Going Down?

In a recent post, I discussed with you guys the possibility of making a mix of songs for Satan that hark back to the days after the Crash of Nevermind. Songs that attacked to radio waves under the lable of Alternative Rock. Songs that hurt you. Songs like "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong". Thanks to everyone who posted song ideas for My mix to play through the speakers on the elevator that goes down to Hell. I decided to make it downloadable for all you humans to listen to, just so you can be reminded of how much worse your life could be. Cheer up, down there. Be careful with this mix though, it is more fun to have than to actually listen to. I did make some of you fans of a few of these songs (My little inside joke), so please do not be offended if a song you like made it onto this mix. I happen to love quite a few of these bands. Unfortunately, even bands blessed by God can make mistakes with "Monster"ous consequences. Anyway, here's My Mix of Elevator to Hell Music. Enjoy? Here's just a little flavor of what glory is in this zip file for you... almost 70 minutes of pleasure and pain with not 1 but 2 presidents of the united states songs, a little live for you, some little miss can't be wrong, and even that one song where i think the chorus is as follows, "merry moo, shes a vegitarian."

NO LONGER ONLINE

Tomorrow, Camper Van Beethoven Blasting Through Heavens Streets

David Lowery will never feel successful. He has been, so he should feel better about his life, but he will always compare his success to the Pixies or R.E.M. and feel that he was somehow left behind. Sure, he might be doing better than Paul Westerberg now, but who isn't? Bob Mould, if he was only guest DJ'ing at a guy disco, could get more people to a show than Paul Westerberg. However, David still feels discouraged. He won't tell you this. He will tell you he's content. But David is a little sad, and deep down, he always will be. Be nice to David if you see him. His music is better than most his Contemporaries, and it would be nice of you to tell him that. We in Heaven have an annual Lowery Day up here, and it is tomorrow, January 31. Celebrate with us by blaring some Camper Van loudly... or perhaps some "Teen Angst (What The World Needs Now)" by Cracker. Here's some live stuff that makes us excited for tomorrow. I love David Lowery, and I hope you do, too.

Camper Van Beethoven - Pictures of Matchstick Men(live).mp3

Camper Van Beethoven - Take The Skinheads Bowling(live).mp3

Camper Van Beethoven - All Her Favorite Fruit(live).mp3

Funny Hell Elevator Joke

A few days ago, I sent a few of my angels to dress up like demons and check out what has been going down in Hell. So they are taking this elevator down and it is taking forever, and they get this crazy idea, which I think is classic. Here’s the plan. Since I’m God, right, I can do anything. So My angels asked Me if I’d program the Hell elevator to play terrible alternative rock from the post-Nirvana crash of the late 90’s. For example, Better Than Ezra’s song “Good”. Or “Lump” by the Presidents of the I don’t even want to finish typing their band name. “New Age Girl” by Deadeye Dick. “Zombie” by the Cranberries. Etc. Please help Me make a mix of the most painful mid to late 90’s alternative rock. What else would physically hurt you to have to listen to? Two band members of the “Lump” band are going to Hell for that one song alone. Just kidding. They also are going to Hell because they never accepted Me as their Lord and Savior, but one could argue I never let them accept me, but that’s not the point. The point is, please post here other painful songs. Who knows, maybe this could start a new fashionable trend. Maybe Adam Sandler will make a movie about this era and put all these songs on a soundtrack that would make grown men cry and babies bleed from their ears. Please, stay away from Counting Crows or Weezer. They are great and I don’t care about how you feel about them. I’m perfect, you sin. Back off Counting Crows and Weezer. The Gin Blossoms are open game.

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Jesus Answers, Part 2

Kunt Puppet asked, “Why doesn’t anyone visit my shitty blog?”

First of all, way to pick one of the hardest worlds for mankind to say as your Blogger name! So my peeps don’t freak out, I’m going to have to call you K-Pupp, which you must admit is kinda cute. Anyway, K-Pupp here wants to know why nobody visits his blog, entitled 1-800-SASSBUCKET.COM. That’s an easy one, K-Pupp, your blog is pretty boring. No offence, but blogs are a dime a dozen. I’m Jesus Christ and I get probably 1/1000 of the numbers of daily visitors Stereogum gets (not counting prayers, take that Stereogum!), and that’s because that guy constantly updates his site with fun and interesting stuff which the masses enjoy reading. Your blog just doesn’t offer too much of anything that other blogs don’t. I mean, come on, you didn’t even have a Cat Power entry! And you call yourself a blogger. Just kidding there K-Pupp. The fact that you don’t have Cat Power is a good thing, but if you want us to keep coming back, you will probably have to post some stuff readers would want to know. You are a funny guy, K-Pupp, maybe just talk about how your day is going? Your humor might bring the people back, but probably not your top 5 album list. Pray to Me about it and maybe I’ll help you out. I love you K-Pupp, remember that.


Beej asked, “Are you angry with those people at the Methodist church who didn't love those girls into a better place? Or is it more like sadness? Or maybe you are laughing at what they seem to be missing?”

I believe Beej here is referring to an earlier post of Mine entitled “Baltimore Hooker Incident" No, Beej, I’m not mad. It’s definitely more of a sadness than an anger thing. You gotta remember, Beej, I’m the guy who explained who I was time after time to my disciples for thee years and they still had trouble figuring out what they were supposed to do. Top two Commands, love Me and love others. Easy to type, just about impossible for you humans to do. Lots of you humans, as I like to put it, “just don’t get it,” and unfortunately that goes for My “self proclaimed followers” too. You’re doing alright though, Beej. Keep your head up. You did good today.


Coco asked, “So, me and my friends are having pizza at three in the morning, and the subject of whether God exists or not comes up, and it turns to the idea of morals. It's a very long, complicated argument, that I didn't follow completely because I wasn't entirely sober. Anyways, one of my friends, a devout Catholic, says that God MUST exist because most humans have a code of morals, regardless of their faith. Another, an agnostic, says that we developed a set of morals and values as a means of survival in order to facilitate group cooperation’s. My question is this: Why does eating pizza at three in the morning make me feel like taking 15 antacids when I wake up the next day?”

Dude, Coco, the problem wasn’t the pizza. Slow down on the booze. Sure, even I drank, but there weren’t too many options back then (although, when I drank out of tinted cups, I’d sometimes turn the lake water into Tab). However, if you are still going to think that drinking is where its at, at least drink some water too while your drinking alcohol. That will help the acid feeling. Loved your question, by the way. I remember that conversation very well. The Catholic was right but I make it seem like the agnostic is right. I like to do that kind of stuff. Keeps you guessing. Keeps your on your toes.


Anonymous asked, “Why is my girlfriend convinced that she shouldn't let me hit it or she'll go to hell? If she's a true believer shouldn't she realize that you'll forgive her? Also, could you please explain to her that oral sex doesn't count!”

Oh Anonymous, Anonymous. Do you really think if you put your real first name your mom is going to figure out that this was you? Trust me, she aint reading this blog. And you aren’t at all Anonymous to me, you frightened child. Anyway, Anonymous, your girlfriend doesn’t really think if you hit it then she’ll go to Hell, however she does think that sex is special and holy and just doing it one night because your horny isn’t quite what I had in mind when I created you. If you want it that bad, dump her. I’ll find you a girl less pure that you can mess your life up with. Few girls are left down there who are still want to be at least a little bit innocent, leave her alone. And just for the record, and you are not going to like this, in My book, oral sex totally counts. Sorry Anonymous, I know I made you with those urges, and it’s a tough environment for you to live in with so many thinking that casual sex isn’t that bad. It’s hard down there on your own. Good luck.


Cassandra said, “Jesus, what comes first...faith or regeneration?”

Wow, is that a religious play on the Chicken or the Egg classic? You’re funny, Cassandra. To answer your question, the first step to regeneration (in this case I’m defining that as a spiritual rebirth) is believing that regeneration is possible and then acting upon that belief. Belief in action is faith. But don’t worry about this Cassandra, I love you and that’s all you need worry about. Just spend time with Me and everything will work out.


Lizz asks, “Jesus, it you could hook up with a chick, in a completely holy way, who would it be and why? And why did the xrays Jack was looking at in the doctor's office date Nov. 6, 2005, is the survivors have been on the island since sept 2004?”

Lizz, I love the 2 z’s. Holy hook ups, I like it. Seriously, and I know this is going to sound cheesy, but seriously it’s what’s inside that counts. But I know what answer you’re looking for and I think that one actress who played my mom in the Mel Gibson movie is just about all pretty as I make those Hollywood babes. But know this Lizz, you’re a looker, too… but I don’t want to creep you out. Bear with me a minute though, I think you are not only beautiful but perfect. I remember sewing you together in your mothers womb, and you are a masterpiece. It took six days to make this world, but nine months to make you. You are art. If you think I’m lying, remember who you’re talking to. Satan is alive and well, Lizz. He wants you to think that you are average looking at best… but he lies. He’s tricky. Download “Mirror” by Clem Snide. That’s Me talking to you. As for that “Lost” X-ray, oops. Humans make mistakes, back off. You “Lost” fans have too much time on your hands. Sure, the x-rays were a flub, but they don’t even lose weight for crying out loud! The fat guy looks fatter now then last season. Where’s Kate getting all those different shirts? Where’s the beards? What’s my point? Don’t sweat the small stuff, look past the glitches, and enjoy it (or maybe I’m just covering up the fact that you almost have cracked the mystery and I’m trying to throw you off the case).

I'm Gonna Be Here

Tom Waits and I are tight. You might think that when he sings songs about me, he’s being ironic or keeping his tongue firmly in cheek, and that is actually mostly true… but he still talks to Me a lot more than you would expect, which makes Me happy because he should acknowledge how blessed he is because of My love for him. Tom Waits should have died three separate times, but I sent angels to cover his hide. Tom Waits should have destroyed his vocal cords completely by now, but I keep them up to par. Tom Waits should have lost his arm in that alligator incident, but I slowed down the snap. Tom Waits should have been shanked in the ribs by that carnie, but I made the ferris wheel break down. I look after Tom, because Chocolate Me and Tom are tight. Buy “Down By Law” from Amazon, its worth the $40 just to see Tom Waits handcuffed to Roberto Benigni.

Tom Waits - Jesus Gonna Be Here (live).mp3

Tom Waits – Hold On (live).mp3

Jesus Answers, Part 1

Eric asked, “Jesus, why did you and the Father create fire ants? Regular old black ants are fine, they do the same stuff, but they do not bite! Why the biting Jesus?”

Great question, Eric! Your picture makes you look like the dad on Veronica Mars. Now, regarding your question… as you well know, if you fall down stairs, it’s sad. If your friend falls down stairs, it’s hilarious! Now, I originally did not make biting red ants with the intention that they would kill, but we definitely have people up here who, when asked how they got up here, awkwardly have to bring up biting red fire ants. But, I originally made this world to not have sin in it and then you humans wouldn’t have to die, so biting red ants were solely for comedy purposes. Sure, those bites sting, but you’ll get over it, and we really get a kick out of watching you jump all over the place. So, the short answer, I thought they’d be funny, sorry they can kill, blame Eve.


ismateo asked, “Jesus, why does MTV suck so bad?”

Wow, ismateo, you’re going for the jugular with this one! The short answer, $. The long answer, not everyone likes music as much as you. The average human just really doesn’t care that much about if the music the masses listen to is good or not. What sells works for the average person. Humans have settled. However, the short answer is the correct one, money buys your video air time. If you don’t have the money, they aren’t going to bother with you. Granted, the “video air time” I’m talking about is between 4 am and 8am. You would think that if a channel dedicated to golf could work, so would a channel dedicated to smart videos made my smart musicians for fans of smart music, but until then, you are stuck using the web as your own music television. God Bless “Good Weather For Air Strikes.”


Taylor asked, “Jesus, why does everything taste like chicken? were you tired of making up new tastes and just stuck with chicken for a while... Also, why my girlfriend wants to know what the deal with platypuses is. Everyone says they're "God's Joke", so is that true or do you have a more divine purpose for them?

Taylor, you need to back off with that chicken comment. Sure, chicken is the vanilla of meat flavors, but that’s what I made spices for. As for everything else tasting like chicken, you obviously have never tried a White Castle burger… or poop. Then again, maybe you have tried poop. Remember that, Taylor, when you were so upset because your pacifier fell out of your mouth and you couldn’t find it and you were screaming and crying but you weren’t able to wake anybody up and you were so upset and your hand slid down your diaper? Bet that didn’t taste like chicken, Taylor. Of course, you don’t remember that. You think I’m just being silly. Go ahead, think that. But, you’re welcome.

As for your platypuses question (way to spell that, by the way. I made only 30% of mankind able to spell that word), I honestly think they’re cool. I could argue that I was being creative, but really I didn’t put too much thought into it. I’m surprised by how much press they get. As for “a divine purpose” for them… nope. When the world ends, they burn. I guess it could be cool if they are some sort of key that bridges the gap between Heaven and Earth, but I already sorta did that (figure out the puzzle and you win!). I love you Taylor, don’t fool around too much with that lady friend.

Was Lost, But Now I See

There’s a show on NBC called “Lost”. Heard of it? The angels and Me watch every Wednesday. Being God, I know where they are going with this. I know everything. I know how Season 2 ends. I know how Season 3 ends. You ever watch for a repeated time “The Usual Suspects” with a friend who has yet to see it? That’s the feeling I get when I watch this show with the angels. They have no clue where this is going and they beg me every week to give them a hint. I know your thoughts, and I know lots of you humans are wondering what is up with this show, too. So, for your enjoyment, I have decided to give you some of My thoughts on the show and some spoilers as to what’s to come.

Spoiler Warning!
You ain’t gonna like how this show ends… unless you like how the X-Files ended. Or unless you like how Alias is wrapping up. Or unless you liked that Happy Days episode with the Fonz, the motorcycle, and the fish. Very similar, people! It looks good now. It looks like they know where they’re going, and they do… kinda, but it’s not going to be pretty. My advise, jump ship before it’s too late, or you are going to feel cheated when Dogget shows up looking for alien bees.
End of Spoilers.

…and that’s why Jack kills Locke. Just kidding. Anyway, I had a point. If you don’t mind the mystery being more exciting than the big reveal, by all means, hold on tight. The show ends with a whisper, but the bang is in the confusion. This is what they got right. It’s fun not knowing. Why do you think I don’t show up in your bedroom while you’re talking to Me? If you know I was real and videotaping your every move, you’d probably be acting a little different. But you just think that “hopefully” I’m real, and I absolutely love that. Keep hoping. Keep wondering. And once you start putting what you think might be real into action, that’s when life gets crazy (you’ll notice that’s also when the show gets crazy).

So, my thoughts on the show. I give props to any prime time show that is able to quote My Scripture so comfortably. With the exception of Flanders, there ain’t too many characters that are friends of Mine on the big stations. Granted, the story you’ve seen thus far seems to hint that the island is a place where all religions are thrown together in order to produce the one “true” set of beliefs… and apparently My book I wrote on this subject doesn’t alone cut it. However, it’s really fun, and they get a lot of stuff right. Plus, I love any sort of pop culture that leads to pop psychology that struggles with “Faith vs. Science”, “Am I good? vs. Am I bad?”, “Who was I? vs. Who am I?, or “God vs. No God”. Enjoy the mystery, you’re only lost once.

Ask Jesus!

Got a stumper for Jesus? Ask your question that’s been bothering you lately in the “comments.” Come on, what's been on your mind? I know everything*. Ask Me. I'll answer some of them in the next few days.

*Although Jesus Christ does indeed know everything, some questions He may not directly answer due to “wanting humans to have faith” issues, although this does not mean He doesn’t know the answer. Jesus Christ does realize this may be an annoying loophole, but faith shows risk and He finds risks to be exciting. Again, this does not mean He does not know the answers to any question, for He knows the answers to all questions.

Baltimore Hooker Incident

So every now and then, I do this thing, right, where I get into human form and mess with you guys a little bit. Nobody knows it’s Me, and I pretty much blend in. So I was doing this the past few days down in Baltimore, Maryland, just because that seemed kinda random and I like Baltimore. Anyway, I meet up with these hookers who will remain nameless, but hookers none the less… and these two girls have had a rough life. No fooling around, these girls have been through some wild stuff. So, I’m trying to care for them with out them thinking I'm just interested in that one thing, you know, and I’m able to talk them into taking a cab with me to a cool Methodist Church in the ‘burbs which will also remain nameless. So this Church has a Monday night “contemporary” service, and I know what the Sermon is going to be and I think its information that will really be nice for them to hear. Very lovely-dovey stuff. Anyway, we walk in and people would just not stop staring… and these girls were pretty nervous already as it is, but this totally backfired. Nobody said anything cruel to us, but it was totally noticeable that we didn’t fit in. We stayed for the whole time but the girls totally weren’t paying attention, and once it was over they immediately were out the door. I ran after them but they apparently had made up their minds that I was not their friend anymore. Awkward. Anyway, my point is, if you happen to be in or around Baltimore and you see two totally attractive and clearly selling their bodies hookers, try to care for them. They’ve had it pretty rough and are going through a tough patch of life right now.

A Mighty Wind 2: Like a Hurricane

Most of you who know Me know what I think of Christopher Guest. The film maker is a genius. When I heard he was making a sequel to "A Mighty Wind", Me and my angels threw a party. That's a big deal up here. Moses ran around for months saying "wha' happened?!" Anyway, this preview for part 2 looks hilarious! Click here for comic gold!

The Parable of the Persistent Singer

So this guy, right, this guy posts comment that he has a band that he thinks Jesus Christ would like, and he asks if I would review his album. I think nothing of it because I'm more interested in him just thinking about Me versus him producing for me. Anyway, I bless his day and forget about it. Well, this same guy shoots me an email saying the same thing. “Hey, Jesus Christ, I like your taste in music. Will you review my stuff?” And I’m thinking, maybe this dude wants some publicity or something… which if that was the case is a little depressing because there’s other blogs out there that seem to be a littler heavier visited than Mine… so it gets Me thinking that maybe this is this guy just reaching out for Me or something, which I am all about. So I decide to check his stuff out. He wanted a home address so he could mail me an actual CD, but if he read my book he’d know my current address doesn’t accept fed ex. But his email had a link to his My Space and to a website, so I checked it out. Anyway, this dudes name is Ron Freeman. If he just wants the plug, then here it is. Ron Freeman. He’s got a My Space. But if it is a genuine review he’s after, I’ll give him that too. Sometimes when you pray for stuff, I don’t want to give it to you. I know you want it, but I also know what you’d be like if you got it. So sometimes when you pray for stuff, I make a judgment call and decide you ain’t getting it…. however, every now and then, one of you begs and pesters, begs and pesters, and even though I know for a fact it is going to mess you up, I love you too much to keep making you beg. Ron Freeman, quit begging, I love you, here’s your review.

Tell Me The Truth.mp3
Ron, I love you a lot. I don’t love this song a lot. It reminded me of something I’d tivo through on VH1’s The Alternative… kinda like Pet Shop Boys meets the Lightning Seeds by way of Echo and the Bunnymen, and then make it a B-Side. This would have made you HUGE for a few months in 1984 in London. Too bad the 24 Hour Party People grew up and work normal jobs at Wernham Hogg, because they would totally have danced to this.

Our Love.mp3
Now, Ron, what is this?! You just switched genres, man. This works for you. You look like a guy who sings this song. Simple, pretty, nice, I like this. Drop the background vocal, push your vocals out a little, and get Damien Jurado to sing it. Just kidding, Ron, this one is yours.

Where Are You Tonight.mp3
What’s up with this background vocal dude? You owe him a favor or something? Ron, thing song is alright. I’d ditch the choir and slow it down a little bit. This could be nice with you alone on piano.

Golden Skin.mp3
There’s the vocals! Keep them up front. 30 seconds in and I can already tell this one is my favorite of your free mp3’s. This sounds like you, Ron. I like it. This is the one that shows off that you might be able to write some lyrics, too. This track is the keeper.

Overall, Ron, I think you are a good kid, but if you want to do this for a living you got some work to do. I’m not trying to get all Old Testament on you, and I think you’ve got some better stuff yet to come (especially after that divorce I have planned for you… just kidding, Ron!), but I don’t think these are the songs that will get you noticed. However, I think those songs are in you somewhere, in fact, I think I remember throwing them into your mix when I thought you up. I love you, Ron. Keep working on this. Pray nightly, keep begging, and you never know what kind of blessing I might throw down your way.

Bonus Pictures:

At first, I got Ron Freeman confused with this guy.

Ron peeing on a barn.

Griffin House Inn My Heart

Griffin House hasn’t sold too many records. He’s good, and he will, but as of yet, this guy ain’t too rich. Rich in spirit, check. Rich in checkbook, no check. He’ll get there, but not yet. My point is, how could a singer/songwriter, with the total publicity he’s had amounting to a Paste Magazine blurb or two and a track on the Everwood Soundtrack, own so many fine Bed and Breakfasts? Apparently, this Griffin House fella loves to share awkwardly elaborate breakfasts with his traveling fans.

To download some good Griffin House songs, click on these beauties:

Griffin House - Tell Me a Lie.mp3

Griffin House - The Way I Was Made.mp3

Griffin House - The Guy Who Says Goodbye to You is Out of His Mind (live).mp3

Griffin House - Waterfall (live).mp3

For great Griffin House hospitality, stay at one or more of these fine Griffin House estates:

Griffin House Inn

Griffin House Bed and Breakfast

Griffin House Hotel

I Heart Clem Snide

I created in the heart of every human a special place where the music of Clem Snide will fit comfortably. If you don’t know Clem Snide, listen to these mp3’s and let the healing begin. Sometimes I think Clem hates Me, Sometimes I think Clem loves me. It can be hard to tell.

Jews For Jesus Blues (live).mp3 – This makes Me think maybe he Hates me, but maybe he is just being playful. Amazing song.

I’ll Be Your Mirror (live).mp3 – This songs lyrics reminds me of how low your self esteem is, and how I wish you saw Me when you looked deep into yourself. This song has been known to make people weep.

The Ballad of Bitter Honey.mp3 – New album track. Clem can cuss, yep, Clem can cuss. I am so excited for this new album!

Enrique Iglesias’ Mole (live).mp3 – Easily in my top 10 favorite songs about Enrique Iglesias’ Mole. It’s hard to beat that one by Radiohead, but this one is definitely up there (for those not in the know, check out the moles point of view with lyrics to “How to Disappear Completely”).

"Slinky, Slinky, O What a Wonderful Toy" - Pslam 17:5

You know how I made everybody a little bit different? Here's what happens when I add just a drop of Silly Putty. How cool of a party trick would this be?! " Hey, Chuck, do that one thing where you do the worm, then a couple inside out summersaults, then the worm again!" I bet if you pushed her down some steps she would just Slinky down to the bottom and be fine.

Click here and be amazed at My Silly Slinky Putty creation!

PS. look closely at the left of the screen at the very end of the video and you will see one of my favorite all time evil enemies!

They like Me! They really like Me!

Ok. So, I’m the Son of God, right? You’d think I wouldn’t need human approval to get my spirits up… and you’d be right. I don’t need human approval at all. But, man, do I love it! So I sent the kindly folks at Relevant Magazine an earnest little email that may or may not have also been a shameless “hey, look at your old friend Jesus blogging now,” but I honestly love them and what they stand for… anyway, they gave Me a shout out on their podcast and I’ve been on cloud 9 all day… which is a big deal because I usually just hang out of cloud 11 (I save cloud 9 for special times. Where did you think that idiom came from?). Thank you my Relevant friends. When you take the time to talk to Me it shows that you want our relationship to grow. That’s the kind of person I like to bless. Below you can listen to the podcast segment where they name drop Me.

RELEVANT HEARTS JESUS - PODCAST EXCERPT.mp3

PS. Yeah, everybody thinks the “G” stands for “God”, but its actually for “Good”, which comes from that one thing that girl says about me from the Narnia book.

Everyone's Different

Read Psalm 139. You are all unique. You are all special. You are all not going to enjoy good music.

It was hard mixing you all up to be original. It’s not easy. Want proof? Most males in the USA got for Christmas last year one of eight different Old Navy sweater options. I enjoy originality and difference of each of you. All the insects took Me a day, but I spend 9 months on each of you. What does this mean? It means not every human is going to get Neutral Milk Hotel. Some humans are going to listen to Yankee Hotel Foxtrot and think they are listening to radio static (and they might actually be right for some of it). Don’t knock those kiddies who enjoy Rob Thomas, I made them that way. You got a problem with Jason Mraz, you got a problem with Me.

Everyone’s a critic, and everyone’s critiques are a little off. That’s how I made you. For example, people exist who love both Enya and Sleater-Kinney. People exist who like both Kenny Loggins and the Boredoms. Clearly, a person with both of these musical tastes is a little off “true and perfect good taste in music. In the end, Pitchfork is great… but when it comes to judging, there’s only one opinion you’re going to be interested in (read My book, trust Me). It’s ok to like the new Weezer album. It’s ok to still play American Idiot really loud in your car. It’s not your fault you don’t get The Fiery Furnaces, I made you that way.

Anyway, inspired by the “Lone Star Statements,” an article from The Morning News that collected Amazon.com reader reviews of famous books that they gave only one star, below are some quote from one star listener reviews from Amazon on some of the music the Son of God considers to be just about perfect. This list is also proof that I like to spice your world up. After all, how boring would the world be if everybody thought OK Computer was genius? Or what if I made you all equally love Bo Bice (who I think is trying to steal my look, by the way)? It took me a long time to make up all your differences, enjoy them.

Amazon Reader One Star Reviews
Taken From Albums Jesus Christ Considers Nearly Blameless

Sufjan Stevens – Illinois

“How am I supposed to critique a CD when I can't even pronounce the guy's name? THUMBS DOWN!”

“Stevens is a weak singer-songwriter who sounds here like a pastiche of James Taylor and Brian Wilson at their very worst. Lyrical conceits fall flat, and the overtones of born-again-ness are teeth-grating. The tunes are lackadaisical, half-composed at best. Nothing here has any energy, and I can't detect any real emotion or commitment here… There is absolutely nothing here. Buying this is like buying a blank CD.”

“…I realized that if I wanted to succeed in my own personal career, I must hire a junior high band, downgrade my studio, and write songs that make no sense and I will make it as a professional musician. And I will get raving reviews…. The guitars, pianos, banjos, woodwinds were often flat and very unrhythmic. The production was horrible. ...The lyrics that were hyped up as deep were shallow and seemingly unrehearsed and the so-called "historisity" are bizarre stories that have no application to the listeners. I found no profound lyrics… I apologize to the die hard fans. Not because I may have offended you, but you have been brainwashed into thinking this is good. I couldn't take 1 album. I wonder what I would do with 50 of them... I hear they make good rifle targets.”

Wilco – Yankee Hotel Foxtrot

“I like straight-on songs without meandering meaningless intros. YHF does not fulfill on this criterion.”

“Am i missing something here? All i'm hearing is a bunch of bland country pop songs with a peppering of ambient electronica over the top… I could just imagine how unbeleivably dull Wilco would be live.”

“I can not for the life of me figure out what attracts some people to this album. It is absolutely horrendous… I can't put into words my displeasure listening to this… Critics jumped on this with good reviews due to it's ‘eccentric nature’, short-wave radio theme, and the band's trouble getting this album released. Don't be fooled by them, and avoid it at all costs.”


Radiohead – OK Computer

" ‘Greatest Album of the 90s’ huh? when there are no good songs or memorable melodies, it's definitly a problem. The problem I have with most Radiohead's work is it's just not catchy. I beleive that music IS music, that means there must be more to just lyrics being sung by the singer. There has to be a chorus, a verse, a memorable melody. Music is ENTERTAINMENT, listning to this album make me want to vomit, it's just not music. Because music is supposed to be catchy with a melody and a chorus. Tell Radiohead to include a chorus in their songs and a memorable melody then maybe I'll give their work a second thought.”

“radiohead the most over-rated depressing..self indulgent..idiotic whiney music ever this music is made for nerds or people who want to slit their wrists..it's so mind numbingly dumb yeah i know i must be missing something and something is wrong with my brain and i have bad taste in music boo hoo..well i don't have bad taste i just maybe have a brain which functions not on anti-depression drugs...”

“This is one of the worst records ever by one of the worst bands ever. Don't waste your money on this garbage. Just buy Synchronicity by the Police or Listen Like Thieves by INXS. Both bands and both albums are only about 300 times better than this crap.”

Neutral Milk Hotel – In The Areoplane Over The Sea

“…It's a mystery to me why people like this band so much. I mean... I understand that you have to like some things to be considered hip, but Neutral Milk Hotel cover up talentless bass playing by layering so much fuzz on the bass that there is a low-end buzz through the whole album that makes my teeth hurt.”

“ …the lyrics are nonsensical in the painful tradition of They Might Be Giants. In discussing this I have heard it argued that Jeff Mangum is working with very personal metaphors, but I don't see the value of indeciferable metaphors. Just as I'm not interested in James K. Polk (They Might Be Giants) I'm also not interested in the king of carrot flowers; in fact, the lyrics are distracting.”

“ Remember in that movie 'Deliverance' when the hillbilly says "squeal like a pig"?? I think the vocals of Neutral Milk Hotel (whatever that is supposed to mean/aside from random word association) SQUEAL. Seriously.”

R.E.M. – Murmur

“Imagine a lo-fi Kansas album without "Dust in the Wind", and that's what you have here…This early era of REM is embarrassingly bland and dull-- it reminds me of a subpar Kansas or Chicago release. This was a chore to get through. Only someone on pot could enjoy something so boring. And based on the other reviews here that compare Stipe to Christ, I'm sure many of you are using other kinds of "medicinal enhancement" as well.

“ I love REM but this just wasn't worth the money. Don't get me wrong I love their music and I suppose I wanted to "collect them all" but this changed my mind about that idea. I'm actually upset that saved up for this. Forget about this import and just save your money for the next album.”

Flaming Lips – Soft Bulletin

“A friend of mine recommended this by telling me that, at first listen, he thought this was the most trite and idiotic thing he'd ever heard. Then after repeated listenings, he turned around completely and thought it was a work of genius. Well, it never got past trite and idiotic for me. Add to that the facts that the synth sounds are hackneyed and outdated, the singer can't actually sing, and the lyrics sound like something a fourth grade sci fi geek would find only moderately clever, and you are left with a disc that has very little going for it.”

“ …they sound either like a really cheesy lounge band now ( in a really bad way) or just washed out weirdos from oklahoma. this album is not revolutionary at all! my goodness, the thing is so clear sounding its like it was produced by the same people as the backstreet boys! where has all the noise gone? where are all the out there lyrics, song titles? the first time i heard this album, by the time it was on the third song i was so mad and disappointed that i threw it at the wall! why did you let me down, flaming lips! why are all the great noisy bands no longer making noise? …please guys, make another good album so i wont be embarassed to wear your shirts anymore!...you wasted my money, thats for sure!...”

“This is the musical equivalent of going back to wearing diapers.”

The Pixies – Doolittle

“This also doesn't even deserve negative 0 stars! How ANYBODY can even say this is mediocre is way beyond me. For real ‘Indie Rock’, listen to The Killers or Bloc Party.”

“I agree with the last reviewer who said a Phil Collins for the Nineties not even as musically sophisticated as Phil Collins.This album puts me too sleep!”

The Shins – Chutes too Narrow

“dont pretend you like this wussy crap because i know you secretly don't.”

“I like a great pop hook as much as the next guy, but it just doesn't make sense to me that this album made multiple 'best of 2003' lists. There really AREN'T any great, or even good, pop hooks on this album...nothing innovative, interesting, catchy or important here. Move along.”

“Move over Radiohead, I think we may have a new contender for most overrated band ever. There are a few minor moments of musical worth on this album, but ultimately, most of this music isn't anything your 12 year old brother who just picked up his first acoustic guitar a month ago and has just begun strumming some standard chords couldn't write with little trouble. Do people just like the idea of listening to something that sounds completely unprofessional and talentless?”

Iron and Wine – Our Endless Numbered Days

“This recording should be sent to every dentist in the country. Musak for people who like to think they have taste, forced breathy singing ("Hey I'm as talented as Nick Drake") forced steel string guitar squeeks ("Wow, what a lifelike recording") pathetic Hallmark quality lyrics ("Hey I took a creative writing course, really"), and just to make you feel comfy, the songs are redundant.”

“If you like someone straining a whisper into a microphone as two acoustic guitars strum monotonous tones, you might like this. However, it gives me a headache. There isn't anything original here, and frankly it is very dull. And for those who love it, well, don't deny the truth. It is exactly that. A dude whispering into a microphone with two acoustic guitars playing dreary songs. Like I said, if you like that, more power to you. Me, I prefer innovation and a little more of something I can move to or at least use my imagination without wishing to put a bullet in my temple. I'll try listening a couple more times....but right now I have to see a psychiatrist.”

“Time must be passing me by and music evolving beyond my ability to appreciate, because I cannot fathom how anyone could like this ‘music’. Someone told me that this disk had a fuller sound than the other Iron & Wine CD's. If that's a full sound then I'm 10 feet tall. I couldn't get past song three before I took the CD out of the player. This CD is lifeless. This one's going back.”

Yo La Tengo – I can hear the Heart Beating as One

“My friend wanted me to check out this group, so I listened to her entire album and wait...I didn't cause I fell asleep. This is a group that has very boring music, and downtempo isn't the word for it.They need to step it up or get stepped on.”

“This band is so boring. What kind of bland,insipid people listen to this.”

“Calling this CD ‘monochromatic’ might be too interesting a word to use for something this boring and numbing…. Why do people continue to assert that YLT is a ‘great band’? Beats me. There's no proof of it here.”

Fly Upright Kite

So, I am known for hunting down music anywhere. And yes, that means I even venture over to odd unsigned band sites via My Space. Granted, these days even Neil Diamond has a My Space, but for every Neil Diamond, there are literally 1,000's of mostly bad unsigned bands trying to get the word out that they exist (and yes, I have counted, theres literally 1,000's). Most of these are fascinatingly not good, and this is part of the fun. Where's Pitchfork's list of 2005 awkward singles from unsigned My Space bands? Being God, even though this Pitchfork list doesn't exist, I can dream it up as if it did, just for my own enjoyment. And if this list did exist, the number one slot would have to go to the band Fly Upright Kite. Their song Say You Love Me has uncomfortable backing vocals, it's a little too long, and has an odd guitar solo... but it is also pop brilliance! There is pure talent buried in this beautiful track, but it is buried down inside of poor production. Here's a perfect analagy for you, it's like finding a gummibear covered in ants... there's something tastey there, you just have to brush off the gross. Looking at their tour itenerary, it would be fair to guess they are from Massachusetts (not that I'm guessing). And I believe they are playing at a bowling alley, which is a band starting out right of passage. This band has a way to go, but they totally could get there.

Download the mp3 their song Say You Love Me from their My Space Site and enjoy.

I'm on TV! I'm on TV!

Hey look, I’m going to be on TV! I'm famous! Some show called “The Book Of Daniel”, which from the commercial makes me think its not based on that Daniel but some other Daniel (not that a tv show with Aidan Quinn fighting lions would be too bad). Either way, the show is on Friday nights, which isn’t too good for my schedule because that is when so many of you need me to keep you out of trouble (you’re welcome), but Heaven, being perfect, has a Tivo, so I will make sure to watch it sometime over the weekend. Time makes it sound racy, which is cool because I like stories about me that are a little more realistic than “7th Heaven”... not that I didn’t like “7th Heaven”, but this show looks like it could be more of the Son of God’s pace. Remember, I’m the guy who told stories by the campfire all the time about people getting beat up or people running away from home and spending all their cash on prostitutes. How many parables did I tell with talking animals? None! Not that there were talking animals on “7th Heaven”, but honestly, they wouldn’t have felt too out of place.

Anyway, I’m excited to see if this show is any good. Aidan Quinn was in one of my all time favorite movies, “The Mission”, and yes, I forgave him for being a jerk to Johnny Depp in “Benny and June”. The guy who plays me, Garret Dillahunt, was also one of my favorite reoccurring characters during the 1995-1996 season of “One Life to Live” as Charlemagne Moody, so let’s see if he’s still got the goods to play somebody I’d argue is a little harder to impersonate than Johnny Cash, the big J.C.! It’s on this Friday on of them “important” stations.

This is Not a Test

I simply don’t like tests. Never did, never will. Think of this not so much a “test” as “helping Jesus through a question he already knows how to answer, he just wants to see if anyone else knows the answer (even though he knows if you knows… not the point)”. Screw it, here’s your test:

How would a certain blogger (ex. Jesus Christ) turn an image (ex. What Would Jesus Blog image I made in photoshop) into a title header that would always stay at the top of a (ex. My) web blog?

If you can answer correctly via the below “comments posting,” something special might happen to you but you will never know what that special thing is until somebody in Heaven (Peter) shows you in your life videotape what the angels did special for you while you were on Earth.