Saturday, December 31, 2005

Jesus Christ's Top Films of 2005

10. Batman Begins
Most of the angels are big Frank Miller fans, so they were a little let down that this story wasn’t more like “Year One”. I was cool with it though and am glad to see Batman up again on the screen. Now if only Rogregiz would stop making “Sin City” movies and make “The Dark Night Returns,” this place would go insane.

09. Sympathy for Mr. Vengence
Those of you who know Me know how much I loved “Oldboy”. Movies just don’t get much more Old Testament than “Oldboy.” This movie had a lot riding against it, but when it dug its claws in me, it was like wrestling____ all over again.

08. Corpse Bride
We up here in Heaven throw a party whenever we get a new Tim Burton flick in. We all were expecting Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to be awesome (and it was), but this film awed us more. It’s fun how obsessed with death you all are. It’s not the end people! That maggot made Gabriel spew Coke out his nose.

07. Cinderella Man
There’s a really cool scene in this movie where Russell Crowe and Rene Zelwigger are praying to me and then Crowe stops and says he has prayed enough. This is fun for me because I remember when this really happened 70 years ago and I was like, “Yeah, go on. Hello? Hello?” He totally hung up on me and we up here totally thought that was hilarious because where did that has been think he was getting his skills from anyway? I kept my blessing on him anyway and it shows by this films end.

06. Me and You and Everyone We Know
I love poop. Why do you think I made every animal do it? Pooping is classic. Why you guys are so weirded out by it always makes Me smile. This movie has, hands down, the best poop dialog ever put on film.

05. Roll Bounce
I check for souls by who smiles at this film. If you don’t enjoy a movie that ends in a roller skate dance off, you are soulless.

04. War of the Worlds
Me and the angels always joke about fun ways to end the world. I know how I'm going to do it, but I like letting them guess. This movie was so good that we actually kicked around going with this, but I like my first plan better.

03. Brokeback Mountian
Listen people, all sin is the same. How hard is it for you to understand that? Sure, the gay stuff is a sin, but so is gluttony, and I didn’t hear “My people” rallying against Jack Black’s performance in King Kong as being too overweight. Watching these two do it was no different for me than watching the two in Titanic do it. Get over it. I’ll do the judging, you do the loving. That being said, this movie was amazing. The performances were surprisingly realistic, and that ending was a risk few directors take.

02. King Kong
Sorry about knocking on Jack Black’s weight. I made him that way on purpose and I think it makes him a funnier comic. 2/3 of this movie was the best action/adventure movie of the year, 1/3 of this movie was really boring. But by the time Kong is climbing up to his finale, the beautiful ending makes up for all flaws.

01. The Constant Gardener
Far ahead of the pack for the best movie of 2005. This should be on its own list. Here we clearly see the problem of your world, sin slowly killing My creation, one country at a time, and we see the human morals that are working for and against it. This broke my heart for you and gave me hope for you at the same time, which is something few of your films truly accomplish.

Jesus Christ's 2005 Film Let Downs

10. Crash
This movie took 2 hours to say, poorly, what an average parable takes about 2 minutes to say. Of course there is still racism in the world, and that is not going anywhere. You guys will always be hating somebody, that’s what sin does to you. You want to see racism in American film, rent “Monster-In-Law”. Wanda Sykes is one of the funnier women on Earth and she is stuck acting in crap like that. There’s your “Racism in contemporary America” film, not this after school garbage.

09. Fantastic Four
I made everyone and, besides Alba, even I don’t remember who was in this movie. And is it just me or was Dr. Doom, possibly the baddest bad guy in the Marvel universe, more feminine than Invisible Girl? The unreleased “Fantastic Four” movie was better than this “made for TV but with a huge budget” trash.

08. Kingdom of Heaven
A movie about the crusades that forgets to talk about Me! Come on! I had a HUGE part in that story, and Hollywood leaves me out?! That’s like re-making “Castaway” and leaving out the human! I mean, “Constantine” talked about me more than this film. This felt more like they took the thrown out clippings from Peter Jackson’s garbage can, taped it together, and decided to tell people it’s a crusade movie.

07. 40 Year Old Virgin
This made the flawed “Wedding Crashers” look like “Airplane!” First of all, being a virgin isn’t a bad thing, people! I look out for virgins. I bless virgins. Virgins get to go on cool adventures for me. This was racy just to be racy, and I seriously just wanted to turn it off and sleep. 10 minutes of “The Office” is funnier than 2 hours of this excuse of a comedy. Where’s that “Weatherman” sequel?

06. Rent
Where did the edge go? When I saw this in New York, I freaked out. Maybe I was letting this aids thing get out of hand. When I saw this on the screen, it felt like I was being forced to re-watch “Fame.” Bring on the aids!

05. Walk the Line
Yet again, another “true story” movie where they totally left me out. People, it was Me who brought these two together and the three of us hung out ALL the time during their courting phase, but was that mentioned in the movie? Of course not. I actually watched this movie up here with Johnny. When it was over he told me that, for half the movie, he thought the actor playing Elvis was supposed to be him.

04. March of the Penguins
I see this kinda stuff every day. Boring. It was like watching a documentary called “staring at some trees for and hour and a half.” The return of the documentary, please! You would rent a documentary about pencil led if Morgan Freeman narrated and Entertainment Weekly told you it was good.

03. Star Wars: Episode 3
You humans might think that the good news is that you can no longer be let down. Unfortunately, I saw these movies 30 years ago when they were being formed in Lucas’s mind, and those, my friends, just might have been the best science fiction films ever. How they could turn out to look like this? There’s only one possible answer… sin.

02. Mr. and Mrs. Smith
There’s more brains in an average “Alias” than this garbage. I know the future, this movie will be forgotten quicker than “Assassins”.

01. The Chronicles of NariaI don’t care what you say, they made me look like a cartoon. All the special effects were great up until my big entrance, and out walks Moosfasa, making this movie feel more like “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” than “The Lord of the Rings.” Plus, who was really moved by my death? Maybe only because of the forced drama, but I honestly think the kiddies would have been more upset to see that badger die than me (that badger who is hardly in the book, by the way).

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Jesus Christ's Top 11 Albums of 2005

These lists seem all the rage, and considering I’m the guy who created sound, I figured some of you out there might find my picks somewhat more interesting than the random blogger. I must say, 2005 was quite the year for music! Kinda like 1467, but less retro.

11. Maximo Park – A Certain Trigger
I have trouble listening to this album without standing still. This was my soundtrack through most of hurricane season. Fashion rock seems so shallow lately, and this was the only album I thought that was worth its hype.

10. Antony and the Johnsons – I am a Bird Now
Tell Me you can’t hear Me in that voice. I created that voice, that’s Me you hear. There is no better example in 2005 of a singer/songwriter writing music in a world so deeply affected in sin.

09. The Boy Least Likely To – The Best Party Ever
“I’m glad I hitched my apple wagon to your star” was a line I heard many of you pray to Me this year. I love it when you can take a song that is not at all about Me and turn it into a prayer that fits our relationship. This album reminds Me of how in love I am with my playful creations.

08. Jason Forrest – Shamelessly Exciting
There’s nothing new under the sun, but every not and then something comes that takes the old and makes it feel new again. These mash-ups reminds Me of how I made the insects.

07. Spoon – Gimme Fiction
This album is worth buying if it only had the track “The Beast and Dragon, Adored”. When sin entered this world, Clear Channel came with it. That is the only reason this band isn’t on the radio 24/7. This has been on so much, the angels are almost getting sick of it… but once “I Summon You” hits, they are still all clapping along.

06. New Pornographers – Twin Cinema
Such and unfortunate band name. I would brag about them more if I didn’t have to say that band name. We call them the “New P’s”. However, no matter how terrible that band name is, there is no denying that “Sing me Spanish Techno” is close to musical perfection.

05. In Good Company Soundtrack
The album is terrible. In fact it is hardly bearable at all. It is an embarrassment to have in my CD collection, and this is coming from the guy who has every Petra album. However, Iron and Wine’s “The Trapeze Swinger” is hands down the best song of the year. It’s in league with anything David wrote, and if it wasn’t for the cussing it could even be Psalm-able. That line about the graffiti outside my gates gives Me shivers every time.

04. Stars – Set Yourself on Fire
This one grew on Me. At first it seemed a little too poppy for my liking, but it sank its teeth in deep and now I love every track. You all can hype Kelly Clarkson as “pop-chic” to Me all you want to, but this is the fun with out the bad aftertaste.

03. Bright Eyes – I’m Wide Awake It’s Morning
You bloggers are too harsh on this kid. It is easier for you to love the cold darkness than one who wears his bleeding heart not on his sleeve but in front of him like a shield. Conor is a poet, and you do not have too many poets writing music these days, so back off him. This album was one of the few “genuine” albums I heard this year, and if he doesn’t fit your tastes, he should at least fit for your respect. He is a man after my heart, and if he keeps searching for it, he might just find it.

02. Black Mountain – Self Titled
This album reminds Me of my Old Testament days. This is what it the seven plagues sounded like… horns, backing choirs, and beautiful electric guitars.

01. Sufjan Stevens – Illinois
Preaching to the choir, I know, but I love him and he loves Me, what can I say? This album was genius and he gave me mad props without feeling forced or preachy. His relationship with Me is natural and comfortable, and he fearlessly shows that with an every day nonchalant-ness as he mixes his every day ups and downs within his state line boundaries. A genius and a friend.

Jesus Christ's Top 5 Musical Disappointments of 2005

05. Iron and Wine/Calexico – In the Reins
Thank Me for “The Trapeze Artist”, because if this is all we heard from Sam Beam this year, I would have been worried. This essentially sounds like what Iron and Wine should sound like if SubPop was trying to sell him out, stripping each song of its soul and inserting some Calexico Cheese Whiz instead. Argue if you want, just remember who you are arguing against.

04. The Headphones – Self Titled
Come on, Bazan, you can create better than this. I created you to create better than this. Don’t hide behind band names. Don’t fear your non-Me-loving audience. Just sing like the angel you know you’ll never be and everything will be alright. Now, try again. I believe in you.

03. Franz Ferdinand – You Could Have It So Much Better
Don’t swallow what Clear Channel feeds you and call it fashion. This music will wither and fade. If you want fashion rock, try Art Brut. Like a dog returns to his vomit, so does mankind accept Franz as rock.

02. Devendra Banhart – Cripple Crow
Ladies and gentlemen, let Me introduce you to my enemy. He can take many shapes and forms, from Charles Manson to a serpent. Enjoy this “anti-folk” if you want, but the voice you are singing along with is not human, and know this, he is definitely “anti-folk” at its purist. He and I go way back, way back… and happily, I won’t have to put up with him much longer.

01. Kanye West – Late Registration
Please. Never mind what he says, this guy and I are not friends. I love him, but he is clearly not trying to listen to Me right now. This album is nothing but bells, whistles, and banging gongs, saying lots but meaning nothing. So much potential, wasted on more songs about “hoes”. Thank Me that there is a new Outkast coming out soon. Now don’t give me the whole “Jesus Christ doesn’t like black people” line, because my skin is a lot darker than the paintings might lead you to believe. This album is awful, trust Me. You know this is bad if I ranked it higher than Satan in disguise.

happy birthday to me

Friday, December 23, 2005

Two Days!

only two days left til my big day! actually, my real birthday is in june, but you guys have definitly helped this date grow on me. either way, good luck getting me something good. target has a "teenage mutant ninja turtle vs. the yeti" toy that looked pretty neat (hint, hint).

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Jesus Was Here!

First post! Let's see if I'm doing this right. Hi, Jesus Christ here. Welcome to my blog. Just saw Narnia and it was 2/3 lame, 1/3 cool PG battle scene. There was more symbolizm for me in the matix than that flick. Save your $, just know that i died for your sins, and see Kong. Thats only 1/3 lame, then two hours of coolness.