Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Open Letter To James Cameron


I recently heard the news that you found My body. Word on the street is that you and some friends were digging around and found My dead corpse of a body, alongside of My mom and the rest of the gang. You are going to release your findings in a documentary regarding the possible excavation of My body. When hearing this news, a few red flags immediately go up, and I’d like to share them with you.

1. This is what you were doing instead of helming Terminator 3?!!! It’s like you gave away your child to be babysat by the Paul Reiser character from Aliens, not caring that all of America was about to pay homage to your amazing Terminator films by purchasing tickets and watching your series be totally ruined by this lame finale. Thanks. That would be like Sam Raimi giving up the director chair of Spiderman 3 to McG. Or Bryan Singer giving up the director chair of X-Men 3 to Brett Ratner. Wait. You get My point.

2. If My body was really still down there, than that would mean I did not come back to life, thus not being actually the Son of God, but a liar. If I was lying about being God’s kid, then I would have no supernatural power to save your career after you turned in the screenplay for Rambo:First Blood Part II… but I did save your career after your script for Rambo:First Blood Part II. So if I am not the Son of God and using My love for you to propel your successful career, then how in the world did you rebound from that painfully awful script? Sure, the film made tons of money at the box office, but so did True Lies, and we both know there must have been some divine intervention for that one. I mean, look at that cast!
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jamie Lee Curtis, Tom Arnold, Bill “Chet” Paxton, Charlton Heston, and Tia Carrere... if this came out today, you’d be lucky to if it went straight to video. My point… I ain’t dead and you’re welcome.

3. James, it’s clear you are not whole. You are searching for something to make you feel whole and you can not find it. You were searching for Me when you thought you were searching for the body of Me. You thought you found Me, but you only found your possible future… a dried up corpse that nobody remembers. I am down there. You can find Me. But you won’t find Me in a tomb. You’re on wife #5. Love will not make you whole. You know this. You have the biggest film of all time. Success will not make you whole. You know this. This desire to be whole has lead you to become an adventurer. Humorously, these adventures lead you to literally be looking for Me. You are on the right path, just the wrong goal. Don’t look for My body, look for My heart. That is the only truly great adventure left, and that is the only way the mighty James Cameron will actually feel accomplished. To quote The Abyss, “you have to look with better eyes.”

James, I love you. I love your movies. I’m so excited to hear you’re directing again. Keep looking for Me, and one day we will meet. I’m knocking on a door that I know you are hearing. Unfortunately, you opened the wrong door and rushed in videotaping. Put down the camera and try door #2.

I love you,
The King of the World

Friday, February 23, 2007

What I've Learned

Jesus Christ loves reading Esquire Magazine. I have a subscription to a humorous amount of magazines, and Esquire is the one I usually get the most excited for. One thing they do that I love is the “What I’ve Learned” section, where they ask mostly cool old people who are dying to list what they’ve learned. They’ve never asked Me to contribute, so I made a list for you to read on My holy blog. Enjoy.

What I’ve Learned
By Jesus Christ

  1. God made your world and religious people will destroy it.
  2. Nobody will believe you if you tell them you’re going to get killed but then come back to life.
  3. Gatorade A.M. is basically just normal Gatorade with an annoying marketing strategy.
  4. Nobody likes an unexplained parable.
  5. Even if you have the ability to instantly restore sight to the blind by praying for it, the crowd really gets a kick out of you spitting in some dirt and rubbing it on the blind eye first.
  6. If you don’t consider yourself a leader, My Dad thinks you’d be great at it.
  7. Atheists better pray to God they’re right.
  8. Every day, people choose not to see Me.
  9. Television doesn’t get much better than the second season of Buffy.
  10. Nobody wants to wash your feet.
  11. If you were just badly beaten and dying, you will not find drinking vinegar refreshing.
  12. If you are trying to nail a person up on a piece of wood, nails through the wrist hold better than through the palm.
  13. Most people don’t trust Me.
  14. People hate to hear the truth. Weezer is underrated and Sonic Youth is overrated.
  15. People who practice what I preach tend to anger religious people.
  16. If a party is turning lame, bring out the good stuff.
  17. I don’t need you to do anything. The story isn’t about you.
  18. Belief that I am who I say I am rarely comes through debate.
  19. My Dad is to redemption as Kurt Busiek is to Superman.
  20. No matter how many different ways I tell you I love you, if you don’t deal with your sin then you won’t believe Me.

Monday, February 05, 2007

I Bear The Scars

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only two inches taller. ~Steven Wright

I’ve never been a big fan of tattoos. It’s even mentioned in My biography. So, I always get a kick out of the fact that Me or a some image symbolizing Me are the most common things tattooed on a human body. Either people haven’t read My book, or they think that it’s okay because they are advertising for Me… like I “need” marketing.

I’m also not too big a fan of people worshiping pretty much anything that isn’t Me. I get a little jealous about that kind of stuff. I know that music can be powerful and fulfilling, but there is a fine line that is easy to cross when it comes to loving a band and worshiping a band… or even more awkward, loving the image of what you think the band represents. Oh, you cute little image based society!

That being said, I am a big fan of you. I love you very much, and if you seem fit to go against My better judgment and ink yourself all up, I’ll still love you if you ask. While bouncing around on the net, I found some pictures of tattoos that seem to highlight that struggle I was talking about regarding walking that fine line between loving a band vs. worshipping a band. You think any of these go above and beyond the call of music enjoyment? I sure hate to think that, for some of you, Jeff Mangum is your Baal. And as far as false idols go, I guess you could do a lot worse, but I don’t count the degree of the blunder, just the fact that you blundered at all. Anyway, I love you, Mangum tattoo or not. Enjoy these fascinating tattoos that I spent way too much time searching for… and for the record, DO NOT search for tattoos for the band Hot Hot Heat if you have your Google Search Engine filter turned off. Same goes for New Pornographers. You can try searching for The Pixies, but mostly all you get back are tattoos of pixies and not too many of Black Frances… which kind of sounds like something that would eat pixies, which would be a really cool photoshop idea I might try one day. Rambling, sorry. On to the tattoos…

First up, we have some Neutral Milk Hotel lovin'...

Now how about some Sigur Ros tattoos?

Maybe a Bright Eyes tattoo is more up your alley?

What about some Elliott Smith tattoos?

Or how about the lyrics to Bjork's "Bachelorette" in brail?

How willing are you to show off your love for Ween?

Or Green Day?

How about a Death Cab tattoo?

Or Guided by Voices?


Here's some love for Tom Waits...

Depeche Mode!

Here's a common Chili Pepper tattoo...

And here's a not too common Strokes tattoo...

Not too many Elvis Costello tattoos out there...

But there is a surprising amount of U2 tattoos, including this first one with is the chords for the chorus of "One".

How about a cool Godspeed tattoo?

Or a not quite as cool Hanson one?

How about a tattoo to show your love for the guy who did that amazing Loenard Cohen cover and also recorded one half of a perfect first album?

How cool would you feel with the autographs of the two Johns from They Might Be Giants tattooed on your ankels?

Smashing Pumpkins tattoos are neat!

And Nine Ince Nails tattoos, even neater!

Ramones tattoos are a dime a dozen, but this one stood out.

Not quite as many Radiohead tattoos online as I would have thought. In fact, I found double the amount of Ween tattoos than of the cute little Radiohead bear...

The Pixies!

Okkerville River!??

Next up, we have some Peal Jam tattoos which may or not be on Heather of I Am Fuel We Are Friends Fame. It kind of looks like her, but so did those They Might Be Giants ankles...

Here's a Modest Mouse tattoo...


There are a crazy amount of Morrissey/The Smiths tattoos out there...

And finally, saving the best for last... two Counting Crows tattoos that I know can not be real, but are worth posting just to make you smile.

Got any tattoos of a band you like? Then you're unique! I once was at a R.E.M. concert back in 1999 in Atlanta, and I met a woman who had, no lie, a tattoo of R.E.M. bassist Mike Mills above her left breast. I have searched online for a picture of her to no avail. If you know anything about this woman, and maybe have access to an image of her tattoo, PLEASE send it My way. I know that I am the Son of God and I can do anything, so I don't really need your help with this... I just thought it might be fun for you. Happy hunting! I love you. Stay away from tattoos... unless they are of Husker Du. Those tattoos don't really bother Me for some reason. Really, anything from 1980's Minneapolis excluding Prince is pretty cool in My book.