this abysmal waste of time. There's a difference between using slang to make a movie seem realistic and using it as a series of glorified, flat one-liners, and Juno definitely hit solely the latter of the two.”

"Juno is so overrated I could cry."

“Plays like an ad for the anti-abortion movement.”

“The only reason this movie deserves a 1 is because the scale doesn't go down to zero or negative numbers. This was literally the worst movie on the planet. I would rather see a movie with talking animals than this movie. The best part of the movie was when it ended although the darkness in the theater helped me get a good nap. The writer of this clearly had a great public school education because this movie idea probably came when she was taken a deuce and looked down to see a script. I think if you had the choice between this movie and any other movie, take the other one. If it's between Juno and a family reunion, go to the family reunion, your Uncle Bob probably hasn't seen you in a long time anyway. If it's between Juno and giving blood, give some blood, it'll make you feel charitable. If it's between Juno and a slow and painful death, it really doesn't matter which way you choose because those are the same. This was the only movie I have ever spent sleeping the first 30 minutes and then listening to my IPOD the last hour. And whatever you do, don't see it with someone you're going out with. If it's a guy, he'll want to get you pregnant, and if it's a girl, well, you'll want to get pregnant. I think it's best for your unborn child and for your well being to try to get a restraining order on Juno and if that turns out to not be possible, just burn down any movie theater that is showing Juno, trust me, it's worth the jail time.”

Now some people might argue that everyone is different and that I made people to have different likes and dislikes, and this is true. It is also true that a select few out there fit in the category entitled “People God Made That Will Not Be Able To Enjoy Juno”, but that is a very short list. So then, if God didn’t make so many Juno haters, what is going on with this backlash?

Simply put, most people have insecurity issues.

If you know somebody who really didn’t like Juno, they probably think about themselves way too much. They worry way too much about how others perceive them. With so many people are thinking about themselves, there’s hardly anyone left to think of others. Ellen Page plays a character that is almost to fun and charming for many people, and they see in her what they are not. If you are more excited to shout out to anyone how you disliked Juno more than other films, than you should really wrestle with how you became that way. What are your thoughts of Beowolf? What did you think of National Treasure 2?

Why does Juno offend more than other films? Because if you admit to liking it, you are admitting that you thought it was cool. In a way, this puts the film above you on the coolness scale. If you didn’t think it was all that, even though most all film critics loved it and Ebert called it the best film of 2007, if you thought it was “just alright”, then you can attempt to feel cooler than this film. But that has nothing to do with Juno at all, and everything to do with you feeling like you are something special and unique. I did make you special. I did make you unique. But I also made you to enjoy Juno, and it breaks My heart when you go against how you were made.

To the two of you reading this who are one My short list of “People God Made That Will Not Be Able To Enjoy Juno”, this post is not for you. I love you, now go watch Alvin And The Chipmunks again.

Monday, January 07, 2008


Every so often, somebody likes to yell at Me in My blog comments. Rarely do I respond via this blog. However, I would like to respond a recent comment, which I have copied and pasted below. The comment was as follows:


And now, My response…

Dear Anonymous,

I have created your world and your life. I have loved you ever since I made you in a special place. While creating you, I placed in your heart a set of morals. I remember the morals which I gave you, and I remember specifically placing in those morals the rules of when and when not to excessively use your caps lock key. You clearly went against your own heart which I made for you when you went against your better judgment and typed your whole comment in capitol letters. You know this is wrong, and yet you do it anyway.

Unfortunately, Anonymous, you live in a world surrounded by people that go against the seeds of righteousness I have planted in their hearts. When the world turned against Me, the world fell apart. Why the suffering? Why the Hurt? Why the excessive use of the caps lock key? The answer is only three letters long… S.I.N.

I’m sorry that you have to wrestle about Me in a world so screwed up. The good news is I did something about it. I’ve created a place better than where you’re stuck, a place where suffering doesn’t even exist. I also made a way for you to get up here. If you want in, and believe in Me you do, then calm down on your caps lock key and keep searching for the truth. At the end of your journey, you’ll find Me with My arms spread wide open. That’s a cross reference, get it?

I died for you. I died for your excessive caps lock key use. I died for your anger. I’m sorry you are hurting. You won’t be much longer. I love you. Read My biography and we’ll chat.

Jesus Christ

Anybody else got anything they want to vent My way? Drop Me a line and maybe I'll respond back in blog format.