Thursday, March 23, 2006

Me and Michael Stipe

As many of you know, Jesus Christ thinks R.E.M. is one of the best bands ever, and that’s including all those bands from the 1400’s, which were never able to record but were amazing none the less. R.E.M.’s lead singer, Michael Stipe, is a gift to you guys and you all should respect the man… unless you heard their last album and then I kinda understand why you don’t. However, just about every album besides that wreched “Around The Sun”, in My humble opinion, are just about flawless. In fact, go over to right now and buy a copy of “Lifes Rich Pageant”. I’m God. Do it. Why don’t you people hardly ever obey Me? I asked you to pray for Me and yet you sleep. Fine, don’t buy it, but if you go to a used CD store you have little excuse not to pick up a used copy of any older random R.E.M. CD, which are cheap and better than just about anything else you could be leaving with.

So some of you might know that Michael Stipe and I don’t talk much. This pretty much breaks My heart because I love him so much. He knows a lot about Me, and believe it or not, I’ve actually shaken his hand a couple times after shows, but he kinda keeps Me at arms length. Sure, he sings about Me from time to time, but it’s mostly in code or so vague he thinks I’m not noticing. But I notice. One thing I love about him is that he is willing to search for the truth and admit that he doesn’t have the answers yet. It’s just sad when he circles around Me for so long but never quite gets Me and how My life 2,000 years ago could so radically change his life today.

Below is a link to an interview with Michael Stipe, where to My surprise, he actually talks a little about Christianity and the Christians from his life.

Click here and read if that sort of thing interests you.

Last post for a while, as I am off to Waveland, Missisissippi to help put some roofs back on top of houses. Service projects are My SxSW. Love you all very much. You can keep talking to Me, just not via My blog for a bit. I might even try talking back to you, again just not via My blog for a bit.

South Park And Me

Hey folks, Jesus Christ here. Believe it or not, I'm waist deep in planning a Katrina Relief Service Project for next week, so posts will probably be slim to none for a while. That's right, Jesus goes on service project trips. They won't know it's Me though. They will think I'm just some guy helping out.

Regarding South Park, I mostly hate it. Sure, there's social commentary in it so that somewhow must make it relevant, but for every one smart comment on contemeporary society, there's three kids learning that the word "Bitch" is comedy gold. Sometimes the show is funny, but mostly I don't laugh too much at it. And for the record, I would be able to kill Santa Claus in a fight INSTANTLY, no contest. I would step into the ring and simply make his heart explode, done.

That being said, here's an interesting episode of South Park! The below "You Tube" link is to the episode intitled "Trapped In The Closet" which is the episode currently causing all the commotion regarding Chef leaving and Tom Cruise somehow getting Comedy Central to stop airing this episode. You won't find this on cable anytime soon, but God bless the internet! The reason that some people are up in arms about this episode is due to how it goes after Scientology pretty hard. Now, as you could probably guess, I, Jesus Christ, Son of God, Son of Man, Lover of manna, is not a fan of Scientology. Sure, its got its moments, but that's the problem with most religions that leave My story out of it, they mostly all have a lot of "good points" to them, but those "good points" aren't what My dad is looking for. Anyway, this episode is harsh, but a lot of what is said about the history and what is behind the Scientology faith is actually true... thus the South Park social commentary that can sometimes shine through the show. If you got an extra 22 minutes to kill, this is an interesting episode that you are not likely to see anywhere but on the web for a while. Enjoy?

Friday, March 17, 2006

Possible Death Wish VI Plot

Courage. One thing I LOVE in you guys is when I see you living courageously. Being friends with Me is a wild adventure, and if you don’t feel that, then you’re probably not really trying to be My friend. My true friends down there live it up. Being My friend is not easy because I really love it when you take risks to be My friend. Taking risks is not too common for a lot of you guys, and I think this is one of the main reasons why a lot of you don’t want to be My friend. Then you blame other stuff so it doesn’t sound like a lack of courage, which really makes Me sad. It’s cool though, I’m pretty used to you guys making Me sad, and I love you anyway.

That being said, sometimes it takes courage to stand up for something you love. For some of you, that is sharing with others that you and I are friends. For others, it takes courage to share with others some of the rock and roll bands you secretly are in love with. I recently got a comment post after an album review on this blog from a friend that said as follows:

Dear Jesus: Could you also review Greenday? I think they have immensely let us punk rockers down. Please school them in loyalty to punk and not selling out to corporate music machines. Thank you.

There are many problems on Earth because of that wretched fruit Eve ate, and “cool kid” hatred for Green Day is one of them. I know a lot of Jr. High kids. The majority HATE Green Day. HATE! They will post this on their My Space. And here’s what’s so rough about that… Green Day is an amazing band. Their last album was unbelievably good. It was smart, catchy, had pop hooks galore, loud, creative, and surprisingly… courageous. I mean, they actually had not one but two songs on that album clocking in at over 9 minutes… what were GOOD! As far as catchy punky teenybop pop rock, they sell millions because they are the best.

Now that might be where most freak out. “Since when was Green Day a ‘catchy punky teenybop pop rock’ band?!!!” Always. Since CD 1 all the way to now. From their little “1,039/Smoothed Out Slappy Hour”, through “Dookie”, to “American Idiot”, Green Day has always been a safe poppy punk band for kiddies. A PG-13 and mallified version of the Ramones, easy to sell to the masses of little mall kids too cool for boy bands but not cool enough for Sonic Youth. Green Day has owned this market, and they are the best at it.

Regarding their selling out… they never sold out because they never were holding back anything not for sale. These guys stayed true to who they were from day one until now. They were always for sale, and this isn’t a bad thing. Teenyboppers literally over 10 years ago were yelling “sell outs!” when “Dookie” was released, and they will be yelling it whenever their next album comes out, too. We only care when a band sells out if it’s a band we want to make fun of anyway. The Shins were in a McDonalds commercial and I don’t remember too many people trying to put them into sweaters with the scarlet letters “S” and “O” sewed to them. Didn’t The Ramones write songs for the “Pet Cemetary” soundtrack? They’ve had covers of them singing Louis Armstrong songs and the world seems to think that’s fine. Yet somehow they were able to sell more t-shirts than albums.

So the problem here is not “Green Day sucks". The problem is when music becomes fashion. When kids wear their bands on their sleeves in order to attach themselves to something they would like to be associated with. Sonic Youth concerts were filled with kids who wanted to able to say they went to the Sonic Youth concert and bought the t-shirt… but still can’t sing along to any of the songs. Kids find security and connectivity by liking and disliking certain bands, regardless if they can sing any word of that band’s songs or not. Kids are quick to mock another kid for liking a band that is considered un-hip, which makes as much since as mocking a kid for liking a lunch meat that is considered un-hip. “Ha, ha! Jimmy likes honey baked ham!”

I made each of you with different tastes, different likes and dislikes, different passions for different forms of music. Quit trying to change your tastes that I gave you just so you fit a certain mold that you wish you were. You are not that way. I made you the way you are on purpose. You are unique. You are special. You are the only you I made. Don’t act like you are not who you are because somebody might make fun of how I made you. This is REALLY HARD to do. It is what I mean when I say it is hard to follow Me. It takes courage. Want to test how courageous you are? Admit to people that the last Green Day album was good. Tell three friends today that you thought that last Green Day album was pretty loud and fun.

I mostly don’t much enjoy music that is labeled official “Christian Rock”. I usually think a lot of Christian culture limps behind normal culture, poorly mimicking it while replacing anything questionable with My name or pictures of Me. “If you like this normal band, then how about this sugar-free version of the band that isn’t quite as good?!” That being said, I did make some of you able to not only enjoy this type of music, but LOVE this type of music. It’s definitely not for everybody, but it definitely is for some. If you think it’s hard to name drop Green Day as a band you enjoy, try name dropping DC Talk with a straight face. Well, that’s what one of My favorite bloggers did this week, over at Music For Kids Can’t Read Good. You wanna see courage, check this post out. You are a brave soul, Taylor. People can learn by your courage.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

If You Could Erase This Album From Existence, Would You Do It?

Jesus Christ Reviews the new Flaming Lips album, At War With The Mystics!
Overall Review – 2 Out Of 4 Gold Crowns

When it comes to hot debatable topics, people mostly tend to think I’m pretty black and white on most subjects. That’s mostly true, except when it comes to My beloved rock and roll music. My love for music has lots of shades of gray, especially if a band I love puts out a terrible album. The Flaming Lips has been burning pretty hot white for Me lately, especially with their last 2 albums. But that white just got some black thrown into the pot, because “At War With The Mystics” is easily one of My big let downs of this year so far… this and the whole vice president shooting that guy in the face… and “Crash” winning best picture… and the ongoing plague of poverty that seemingly get ignored by the rest of the world… and again, this cruddy Flaming Lips album. First of all, it sounds great. Really. It sounds like they have spent months recording this, and the audio production is amazing. The problem is the songs are all kinda lame, with the album starting to rise out of the sludge toward the end. Here’s the Jesus Christ track by track break down.

01. Yeah Yeah Yeah Song – If you asked Weird Al to write an original song that parodied the sound of the Flaming Lips, but then told Weird Al to write lyrics that were sucky, this song is not quite as good as the one Weird Al would write. When the Flaming Lips are silly/cheesey, most of the time it can work for them… most of the time. Sometimes they can be humorous with tongue planted firmly in cheek, “Yoshimi” for example. That song has “hi-ya” karate soundeffects, and it works great. Cool, fun, weird, and cheesy. That’s also what you usually get at their shows. An odd mix of cool fun cheese.

However, this song does not quite pull this off. It’s cheesey in the “little bit imbarassing” way, and unfortunately, it doesn’t get too much better. And the lyrics, oh, those lyrics! Why does this whole album sound like the lyrics were taken from a 7th grad goth girl’s secret journal? Believe Me, I read a lot of 7th grade goth girl’s journals, and they have tons of “poetry” that read just like these “lyrics”.

02. Free Radicals - You should have seen that something bad was on your way when the Flaming Lips record a cover of “Bohemian Rhapsody”… and it’s boring. Again, this song sounds great, but those lyrics! “You think you’re radical, but you’re not so radical, in fact, you’re fanatical.” Wayne, if this is a political thing, please don’t write any more political things. If this is not a political thing, please stop writing whatever this is.

03. The Sound Of Failure/It’s Dark… Is It Always This Dark? – The first half of this is a mellower song than the first two, thank Me, but it’s a little boring. Still, it’s one of My favorite tracks on the album, but still not mix tape worthy... mostly because it tags on a weird wannabe song on the end, which probably could have been something interesting, but kinda just feels like an interesting looking wart on a face that kinda adds to the face so you shouldn’t burn it off… but probably should.

04. My Cosmic Autumn Rebellion – I really like this song. Pretty little lullaby with birds chirping in the background that grows louder as it progresses. This one is really cool and reminds Me of something off of “The Soft Bulletin”.

05. Vein Of Stars – This kinda sounds like the last track, but stir in some boring.

06. The Wizard Turns On – Slightly fun instrumental that reminds Me of a “Yoshimi” left over.

07. It Overtakes Me/The Stars Are So Big, I Am So Small… Do I Stand A Chance? – The second half of this song is unfortunately attached again to the first half, which is too bad because everyone is going to miss a fun musical interlude at the end of this track because everyone will be so quickly hitting the “next track” button.

08. Mr. Ambulance Driver – A B-Side, now with annoying ambulance sounds! Thanks guys! Now everyone listening to this song while driving will think they have to pull over until they remember that it’s that same annoying Flaming Lips song that made them think they had to pull over last time they heard it… and it’s boring.

09. Haven’t Got A Clue – The “2006 Coolest Song With The Dumbest Lyrics Award” has got to go to this song. This song would RULE if it was in a random foreign language the majority of the world didn’t understand. Mostly a great song though, and this is one of the few mix-worthy tracks on the album… although the 7th grade goth girl journal entry makes another appearance with “Every time you state your case the more I want to punch your face”.

10. The W.A.N.D. – Coolest song on the album. This is great stuff. Here, everything the Lips do well line up to make a great track. This sounds great loud.

11. Pompeii Am Gotterdammerung – Another great song. This one is the most psychedelic of the album, and when they want to pull this sound off well, they really can pull it off well. Loud and trippy, this shows off their song writing creativity and their skills in the studio.

12. Goin’ On – Kinda cute, kinda boring. I think this last song really sums up the whole album and is a great way to end this “war”, not with a bang, but a whisper… and a whimper.

To summarize, this album is okay, but can be pretty insanely embarrassing at parts. The last two Flaming Lips kill this album, but it easily comes in third place for them… which isn’t saying too much. However, a somewhat lame Flaming Lips album is still better than a lot out there right now.

Like how I feel about all of you, I really love the Flaming Lips, but I'm not always impressed by their actions. However, I have faith that they can find their way again onto the right path... which reminds Me, how's your path search going? You heading down the road that leads to a Soft Bulletin or are you straying toward the Mystics? Look for Me, I'm leaving you hints!

Monday, March 13, 2006

The Name Is Christ, Jesus Christ

There have recently been many prayers heading My way regarding something that seems very important to many of you. I have been hesitant to answer many of you, hoping you would not need My help with this. But the prayers keep coming My way, so I have decided to use My faithful blog to answer the devoted that keep looking for more answers to that thing called “life”. Did that sentence kinda sound like a Prince quote to you, dearly Beloved? Anyway, let’s get to the meat, shall we?

Many of you have been asking, “So, Jesus, will this Daniel Craig make a good ‘James Bond’? I’m nervous.” Have no fear, My kiddies, Mr. Craig should do just fine.

As many of you know, the new actor hired to play James Bond has stirred up quite an uproar. He’s too ugly. He’s not famous enough. He’s done nothing great. He’s short. He’s in “Tomb Raider”. A lot of you people are pretty peeved. Some have even started a website against it. has made worldwide news as it rages against the machine. Which makes Me just have to ask… where were they for the last 6 disasters that were called James Bond movies? I mean, come on! These movies have been awful! I’m a God of love and it is hard for Me to get over My righteous anger I have for how terrible this franchise has become. ANGER!

First of all, Daniel Craig is the man. I mean for crying out loud, I made him look like Steve McQueen! That not cool enough for you people? Please. Pierce Bronsnan, back in his Bond days, looked like a perfect male model. What kind of guy wants to watch that?

Matt Damon’s “Bourne Identity” movies looked like Shakespeare compared to the trash that Bronsnan was doing in those Bond movies. Who wants a prettyboy action hero? Connery and Moore were kinda okay looking studs, that totally become supercool because of how well they played Bond. Connery’s older than dirt and he still gets more tail than most of you. And these guys were cool, not pretty like Bronsnan. That’s why so many people liked watching Jared Leto getting his face bashed in during “Fight Club”. Pretty boy takes a pummeling. That’s why men like Brad Pitt now, because the pretty boy from “Legends Of The Fall” took a pummeling in films like the aforementioned and in “Snatch”. You like your action heroes a little beat up and a little rough. Bronsnan would parachute into a convertible and his hair would still be perfect. Wouldn’t you love to see Pitt beating the blood out of Bronsnan’s face in a ring? Yeah you would! That’s sin in the world, baby!

Which brings Me to Daniel Craig. If you are complaining about his hiring and you have yet to see “Layer Cake”, shut the H up. Rent that movie and if you still got complaints about Craig as Bond, then You got something wrong in your head because I made all men the ability to see how insanely cool this actor is, and “Layer Cake” is hands down cooler than any Bond movie since Walken was a Bond villain.

All that being said, I’d still think it would be safe for you guys to fully prepare for this new Bond movie totally sucking. The problem is that action films have evolved from the Bond of old and what used to be considered great action cinema has now slid down into the camp B movie action comedy. I mean, could you imagine pulling off and getting away with tuning Bond Asian by tossing on some dark make-up and then watching him successfully infiltrate an Asian crime underworld. That actually happens in the Bond flick “You Only Live Twice”… and at the time, pulled it off as normal and cool. And no matter how cheesey those “Matrix” sequels were, at least there wasn’t any wannabe cool one liners or sex puns. I mean, sex puns! How can sex puns still be cool in an action film? I’m sorry, but Jesus Christ, Son of God can only stomach the action hero saying puns if it is supposed to be tongue in cheek. That being said, why are there so many Bond movies and only 3 Evil Dead flicks? Give Bruce Campbell the sex puns and the cheesey one liners and I’m eating it up! Give them to Bond, and don’t expect Me to think it is an A-Game Hollywood action flick.

Glad I got that off My chest. Before I wrote this, I read the latest Rolling Stone Magazine with an article by Rob Shefield trying to tell Me that nobody wants a gritty Bond, and, well, it pushed Me a little over the edge. I say ITS ABOUT TIME you guys threw some grit into that character, and Daniel Craig is one of the few actors I feel could pull it off. Wreched Rolling Stone Magazine! That magazine is like a white washed tomb, I tell you. Why do you people still put up with how terrible that magazine has become. But that is another sermon for another time. I’m off to try to get two 6 year old twin brothers in Switzerland to quit fighting in their room. Love you guys. Peace out.

"Be Good" - Alien

The Ran Dells - The Martian Hop.mp3
Is there life on other planets? I get asked this a lot. I’m not going to tell you, but I’ll give you some hints and let you decide. Tom Cruise thinks so, what does that tell you? I looooved the movie “Signs”, what does that tell you? To help make up your mind, here’s some of my My favorite “possible UFO” clips from You Tube!
For more alien info, here’s some fun links to waist some of your day:

Find Alien Sigtings In Your Area

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Black And White Mix Tape

My skin color... not too important. What I said... pretty important. Here is a mix I made for you, with songs where the color of skin gets a little mixed. Most of these are simple covers, but rearranged in a way that help the lyrics shine through in a whole new light. Sometimes you need to do that with Me. Take My stories about Me you have heard over and over, and look at them from a new angle. Thanks to all who helped with ideas.

(Probably not safe for Conservative Churches. I, Jesus Christ, do not much enjoy cussing, but I used to be good friends with a lot of rough guys, and believe Me, I have heard worse. Sitting around that fire at night, those fishermen were RACEY! They started cutting it out once they got a little more into the fact that I was seriously actually God sitting right there next to them, but even then, they had trouble holding it back from time to time. Ok, I'm dragging this out a little too long, so onto the mix. Enjoy.)


01. Nina Gordon - Straight Outta Compton.mp3
Veruca Salt girl singing softly about being from Compton.

02. Unholy Trinity - Bring The Noise.mp3

Countryfied Public Enemy.

03. Ben Folds - Female Dogs Aint BM.mp3
Oh, that Ben sure can cuss humorously.

04. Dear Nora Casio For The Painfully Alone - Hotboyz.mp3
Missy E turned all indipop.

05. Jonathan Coulton - Baby Got Back.mp3
Oh, the awkwardness of it all.

06. KT Tunstall - Get Your Freak On.mp3
More Missy from a whitey.

07. The Gourds - Gin And Juice.mp3
Internet classic that should be on all mixes.

08. Richard Cheese - Insane in the Brain.mp3
This one hurts.

09. R.E.M. - I Will Survive.mp3
Putting this on was pushing it, but worth it.

10. Belaire - Through The Wire.mp3
Kanye indiefied.

11. Dynamite Hack - Boyz N The Hood.mp3
Hack's claim to fame... and they opened for Weezer.

12. Sinead O'Connor - Vampire.mp3
Sinead loves Me and I love her.

13. My Morning Jacket - Tyrone.mp3
Badu by way of Kentucky.

14. Evan Dando - How Will I Know.mp3
This is pushing it, too, but a fun cover none the less.

15. Boys Suck - The Chicken Cow.mp3
Wesley Willis cover that will keep you up at night.

16. Eef Barzelay - Ballad Of Bitter Honey.mp3
I love Clem. This is the song that started the idea for this mix.

17. Beck - Debra.mp3
Not a Prince cover, but should be.

18. Lyle Lovett - Church.mp3
Respect your roots, indiekiddies. Lyle paved the way for the Unicorns.

19. Spiritualized - Lord Can You Hear Me.mp3
Yet another track that doesn't completely work, but you get it because I LOVE it!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

I Can See Clearly Now

No, I'm not staring at your chest, I'm just trying to figure out what your shirt has on it. Threadless T-Shirts often have Me on their clothes, but it's always kinda hard to see the image from way up here. Well, not any more! Now, with the pixilated Me image T-shirt, I can see you sporting Me from really far away. Way to go Threadless! Following you born again hipsters has never been easier for Me. Buy their stuff.


So, I hope you guys know that Superman is totally based on Me right? In fact, the origin of Superheroes in general are pretty much lifted from My biography. Because of this, I am a HUGE comic geek. That's right... Jesus Christ, comic geek. Anyway, thanks to LargeHeartedBoy, I found a website ran by a guy who apparently has more time on his hands than ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD, because he has hunted down and properly labeled the religious beliefs of practically every Super Hero known to mankind. Fascinating.

Comic Book Religion

In related news, buy the movie
Godspell and watch it over and over and over. It can be argued that this is one of those "so bad, it's good" movies or "so bad, it's unwatchable" movies. I tend to put it in the first category. Not only does is star Alias's dad as Me, but it ends with a song and dance on top of the World Trade Center. Freaky. Plus the Me character wears a Superman shirt for half the film. Classic cinema! It's kinda like The Passion Of The Christ, but instead of Jews they have hippies. Mark My words, I'm only going to say this once... Jesus Christ Super Star is for losers.

Godspell Finale on top of the World Trade

5 Second "You Can't Do That On Television" clip, which appeared when I searched for "Godspell" video clips in Yahoo!

Godspell Movie Trailer, for those interested.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Mocking Music Mocks Me With Love

I love the Mocking Music blog and they mostly love Me. Because they are cooler than dirt, they have made Me a “Jesus Mix”, complete with just about every cool Jesus song ever written that’s not on a WOW compilation… yet. If you think Jesus Christ and Jeff Tweedy are neat, then check out their cool Jesus Christ Mix Tape over on their blog. Although the average cool kid rock band most likely has a song with My name in it, most don't really like Me that much. But a lot of these songs Mocking Music picked out come pretty darn close. This mix is just about perfect. However, if it were to be indeed truely perfect, it would need just one more song, which I have put here for you to download and add to their mix. Please put this track between Johnny Cash and Tenacious D.

Tammy Faye Bakker - Jesus Keeps Takin' Me Higher And Higher.mp3

Because of My love for Mocking Music, I would like to see them updating their site more often than they do. How can the Son of God make this happen? By giving them signs, of course! By giving them little Heavenly signals that remind them that, hey, God loves them and they should probably be updating their blog. But this is where I would like your help. The sign I think would be most fitting would be if, every time their cell phones rang, it reminded them to update their blog. So, I have decided that it would be in their best interest to change their ringtones to that of Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels singing the song “Mocking Bird” from the film “Dumb and Dumber”. If you agree that this would be a good idea, please sign My online petition to get the writers of the Mocking Music blog to change their cell phone ring tones to the aforementioned song. Thanks for the music, Mocking Music. I love you all very much. And again, if you are a lover of the Mocking Music Blog, please sign this petition.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Sitting By Me?

The disciples used to always argue about who gets to sit at My right side in Heaven, as if I had a special table that showed off My best friend or something. If you have to know, it's more of a knights of the round table set up, and we are sort of on a rotation. The whole set up is kinda confusing but will make sense once you get up here. Anyway, I often like to check out who is sitting on the right side of My little web blog here, but going up to the top right corner of my blog and clicking that "next blog" button that links to another random blogger site. These are not My favorite blogs, which you can find in My 12 disciples links on the right of this page, but they are definitely blogs I found fascinating and you should give them a look if you have the time.

Interesting blogs that have, at one time or another, sat on the right side of Christ's blog:

Some Guy
My Photos
Street Fighter Guide
Pop en l'air
Reliable Jerry Springer
Armed and Gregarious
No Holds Barred

The above painting is by Brandon Bird. I love it. James Woods is a wonderful actor and I have little doubt he would be able to play not only Me but all My disciples as well in a super weird movie. And I LOVE that Robocop/Paul Weller reference.

Other possible links of interest:

They Promised Us Jetpacks has a fun shout out to American Christians who don't riot when there is a comic putting them down.

Morel Orel is an Adult Swim toon that might make Christians want to riot, but instead might just write a letter. It's kinda like South Park, but not as funny or creative, but really goes after contemporary American Christianity with some entertaining bite.

Want to prove to your friends that I exist? Trick them with this handy Burnt Jesus Image Toaster!

And finally, via Data What, a news blooper that had Me laughing so hard, some folks in South Dakota thought a tornado was coming through. Why are news bloopers always funny? Perhaps because I made them that way... but probably not.

I love you all. Thanks for visiting the personal blog of your personal savior, Jesus Christ. This has been a lot more fun for Me to communicate to you through instead of through awkward Carrie Underwood songs.