Jesus' Top 10 Taco Bell Sauce Packet Quotes

From reading My biographies, you could probably guess I'm a HUGE fan of Taco Bell. After My sermon on the mount, I would argue it's pretty obvious. So, I was having lunch there today in the body of a 52 year old overweight Asian woman, and I just couldn't help but laugh at some of the odd things written on their sauce packets. There were dozens of different ones, but I decided to pick My top 10, then bring them back to My computer, scan them into a jpg image, photoshop them all into seperate images, mess with the contrast and file size, and then annoyingly attempt to upload them here in some sort of order... for you to possibly find enjoyable, too. Some of these seem straight out of Proverbs, and some don't. Well, most don't, but if they ever make a Proverbs part 2 (Second Proverbs, if you will), these should be considered... well, no they shouldn't, but they still made Me smile and I spent so much time trying to figure out how to get this onto My blog that now I'm just trying to justify that My time was well spent instead of paying attention to those hurricanes... which I will get to later because I can go backward and forward in time so I'm in no ruch. And so, without further ado... My top 10 Taco Bell Sause Packet Quotes!

This Week In God

Jon Stewart hates Me! I mean, this guy really hates Me! I love the Daily Show and I watch it just about every Monday through Thursday, but I can not get over the fact that Jon Stewart totally hates My guts… and this is too bad because while I was stabbed in the guts I was bleeding for him. He hates the guts that fell from My side so that his imperfections would be made pure. That being said… way to go Jon, on your Emmy wins from last night! You might not like Me too much or people who say they follow Me too much, but I am totally head over heals for you. I hope you can see signs that there is a God. I’m leaving them for your around your home. You once argued how could there be an “intelligent designer” when the delicate male genitalia (or guy crotch… or wiener) is placed so awkwardly front and center on the human. Well, Jon, My response to this is… where in the world would you put it?!!! Under the arm pit? Back of the neck? I thought front and center would make things pretty handy for you guys. That planning took a long time!

Oh well.

Jon, I love you. So, give Me a bit of a break, will you? You seem pretty angry and a lot of that seems pointed at Me, but I’m on your side. A lot of religious stuff is really messed up, and your rage is righteous and justified. But please don’t include Me in that. Back in the day, I wasn’t too keen on religion Myself, and a lot of your monologues remind Me of a lot of Mine I shared on top of mountains back in the day. This is kind of hard to explain, but it’s sin you hate, Jon, and I’m sorry you have to steer through that mess. Keep seeking the truth, and hopefully we will talk again soon.

For a fascinating and entertaining time, watch this 45 minutes clip of the best of The Daily Show Evolution Schmevolution Week Special.

Me Camp

I just got an email regarding My thoughts on the documentary “Jesus Camp”. My first thought was, “what in the H is ‘Jesus Camp’”? After a quick Google search, I found information regarding this movie… and let’s just say it looks like a conversation starter! Essentially, the documentary is about a type of little kid Christian camp that looks very backwoods / southern Americana Bible-belt / revival tent Pentecostal / the type of Christianity that leads to big pink hair wigs and asking for donations on bad cable…. type of Christian camp.

Anyway, I’m sure this film is going to get some people pretty riled up. Christians might say that this film is totally one sided to make Christianity look like a freaky brainwashing cult. People who aren’t Christians might say that this film is proof that Christianity is way out of line and is indeed a freaky brainwashing cult… and let Me, Jesus Christ, Son of God, be the first to tell everybody to calm down.

People there is a lot of freaky stuff that happen out there in the name of Me that would make for great cinema. There’s also a lot of great powerful stuff that happen out there in the name of Me that would be pretty boring to watch in a movie theater. This movie preview totally freaked Me out, but honestly this is the stuff I deal with all the time. There is normal Christian stuff and there is abnormal Christian stuff. Some work for some people, some work for others. For smart people, I made smart Christian stuff for you to be apart of. For weird people, I made weird Christian stuff for you to be apart of. For cheesy Christian people, I made Carman.

Click here to see the preview of “Jesus Camp”… and for the record, most Jesus camps are pretty cheesy, a few are even painful, but there are some pretty amazing ones, too (they just don’t make very marketable documentaries).

And click here for an amazing Youtube video that should be tagged “Worst Youthgroup Leader Ever”, watch poor teenagers forced to reenact the contemporary Christian classic song "The Champion" by Carman in front of a live audience or family, friends, strangers, and peers!

Proof That There's A Me - Video Series #002

From time to time, a music video is made that just might prove that there does indeed have to be a God out there somewhere. Coldplay's video for "The Hardest Part" is the latest in the "Proof That There's A Me" Video Series.

It's True, I'm Magic

For talking about Me so much, Sarah Silverman and I aren't really close friends. I wish we were, but she pretty much thinks I was just some human that said some radical things 2,000 years ago but then I died and then some people said they saw Me come back to life but they were just saying that to start a new religion. All in all, that does seem to make more sense than the version I'm more fond of... but it takes some displacement of physics that most are accustomed to when it comes to life and death. Either way, Sarah Silverman is very funny and I love her very much. Here's a quote from her from Jane Magazines website that I found interesting, honest, and sad.

Jane Magazine: What do you think happens when you die?

Sarah Silverman: It would be awesome if there were a heaven, but I'm almost positive there isn't. I think your soul dies and your body decomposes. Heaven is just a survival skill that human beings have to not live their lives terrified of imminent death. But I have no clue. I'm really on the edge of my seat for the answers to this, but I don't know if I'll ever get them.


So, I thought this would be an interesting conversation starter... do you feel that what I said about Heaven is true, or is Heaven just a optimistic way to find the silver lining to one day beomcing worm food? What's your thoughts?

You're All My Brothers And Sisters

I am in love with a band that quite a few other blogs have posted about, and I would like to pass the love on to you, in case this band has slipped past you. The band is named Brothers And Sisters, which is a band name dear to My heart. They’re Texans, and they have about as many band members as I’m From Barcelona. They are heavily influenced by all the bands The Essex Green is influenced by, so to save time I’m just going to say they sound like The Essex Green. Here are links to their Myspace and their label page, where you can download songs and buy their album (10 bucks, cheap!). Then head over to My Old Kentucky Blog and download their killer song "Without You".

And now, for quite possibly the cutest thing you indie kids will find on youbute… I bring you a cute little girl singing along to the Brothers And Sisters song “One Night”. Be careful, if things that are just too too cute physically wound you, you might not want to click on this. I think “cute kid indi rock karaoke” should be the new youtube craze over the current craze of “Ok Go video mimicking”, what do you think?

dare to be stupid

DON'T DOWNLOAD THIS SONG!

The Littlest Angel

I looooooved Nirvana. For the record, I DID want him for a sunbeam, and he was starting to understand that back when he was a cute little high school church youth group kid (no lie), but he always thought he wasn't good enough for Me. Granted, he was right. In fact, nobody is really good enough for Me... and that's the catch. Wanna free gift of forgiveness? Don't try to earn it from Me, because you can never pay it off in full. No worries, though. I grabbed the bill and paid the check while you weren't paying attention. Kurt's up here, believe it or not. He's much happier now, and we go on long walks and make fun of Temple of the Dog. He's recorded a few solo albums up here that sounds more like gothic americana music... kinda like if you crossed "Automatic For The People" with "In The Areoplane Over The Sea". If you make My list, these albums are waiting for you on your holy iPod when you get to your room. Kurt sends his love.

Nirvana - They Hung Him On The Cross.mp3

Mountain Dew Reviews

Jesus Christ Reviews The Different Mountain Dew Flavors

You want to know what is important about the Son of God, read the Bible. You want to know what is not too important about the Son of God, read this blog. One thing not mentioned too often in the Good Book is My love for Mountain Dew. Of all the soft drinks/sodas/pops/tooth acid out there, Mountain Dew is easily My favorite. So you might be wondering, “Hey, Jesus Christ Son of Mankind, what are your thoughts on the other Mountain Dew flavors popping up at my gas station?” Well, Dearly Devoted, I’m glad you asked. Here’s a holy, righteous, and just review of all the flavors of Mountain Dew currently for sale (excluding slurpee flavors… sorry, completeist Blue Shock fans).



1. The Original Green Mountain Dew

Obviously, I’m a fan. The river that runs through Heaven is Mountain Dew. Always cold, always carbonated. This is the soda of the Gods, and by pluralizing that I’m referring to Myself in Trinity form. There is no better soft drink on Earth, and if you disagree then it is because sin in your world has messed with your taste buds. It’s Eve’s fault. Don’t hate the soda, hate the sin. Back in the day, I used to even wash My hair in this stuff to get that cool dreaddy but not dreads look. Liquid paradise. ***** Five Stars.



2. Code Red Mountain Dew

Is it possible to add more perfection to something already perfect? Could simply adding a little cherry flavoring make liquid perfection even better? Not really, but it is a wonderful attempt. It’s still great, but like Johnny Depp as Willie Wonka, it’s just not quite classic. If the original didn’t exist, this would be the world’s best soda, but the original does exist, so why bother… which reminds Me, if Jessica Simpson was a virgin before she married Nick Lachey, that how would she know if his penis was small? She keeps putting Nick down in the press regarding his penis size, like she should be able to to compare it to others. Certianly not Dane Cook’s… I remember when I made his boy parts and let’s just say it’s no Lachey. **** Four Stars.



3. Live Wire Mountain Dew

Something you might not know about dragons… they actually did exist, but only for about two months way before humans were around. They seemed a bit over the top so I had them go the way of the wooly mammoth and the monchhichi. Something you might not know about Live Wire Mountain Dew… it tastes like dragon piss. Something you might not know about dragon piss… it’s not half bad. Most people would think that piss from any sort of animal is not something you should put in your body, but honestly there’s not a lot of good that comes out of drinking soda either. Live Wire Mountian Dew is a lot like Shakira, you could do better but it’s not too bad and it’s fun to watch belly dance.
*** Three Stars.



4. Pitch Black Mountain Dew

Purple Mountain Dew is like is a lot like purple soda with out Mountain Dew… kinda fun but you wish you had some normal Mountain Dew. It’s borderline not even good enough to drink. If somebody offered you some Pitch Black Mountain Dew, it is almost bad enough to just ask for water instead. If you were to drink some Pitch Black Mountain Dew with out knowing what you were drinking, and it was in a cup where you couldn’t tell what color it was, you would probably drink it and then make an odd face and ask “what am I drinking?” and then somebody would tell you that it was Pitch Black Mountain Dew and you would just kinda shrug and then keep drinking it but probably not finish it and make a mental note that you are not too into Pitch Black Mountain Dew. ** Two Stars.



5. Pitch Black II Mountain Dew

Basically, this is like drinking a bad soft drink that somebody mixed in some sour stuff and gave to you as a joke. If you were to drink this without knowing what it was, you might instantly start freaking out that somebody slipped a terrible tasting date rape drug in your soda. I know what cicada piss tastes like because I know everything, and this soft drink is worse than cicada piss, which might not mean too much to you but all you angels out there who read this know what I’m talking about… this drink sucks! I’m puckering up and salivating uncontrollably just thinking about this torture! * One Star



6. Baja Blast Mountain Dew

A soft drink that you can ONLY get at Taco Bell should tell you something… and it should tell you that this drink is really gross. Imagine pouring your cup halfway with normal Mountain Dew, then fill the rest of the cup with watered down Seven Up, and you kinda get the idea on this soda pop. Imagine pouring your baby with half the genes of Kurt Cobain and half the genes of Courtney Love, and you kinda get the idea of this soda pop. Baja Blast is the Frances Bean of colas. ** Stars.



7. MDX Mountain Dew

A non-carbonated Mountain Dew energy drink that looks toxic and tastes toxic, too… but with more syrup. The river that runs through Hell is MDX Mountain Dew. It tastes like Mountain Dew that was opened and sat out in the sun all afternoon, then somebody brought it inside, mixed in a ton of powdered sugar, tossed in a few ice cubes and handed it to you so that you could drink it and get energy but really all you got was sick. When Satan bleeds, MDX Mountain Dew flows from the cut and into bottles for mass distribution. Why drink MDX when you can clip out your front teeth with fingernail clippers… it’s pretty much the same flavor, but cheaper. No Stars.



8. Amp Mountain Dew

Another Mountain Dew energy drink… but carbonated. Like Nickelback, it’s not nearly as bad as MDX Mountain Dew but still completely pointless and looks like a clean shaven labrador retriever in the “Far Away” video. It really almost tastes like normal Mountain Dew, so at first it isn’t too bad… but then the aftertaste hits you and makes you wonder if you just chewed up a bee and you’ll look down at your drink and wonder if a bee died in it and then you’ll make a dry gag face and put the drink down. You know that joke about Mountain Dew is found between Dolly Parton’s breasts? Well, that joke leaves a better taste in your mouth than this carbonated battery acid. If I was running a marathon and quickly stopped at a refreshment table that only offered Amp Mountain Dew or a cup of Tabasco sauce, I’d just keep on jogging because neither would really be too helpful while running a long race. ½ Star.


The Bluegrass Band - Good Old Mountain Dew.mp3

Jesus Loves Damien Jurado

An Interview With Damien Jurado And The Son Of God

Few singers can mess with My emotions more than Damien Jurado. Many of his songs have a heart to them that is becoming rarer in contemporary songwriting. He rarely pushes the emotion at all, letting the lyrics take center stage and allowing the songs to do minor surgery on the heart of the listener. A new command I give you… if you have yet to put his song “Ohio” on a mix CD for someone you are falling for, you have not lived to the fullness to which your life is capable. Damien loves Me, but he mostly keeps our relationship quiet in his songs… but if you look closely, you can see Me all over his songs and career. I recently emailed Damien some interview questions, and he was kind enough to reply.


JC: Hey Damien, how do you think your relationship with Me has been going lately?

Damien: Let's keep that between you and me.

JC: Hey Damien, who is doing more for My kingdom, Mel Gibson or David Bazan?

Damien: Vincent Gallo

JC: Hey Damien, do you think you have recorded an album better than Bruce Springsteen's "Nebraska"?

Damien: I haven't ..but Jandek has.

JC: Hey Damien, is it true that you got Rosie Thomas pregnant?

Damien: Just twice.

JC: Hey Damien, you look tough, but if you got in a fight with all the Sleater-Kinney women at the same time, would you be able to take them?

Damien: With You on my side anything is possible.

JC: Hey Damien, would you rather dance around in your house while doing the dishes to an Of Montreal album or to that one Bright Eyes album that was kinda technoish like the Postal Service?

Damien: I would rather stab my eyes out with shards of glass while listening to Celtic Frost... You know that!

JC: Hey Damien, do you think the whole Bible is the Word of God, or just some of it?

Damien: I don't know, I read the Bhagavad-Gita.

JC: Hey Damien, do you really break chairs... and if so is it on purpose?

Damien: I do. I don't know how... but I do.

JC: Hey Damien, when do you think you and I first met?

Damien: It was at the bottom of a LDS baptism pool.

JC: Hey Damien, what song of yours would you consider is your most spiritual?

Damien: None of them ..unless I am chanting "hare krishna".
Thanks for the interview, Damien! I love you very much and I am excited to watch you as you grow more and more into the man I have made you to be. Some of the angels have been working on a new song for you to hear for when you enter through My gates, and it is so beautiful I guarantee you will weep when you enter into eternity. My house has many rooms, and we have been preparing you a fun one with a killer view of the river. Keep on loving your family and your gift of songwriting… and forget Me not! Below are some of My favorite Damien Jurado songs. If you like these and you have yet to own a Damien Jurado album or two or three, hunt them down asap. Damien has an audio blog where you can hear some new demos of songs, which can be found here.

Damien Jurado – There Is A Power (live).mp3

Damien Jurado – Chevrolet (live).mp3

Damien Jurado – Ohio.mp3

Damien Jurado – I Can’t Get Over You.mp3

Proof There's A Me

Watch this every morning when you wake up. It's like reading Oswald Chambers, but quicker and just as effective. If you look for Me, you can see Me in lots of surprising places. Click in the middle of this video window, and you just might be able to see Me smiling at you through your computer screen...

Bazan The Lion

Ex-Pedro The Lion’s David Bazan is My favorite living “person who says he follows Jesus Christ” songwriter on Earth right now. His lyrics are challenging and honest and his lyrics are better than just about anybody else’s lyrics who you currently think might be better than his. He is HANDS DOWN the bravest indie musician currently in the scene. I say again, he is HANDS DOWN the bravest indie musician currently in the scene. Again, he is HANDS DOWN the bravest indie musician currently in the scene. You know I mean this, because when God repeats thinks three times, it’s a pretty big deal. Look it up. I don’t repeat Myself often, but when I do, it’s for something special. Feel free to argue away at who you might think is braver, that but you’d be wrong. 5 Reasons why the son of God believes this:

1. He boldly, bluntly, wisely, and creatively shares his faith in a crowd that is largely void of people who believe I died for them so they could live forever with Me in purity.

2. He answers questions regarding anything about his life during his shows, and doesn’t back down or sugar coat his feelings.

3. He often sings about Me… thus almost immediately losing any indie rock audience or credibility (and don’t thow Sufjan at Me, because name dropping “Bible study” is not in the same depth to which Bazan dares dive).

4. He cusses in songs, sings about having sex in songs, and questions the Bush administration in songs, and name drops awkward slang for semen that’s always a challenge to sing along to… thus almost immediately losing any stereotypical Christian audience (try to find his albums at a Christian store… good luck).

5. He writes songs attacking Pitchfork Media.

David Bazan is an island, seemingly all alone with just himself and Me at his side. See him live and watch the sparks fly as some come to worship, some come to heckle, and some come shouting for Barrabas. Below are a few tracks and a live question and answer segment that I think are fascinating.

This first track is a live question and answer segment from a live show last June that explains how the song “Selling Advertising” is directly written for Pitchfork Media head writer (and common Pedro disser) Ryan Schreiber. The track following is Bazan singing the aforementioned song from the same show that is worth listening to not only because it is interesting to hear it but the dialog after the song following it talks a little more about his distain for Pitchfork.

David Bazan - Live Question and Answer Segment regarding the song “Selling Advertising”.mp3

David Bazan – Selling Advertising (live).mp3

Here’s a new song about Pedro splitting up and the egos involved, from his great new EP entitled Fewer Moving Parts.

David Bazan – Fewer Broken Pieces.mp3

Finally, here’s an acoustic live song from an earlier Bazan album under the name The Headphones. I consider The Headphones album a pretty interesting train wreck, but this song I feel really translates well acoustically.

David Bazan – Hot Girls (live).mp3

These live mp3’s I grabbed from the blog Bradley’s Almanac, and Bradley is nice enough to have the whole show available for download here. Thanks, Bradley!

Laugh Out Loud

If feels good to enjoy a hardy laugh, and this video clip, My friends, had the Son of God enjoying many a good laugh. Did that sentence make sense? If not, then I was speaking in a parable. Those with ears, let them hear!

Anyway, the below video is genius. Heres the sell, some sound editing ninja took James Earl Jones quotes from other movies and dubbed them into Star Wars scenes as if the quotes were being said by Darth Vader. It's almost 10 minutes long and I just watched it twice. Comedy Gold!