happy birthday

My dearest little two-headed boy,

I love you, little two-headed boy.
Little two-headed boy, I love you.
Yes I do.

And one day
the little two-headed boy will die
and his ashes will fly
from the aeroplane over the sea.
And when we meet on a cloud,
he’ll be laughing out loud.
He’ll be laughing with everyone he sees.
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all.

Sweet little two-headed boy,
put on your Sunday shoes
and dance around the room.
I love you.
Baby carrot flower, happy tenth birthday.

Love,
A Place Where Some Holy Spectacle Lies

Heath and Me

The heart of Jesus is breaking all the time. It comes with the job. If I am going to know the hearts of man, it’s going to hurt. I just saw the image above, and it breaks My heart. Allow Me to explain.

I have a book. It’s more like a journal, but I call it the Book Of Life. This book is really just a list of names, along with the date. Whenever Myself and a human become friends, I add their name in the book and the date in which the person asked Me into their life. The book is a big deal because it will be next to My Dad when He is deciding who to let into Heaven. Because Heaven is perfect, He can only let in perfect people. This can be difficult for most people because as soon as they do one stupid thing, there is nothing they can do to make themselves pure again. If anybody has ever missed the mark and screwed up, they are not allowed into the eternal Kingdom of God.

However, there is a loophole. Hi. Nice to meet you. I’m your Loophole. Right before I died, My Dad put all the bad stuff that has ever happened in the world into Me. Every time you put yourself before God and others. Everything you did that tried to lift yourself up like a God. That one time your mom told you not to touch something, but you did anyway. All that was placed into Me, and then I was murdered with all of it locked inside Me.

The loophole is simple. If you want My death to also count for the death of your sins, just ask. I already did it, so it’s no big deal. My Loophole is a gift to you. I offer you purification. Just say “thanks”. Once you and I are pals, I write your name in My Book Of Life. When you die, there’s a trial. God looks at your life to see if you were able to stay perfect, since only perfection can be allowed into perfect Heaven. Most likely, you’re going to screw up. And just as My Dad will sadly deem you not worthy, I’ll jump in for you. I’ll tell My Dad that it’s all good. That you and I are pals. I’ll show the court My Book Of Life with your name and date written in it. And God smiles. And you smile. And then We lead you through the gates where angels have written you a song specifically for you. It will be the most beautiful song you have ever heard. You will see faces of old family and friends looking so happy you made it in. You will see gold and you will see diamonds. And you will see God shining like the Sun. And you will run to Him. And you will know Love.

Heath did this last night.

19 years ago, He and I had a conversation while he was lying in bed. We became friends. We really didn’t talk much after that. I wish we talked more, but most people think they are fine on their own. I love him though, and although we rarely talked, that night I put his name in My book.

Do not let anyone tell you whose names are written in My Book Of Life. That is between Me and that person alone. They have not seen My book. Lot’s of people read My biography and have trouble with it. There seems to be a lot of information in there that can confuse some of My followers. So, I will simplify it again for some of My followers who might be a little confused.

Love Me. Love others. My Father will judge and condemn.

Homosexuality is a cause of sin. So is stealing. So is talking back to your parents. So is hitting. So is gluttony. I don’t see too many people picketing the funerals of the overweight. Please stop picking the sins you think are damnable. We’ve got it all figured out. You just work on loving Me and loving others, and We will take care of the justice. I know you are trying to do the right thing. I know you are trying to follow Me. I spoke nothing about homosexuals while on Earth, but I spoke a lot about loving broken people. I spoke a lot about how to love broken people. You might want to re-read some of that. We have a video of your whole life, too. Out of control on video tape.

Now, Heath Ledger is perfect. Now, Heath Ledger is pure. Let his family and friends celebrate that without being reminded that a lot of Christians are still pretty broken.

And despite this quote on the WBC flyer, “God hates the sordid, tacky bucket of slime seasoned with vomit known as ‘Brokeback Mountain’”, I loved that movie. That quote sounds more like My A Knight's Tale review, but Brokeback Mountain was great.

The Rise and Fall and Rise of Juno

Juno is an almost perfect film. I know this because I know perfection. I am perfection. Juno is almost perfection. Which is what makes the current Juno backlash so fascinating. There is a growing amount of people that are arguing that Juno was just above average, that Juno is well acted but overwritten.

Some of these people feel threatened by Juno. It’s too sweet. It’s too simple. It’s too pushy. It’s too one-liner-ie. Nobody talks like how Juno talks. Some people are too cool for Juno. Some people are not cool enough for Juno. Some people just can’t admit to liking a cute film. People will loudly proclaim that they did not like Juno, and by saying so feel like they are making a stand. Some people are just angry people, and have a hard time standing behind anything that isn’t angry. For example, you would have trouble finding someone who hates both Juno and South Park.

There are Facebook groups with such titles as “I Hate Juno”, “Juno Is A Horrible Movie”, “Juno What Blows, This Movie”, “Juno, The Great Disappointment”, and four groups all with the title “Juno Sucks”. The popular movie news website Joblo, despite one of their reviewers earlier giving it a 9.5 out of 10, just ran an article by one of their writers about how they didn’t like Juno. Internet Movie Data Base is also swamped with people who are excited to rage against Juno, with over 80 one star reviews. Here are some quotes, which I will keep anonymous:

“It tried way to hard to be cool and be liked rather than be a good movie. Even though im a fan of Iggy Pop, Sonic Youth, Dario Argento etc. it was way to obvious that those references were randomly placed in the movie to seem cool. And just because The Shins got popular off Garden State, that doesnt mean that you should try and do the same with The Moly Peaches. It was also painfull to listen to Juno and her friend talk. Yeah, we got it. . . you want the dialouge of Napolean Dynamite so you can make all of the money off t shirts and dolls, but you wanna be remembered like Garden State. God this movie was dissapointing.”

“Juno's voice and dialogue were fkn painful to endure. I cringe imagining wannabe hipster kids quoting all those crappy, pseudo-cutesy/clever catchphrases from this abysmal waste of time. There's a difference between using slang to make a movie seem realistic and using it as a series of glorified, flat one-liners, and Juno definitely hit solely the latter of the two.”

"Juno is so overrated I could cry."

“Plays like an ad for the anti-abortion movement.”

“The only reason this movie deserves a 1 is because the scale doesn't go down to zero or negative numbers. This was literally the worst movie on the planet. I would rather see a movie with talking animals than this movie. The best part of the movie was when it ended although the darkness in the theater helped me get a good nap. The writer of this clearly had a great public school education because this movie idea probably came when she was taken a deuce and looked down to see a script. I think if you had the choice between this movie and any other movie, take the other one. If it's between Juno and a family reunion, go to the family reunion, your Uncle Bob probably hasn't seen you in a long time anyway. If it's between Juno and giving blood, give some blood, it'll make you feel charitable. If it's between Juno and a slow and painful death, it really doesn't matter which way you choose because those are the same. This was the only movie I have ever spent sleeping the first 30 minutes and then listening to my IPOD the last hour. And whatever you do, don't see it with someone you're going out with. If it's a guy, he'll want to get you pregnant, and if it's a girl, well, you'll want to get pregnant. I think it's best for your unborn child and for your well being to try to get a restraining order on Juno and if that turns out to not be possible, just burn down any movie theater that is showing Juno, trust me, it's worth the jail time.”


Now some people might argue that everyone is different and that I made people to have different likes and dislikes, and this is true. It is also true that a select few out there fit in the category entitled “People God Made That Will Not Be Able To Enjoy Juno”, but that is a very short list. So then, if God didn’t make so many Juno haters, what is going on with this backlash?

Simply put, most people have insecurity issues.

If you know somebody who really didn’t like Juno, they probably think about themselves way too much. They worry way too much about how others perceive them. With so many people are thinking about themselves, there’s hardly anyone left to think of others. Ellen Page plays a character that is almost to fun and charming for many people, and they see in her what they are not. If you are more excited to shout out to anyone how you disliked Juno more than other films, than you should really wrestle with how you became that way. What are your thoughts of Beowolf? What did you think of National Treasure 2?

Why does Juno offend more than other films? Because if you admit to liking it, you are admitting that you thought it was cool. In a way, this puts the film above you on the coolness scale. If you didn’t think it was all that, even though most all film critics loved it and Ebert called it the best film of 2007, if you thought it was “just alright”, then you can attempt to feel cooler than this film. But that has nothing to do with Juno at all, and everything to do with you feeling like you are something special and unique. I did make you special. I did make you unique. But I also made you to enjoy Juno, and it breaks My heart when you go against how you were made.

To the two of you reading this who are one My short list of “People God Made That Will Not Be Able To Enjoy Juno”, this post is not for you. I love you, now go watch Alvin And The Chipmunks again.

NO NEED TO SHOUT

Every so often, somebody likes to yell at Me in My blog comments. Rarely do I respond via this blog. However, I would like to respond a recent comment, which I have copied and pasted below. The comment was as follows:

IF GOD REALLY DOES EXSIT WHY IS IT THAT HE MAKES UP SUFFER AND IF HE IS REAL WHY DOES HE GIVE US EMOTIONS WHEN SOME OF THEM WILL HURT US OR THE PEOPLE WE CARE ABOUT. WHY IS IT THAT HE GIVES US LIFE AND LITTLE HAPPINESS BUT TAKES AWAY LIFE AND OUR HAPPINESS WHEN WE ARE GLAD TO HAVE WHAT WE HAVE AND HE TAKES IT AWAY. I SAY THAT IF GOD REALLY LOVED US HE WOULDN'T MAKE US SUFFER AND WOULDN'T TAKE AWAY THE THINGS OR THE PEOPLE WE CARE ABOUT THE MOST.


And now, My response…

Dear Anonymous,
I have created your world and your life. I have loved you ever since I made you in a special place. While creating you, I placed in your heart a set of morals. I remember the morals which I gave you, and I remember specifically placing in those morals the rules of when and when not to excessively use your caps lock key. You clearly went against your own heart which I made for you when you went against your better judgment and typed your whole comment in capitol letters. You know this is wrong, and yet you do it anyway.

Unfortunately, Anonymous, you live in a world surrounded by people that go against the seeds of righteousness I have planted in their hearts. When the world turned against Me, the world fell apart. Why the suffering? Why the Hurt? Why the excessive use of the caps lock key? The answer is only three letters long… S.I.N.

I’m sorry that you have to wrestle about Me in a world so screwed up. The good news is I did something about it. I’ve created a place better than where you’re stuck, a place where suffering doesn’t even exist. I also made a way for you to get up here. If you want in, and believe in Me you do, then calm down on your caps lock key and keep searching for the truth. At the end of your journey, you’ll find Me with My arms spread wide open. That’s a cross reference, get it?

I died for you. I died for your excessive caps lock key use. I died for your anger. I’m sorry you are hurting. You won’t be much longer. I love you. Read My biography and we’ll chat.

Jesus Christ


Anybody else got anything they want to vent My way? Drop Me a line and maybe I'll respond back in blog format.

Jesus Christ's Best of 2007

Jesus Christ’s Favorite Albums of 2007


14. Bloc Party – A Weekend In the City

I love this album. It’s sounds like a smarter Coldplay… which I guess makes it a more complex U2, or a less weird Radiohead, or a more textured Travis, or a less sucky Keane, or a less marketable Snow Patrol, or a more marketable Aqualung. Whatever you want to call it, it’s good. Plus, there’s a song about prayer that makes Me want to dance.


13. Bruce Springsteen – Magic

Here’s My problem with Springsteen, all his music since Tunnel Of Love seem to have lost that sense of Bruce wearing his heart on his sleeve. He is more calculated now, more self aware, more safe. I love the new album a lot. It is loud, playful, and fun. It’s just not quite as dangerous and honest as are the best Springsteen albums. He is a comfortable family man now, and his music sounds like it. Granted, this is still better than most other albums of 2007. If you disagree, it is because I made you with less refined taste.


12. Ween – La Cucaracha

Ween always seems like just a one hit wonder away from being huge. Like all other Ween albums, “La Cucaracha” has some songs that are shockingly amazing, and some songs that are embarrassingly awful. Most all Ween fans agree with this. However, very few can agree on which songs are the awful ones and which are the amazing ones. There are few songs I hated more in 2007 than “Learning To Love”, but there were few songs I loved more than “Woman and Man”. Thus, the magic of Ween. I’m still waiting for the gospel themed album.


11. Roddy Woomble – I Came In From The Mountain

Idlewild front man Roddy Woomble’s solo album sounds like Scotland. It’s nice for Roddy to get away from Idlewild and record a less rocky and more melodic album. I love Idlewild, but find their live acoustic performance recordings more moving than their albums. This album sound more like that version of Idlewild, and Scotland. This probably came out in 2006, but unless you don't care if your name makes it in My book or not, I don't think you should argue with Me.


10. Los Campesinos! - Sticking Fingers Into Sockets EP

I’m putting an EP on this list because I LOVE IT and can not wait for their proper full length. Los Campesinos have the wittiest lyrics of 2007. Very few songs made Jesus dance around His room like a little girl, but “You! Me! Dancing!” had Me wiggling, then hitting repeat, and wiggling more. Have fun picturing that.


9. Jeff Tweedy – Letters to Santa Benefit Living Room Concert

Not an actual album, but I’m God so I count it. I believe this intimate bootleg found Me via I Am Fuel, We Are Friends. I was going to put the new Wilco album on this list, but I realized I have enjoyed listening to this even more. The new Wilco album is lovely, but this bootleg is something special. I know something about Jeff Tweedy’s soul, and this bootleg lets you see that soul more than their proper CD releases.


8. Iron and Wine – Shepherd’s Dog

It is always exciting when a band’s sound evolves, yet it still sounds completely like that band. This is a perfect example of this phenomenon. For those worried that they might miss out on more folk ballad purity, your prayers were answered with “Flightless Bird, American Mouth”. Plus he looks like Me.


7. David Bazan – Live at the Grey Eagle: Asheville, NC 11/4/07

Yeah, not an album again, but I’m God so I can add stuff like this to My list. His new songs are amazing and David Bazan rarely fails to impress Me. And on the creative scale, I only set him to be about a 7.


6. Avril Lavigne – The Best Damn Thing

This is on My list due to the fact that I listened to this album more than most other albums in 2007. I am bearing My heart here. I could have hidden this from you, but I want you to know Me. I love Avril Lavigne. How fascinating is it that this is what happened to punk rock? And to think there was a time when Green Day felt like the soulless definition of punk commodity. However, no matter how you package your bubble gum, it’s still bubble gum. This is bubble gum in it’s purest form, and Jesus loves bubble gum.


5. Okkervil River – The Stage Names

Okkervil River always releases lovely albums, and this is My favorite of theirs, solely due to the Beach Boys nod.


4. Dan Deacon – Spiderman of the Rings

This is the sound of a nerd exploding. If you threw They Might Be Giants, Justice, and Alvin and the Chipmunks into a blender, then recorded the sound spewing out of that blender, you might hear Dan Deacon.


3. Spoon – Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga

The most radio friendly indie rock of 2007, the average 12 year old would love this album. If their song Underdog was on last summer’s kid movie Underdog soundtrack, they would have a much younger audience. The album is easily their most accessible, and also easily their best.


2. Of Montreal - Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?

Like Dylan going electric, when Of Montreal went electronic, a bit of My love for them died. I liked their new dance beats, but I missed the twee-ness of Cherry Peel more. After this album, I don’t care if they never go near any gay parades again. This album raised the Montreal bar to a level I did not know they could reach. Of Montreal have out Flaming Lips the Flaming Lips to become the coolest and most danceable psychedelic pop band of contemporary music. Jesus Christ loves Kevin Barnes.


1. Radiohead – In Rainbows

Like an R.E.M. cover band from Neptune… in the future! This album caught Me by surprise, not because it was good, but because I loved it. My love switched to respect for this band once Kid A ripped apart everything simple about Radiohead. My respect has switched back to head over heels in love with this band. Even disk 2 is better than most music other bands released this year. I question the authenticity of any best album list that has In Rainbows on their list, but not at number 1. I was really hoping no album would be better than Hissing Fauna because I was excited for Of Montreal to have My favorite album of 2007. Sorry Barnes and company, but placing you higher than In Rainbows would be a sin.



Album of 2007 that Broke the Heart of Jesus

Bright Eyes – Cassadaga

Ever join a conversation and get the feeling that they are making fun of you but you really can’t be sure? Maybe with some odd glances and uncomfortable smiles. That’s how I feel when I listen to this album. I get that odd sense that Conor Oberst is putting Me down, and of all the people who have lived on your planet, I am the one person you don’t want on your bad side. I have loved the music of Bright Eyes ever since I first heard his cracking shrieks about lovers being tied together and thrown into the ocean. As people threw out the Dylan comparisons, I agreed, and for a while, even felt that Conor was acting a better Dylan that Dylan. However, this album is the first time I’ve seen cracks in the folk machine. Plus, I get the feeling Conor is mad about Me for something, which sucks because I love the guy.



Jesus Christ’s Favorite Movies of 2007


10. The preview for My Name Is Bruce

I enjoyed this preview more than most films in 2007. There is no way this film can live up to the magic in this trailer, but the idea of mixing the Evil Dead with The Three Amigos sounds like B-Movie perfection.


9. Live Free or Die Hard

This movie had no business being not terrible. It was part 4 of a dying franchise, starring a former action hero who has lost most his drawl. And while still nowhere near as good as the original, it somehow was really, really fun. Die Hard 4.0 walked the line of cheesy action and cheesy dialog, and rarely slipped… and when it did, it was fun. Plus, not since Red Dawn has PG-13 ever looked more R.


8. Superbad / Knocked Up

These films were vulgar, raunchy, wrong, and honest. They reminded Me of the nights when Me and My disciples would sit out by the fire and they would be happy with their full stomachs and wine, and would just start laughing and rambling until things got a little out of hand.


7. 28 Weeks Later

This is the scariest zombie movie since the original Dawn of the Dead. Ever since 28 Days Later, I have stood behind My stance that zombies are scarier when they are slow and wobbly. The first 10 minutes of this film has made Me see the magic in zombies that can run… fast. Like Raiders Of The Lost Ark and Saving Private Ryan, this movie opening is so wild that it eclipses the rest of the film. Not that the rest of the film isn’t good, I loved everything about this movie and I hope this can spawn another sequel.


6. Open Water 2

Rarely are straight to video DVD’s worth renting. However, there is always this hope that maybe, just maybe, this one film might be the one that just somehow slipped through the cracks. Maybe I find one a year that fit the rare category of being better than the straight to video hand they’ve been delt. This year, I think it happened twice. One surprise was the far better than the predecessor Wrong Turn 2, which still was a nasty, gory inbreed slashfest that doesn’t get the Son of God’s approval, but still should have done better than it has. The second one, though, is a film I can happily stand behind. Open Water 2 is a straight to video sequel that not too many people saw, and most who did didn’t seem to think it was anything too special. They are all wrong. I’m God, and I know they are wrong. This film is terrifying and far superior to the original. The plot is simple, what if a group of young adults jumped off a yacht in the middle of the ocean and forgot to put down the ladder? This film follows that premise and its terrifying results. It has nothing to do with part 1, other than the somewhat similar premise, which makes the title a little unfortunate. This film is well acted and well shot, and genuinely scary as the viewer watches this nightmare scenario unfold.


5. Sunshine

I made light attractive. Humans are instinctively drawn to light. I made you that way. This little science fiction masterpiece not only captures this human desire to worship the sun (son), but it is also really creepy! Films that can pull off both beauty and scary are a select few, and this film makes it happen. It’s hard to guess where this film is heading, and once it gets there… well, it’s more than a little startling. Science, religion, horror, adventure, and psychobabble are hard plates to keep spinning without breaking, and director Danny Boyle does a wonderful job and keeping them all above his head.


4. American Gangster

Few people can kill a dog cooler than Josh Brolin.


3. Juno

From start to finish, this film had Me grinning ear to ear. Everything about this film is adorable. It’s Pixar animal baby cute. Everything from calling Sonic Youth noise to threatening to punch wieners, just about every scene and bit of dialogue made Me smile. Plus, this world needs more movies where Kimya Dawson on the soundtrack feels normal. People who put this movie down need to think long and hard about what type of person that want be. Do you want to be the type of person who puts down Juno? People don't like that person, but Jesus will still forgive you, even though it will be hard.


2. 300

This decade’s Matrix, but without possible symbolism about Me. Take Braveheart, take out the heart, and add comic books, and this is EXACTLY how it would look. Film evolution. And like how The Matrix made the new Star Wars films look outdated, so does this with any other action film from this year, such as Beowulf. However, the true reason I love this film is simple. This movie will forever be known to Me as the film that made the possibility of an Oscar-worthy version of Watchmen have the fighting chance it deserves.


1. No Country For Old Men

The reason this was the best film of the year is not the acting or directing, although both are perfect. The reason this film was better than all others was because of the script. This script is perfection, as if I died for the sins of humanity and this script. The “is the villain in the motel room or not?” scene pushes this movie into one of the more complex and fascinating films I’ve seen in years. It is a movie you can enjoy at face value, or dig into and question everything. The magic is not just what is on the screen, but all the possible scenarios that could have happened while the camera was showing us something else. Plus, few people can kill a dog cooler than Josh Brolin.



Movies of 2007 that Broke the Heart of Jesus


3. Pirates of the Caribbean 3

I stood up for part 2. Bought the DVD. Told people it was as good as part 1. This film was so bad, it made Me question the existence of Me.


2. Grindhouse

Three hours of boring winks to the audience. Even the fake previews were less amazing as their hype.


1. Transformers

Only people who didn’t care about the Transformers cartoons and comics could have truly enjoyed this. For the few of us who loved the drama, soap opera, and character development of the Transformers of the 80’s, this movie was a giant slap in the face of how amazing a great Transformers movie could have been. This movie broke My heart more than any more in 2007. Listening to whole theaters cracking up as Transformers peed made Me sweat blood. Bumblebee was not a Beetle, and actually beating up a Beetle in his introduction? But the saddest punch of all… the nod that Star Scream and Megatron have issues with each other, and leaving it at just a nod, as if to tell Transformers fans that they the film makers “get it”. This film could have been something special. Instead, they just filmed up close action that was difficult to follow, and then they killed the black Transformer. Heartbreaking.



Best Comic of 2007

The Green Lantern Sinestro War


Best Book I Read In 2007 That Could Have Been One Of My Parables

The Road, by Comic McCarthy


Best Person of 2007

you

Alright

I'll keep blogging. Best of 2007 to come shortly!

Anybody Out There?

Hope you enjoyed My birthday. I've been busy. I love you. Should I start updating again, or just let this blog die (only to come back 3 days later... but then to go up to Heaven forever)? Any thoughts?

21 Reasons Why Jesus Christ loves In Rainbows

21 Reasons Why Jesus Christ loves In Rainbows by Radiohead

1. Since Kid A, Radiohead became a band I respect more than love. Now, I am madly in love with them once again.

2. Loved the feeling of us again waiting together for a release date.

3. The song Nude.

4. Hearing on October 1st that we would have the new album in 10 days.

5. Hearing Thom Yorke echoing the word “dance” in Jigsaw Falling Into Place.

6. The scissors sound throughout Reckoner.

7. The joy of paying a price I think this album is worth.

8. The surprise of hearing Thom Yorke sing “I just wanna be your lover.”

9. The album length.

10. Thom Yorke reintroducing melody.

11. The song Faust Arp

12. The hints of Paranoid Android rock at the end of Bodysnatchers.

13. CD 2 in December.

14. Nothing but mp3s in the zip folder.

15. The light fear that the band is somehow now tracking all who put these mp3’s into their iPods.

16. People arguing over it being a publicity stunt.

17. The feeling of the album being a gift.

18. The odd sense that the indie kids were all happy together with one album.

19. Wondering what Pitchfork will think of it.

20. The song All I Need.

21. The album points to My invisible qualities, My eternal power and divine nature, which can be clearly seen through this music, and can see Me clearly, so that people who have heard this album are without excuse.

This Is How The World Ends

Hey followers of me who don’t professionally study weather patterns, quit trying to sound like you know what you’re talking about regarding the possibility of their not being a current global warming problem. Don’t quote Christian radio or pastors and try to sound like you are an expert on this. Especially if you have not yet sat through An Inconvenient Truth. I understand that Al Gore is a liberal, but I love him just as much as you… so back off him. He has done more homework on the subject than you, so the least you should do, if you plan on convincing others that global warming is a sham, is to watch the film and let him explain to you some of his reasons behind why he thinks the world is slowly dying… unless you don’t believe that. Unless, somehow, you’ve interpreted My biography in a way that doesn’t have your planet ending poorly. Many of you argue points that the film already has clearly explained, thus making you sound like a clanging symbol circa five years ago. Take care of my gift to you.

PS – extra gold crown for anybody who can name what film the above image is from!

Kathy Griffin and Me

12 Ways I Actually Did Help Kathy Griffin Win An Emmy

1. Stopped that bear from finding her when she was on that hike.
2. Air.
3. Almost made her a really funny meerkat.
4. Made sure they made an Emmy category for both “Outstanding Reality Program” and “Outstanding Reality Competition Program.”
5. Stopped the creation of the show “Steve Martin: My Life On The B List.”
6. Positioned the moon to allow the tides to aid with water purification.
7. Helped her humor by making her awkward in Jr. High.
8. Knew her speech would spark interesting conversation.
9. Diverted horrific tricycle accident.
10. Ensured her hardest competition to be the Dog Whisperer.
11. She was fearfully and wonderfully made.
12. Died for the salvation of My fellow Jew (in heart).

Black Kate Moss

Many of you have been throwing prayers up my way, asking for a black Kate Moss. For a guy who knows absolutely everything, like that time you did that thing to that guys car, asking for a black version of a model was still a little confusing. Then I heard the new Kanye West album, and now I get it.

I also get that many of you who have been praying for this for awhile now probably downloaded this album illegally. I take all that into account for if you get in here or not, so be careful. The IRAA is the least of your worries.

That being said, I LOVE the new Iron & Wine album.

Anyway, in regards to a black Kate Moss...

This is not perfection, people. I make each one of you perfectly. I spend months putting you together. Few things scare Me, but you my friend, I was freaked out when I was putting you together. You were fearfully and wonderfully made, and so was white Kate Moss. I'm sorry if you think I screwed up and that Kate Moss should have been a black person, but I made her a white girl for a reason. Kate Moss is a white girl and she's staying that way.

Now, a black Twiggie, that would be interesting. Although the line "you could be my black Twiggie tonight" might be a little confusing. What about "you could be my white Naomi Campbell tonight"? You could really get wild if you added some crayon colors into it, such as "you could be my neon carrot Gisele Bundchen tonight" or "you could be my eggplant Adriana Lima tonight".

But for the record, no black Kate Moss.

For those of you wondering what a white Kanye West might sound like, pick up his new album, it's pretty impressive.

Back From The Dead

Hey! Son of Man here. How are things going? I’ve been offline for the summer and missed you guys. Sorry to disappear like that. Things got a little wild here. Make sure to ask Me about it if you get up here, it’s a good story. And for all you apologetics kiddies out there… I didn’t really “disappear”, I was just offline and far from the internet.

Again, not that you can’t find Me in the internet, but Jesus Christ, the Guy who writes this blog, was away from His desk. Anyway, what did I miss? Any song of the summer I need to hear besides Umbrella or the Delilah with the worst chorus on current Top 40? I saw the Counting Crows put out their final “Around” song in their epic “Around Here”, “Hanging Around”, “Come Around” trilogy. Is G4 still doing a better job on teen culture than MTV? Any movie come out that was better than “Knocked Up”? People still acting like “Heroes” was an amazing show? What’s been going down?

In God news, I’ve been busy! Hope you guys are feeling blessed, because if you are able to read this, then believe Me, you are blessed. Jesus is your rock and I roll your blues away! Seriously, what great new albums do I need to check out?

Scars

The below poem was emailed to Me, and I was given permission to reprint it here anonymously. I've missed you all very much.
-JC


Scars

Will our heavenly bodies have scars?
I would think our blemishes would
get photoshopped clean.

But Jesus came back with scars.
Holes in his side, his wrists.
Maybe that doesn’t count.
Maybe he wasn’t in Heaven yet
And thus yet to get his new body.

He would look cool with his scars,
Glowing gold with his long brown hair
and jagged scars like wrist tattoos,
maybe a little indented, on all four sides.

Although I only have a few,
I like my scars.
They are who I am, part of me.
I like my creek rock damaged shin.

What about emotional scars?
Will I remember giving that black eye?
Will I remember Jr. High?
Hating people?

If this is all taken away,
is it replaced with something better?
And if so, am I no longer me?
Some sort of holy me
which I currently can hardly relate?
Will I like the perfect version of myself?
Will the flawed me disappear from existence?
Perhaps there will be heavenly video footage
stored in the holy library,
videos of our whole lives,
of who we were,
before we were made right.

Hallelujah, whatever

Once you become friends with Me, part of Me literally moves into your body. I can do that. I’m very powerful. So, that part of Me helps you out all the time. If you listen close, you can her Me talking to you through that little version of Me that lives in your heart. When you talk to Me, this hobbit-like mini-Christ is what translates your conversation into the language of angels. It’s the perfect language, very pure. I’ll teach you it when you get up here. Anyway, this translator is able to take the awkward prayers you attempt to send up to Me, and deciphers it into what you really mean. For example, you wouldn’t believe how many people pray nightly for Me to “bless their day”. That’s pretty vague. You want sunshine? You want to win the lottery? What does that mean? Well, that’s one of the reasons I move inside you, so I can figure out what you are saying. That’s also why you can worship Me by singing words you might not understand like “hallelujah” or “hosanna in the highest”. I can figure out what you think you’re saying, and through your odd prayers or worship songs, you and I can have a relationship that is stronger than you realize.

That being said, I gave you all “great” voices. Just because you don’t think you’d make it to the judge table on American Idol doesn’t mean you have an amazing voice. Ever hear of Bob Dylan? His albums sell more than Chris Daughtry, and he sings like a duck… seriously, when ducks talk, it sounds like “Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall”. The voice I gave you, I hand picked for you, and if you use it to sing to Me, it’s more moving than any other earthly sound.

Below is an example of a voice that might not sell many albums, but sings straight into My heart from his. Turn it up and enjoy. Turn it up loud. Louder, I dare you.

45 Nights In Prison

T-Shirt companies! On your mark!!! Get Set!!!! GO!!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, now that Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail, which t-shirt company will be the first to cash in on this by turning her depressing situation into t-shirt gold? The race is on! Will it be the people who brought us “Say Goodbye-a Sanjaya” shirts? Maybe the people who brought us “Team Aniston” shirts? Or maybe “Team Pam” vs. “Team Karen” shirts? Then there’s the classic “Free Winona” shirt people. Or what about the t-shirt makers who brought us some classic anorexia humor found in the “Feed Lindsay” shirt from back when Ms. Lohan was sick? Who know who will win, all we know for sure is… there will be many contestants. First one to find a "humorous" Paris in prison shirt and post the link in the comments gets an apartment upgrade when they get here. Go!!!

Nine Inch Nails? I Wish!

They were at least ten inches, but more like a twelve. Anyway, I’ve never been a huge Nine Inch Nails fan. Back in the day, I bought Pretty Hate Machine and thought “Head Like A Hole” was pretty amazing, but “Something I Can Never Have” just sounded like a bad possible future Johnny Cash cover (glad he went with the other one).

Pretty Hate Machine had lots of kinda interesting anti-Christian symbolism that mostly just came off as a middle finger up at Me, so as you might imagine, it didn’t enter My holy tape deck too often. For those of you kiddies in seminary that have cool teachers that let you write about “secular culture”, this album is an A+ term paper just waiting to be written.

I’ve been listening to Trent’s new album lately, Year Zero, and despite the mostly positive reviews, I still feel a little too much of that middle finger to enjoy this. However, I’ve been loving his new marketing approach, which many of you might already know about. Trent has been very sneaky getting this album hype all stirred up, and to My surprise, his boldest move has not really been getting too much blog attention. That’s why I, the son of Man, am surprising even Myself (not really) by writing up a Nine Inch Nails themed post. And here, ladies and gentlemen, is why…

That crazy Trent Reznor has snuck into and is now the lead singer of the contemporary country band Little Texas! That’s right, the band that brought you “God Bless Texas” is now fronted by Mr. Trent “The Crow is my favorite movie” Reznor! I wouldn’t believe it Myself if I hadn’t seen their new video with My own two plankless eyes. Check it out for yourself over at iFilm. The iFilm site might make you sit through a commercial first, but it is well worth it to see NIN’s Trent Reznor singing a country ballad with Little Texas as his backing band. That Trent Reznor, what will he think of next?

Youtube Indie Rock Acoustic Guitar Girls

I’m a harp fan. That’s why I hold Joanna Newsom so close to My heart. All My favorite oldies were written for Me on a harp. If I had to pick a second favorite instrument, it would be the recorder. Coming in third, the acoustic guitar…. an instrument that anybody can learn if they put the time and energy into it, and within months you can sound almost like you know what you’re doing.

Songs often point to Me. Singing and talking are not too different, when being created in the physical body. But in a spiritual sense, they are vastly different… and you know what I mean, because you’ve felt it too. There is something spiritual about singing, and I know this because I put it there. People often mistake “worship” as simply singing a song about Me, when in actuality, worshiping Me is a constant day to day possibility that is more a mindset that leads to action… verses singing Me a love song. However, I see why this is often confused, because singing IS definitely an easy way to worship Me, because humanity is so moved by song. Here are a few worship songs that have floated out onto the internet, by way of girls with acoustic guitars. They are all beautiful and they are all worshiping something. Listen closely, and you just might hear Me in the background.

The Decemberists – The Engine Driver

The Shins – Young Pilgrims

Wilco - I Am Trying To Break Your Heart

Radiohead – Karma Police

Bright Eyes – Lua

Neutral Milk Hotel - Two Headed Boy

Antony and the Johnsons – Hope There’s Someone

Death Cab For Cutie – I Will Follow You Into The Dark

Sufjan Stevens – Chicago

Muse – Unintended

Elliott Smith – Between The Bars

Broken Social Scene – Major Label Debut

Arctic Monkeys – When The Sun Goes Down

Oasis – Stop Crying Yer Heart Out

Eisley – They All Surrounded Me

Feist – Mushaboom

Iron and Wine – Naked As We Came

Laura Veirs – Spelunking

Mazzy Star – Into Dust

Pixies – Where Is My Mind

The Smiths – Ask

The Verve – The Drugs Don’t Work

We Are Scientists – Can’t Lose

Antony and the Johnsons – You Are My Sister

King Solomon Reviews Grindhouse

I’ve yet to see Grindhouse. Not because it’s too graphic for Jesus, after all, My life story was made into one of the more violent films ever made. Why have I not see it yet? Because Robert Rodriguez has yet to make a movie that has Me say more than “that was almost really good”, and because I don’t want to see Quentin Tarantino make a good “bad” movie on purpose.

Three hours of film makers winking at the camera, as if to say “see, bad films are fun!” No guys, bad films are bad. If a film comes along like Near Dark, which is an AMAZING vampire film that just happens to fit in the “bad vampire film” genre, that doesn’t change it from being a good flick. Don’t label it bad simply because it is surrounded by lameness. In the same way, don’t make a film purposely lame with the hopes of that being entertaining. Evil Dead isn’t great because it’s a bad film, it’s great because it rises above what should be a bad film (and for that matter, throwing a weapon on as a human appendage doesn’t instantly turn Rose McGowan into Bruce Campbell).

Quentin has yet to make a classic film since Pulp Fiction because he is focusing too much on making film mix tapes for us instead of making amazing films. Sure, Kill Bill would have been mostly good if it was heavily edited into two solid hours, but it’s still a far cry from the culture shifting magic of Pulp Fiction. I’ll eventually see Grindhouse, but definitely not on the holiday of My going through one of the worse possible deaths know to humanity. It’s a renter for the Man Upstairs.

However, I just received an email from… believe it or not… My main man King Solomon. He saw it, and wrote Me a review of it which he gave Me permission to post up here on My holy blog. I think you’ll find it interesting, to say the least. I thought he’d be all his normal “meaningless, meaningless, there’s nothing new under the camera lens”… but to My surprise, he actually enjoyed it. So here you have it, King Solomon’s thoughts on Grindhouse.

Word up, Jesus! King Solomon here, dropping you a line regarding that Grindhouse movie. I’ve seen a lot of movies, but I bet that Quentin Tarantino has seen more. Everything he does is gold. I am beginning to suspect that he made a deal with You Know Who (I mean the Lord of Hosts, who is kind enough to let me post here because of His love… I do not mean Voldemort).

This one time John Updike said of Vladimir Nabokov, “He writes prose the only way it should be written. That is, ecstatically.” …or something like that. This is how I feel about Tarantino films. He shoots them ecstatically.

The first half of the movie is called Planet Terror and it is greater than or equal to completely awesome. I love zombies like the Dutch love tulips; so of course I’m going to like Planet Terror. There were a lot of “suggestive themes” up front so I was glad I didn’t go with Sheba, because that would have been weird. Instead, I brought my son Jeroboam because we are cool like that. It was still a little weird, but nothing I haven’t seen in my days of excess that proved to me that that sinning gets really old after a while (I mean, have you noticed how tired Brittney Spears looks?).

Anyway, the dialogue was gloriously terrible. There was even one plot hole I noticed. (Can you find it?!) Not good bad, either. Bad bad. Which makes it GREAT bad. This is a movie in which our attention is called to every glaring imperfection, and we are invited to celebrate. Oh, it is a treat! So much of a treat, in fact, that I was sure that no matter how great the second act, Death Proof, was, it would not compare.

But, it does compare! The editing is just hilarious, the sound is off at every cut, the girls’ hair isn’t the right way when the camera angles change… delicious. And, of course, an evil Kurt Russell. Death Proof may be a tribute to ‘spoiltation flicks, but it has Tarantino’s finger prints all over it (not literally… that would impede the film viewing experience). Again, the characters engage in some debauchery that, I think, the film shows to be more of a bad idea than a good idea (Don’t use marijuana, you might require your faculties when a stuntman killer is after you).

The chases are more intense than you might like. There is no CG in this movie, so when a girl is hanging out the window at 120 mph, a girl is hanging out the window at 120 mph. It reminds me of Ben Hur (the read Ben Hur, not the 1907 silent movie [Happy centennial, Ben Hur!]) Anyway, it’s intense.

So I have to recommend Grindhouse, but only to our readers who are old and wise. The United States of America says you should be at least 17 to see it. I would say at least 150, but I am old and crotchety.

(WWJB)KS out

I'm Weeping, Too

Here’s how it works. You steer your way through life, and I tweak things around to make sure we all get to the same ending. I know how the world ends, and I know how I’d like to get there.

However, with you guys all running around with free will, getting everything to line up for how I originally planned the finale of the world can be very difficult. For example, I want you to go to work. Because you are self centered and break My rules and heart from time to time, you decide you’d rather call in sick and see 300. Maybe I had planned for you to say something random to your co-worker that would lead to his decision not to sleep with that prostitute he had lined up for that evening, but because you skipped out on work, I need to find other ways to send that co-worker a hint that maybe sleeping with that prostitute would not end well for him. It’s no big deal, I can still make something work… it’s just more complicated.

That being said, Sanjaya is not supposed to still be on American Idol. You guys are keeping him on that show against My will. Again, this isn’t a problem… it’s just more complicated. Every week that Sanjaya stays on American Idol past when he was originally supposed to get kicked off, your whole world is a little bit out of wack and I have to play clean-up.

Long story short, cut it out. Quit voting for him. I get it. It’s funny. We’ll see who’s laughing when the end of the world shows up a little bit earlier than planned because of the events you are all currently setting in motion. Go on, laugh it up.

I Will Make You Fishers Of Cat

I used to love fishing. It made for such a classic analogy. However, I was a fan of fishing with nets. However, no other type of fishing entertains Me more than noodling… the art of fishing for catfish using only your wiggling finger as bait. If you have yet to hear of noodling, you are in for quite a treat! I just came across a website that is selling a DVD entitled Girls Gone Grabblin’, which is a fishing documentary starring girls in bathing suits letting catfish bite their hands. Joy! Here’s a preview for your noodle viewing pleasure:

Preview of Girls Gone Grabblin’

Nothing says “I’m unique!” quite like adding this DVD to your collection. Whip this out when you have friends over, and watch stare at you in confusion! For more on noodling, watch this news excerpt, or buy the documentary Okie-Noodling, with a soundtrack by The Flaming Lips… seriously.