Friday, December 29, 2006

The Best Of Jesus In 2006

The Bible, for all it’s worth, is a pretty quick read. Steven King puts out a book almost as thick as the Bible just about every other year. Don’t get Me wrong, the Bible is My word, and all of it is ordained by Me, but a lot of good stuff didn’t quite make the cut. So, for everything else… that’s why I keep a blog. It’s been a fun first year keeping up this site for My peeps, and I plan on keeping it up for awhile. So, if you want to know My thoughts on how to live life, check out Matthew 5-7. If you want to know My thoughts on horror movies, then welcome to WWJBlog, where your Creator rants and rambles about all the stuff that didn’t make it into the Bible, and probably never should. Sorry if you think I preach a lot, but that’s kinda what I do… and frankly, you need a little preaching to every now and then.

That being said, you voted, and now here’s your results to The Top 25 Best WWJBlog posts of 2006!

1. Jesus Collects Quotes from 1 Star Amazon User Reviews On Great Albums – Where else can you find negative reviews of albums like Radiohead’s OK Computer and have it compared to INXS?

2. The Baltimore Hooker Incident – Prostitution and worship just don’t mix like I’d hoped.

3. Tapes ‘N Tapes Are Not Understandable – For all the hype that flowed for the song “The Loon”, even the Son Of God had trouble figuring out what in the world they were actually saying over their music. Here’s My attempt to decipher their lyrics.

4. Jesus Christ Interviews Paul Scheer – I love Best Week Ever, and it was an honor to interview My favorite comic from that show.

5. Jesus Rages Against Christian Bumper Stickers – I give you the Great Commission, you give Me bumper stickers with a clean conscience.

6. Jesus Christ Interivews Aziz Ansari – If you don’t know this comedian yet, youtube search him and enjoy.

7. Jesus Christ Rants Against Those Too Cool For Green Day – Jesus has a problem with people who proclaim their love or hate for a band only if it is socially acceptable.

8. Jesus Shows Off His Skills Of Knowing All And, Despite Negative Hype, Predicts That Daniel Craig Will Make An Amazing James Bond – Granted, I might have helped a little bit, but that still counts.

9. Jesus Christ Interviews Clem Snide Front Man Eef Barzelay – Nobody sings sadder songs about Me than Eef.

10. Jesus Christ Writes An Open Letter To Jessica Simpson’s Dad, Joe Simpson – Did I mention former Youth Pastor Joe Simpson?

11. Jesus Christ Interviews J. Tillman – Few things had Me laughing harder than J. Tillman calling Sam Beam Cryin’ and Whine.

12. Jesus Lets You In On How Earth Originally Had An Ocean Hovering In The Sky – True story. Smart people argue about this kinda stuff. Now the argument can be settled. Oh, God had a giant ocean in the sky.

13. Jesus Christ Gushes Love Out To SNL Cast Member Will Forte – This season has made Me cry laughing. Possibly the best SNL cast ever. In a TV season with 2 separate SNL behind the scenes shows, nothing beats the real thing.

14. Jesus Reviews The Other Blogs Awkwardly Named What Would Jesus Blog – Just for the record, I would not blog what they blog. I only would blog what I blog.

15. Jesus Christ Rants Against Rolling Stone Magazine And Blesses Pitchfork – I’ve read every issue of Rolling Stone, and each one makes Me a little sadder. Thank Me for Pitchfork Media! Me bless Pitchfork Media!

16. Jesus Christ Gushes Love Out To “I Am Fuel You Are Friends”, His Favorite MP3 Blog – If you don’t check Heather’s blog twice a day, I think you are odd. I still love you, but you’re odd. She passionately loves music, and wants to share that love with anyone willing to stop by her site. Her site is a gift. Embrace it.

17. Jesus Christ Reviews All The Different Mountain Dew Flavors – It was a slow day up here.

18. Jesus Christ Interviews Damien Jurado – Damien and I are lovers. His music makes Me want to hold off on the Rapture for a few more years, just to hear what he has in store for the world on his next album.

19. Jesus Christ Interviews G4’s Blair Butler – Cute girls who love comic books are like Allan Moore fans who loved the film adaptation of “League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen”… rare. Attack Of The Show rulz!

20. Jesus Christ Interviews “Monster Island” Zombie Novelist David Wellington – His books were the most fun stories I read this year. I’m excited to see where this career goes, and it was an honor to interview him.

21. The Shins “Wincing The Night Away” Album Review Drinking Game – Believe it or not, this post made its way into the January 2007 issue of Wired Magazine, right next to their review of the Shins album where they actually would have to drink if they were playing. Besides the Bible being the all time best seller, now I’m in Wired! I’m famous! Look at Me!

22. Jesus Christ Rants About 12 Foot Tall Sexy Bra Ads In Mall Windows – Few things more freaky than photoshopping My face on lingerie models. No need to thank Me. You’re welcome. I love you.

23. Jesus Christ Rants About Aquaman - This is a true definition of a rant from Jesus. Read carefully, secrets of the world are hidden in this post. Aquaman rulz!

24. Jesus Christ Teaches You How To Make A Mix Tape For Chuck Klosterman – I love Chuck Klosterman, and this is My open love letter to him, for all to see. If you know Chuck Klosterman, give him a hug for Me. Then, with My help, make him a killer mix.

25. Jesus Christ Rants Against Those Who Talk About Their Love For The Film “Volver” – If I had to choose between seeing “Volver” and seeing “The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause”, I’d see “Volver”, no questions asked. But I still wouldn’t be super excited about it.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Isn't There Anyone Who Knows What Christmas Is All About?

Happy Birthday To Me!

It's that time of year again. Forget Me not! It's not really My birthday today, but you guys are actually pretty close so I’ll count it. Since it’s My special day, I think I’d like to make a speech… A Birthday Sermon On The Blog, if you will. McDonalds all across the world are closed to honor Me, so I think I should be able to throw down a little something something like the good old days. So here we go, happy birthday to Me!

Dear People Who Call America A “Christian Nation”:

God bless the USA! I love America! God bless the Iranians! I love Iran! God bless Namibia! I thought Namibia was pretty hip way before Bradjolimaddixorphans did!

Sure, I might choose sides from time to time, but it has never been America and I’ve never been shy about it. The Jews are number one in My book, but I’ll let anybody in the family if they want in. It is this family that I will bless, not a government who thinks they are good. If you want forgiveness for being broken, if you want to fall in love with Me, if you want to try to hold up your end of a relationship with Me, then welcome to the family and welcome to My holy nation. It’s a great tribe with a planned family reunion that will rawk like none other.

This has everything to do with where I stand in your heart, and nothing to do with where you stand on the ground. You think I bless America? I bless the world! It has nothing to do with what name governments have given to the soil. You really think I stop blessing things once I cross the Rio Grand to Mexico?

And, please don’t tell Me that the USA was founded with Christian values and beliefs. I was there, you weren’t. What part of My Book did the original core American Christian values of slavery and Indian extermination come from? The only “Christian Nation” on Earth are the scattered people in the tribe that are friends with Me, and if the USA has a freedom of religion law, then I doubt all Americans claim Me as their King.

That whole “love your neighbor” thing, I meant thinking more outside the box than just your actual neighbors. Love has no boundaries and it has no country lines. If you think the USA is going to Hell in a handbasket, and it needs Christ now more than ever… you’re right. But, I kind of already told you that would happen and that you’d be fine. Don’t worry about it. I care for birds and I’ll care for you. You work on loving more than just your family and people you work with, and then you’ll catch a hint of the full life that I’ve created you to crave.

So, “God Bless The World” is My hope that you will pray. You are all in that world together, and if you’re loving, you just might make it out alive. You leave the tough love up to Me. If a tribe in a nation needs roughing up, I’ll throw down like I always have. Put down your stones, sinners, for I am in the fray and I am good in battle. Your war is between you and your heart. My birthday advise, from Me to you, is let your heart win. Give up. Drown in love. Come on, it’s My birthday wish, my birthday hope. Permit Me to pour so much love on you that you literally overflow with it. Ask Me. I want to give you that. Talk to Me. I love you. Talk to Me, right now.

And don’t do drugs.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Jesus Christ's Albums Of 2006

The Son of Man loves music. Just about everything that happens to you on Earth has a soundtrack equivalent that is blaring over you for My Angles and Me guide and protect you. Here is some of the songs we heard playing around your life (and a few we didn't) while we were trying to get your attention. Whenever you are tapping along to a cool song, I am there tapping with you.

21. Page France – Hello, Dear Wind

This album came out in 2005, but I didn’t give it a spin until 2006, which is the only reason it isn’t number 1. Hello, Dear Wind is hands down the best “Possibly Unintentional Christian Worship Album” since Areoplane Over The Sea, and I love this album so much, each of My disciples are getting a copy in their Christmas stockings. If you love both Me and unique indie pop reminiscent of early Of Montreal, this album is a must own. The image of Me coming out of the ground is genius, and this band will become a happy ending indeed.

20. R.E.M. - Best of the IRS Years

A Best Of album of songs recorded over a decade ago belongs on no Best OF list, but I’m God so back off. Plus, nothing sounded better in My stereo all year than this. Stipe is a gift.

19. Tom Waits – Orphans

Yet another album that probably doesn’t deserve to be on this list, considering a lot of it we Tom Waits fans have already owned for years, but having it all together on three discs, with new songs thrown into the mix, make this album totally worth the price tag. His rarities are so good, this almost feels like a Tom Waits Greatest Hits album where he forgot to put on any of his hits, but nobody notices because these songs are so amazing.

18. Griffin House – Homecoming

I know Bono, and you sir, are no Bono… but you could get there one day. This CD is hints at the future glory that could become of this singer/songwriter/nicer version of Ryan Adams/guitar guy. It’s at times oddly produced, but it’s all about the songs, and this guy can write songs. If you have not yet meet Griffin House, no need to thank Me, your welcome.

17. Regina Spektor – Begin To Hope

The “Cool Girls Singing Retro Sounding Cool Songs” renaissance is in full swing, and in My opinion, Regina is at the head of the pack. Who knew that name dropping Guns N Roses would sound so hip?

16. Bruce Springsteen – We Shall Overcome

Who’d guess the best Springsteen album in a decade would be an album of covers? This album is so exciting and alive, it makes Me believe that he still has career defining solo work to come. I loved this so much that I hope this could become a series like Mermaid Ave.

15. Muse – Black Holes And Revelations

Muse laughs back at us with the video for “Knights Of Cydonia”, when we finally realize that Muse knew they were way over the top all along. Their epic sound has always seemed to walk the line between Radiohead and The Darkness, and with this album, that line got even thinner. Luckily, the line wasn’t thin enough to send the band tumbling too deep into the cheesy side of RAWK, but they definitely dragged their feet in it more on this album than any of their previous. The result is thus both glorious and fun, like a contemporary Abba.

14. Cat Power – The Greatest

I believe she’s lived in bars, and this album makes Me want to turn some water into wine and put this on repeat and fall asleep happy. Easily her greatest album (get it?).

13. Damien Jurado – And Now that I'm In Your Shadow

The album title alone breaks My heart, and once I get through the second track, I’m ready to give My life for his all over again. Sadly beautiful.

12. Graham Lindsey – Hell Under The Skullbones

This album sounds like songs heard in a back alley behind Deadwood by some down-on-his-luck romantic who’s about to get shot. If that sounds like your shot of whiskey, this album will make you happy.

11. Johnny Cash – American V

Right in front of Graham Lindsey comes the real deal. Cash’s latest and possibly not last of the American series is the most authentic sounding of the bunch, and although I love hearing him sing U2 and Nine Inch Nails song as much as the next Son of Man, this crop of songs sound more true to the Cash persona than Personal Jesus ever did. The fact that “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” is getting airplay is comedy gold for My angels, and the celeb filled video singing along holds tons of future irony they think is pretty funny, too.

10. I'm From Barcelona – Let Me Introduce My Friends

Like The Polyphonic Spree but without the cult-like tendencies, this album sounds like a cross between pure joy and Weezer. I love joy and I love Weezer, so this album worked wonders for Me this year. That’s right, I love Weezer. Back off Me, you like Phil Collins.

09. Bishop Allen – The Month EP’s

I’ve got only January through October, but if the songs “The Monitor” and “Butterfly Nets” were the only two songs on a Bishop Allen CD, that would still make My top 20.

08. Derek Webb – Mockingbird

Derek Webb is one of the few Christian artists that I feel like are truly chasing after My heart. Lyrically, his album is genius and this should be taught in philosophy classes and seminaries. Although David Bazan is usually given the trophy for making Christians most squirm, this album had My jaw hit the floor more times than anything I’ve listened to since Dylan claimed Me his Savior.

07. Flying Canyon – Self Titled

In a year without Iron And Wine, Flying Canyon fit the bill wonderfully. Sounding like the pretty parts of My Morning Jacket and Neil Young, this Bounty soft album floats like a cloud, which I can totally relate.

06. The Decemberists – The Crane Wife

By now, every blog has told you everything that can be said about this band except one thing… “O Valencia” was on repeat and thus My soundtrack during the rebellion of Nat Turner.

05. Over The Rhine – Snow Angels

You might say I’m bias to put a Christmas album on My list since it is essentially a whole album celebrating My birthday, but you’d be wrong because this album is adorable. No album did I just want to pinch the cheek of like this cute as a button record. Any musician can attempt to cash out and throw together a Christmas album (not you, Aimee Mann, I’m talking to you, Twisted Sister), but few can put together an album almost completely of original Christmas songs and make it sound both fresh and vintage at the same time. This is the best Christmas album I’ve heard in years and it might be good enough to play in months other than December.

04. Josh Ritter – Animal Years

Ritter is a stud. This album is much more complex than hinted at from his previous efforts, and thus he put out a better Dylan album that Dylan did.

03. The Knife – Silent Shout

One of the only albums I heard this year that sounded totally contemporary and original, but without being too difficult to not be catchy. This sounds like how top 40 radio should sound in 5 years. Good luck with that Postal Service album Mr. Gibbard, the bar for Keyboad Pop has been raised.

02. J. Tillman – Minor Works

I know whatever Elliott Smith had, because I put it in him, and whatever Elliott Smith had, J. Tillman has it, too. This album is both soft and raw at the same time, and if you aren’t paying attention, it could crush your soul.

01. Joanna Newsom – Ys

If, right after Snow White ate the poisoned apple, but right before she fell asleep, she recorded an a few songs, it would have sounded like this. For an extra good time, burn this album on CD but place the Tom Waits’ Orphans “Heigh Ho” track between every Newsom track, and then you get the complete psychedelic Disney experience more wild than anything at Wild Kingdom. Nothing was as magical for Me to listen on repeat up here in Heaven than this album as I prepare you guys all a cool place up here. This album was easily the unofficial soundtrack to Heaven for 2006, and all the angels know the words by heart.

6 Albums That Denied Me Three Times

Flaming Lips – At War With The Mystics

This album almost sounded more like Weird Al than “Straight Outta Lynwood” did. After listening to this album, I had to listen to “The Soft Bulletin” again just to remind Myself that this is still a band worth following. “The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song” is just about as difficult to listen to as that Boris Pink album, but not in the difficult way that pays off after repeat listenings, unless the payoff you are after is chasing the enemy out of occupied territory.

Indigo Girls – Despite Our Differences

When the Indigo Girls are on, they are on par with any of the folk greats. This album isn’t that bad, but it just makes so many mistakes that it let's you see how wonderful it could have been. Seriously, if produced differently and given to Conor Oberst to sing, some of these songs could disguise themselves as Bright Eyes tracks. Granted, not all of them. Songs like “I Believe In Love” and “Last Tears” are simply unsalvageable. But when Emily isn’t too sweet and Amy isn’t too bitter, their bittersweet personality mix together to make folk music that is painfully underrated. This isn’t an example of that, but there are just enough hints of it on this that make Me long for another Indigo Girls classic that I know is in them.

The Killers – Sam’s Town

This might seem like an easy target, but I’m one of those people who really thought their last album was amazing and I absolutely loved loved loved the single “When You Were Young”. Unfortunately, the retro Springsteen vibe could only hold water on that one track and the rest of the album drags under its lofty weight.

Thom York – The Eraser

The Thom York solo project that he asked not to be called a solo project, and he had every right to be embarrassed. This sounds like Amnesiac leftover demos that York recorded alone with his keyboard, with plans on sending the demos to the rest of the boys to finish up but never got around to it. My hope is that this was the rest of the bands way of getting some bad experiments out of York’s system so they can focus on the good stuff for their next album.

Nelly Furtado – Loose

Although it was nice to see Furtado with an album that sold, it was sad to see her turn her back on her old playful and unique sound in order to stay on the radio. Can you imagine a Best Of album that has “Promiscuous Girl” following “I’m Like A Bird”?

Damien Rice – 9

This album broke My heart. I was excited when I heard the single “9 Crimes”, and ecstatic once I heard the B-side “The Rat Within The Grain”, which might be the best song in his cannon thus far. But then I heard rumors of a new song on the album actually being called “The Blowers Daughter Part 2” and I was a little on edge. Luckily that song got a name change to “Elephant”, but song titles “Sleep Don’t Weep” and “Me, My Yoke, And I” were not so lucky. Long story short, I loved “O” and this album is so embarrassing it has Me questioning how good “O” really was. The basic problem is that it just isn’t that pretty and it isn’t that fun. He clearly wanted to shake things up a bit, but he shook too hard and it all fell to pieces. Unfortunately, those pieces were released without “The Rat Within The Grain”, but “Elephant, Also Known As The Blower’s Daughter Part 2” still made the cut. This is the only album from 2006 that made James Blunt sound tough.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

When They Come

We all know that Devendra Banhart is essentially this generation’s Charles Manson, and it is simply a matter of time before he kills a lot of people. His music is insanely more terrifying than any “screamo” or “goth-core” band currently hunting the Jr. High market. However, it is often rare that Hollywood agrees with this thought. Usually, if a scene requires scary music, some sort of Rob Zombie-ish shrieking over a wall of guitars does the trick. The movie trailer below steers away from that, however, and thus accomplishes the goal of a truly freaky preview. Like the first Spiderman teaser trailer showing the Twin Towers, the video below will not be easy to find for long, for as soon as Devendra Banhart goes on his inevitable killing spree, this will be pulled and the music will be replaced by the next most terrifying musician working today, Neil Diamond, who also is probably due for a killing spree any day now.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Open Letter To Volver Fans

Dear people who tell others to see the film Volver,

Cut it out. Even if you loved it, cut it out. I have not seen Volver. I have only heard great things about Volver. I will not go anywhere near Volver. If a film I want to see is playing at a theatre also showing Volver, I will not go and wait to see it on DVD.

For those of you unfamiliar with Volver, it is the new Pedro Almodovar film starring Penelope Cruze currently has a 91% positive review count on Rotten Tomatoes. Ms. Cruze is apparently so good in this role that she has positioned herself as an Oscar contender.

Peter Travers of Rolling Stone says, “You don’t want to miss this one.”

Richard Roeper of Ebert & Roeper says, “It’s very moving, it’s beautifully done.”

Claudia Puig of USA Today says “Volver is suspenseful, clever, gently funny and always emotionally resonant.”

Jesus Christ of the King Of Kings says, “I’d rather watch Pedro Almadovar take a dump than watch another one of his films”.

Very rarely do I like it when people attack a film. Lots of My “followers” picketed Dogma. Some were enraged against The Davinci Code. Some with The Last Temptation Of Christ. I understand why they might get frustrated with those films. They portray Me in an uncomfortable light, and they are trying to protect Me. It’s cute. I don’t really think I need much protecting, and it might paint people who say they like Me unattractively, but it’s still kinda cute. But when films that truly deserve raging against the machine come out, most of you stay quiet, and that really gets to Me.

So, should people be upset about Volver?

Should people spread the word and tell others not to support such a film?
Is it sacrilegious and in poor taste?
Why then, should it be attacked?
That means you haven’t seen it?
But the reviews have been through the roof?
Why not?
A bad preview doesn’t necessarily mean a bad film, and you usually side with the majority of critics on your film tastes, yet you won’t even give this a shot?
Why not?
What, a lot of them are great! Are you nuts?
What about Women On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown?
What about Talk To Her?

Here’s what you are really saying if you tell friends and family to see Volver:

“We really don’t know each other too well.”
“I don’t really think you’d like this film at all, but I’d like you to associate me with pretentious films rather than Happy Feet, although you’d probably enjoy that film more, because I sure did.”
“I justify staring lustfully at Penelope Cruze’s cleavage for two hours by calling it art”
“I endure the taste of tofu.”

The preview alone is boring. Again, the preview is boring. Once more, the preview is boring. When I say things three times, I mean it people. This film looks painful! “Volver” is Spanish meaning “to return”, and if I ever saw this film, I’m sure I’d want “to return” the earth around a few on its axis ala Donner’s Superman and stop Myself from entering the theatre. See what I just did there? That’s a pun using the film title. Classic film criticism technique. Learn it. This film looks just terrible. I have sat through way too many Almadovar films due to wonderful reviews like many of the above, and I will not be making the same mistake again. Seriously, I’d rather see The Holiday than Volver. Wait, no I wouldn’t, but I’d rather watch lions tear Daniel apart than sit through Volver. I’d rather watch Moses say “Let my people go!” only the be promply arrested and beheaded than sit through Volver. I’d rather start re-creating all the insects by scratch than sit through Volver. I’d rather… you get the point, I have no desire to see this terrible looking film. What are the show times for Inland Empire?

Monday, December 04, 2006

Yes, I Can Hear You When You Call

Some of you are clearly chasing after My heart. I like it. It’s cute. Here are a few helpful pointers, if you really want to win Me over.

1. Love Me.
2. Love others.
3. Put Spiritualized songs on mixes.

When you love Me, it shows you care. When you love others, it shows you are willing to honor Me. When you put Spiritualized songs on mixes, it shows you have a heart for beautifully broken music.

Spiritualized has recorded a few of the best albums ever that deal with the difficulties of finding Me in a world so full of sin. I love Spiritualized with My whole heart, and their past two albums sound more genuine than most music on “Christian” radio. He seems to struggle with both loving Me and loving heroin, and that struggle always makes for fascinating music from a tortured soul. If you do not know much about Spiritualized, do yourself a favor and track down the epic album “Let It Come Down” or “Amazing Grace”. Truly glorious stuff, hallelujah!

Jason Spaceman of Spiritualized has been touring with a string of acoustic shows, complete with a string quartet, and backup gospel singers. The below bootleg is from the Edinburgh stop of this tour. It’s beautiful and I hope you enjoy. God bless J. Spaceman, and a special blessing for Tea With Tufty, who originally uploaded this show.

Spiritualized, Acoustic With String Quartet And Gospel Singers
Edinburgh 11-25-2006

01. Sitting On Fire.mp3
02. Devil Town + Lord Let It Rain.mp3
03. True Love Will Find You In The End.mp3
04. Straight And The Narrow.mp3
05. Cool Waves.mp3
06. Hold On.mp3
07. Amen.mp3
08. Soul On Fire.mp3
09. Walking With Jesus.mp3
10. Going Down Slow.mp3
11. So Hot.mp3
12. Stop Your Crying.mp3
13. Anything More + Ladies And Gents.mp3
14. Lay It Down Slow.mp3
15.Baby I’m Just A Fool.mp3
16.Goodnight Goodnight + Funeral Home.mp3
17. Lord Can You Hear Me.mp3
UPDATE These links don't work. EZArchive has denied Me 3 times, the cock has crowed, and now they are in shock with the realization of what they have done. I need a new way to post mp3s, for EZArchive has turned against Me. Anybody out there got any advice for the Son of Man in regards to more trustworthy file hosting than my old friend that no longer supports Me?