Friday, April 28, 2006

Jesus Loves Eef Barzelay

I am mentioned or referenced to a surprising amount in rock and roll music. So much so, that it seems that the indie rock band with My name in a song title is pretty cliché. One band that seems to mention Me more often than most, yet never falls prey to using Me only as a cheap attempt of bite, wit, or social commentary is Clem Snide. It has been well documented on My blog that I absolutely love Clem Snide. They have put out some of My favorite albums of the past 10 years, and “Your Favorite Music” is easily up there on “Albums of Perfection” list (for the record, the only albums that make it into heaven are the albums that make it in My book of “Albums of Perfection”. If you make My “Book of Life” list and like Clem Snide, Heaven just got a little bit nicer for you). Clem’s lead singer, Eef Barzelay, just came out with a solo album that you should own by now. I shot Eef an email of questions and he was game enough to reply back. Thanks, Eef! You don’t know this, but last year I took the form of a human to go to a Clem Snide show and you pulled a group of us on stage to sing “I Love The Unknown” with you. I sang verse 2. Thanks for the great night! Here’s the Jesus Christ and Eef Barzelay interview…

JC: Hey Eef, you talk about Me in songs all the time, we friends or are you just fooling around with Me?

Eef: I think you may be a little too passive aggressive for us to ever really be friends.

JC: Hey Eef, don’t you feel like every episode of Scrubs could use a Clem Snide tune in it?

Eef: Maybe every other episode and for sure during sweeps week.

JC: Hey Eef, in the song “Long Lost Twin”, you kinda mostly repeat the same lines over and over, so why is that song still so good?

Eef: Because because becaase becoos becoost bicorn bitcrucher.

JC: Hey Eef, if you could form a sort of indie supergroup ala The Traveling Wilburys, and the band could only have 5 members total, would you?

Eef: No, I rock alone (for now).

JC: Hey Eef, that song "Jews For Jesus Blues" is amazing! Should I love it or should I maybe be offended?

Eef: "A doubtless faith is a dead faith" - DJ Dostoyevsky

JC: Hey Eef, do you think there is really an actual Heaven or is that just something people made up so dying doesn’t sound too bad?

Eef: After we die we begin the slow and graceful process of returning back to the cosmic soup of infinite stardust from which everything that is, was, and will be originates. As our molecules are broken down to the elemental we consummate our union with the eternal creator in a perfect state of nothingness and everythingness.

JC: Hey Eef, on the page that is selling your new solo album, the Product Description says “…as in many of Barzelays songs, the sniggers are quickly undercut with tenderness”. Could you define “snigger” for Me (it sounds kinda dirty)?

Eef: It is dirty, and racist too.

JC: Hey Eef, did you know that the chorus from the song “Find Love”, which goes “find love and give it all away” is essentially all I was trying to teach My disciples for the three years we hung out and they never really figured it out until after I died?

Eef: An idea like that can't be sold with out the ultimate sacrifice to back it up. It's kinda sad really.

JC: Hey Eef, how does it make you feel if I told you that I love you so much that I would have let them kill Me just so that you would be able to live forever in paradise with Me?

Eef: Again, very passive aggressive but then again you are a Jew so guilt trips should come naturally to you.

JC: Hey Eef, do you think you could kick the crap out of the guy from Eels?

Eef: I'll kick his ass with strings or without!!!!!

Thanks for the interview, Eef! Those sniggers of yours are very insightful, yet I too feel a tenderness in your sniggers that make Me love you even more! I love you very much, Eef, and although you might think I’d be a little too passive aggressive for us to be friends, I assure you if you let Me into your heart, we’d be best friends forever (“Jesus and Eff, BFF!” I’d carve this into a diamond tree by the river that runs through Heaven). More people than just your mother are praying for you, kid. I hear them all the time. Keep recording albums, Eff, and I’ll keep loving them, regardless of what you sing about Me. You are a talented gift to the world. Thank you for the music!

Eef has a new mp3 up on his MySpace, which is an acoustic cover of the Talking Heads song, “Heaven”. It’s pretty. Go download it. It’s not offensive. Nothing happening in Heaven sounds very relaxing to some people. Imagine the best vacation you’ve ever been on, multiply that by perfection, and you still have no clue how awesome it will be for you up here.

Now, for all your live Clem Snide show mp3 needs, I would suggest you hopping over to this unofficial Clem Snide fan site and start downloading away! Here’s some links to some of My favorite live tracks found on their website.

Clem Snide – I Love The Unknown (live).mp3
Clem Snide – Mike Kalinsky (live).mp3
Clem Snide – Let’s Explode (live).mp3
Clem Snide – Messiah Complex Blues (live).mp3
Clem Snide – Don’t Be Afraid Of Your Anger (live).mp3
Clem Snide – Long Lost Twin (live).mp3
Clem Snide – African Friend (live).mp3
Clem Snide – I’m Like A Bird (live).mp3
Clem Snide – Find Love (live).mp3
Clem Snide – Fill Me With Your Light (live).mp3
Clem Snide – Jews For Jesus Blues (live).mp3

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Question From The Mount

I’m popular. I got a lot of friends. Not everyone likes Me, but I’m doing pretty good. Kinda like when I was down there on Earth, a lot of people loved Me, some people wanted Me dead. I know that some of you who visit My holy blog aren’t completely head over heels for Me, and I’m cool with that… but I was wondering if you could answer another question for Me? I asked a question a few days ago and have totally been fascinated with some of the responses left for Me, and I’d like to dig a little deeper. Sound boring? Then go over the Stereogum. That dude’s site is probably the most fun on the web. But if you have a minute to tackle another question for Me, here’s the question that I'm dying to hear your answers to (pun intended):

What makes you think Christianity is not for you?

I’m interested in the road blocks, the elephant in the room, the glitch, the thing that helps you believe that Christianity is probably not what it’s all cracked up to be. I’m not looking to argue or prove you wrong, I'm simply looking for that thing or things that help you feel that following Me isn’t really something you need. This question might be tough, but I’d love it if you would answer freely. Please feel free to tackle this one anonymously if that would get you to answer honestly. AND IF YOU ACT NOW… there’s a slim chance I’ll let you ride in My Jesus balloon! Slim chance! Act Now! Slim!

...probably stands for "Can't Wrestle Fgood".

Do you love Me, Jesus Christ your Lord and Savior… and the “sport” of professional wrestling?! Have you felt that the current storylines of secular professional wrestling simply just take it too far? Well, worry no more! That’s why My followers have created a new Federation! A Christian Wrestling Federation! That’s right, the CWF! This is a great way to share your relationship with Me to all your friends who are too cool to go to Church but not cool enough to turn down the opportunity to see Professional Christians wrestle for the Lord… Me! Check out their site and book them today! All you need is a couple hundred dollars and a parking lot… seriously. Although, rumor has it they just stand there looking at each other while pointing at their cheeks. “What about this one? Why don’t you try to hit this one?!” Plus with that whole “last will be first” thing, as soon as the bell rings they both dive to the mat yelling “1,2,3,done!” …and yeah, I used the phrase “secular professional wrestling” in this post. You’d think I won a bet or something? Maybe somebody owes Me a T-shirt now? Or maybe a CWF bandana?

Monday, April 24, 2006

For All My Goth Friends

Hey all you Gothic Christian Followers Of Me, are you a Christian Goth kid who loves Me and the Sandman comic series? Did you see clear parallels to My gospels and The Matrix? Do you often pray for the souls of My Chemical Romance? Then, I have found you a site for all your Christian Goth needs. Head on over to Learn proper Christian Goth dress attire! Send your friends Christian Goth eCards! It's all there, at Christian Goth!

Goldfrapp vs. Depeche Mode - Jesus is my Personal Trainer

Open Letter To Joe Simpson

Adam Green - Jessica Simpson.mp3

Dear Mr. Simpson,

Hey Joe, it’s me, your old friend Jesus Christ! Wassap, dawg?! Great! Ok, let’s get to the point. Your daughter is sliding downhill and you need to help her out. Is Jessica seriously considering starring in a “Baywatch”movie? Joe, Joe, Joe. Don’t let her do this! You are her manager, right? Manage her away from certain career irrelevance. Joe, your daughter can be funny. Have her chase after roles that are getting offered to ReeseWitherspoon, not roles that just want her in a bikini.

Joe, you were a youth pastor for over 20 years. Remember how screwed up you thought Hollywood was? Remember that? Remember when you thought that teens should be sheltered from some of that? Dude, what’s going on?! Remember how you would pray to Me so often about how you would like your kids to be safe from all that? Do you see where I’m going with this, Joe? Not only is your little girl becoming what you prayed so hard for her not to be influenced by, but she is now the one doing the influencing on other daughters around the world. You would not believe the amount of prayers I hear for you and Jessica.

Hey Joe, remember when Jessica was really modest and shy? Remember how you two felt that Christian labels were turning your daughter away because of her bust size (for the record, that wasn’t it)? Remember how you and Jessica would always talk about being good Christian role models in a world that so desperately needed role models? Remember when you two would put down Britney and Christina? How Jessica would become the anti-Britney?What happened, Joe? Was it the cash? Or maybe it was just too hard to stick to those guns?

Remember “Nick and Jessica’s Family Christmas”, that aired on ABC last December? Remember when, at the end of the show, with you and your whole family gathered around the Christmas tree, the camera pulled in onto Jessica and she explained the meaning of Christmas? Do you remember that? What’s the meaning of Christmas Joe? Was Jessica right? Is it about getting together with your family? Is the meaning of Christmas “family”, Joe? How’s family going?

Joe, I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed. You and Me had big plans! We would change the world! Well, you might still be trying to change the world, and it might be working… but you left Me back here, to clean up your mess. Joe, come back here. We can clean this up together. I can get you out of this mess. Let’s help your daughter. She’s better than this and you know it. Come back and let’s try again. I’m the King of second chances, Joe. You know this. You taught this. Come back and lets do things right. I love you, Joe, and I love your family. Come back to Me.

I love you,
Jesus Christ

Jessica Before - "Someone Believes In You" video

Jessica After - "Boots Are Made For Walking" video

Friday, April 21, 2006

Question For the Masses

Hey blogiverse people, it’s Me, Jesus. What’s up? It’s okay to answer that out loud. I can hear you. I had an interesting discussion question I’d love to hear your answer to via comments on this blog. I know I just got finished telling you that you can answer out loud, but I think this would be interesting for other people as well. That being said, here’s the question I’d like for you to discuss…

What is your stereotype of a current contemporary Christian?

Now, this question is tricky because the actual definition of a Christian is one who follows Christ, which a lot of people don’t quite get when they give themselves the Christian label. Some feel that if they ain’t Jewish, they must be Christian. If they don’t celebrate Hanukkah but do get gifts for from Santa, they must be Christian. This isn’t really the case. If you could really just focus on that above question though, your opinion means a lot to Me and I’d love to read your thoughts. People who answer well might find themselves a proud owner of one of My Decoder rings in their mailbox!

I miss Elliott Smith

In 1998, Elliott Smith was in competition for an Oscar against songs sung by Celine Dion, Michael Bolton, Aaliyah, and Leann Rimes. All the other musicians, when it was their turn to show off the song, had elaborate set designs complete with background gospel choirs and fog machines… except Elliott Smith, who came out alone in a white suit and acoustic guitar. We miss you Elliott.

I recently stumbled over this great Elliott Smith website called Trash Treasury that that some great Elliott Smith bootlegs, cover songs, and rarities. Take a look and fill up your hard drive.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Jesus Loves J. Tillman

Jesus Interviews J. Tillman
J. Tillman - Seven States Across.mp3
J. Tillman - Darling Night.mp3
J. Tillman - Cecille My Love.mp3
J. Tillman - Wayward Glance Blues.mp3

There is a musician that has been making the blog rounds lately by the name of J. Tillman. The reason why blogs have been hyping him is because their music tastes are good, and J. Tillman is better than whatever you are currently writing about on your blog. If you have yet to hear these MP3’s, they are a must download. In fact, I might start making that official in order to get through My gates. When you die, there will be a big courtroom hearing. God is going to ask you if you are sinless. You are going to say no. He is going to say you are unworthy of getting into Heaven. You will then say that you are friends with Me. God will then say that you are therefore mostly worthy of entering through the Gates, but then he will ask you if you have downloaded “Seven States Across” from an MP3 blog. You will answer that you happened upon it on Gorilla Vs. Bear. He will smile and let you pass Him, and as you walk through the gates, he will slap you on the butt and say “ain’t that J. Tillman song killer?” To which you should reply, “yep, God, that song was good”.

Now many of you will argue about some native tribe in some jungle that never had the chance to access the internet, how is this fair for those who have not ever been to Gorilla Vs. Bear? Quit your griping and believe. Perhaps in the beauty of a sunset they will hear the soft melody of “Seven States Across”. Or maybe they will hear that melody during the birth of a child… but probably not. Either way, for the last time, we got the Aborigines covered, so quit using that as a crutch to not be friends with Me.

I’m off topic. Long story short, I, Jesus Christ, the Son of Man, absolutely love what I have heard of J. Tillman. I emailed him some gushing fan mail that included some interview questions. Mr. J. Tillman was game. Here is what transpired.

JC: Hey J. Tillman, what seven states are you talking about?

J. Tillman: Don't know, but for the sake of answering your question I guess maybe because there are usually at least seven states between where people grow up and where they'd like to end up. Figuratively.

JC: Hey J. Tillman, you think you'll end up in Heaven or Hell?

J. Tillman: I'm counting on not dying.

JC: Hey J. Tillman, who would you most want to sing a duet with?

J. Tillman: Levon Helm. With both of us playing drums.

JC: Hey J. Tillman, you think you could take Damien Jurado in a fight? he's pretty big.

J. Tillman: One time in Pittsburgh a drunk heckler got on stage and Damien just lit a cigarette, blew smoke in his face and said "You can either get off the stage, or I can throw you off the stage." I don't know if he's ever had to get in a fight.

JC: Hey J. Tillman, if you can't take Damien Jurado, what about the dude from Iron And Wine?

J. Tillman: Don't you mean "Cryin' and Whine"?

JC: Hey J. Tillman, what one artist has influenced you the most?

J. Tillman: Neil Young.

JC: Hey J. Tillman, what one artist has influenced you the least?

J. Tillman: Iron and Wine.

JC: Hey J. Tillman, do you think knowing Me is the only way to Heaven?

J. Tillman: I really only "know" people on Friendster.

JC: Hey J. Tillman, did you get Sufjan Stevens pregnant?

J. Tillman: Hypothetically, would that prevent me from getting into heaven?

JC: Hey J. Tillman, would you let them play one of your songs during a romantic barn scene on "Smallville"?

J. Tillman: I've done worse things for money, Jesus.

Thanks J. Tillman, for this very insightful interview. I feel I need to clear a few things up regarding this interview above. First, I, being God, know a lot about humor, and let Me just tell you that, in the past 2 months, there have been a lot of funny things said down there on Earth… however, J. Tillman referring to Sam Beam as “Cryin’ and Whine” is hands down the funniest thing said on Earth in the past 2 months. If you think you have probably heard something funnier, you haven’t. I know because I’m God. I’m right and you just don’t get pure hilarity. Second, J. Tillman has never sold his body in a sexual way to in order to make money for a car payment. When he referred to have “done worse things for money”, I know what he is talking about and please don’t worry, J. Tillman is not a male prostitute. Not that this would be a problem. I have lots of cool prostitute friends, and if J. Tillman later in life decides to become a male prostitute, I would not love him any less. In fact, if J. Tillman later in life decides to become a female prostitute, although both expensive and difficult, I would still absolutely love J. Tillman… mostly because of the song “Seven States Across” but also because I love all of humanity. That being said, J. Tillman is cool as crap and I thank him for giving Me the time to answer My questions.

Other interviews with Jesus:

Monday, April 17, 2006

The More you Ignore Me The Closer I Get

The BBC broadcasted an Easter surprise entitled "Manchester's Passion", where they interpreted My death and resurrection by using songs written by some mod rock Brits. The role of Jesus was played by the guy who fist fought a werewolf in “Dog Soldiers”, while the role of Judas was played by the Tim Booth, who used to be the lead singer of the band James. These clips make it look quite painful, but the idea is fun. I would love to see a “Moulin Rouge”-esque version of My life, but I guess this will have to do for now. How they fit “Wonderwall” and “Blue Monday” into the Easter story sounds interesting, but these clips only show some Morrissey and Joy Division. How they missed “I am the Resurrection”, by the Stone Roses… I have no idea.

If you are still interested, here's an article with more information about the show. Thanks to Stereogum for pointing the way to these Youtube clips.

In related news, I got a cool email from a blogger from Rocketblogged, who made Me a mix much like the idea of this show, mixing normal songs that happen to fit the Easter story well. Go over to his site and check out his mix which would work out very well for that “Moulin Rouge” Jesus movie I want made. The songs he picked and why he picked them are pretty classic.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Happy Easter

Today is not just about family and spring. Some Guy 2,000 years ago died and came back to life. Death to life. David Blaine has nothing on Me. What if this is true... that a person can be raised from the dead? Freaky, aint it? I love you, forget Me not. Hunt Me down. Seek out the truth. If Heaven is real, it's worth searching for.

Friday, April 14, 2006

A Good Man Is Hard To Find

What makes something good? I get whipped and crucified and history names this day good. Josh Ritter sings that he is a good man. When the Earth was made, I called it good. Is being good a matter of opinion or is there a scale? Would you consider yourself a bad person, or ordinary, or good?

In My opinion, and who’s to say Mine matters more than any, the new Josh Ritter album, The Animal Years, is good. And when I say good, I really mean it. Good as in when I made night and day and called it good. Good as in now the debt of your sin has been paid good. This Josh Ritter album is that kind of good.

As most of you who know Me could attest, I’m a sucker for a guy with a guitar. Make him sound like an American with a guitar, and you’ve pretty much got Me before I hear a song. From the amazing Springsteen to the campy Mellencamp, from Ryan Adams to Conor Oberst, from Dylan to Tweedy, Tom Waits to Tom Petty, from the bandlands to Wyoming, from sea to shining sea, I’m a sucker for music with the Americana feel. I don’t care how clichéd it might be, but if you name drop a cool random town in your song lyrics, I like those song lyrics. If you sound like you are authentically wearing a blue collar, I’m probably a fan.

Josh Ritter’s last album, Hello Starling, was easily one of My favorite albums of 2003. If you like music from the bands I namedropped in the last paragraph, and you do not yet own Hello Starling, do yourself a favor and order it right now. It’s good. It is one of those few albums that I feel is both smart and mass-marketable. Hello Starling can be equally enjoyed by both the music snob and the music snob’s mother who never buys CD’s. Long story short, I loved that album and have almost been nervous to hear Josh attempt to follow it with a new album.

Well, don’t worry, for Josh Ritter is a good man. His new album takes a bold step forward for him. A good kind of bold step that might lose him some of the fans who were the moms of music snobs, but now the music snobs will love him even more. For example, he has an almost 10 minute folk song on the album that’s not too catchy called “Thin Blue Flame”, which sounds almost like a beat poet singing his poem in a small empty bar. The song is great and when you hear yet another musician compared to Dylan, this is the song that hits there the closest. Because of songs such as this, the album isn’t quite as conventional as the last, but there’s still quite a few tracks that would sound great on the radio. The first track, “Girl In The War”, with it’s political relevance and religious symbolism, is Josh Ritter working on all cylinders. When he sings, “Pretend the dove up above is a dragon and your feet are on fire”, I often literally get chills running up My arms, which is one of the best compliments one can give a song. It’s hard to fake the chills. This album is the kind of album that can do that to you more than once.

So, yeah, I love the new Josh Ritter album. It took Me awhile to accept it, due to My undying love for his past album and this evolution he took on this album was a little jarring at first, but after many repeat listenings, I have yet another album that I am totally in love with. If you like Ryan Adams, but kinda wish he had an older brother who cared a little more about life in general and also happened to be a musician, try Josh Ritter out. Josh Ritter is a good man, and if you are a fan of American music and literature, you know how rare they are. It’s a good day. Treat yourself to some good music.

Go here to stream the album The Animal Years.

Josh Ritter - Girl In The War.mp3

Josh Ritter – Thin Blue Flame.mp3

Josh Ritter - Live at the Rivoli. Toronto, Ontario - 01/29/2005

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The Easter Bunny Hates You

Well, My big day is coming up! You gotta admit, a Raising From The Dead day is so much cooler than a Birthday... no offense. A lot of you will get a Raising From The Dead day too, so don't think I'm rubbing it in. If there's one thing I hate about My special days, it's stuff getting in the way of you thinking about Me. That is why Yours Truly, Jesus Christ, is not a fan of the Easter Bunny. Not only does he try to steal My thunder, but he also hates you. Want proof? Click here and see the horror for yourself!

Fact: Punching is always cooler with punching sound effects.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Drink Up, Dreamers, You're Running Dry

Ok, so I'm going to give away one of My little secrets. You guys are going to love this. When I first told this to the disciples, it blew their minds! And I was telling them wild stuff all the time, but this little fun fact really through them for a loop. Stick with Me, this is fun. Ready?

Earth used to be surrounded by a giant ocean that completely engulfed your world… about 10 miles up in the sky. Don’t freak out, but this is totally true! I don’t lie. This ain’t one of them website April Fools things. Stay with Me here.

So when My Dad was making everything… you know, that whole six days and then He rested for a day thing… while He was making Earth, He really did make a giant ocean that surrounded the planet, way up in the sky. This is actually in My book. Check out the first paragraph of Chapter 1, and you’ll notice that on the second day, My Dad separated the water with sky… so there was a layer of water, then a layer of sky, and then another layer of water. That top water floated above your atmosphere for years. People always think that this was when My Dad was making the Earth’s oceans and lakes, but that was with the first layer of water on day three. He didn’t touch that top layer of water again until He decided to drown everything.

You know how the idea of a giant flood killing all the Earth sounds a little far fetched? I can see how this might be hard for you to wrap your head around, but when Noah was building that boat, nobody had ever seen rain before. It literally had never rained. My Dad had this whole other system set up where the Earth was more like a humid green house, thanks to this water way above the Earth. This is how people lived a lot longer and this is how lizards could live for centuries and grow into dinosaurs. Well, once My Dad decided to kill everything and start over again, he simply let that ocean of water hovering above the Earth drop, thus killing everything pretty quickly. Nobody but Noah and the gang survived because nobody knew what was going on. An ocean literally fell on them and destroyed most every living thing. It was intense. Ever since then, your world has a different atmosphere because that layer of water is no longer above your world. I know this sounds nuts but My Dad is a genius and this is how created your world. The original plan didn’t call for wild weather, so this green house situation was pretty utopian. But once mankind was getting a little out of hand, God decided to shake up His Earthly Etch-A-Sketch and start again. If you think your world is screwed up now, you got nothing on what it was like then.

Anyway, I know this all sounds crazy, but keep in mind this is coming from a guy who was dead for thee days and can walk on water. Believing in Me is pretty wild and there’s a lot that might not make sense to you, but when you get up here and My Dad and I are able to explain everything to you, you are going to flip out like the disciples did when I shared with them this little fun fact. Just wait to you hear how My Dad helped Noah get those animals in a boat… My Dad’s a genius.

And what song would best fit such a post? How about a song about a flood sung by Peter Gabriel in german?!!! That's what I call a find! Take that, Gorilla Vs. Bear! You might be getting name dropped in Rolling Stone, but do you have some Peter Gabriel singing in german? You probably do, actually. Well, so do I. We're even.

Peter Gabriel - Here Comes The Flood (German - Vinyl B-Side).mp3

Find Your Own Way

I’m an outsider. I never feel like anybody truly understands Me. I told My best friends for three years straight that I would get killed but then I’d come back alive again, and they just stared at Me like I was an idiot… or I was speaking in code that they were just going to act like they understood. I love them, but we were never 100% on the same page. I’m used to this. I’m different, I get it.

But every now and then, somebody includes Me as part of the gang and it feels great! Yesterday, I got My first mass email forward from a record label marketing department, and I’ve been on cloud 9 for the past two days. For the record, cloud 9 rocks hard… literally, Kurt Cobain is playing on it as we speak. Some weird southern folky stuff that is loud and weird. He says it’s stuff for the album he was planning on recording before he died, which sounds to me like a cross between In Utero and Automatic For The People. Anyway, I got an email from some marketing people from 4AD, that included in their forward just about every blog email address in the blogiverse (Jesus don’t use “blogisphere”). They included all the music blogs that I love… and little ol’ Me! So thanks 4AD, for treating Me as part of the club. It’s lonely being the often misunderstood Son of God, and I appreciate you thinking of Me.

So let’s review this track, shall we? They sent Me a link to a site for the band The Late Cord, which is a collaboration between Micah P Hinson and some dude from The Earlies. I enjoyed the Micah P Hinson and the Gospel of Progress album, and These Were The Earlies was a fun time, too, so the email quickly had My attention. Doesn’t that sound like a good mix to make an album together?

Once at The Late Chord website, I download their free track, brilliantly named “My Most Meaningful Relationships Are With Dead People” and read their little bio. In their bio, they first describe the band as not being religious in any conventional sense, which is cool as crap, because that’s what I am, too. Then they refer to them as “prayerful” which is also cool as crap because that’s what I am, too!

So I listen to the track, and it’s cool. It starts out weird with some looping wind sounds, then comes some lone piano with some weird keyboard effects, and then Mr. Hinson kicks in around the 2 minute mark. He’s sounding somber, which is a good way for him to sound. And that is essentially the whole track. 7 minutes of a slow, sad, ballad with not a ton of melody, but still pretty. I like it. Thumbs up. I want to hear more. The marketing department got Me. This is something I plan to hunt down when it’s released.

One glitch, the bio also mentions that this is only a “mini album” which I can already tell I’d want more than just this 7 minute track and then a few more tracks. Anyway, head over to their website if you want to hear the Mp3, too. It won’t change your world, but it definitely sounds good. Thank you, 4AD marketing people, for including Me on your mass email forward. There was a time back when The Pixies were king when I would pick up anything on your label. Maybe it’s time I start doing that again. Or at least it's time to download free tracks from your band sites whenever you email Me with the links. I love you. More mass forward marketing emails, please.

Friday, April 07, 2006

I Heart Will Forte

Many of you have asked Me, “Hey, Jesus Christ, what do you think of the show Saturday Night Live?” Great question, many of you, great question. My answer to that is simple, SNL is must watch television. Always has been, always will be. Now before you reply “but it sucks now!”, I would like to point out to you that it doesn’t suck now, in fact, since 1975, it has always mostly sucked. However, in just about each episode, there’s that one skit that is genius. And it is for that one skit every week that makes the show worth watching in the first place. Watch a “classic” episode from the 70’s and you’ll be lucky to find two skits that make you laugh hard. Argue away, but I’m perfect so I’m right. I love you, but sometimes you don’t know what you’re talking about.

As for the cast, each cast is mostly great. Before you point out one that is better than the current cast, let Me point out to you that people have always been pointing to better cast seasons. In 1976, people were saying the show sucks ever since Chevy left. People will always be nostalgic for the past, no matter how great the current cast is. Even crappy seasons had great casts. The lowest liked seasons had Robert Downy Jr., Anthony Michael Hall, and Julie Louise Dreyfus… all of whom I would argue have had quite a few hilarious moments in pop culture history (the way Hall would pick on poor little scissorhands, comedy gold! Well, not really but man he was funny with Molly Ringwalds undies).

So, basically this was all just intro fodder so I could gush over My new favorite SNL cast member man crush… ladies and gentlemen, there are few people on TV funnier than the great Will Forte!

When Will Forte sings, I listen. Plus, you haven’t lived until you’ve watched his vein almost pop out of his forehead. This guy has made Me weep, and your world is better off because of him. Download this video of Will singing a tribute to Halloween. Some of you will think this is hilarious, especially when he starts singing the word “Halloween” to the tune of the USA National Anthem. If you don’t think this is funny, that means I made you with not as highly tuned humor as some. That’s ok if you don’t think this is funny, you are just made different. That probably means I made you like other stuff more, like onions. Another great skit you can find online is one where Will is in a spelling bee.

If you want more information on the great Will Forte, I would suggest looking much further than the fan site entitled "Will Forte=AWESOME! Online and sucking ass since March 17th, 2003". If you see “” in the site address, you know you’re off to something special. If you liked that site, make sure to check out their “part 2” for more Will Forte info.

Say you are looking for some Will Forte Buddy Icons? Look no further!

Say you are interested in a Will Forte message board where there are almost double the amount of posts in the “Off-Topic” section than in the “Will Forte” section? Look no further!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

What Else Would Jesus Blog?

So, while I was away, I got an email from Darlene from “What Would Jesus Blog?” She was nice. Now, some of you may be saying, “but Jesus, how could You be getting email from someone from “What Would Jesus Blog?” when You are from “What Would Jesus Blog?” Great question, and the answer is simple… to My surprise, there’s lots of “What Would Jesus Blog” blogs! Here’s a few quick reviews of other “What Would Jesus Blog?” blogs, by Jesus Christ of “What Would Jesus Blog?”

“What Would Jesus Blog?” Site #1 -

This is the site that Darlene, the woman who emailed Me, runs. Her blog is more popular than My blog. You might think that I would therefore not like her, but you would be wrong. I love Darlene, even if she has the best blogger website address. Her site is mostly her talking about life from a Christian woman’s perspective. It seems nice, although I found no reference to the new Flaming Lips album. And just to set the record straight, Darlene is NOT Jesus Christ. I am Jesus Christ. She’s just some nice lady who knows Me and beat Me to the punch when it comes to naming blogs. You one up’ed Me this time, Darlene, but we’ll see who gets the last laugh when you see your room I’ve been preparing for you up here (hint: hope you like shag carpet).

“What Would Jesus Blog?” Site #2 -

This “What Would Jesus Blog?” blog sucks. No way around it. First of all, this blog hasn’t been updated in over a year, yet they get a cooler website address than Me and I’m stuck with this crappy “whatwouldjb” website address. Secondly, there’s a guy over there that’s posting like he ACTUALLY IS Jesus Christ, which is just about the lamest attempt at humor I’ve ever seen, not to mention it’s blasphemous and probably slander. There’s another guy over there who posted as Satan, who probably is Satan because only Satan would be so lame… and he is actually. I know the guy, total jerk. So again, the dorks at this site are not actually Jesus Christ, because I am Jesus Christ and I think I would know if I had another blog out there.

“What Would Jesus Blog?” Site #3 -

Yet another lame-o excuse for a “What Would Jesus Blog?” blog who just happens to have a cooler site address than the Creator of the internet (Me, not Gore). Again, this dudes site hasn’t been updated in over a year and it only has two lame posts on it. This is another dork acting like he is Me, which is totally embarrassing because this dude uses the word “friggin”, which if you notice in My sermon on the mount never comes up once and never would come up once because that word is so stupid. Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no, and if you need to cuss but don’t want to cuss don’t make up a fake cuss word like “friggin”! I’ll accept cussing by saying the letter “F”, because they do that sometimes on “The Office” and I think that is pretty funny, but normally it is best to steer away from cussing. I, Jesus Christ, am not a fan of cussing, although I deem the words “sucks”, “crap”, and “crappy” acceptable. Don’t argue it, I am all powerful. That being said, this guys F’ing crappy blog sucks hard. Thanks for that stupid post about a “Lord Of The Rings” DVD. Very insightful information. I guess I should check that movie out, you poser!

“What Would Jesus Blog?” Site #4 -

This guy’s got the best site address out of all of us, hands down. Well done, guy who isn’t really Jesus nor do you claim to be, well done indeed. This site is basically one guy who loves Me talking about his life and how I play into his life. It’s nice. Kinda like Darlene’s site from the above list, but not quite as updated. He’s got some good links though, so keep it up guy who’s not Jesus Christ but might confuse people by your web address and either way you’re not me, keep it up.

“What Would Jesus Blog?” Site #5 -

This is a website for an AM country station from Brooksville, Florida. They have a live feed you can play through winamp on their site, but it wasn’t working for Me and I doubt they play much Neutral Milk Hotel anyway, and if the station don’t play Neutral Milk Hotel, then Jesus Christ doesn’t care much for that station.

So there you have it. Lot’s of Jesus Blogs out there, only one Jesus. Many will come claiming to be Me, some will even trick you by performing cool miracles, but you will know when I officially come back. Trust Me, My Dad and I have been working on this thing where you will all actually be able to see me at the same exact time. It’s nuts! I don’t wanna give too much away, but We are actually gonna do this thing where I'm riding a chariot and I’m going to be HUGE. Like so huge that I literally surround the earth at once so everyone can see Me at the same exact time. It’s confusing, but you’ll believe it when you see it, and it’ll be sooner than you think, so get ready! But until then, somebody post more of the new Peal Jam, I’m dying to hear more of it.