Black and White Theology

People have argued over what color My skin was almost as much as My theology. “All good Buddhists are going to Hell? Who cares, do you think he was a black dude?” I hear this all the time. To give props to such a fine debate, I have decided to put together for Myself a Mix Tape of songs written from a black stereotype perspective, but sung by a white person. Below are a few of My favorites. What are others out there what would work well on My mix, soon to be entitled “Jesus Christ’s Mix Tape of Songs By Black People Sang By White People”. NSFCC! *** Conservative Church ALERT! *** Cussing abounds!

Nina Gordon – Straight Outta Compton.mp3

Dynamite Hack – Boyz N The Hood.mp3

Eef Barzelay – Ballad Of Bitter Honey.mp3

The Gourds – Gin And Juice.mp3

Questions From Some Of My Favorite People

How sweet is that picture?!!! Anway, here’s some answers to some questions a few of you have asked Me lately.

Mollie asks - I think You have great taste in music (naturally, since you are God!) and I was wondering if You think I should give Animal Collective a chance. Also, do you have any Oscar picks this year?

Mollie, while I was sewing you together in your mothers womb, I did add in you the ability to enjoy the weirdness that is the Animal Collective. You are going to think they are pretty weird, Mollie, and they won’t become your all time favorite band, but you can enjoy them a little more than most of your friends would. As far as My Oscar picks, I kinda know who wins already (hint: a lot of My “followers” didn’t see it). However, I still stick to My guns and say that no movie in 2005 was better than The Constant Gardener, and the most annoying movie of 2005 was Walk The Line because they totally left Me out of it and I had a HUGE part in the original script. I love you, Molly! Enjoy John Stewart’s monologue.


Jeremy Sawatzky asks - will sufjan stevens ever hold a concert in manitoba, and if so, when will it be? when will coldplay's next album be released, and will it be any good? is hell a real place, and if so, how does a person avoid going there? like, that whole, "accept jesus as your personal lord and saviour" deal... does that really work? it always seemed kinda silly to me... but is it legit? or should people focus more on living a good life? lots of christians say that if someone doesnt "accept" jesus, they will go to hell... is that true? and if it is, doesnt it screw most of the world? do you like my blog? what do you think about 'the davinci code' book/movie? worthwhile or waste of time?

Whoa!!!! Slow down, Jeremy! Maybe I should make a one question per post rule. Lucky for you, Jesus Christ always answers you. Although, it is not always through this blog and usually people aren’t paying attention when I reply. I’m sneaky that way. Anway, let’s do this. Sufjan may hold a show in Manitoba, but this kinda feels like a test, and I don’t like being tested… kinda like you, J-Train! If you like Coldplay, you’ll like their next album, and you gotta awhile ‘til you hear it. Hell is real, if you want to avoid it be My friend. The whole “accepting Me as your Savior” thing not only works, it is the only hand you can play in the Heavenly Court right before My Dad is about to send you straight down. It might be silly to you, but there won’t be too many laughing come the day of that trial. Don’t focus on living a good life, focus on Me. Nobody will ever get into the Gates because they were a “good person”. If you don’t know Me, you won’t know Heaven, and if you won’t know Heaven, there’s only one other option. To kinda quote one of My favorite flicks, “the greatest trick the devil ever played was making people believe he doesn’t exist”. Yes, this screws over a lot of people, unless you get on the ball and tell them about Me. I got your back, J-Rod. Your blog is cute, but could use some pictures from time to time. The Davinci Code, like to book of Morman, is a great work of fiction that should make a cool flick. I love you, J-Money. Forget Me not.


MJRC asks - Would it be a sin to go see Cloud Cult on Easter Sunday? It doesn't feel quite right to me, but it's the only day they will be in my area. I am conflicted.
Easter is a pretty big day for Me, and I can think of few ways better to celebrate it than at the Cloud Cult show. Just don’t let it get in the way of our relationship. I love you, make sure you are loving Me back.
Ron Freeman asks - Did you have a nickname that didn't make the Bible? ya'know, like Bucky or something?

I always thought I sounded pretty tough with the whole “I Am” thing, but that never really picked up like I thought it should. “The Way” has been kinda an odd one. Just because I say something, doesn’t mean it would make a great nickname. That’s like Me calling you the great “Not Home Right Now” because you said that on your answering machine message once. I got a lot of nicknames, but you don’t need to worry about that. Regarding Bucky, can you believe they brought Bucky back to life in those new Captain America comics?!!! Nobody cool in comics stays dead. I wonder where they got that idea from?

You got a question for Me? Post it in the comments and maybe I’ll answer it on My blog.

Comments Of Anger

From time to time, I receive comments that seem pretty upset with the fact that Jesus Christ has a blog now. In My defense, I need absolutely no defense. There’s nothing new under the sun. Some people are going to like Me, some are going to hate Me. I think this guy hates Me:

Proclaimer of Truth said...
I think you are the biggest liar and deciever. Even Satan can pose as an angel of light. You never use any scripture and if you were truly Jesus Christ then you would lead others to you through your word. In other words, i hope you like fire cause you are going to burn in hell forever for this great blasphamy!!!I'll be prayering that you get your head straight and quit leading others down the wide path of the wicket. There is always hope for you because John 8:36 says "if the Son sets him free, then he is free indeed." i hope you either tell them you are a real human using your own words or you just shut this site down. Either way i am praying for you always.
with prayers,
POT

Now, I do not plan on normally replying to all these negative emails or comment posts, but this one I couldn’t pass up. That being said, here goes! Hey POT (nice acronym, by the way), are you the one who judges? Did I ask you to judge? Is that what I said? You seem to know a lot about Me, what did I say about judging? Did I give you the authority to damn others to Hell? Cause I think you just tried to do that, POT. Hmmm. You sound pretty religious, kinda like all those religious people that really hated Me back when I was alive down there. You remember what I thought about them, POT? Something about “whitewashed tombs” maybe? You know what I meant by that? Or how about when Peter said he wouldn’t disown Me, remember what I said to him? Here’s a hint, that same quote was used as a White Stripes album name. Keep up with the praying though, the life you save may be your own. I love you, POT. This is tough love I’m throwing your way. Channel that anger into passion and just maybe I’ll use you to change the world, but until then, quit with the “proclaiming” and start with some following.

Do You Miss Your Grandaddy?

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Grandaddy - You Are My Sunshine(live).mp3

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Jesus Christ reviews the new Grandaddy album, "Just Like the Fambly Cat"

I will miss Grandaddy. Here's a track for track rundown.

Track 1. What Happened – A quick intro. track with normal cool Grandaddy keyboards and a freaky kid voice asking over and over “what happened to the fambly cat?” Eerie and possibly a little too long. I will, for the rest of all eternity, skip this track.

Track 2. Jeez Louis – Ahh… This is why I love Grandaddy. Fast, loud, fun, and a little predictable, this gets things off to a great start with keyboards and guitars a’blazing.

Track 3. Summer… It’s Gone – Poor Grandaddy. Summer here kids has turned to autumn, and there is a “Grandaddy sound” that will surely be missed. This song has that “acoustic to loud to acoustic to keyboard, then repeat” thing working for them, and God is a fan of it.

Track 4. Oxygen-Aux Send – Pretty little mostly instrumental filler with some “ahhh-ing.” Basically a long intro to the next track.

Track 5. Rear View Mirror – Kinda normal sounding but with a fun guitar solo. A loud and long song with kinda dumb lyrics but is still good because of the fun “Grandaddy sound” production.

Track 6. The Animal World – Droning and kinda boring. Like a post apocalyptic ballad there the narrator misses the good old days of animals. The last thing you will be thinking about during the apocalypse is watching some Animal Planet, but it still is a nice visual.

Track 7. Skateboarding Saves Me Twice – A nice instrumental. Nothing too fancy, just nice… could have been a B-side though.

Track 8. Where I’m Anymore – If you have a mellow, kinda normal, kinda boring song that is clocking in at over six minutes, that isn’t too catchy, how to you make it a little more memorable? Add some meowing in the chorus! Oh, that silly fambly cat, he just makes me want to skip this track, too.

Track 9. 50% - Part 3 of the Possible B Side trilogy. This is a quick minute long throw away track that is fast, fun, and not really needed… but I’ll take it.

Track 10. Guide Down Denied – This could have fit easily on “The Software Slump”, which is one of Jesus Christ’s favorite albums of the past 10 years. This song is mellow and beautiful. Classic Grandaddy. This track begins the strong run to the finish line.

Track 11. Elevate Myself – It’s like I died again and went to pop Heaven! Put this on a CD right now!

Track 12. Campershell Dreams – The sound of cowboys crooning in the future. A soft acoustic ballad that if the production dropped out and left this song to its bare bones, wouldn’t sound too out of place on an Iron and Wine album. Pretty.

Track 13. Disconnecty – Another cool song that sounds exactly like Grandaddy. Catchy choruses and keyboards!

Track 14. This Is How It Always Starts – Beautiful. A soft lullaby for robots. Somewhere, Jed is crying.

Track 15. Shangri-La - A playful goodbye. Quick, simple, keyboard heavy, and opera singing backup vocals. A fun way to ride off into the metalic sunset.

If you loved “The Software Slump” and thought “Sumday” was not quite as good but definitely still great, then you will have no problem loving “Just Like The Fambly Cat” as well. This album will most likely be My soundtrack to creating your spring.

Overall Review – 3.5 Gold Crowns out of 4

Life Is Bigger Than You

R.E.M. - So Fast, So Numb.mp3
NO LONGER ONLINE

Ever wonder if you waste too much time on things that don't matter? Let Me just tell you now, you do. Wake up! Try to do something that makes you feel alive today. Don't just sit there. I know when you die, so get moving. You would not believe how many death bed prayers I hear daily that use the word "regret" in it, over and over again. If you don't want to have any regrets on that death bed, do something about it today. Quit wasting time. Trust Me.

Now, a lot of you who know Me know this simple fact, Jesus loves R.E.M. I understand that they have sort of fallen out of time with the rest of the indie world, and I understand why. Their last few albums have not quite held the same excitement that they once created. However, I still ABSOLUTLY LOVED their past few albums, but I can see why most of the world didn't really care for them. Anyway, the mp3 above is one of My favorite songs from the past 10 years. This song has been known to help people wake up, and I think you should hear this. Give this song a chance.

And also, from Me to you, I found something that I think very very few of you will enjoy. Proof that you probably have too much time on your hands. Few people, right before they die, think that they didn't watch enough TV. Few people, right before they die, think that watching all those E! True Hollywood Stories was a wise time investment.

So what did Jesus Christ find on the internet that may hint that some of you have too much time on your hands? How about a 13 minute home made video of cut scenes from Japanamation cartoons set to R.E.M. songs?!! Let this inspire you to spend your time wisely. And let Me add, I don't consider this video a waist of time. Especially if it can inspire you to do something great with your time today.

Dylan and Me

As many of you know, there used to be a time when Me and Bob Dylan were super tight. Before he knew Me, he was searching hard for some answers as to if there is a point to life, etc., etc. Once Bob and I did become friends, he created some of the worst music of his career, which is a little inside joke which I will explain to you once you are in Heaven. Anyway, I love Bob Dylan and his musical talent if a gift I created for many of you to enjoy. Before Bob and I met, he saw a lot of what he considered to be “truth” in Woody Guthrie, and wrote this poem for him called “Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie”. Bob and I aren’t as tight as we used to be, but he still got his name in My book. If you want proof that I exist, keep looking because I often show you many different clues pointing to Me daily. In fact, here’s a clue right now. Enjoy.

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Bob Dylan – Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie.mp3

Peter, who do you think I am?

Reading your posted comments has been a blast. Every now and then I find one that I really find fascinating. Here is My favorite "post of the week".

J-nel said... "Hey, I think that you should tell people that you are really not Jesus. You are just answering there questions on what you think Jesus would say or on your own thoughts on the questions. I do not want to have people believe that you are Jesus. "

Well J-nel, the battle between doubt and faith is usually a beautiful mess. I love you, J-nel, and this song made Me think of you.

NO LONGER ONLINE

Bright Eyes and Britt Daniel - Southern State.mp3

Jesus Answers, part 4

Hey gang, Jesus here. I’m really loving this blogging thing. Thanks for visiting. Some of you recently posted some questions for Me. Here’s my replies to you.

Ron Freeman asks – Hey Jesus, it's Ron again. When I was a teenager a lot of people from my church said that predestination meant that we had no freewill. I believed that for awhile til one day I thought "If God is sovereign He can give us freewill if he wants to" That seemed to tick them off but from there I pretty much didn't let it bother me. But now that you have a convenient blog I'll ask you to settle things. What's the deal with predestination vs. freewill vs. some combo of the two?

Ron, it’s confusing but both happen. Really, it’s not worth worrying about because I purposely keep a lot of things a mystery. But if you want it, here goes. I know where you are going to end up in life. If you change the course of that, I can still get you where I want you. It’s kinda like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, where you make up the whole story, but you always get the same last page of the story. Your story ends well, Ron, but I’m letting you figure out how to steer yourself to that final chapter.


Daniel asks - 1. Is it OK to share mp3s? I like the ones you've shared but the RIAA says no. 2. Is it OK not to like Coldplay? 'Cause I never could get into them. 3. Is Jimi Hendrix in heaven?

Daniel, let's take care of questions 2 and 3 quickly… yes to both. Coldplay you do not have to like, but I’d prefer it if you still didn’t make too much fun of them, that’s lazy. Jimi led a terrible life, and didn’t take care of the talent I gave him, but the lucky soul met me when he was a Freshman in high school at a Church Lock-In, and now he’s up here sounding much better than he ever did down there.

As for question number 1, is it ok to share mp3s? Great question! Very tricky, Daniel, very tricky! When I was down there on earth, people all the time tried to trick Me with questions. “Hey Jesus, the law sells we should stone this hooker, but isn’t killing a sin?” “Hey Jesus, healing is good, but did you just work on the Sabbath?” If I said “no”, I was in trouble, but if I said “yes” I was in trouble, too. Very sneaky! So, I would be sneaky right back at them, and because I am God, My sneakiness was perfect. I’d answer their question with another question, and shut them all up. So here goes… Is it ok to share mp3s? Hmmm… is it ok to borrow books for libraries? Stop book sharing! Book sharing will destroy the book publishers.

Did that work? Probably not. Probably not because I was kidding! Ha Ha, perfect humor! If sharing mp3’s is illegal, don’t share them. I might some times, but it is not smart to mimic every little thing I do. Try a lot to be like Me, but not totally like Me. That “What Would Jesus Do?” movement was not too wise, because I was trying to get Myself killed. If people were trying super hard to be like Me, more of you would be getting killed. Be smart. Don’t break the law. Don’t get killed.


Cassandra asks - What do you think about the band Anathallo? They seem to like you a lot.

I love Anathallo kinda like how a human would love a band they have never ever heard of, but I love them a little bit more than that because I’m God. So, I absolutely love Anathallo, and their website makes them seem kinda fun.


Laura asks – Hey JC, what's the deal with this whole noise rock experimental movement that no one is bothered enough to listen to? Is it ever going to completely go away, or are we going to have to be subjected to the occassional Lightning Bolt and Wolf Eyes for the rest of our lives? And oh, why is it that most mainstream bands who sing in the name of you tend to...you know, lack talent?

The cave men experimented with noise rock. There’s nothing new under the sun. Until the end days, some of my Beloved will think loud and weird is the future of music. Some will be right, most will be wrong.

Regarding Christian Mainstream bands not being good, most mainstream stuff isn’t for music fans like you I'm afraid. Most humans don’t want to learn new and possibly more complex music. Give them a hook and a fun chorus and they are fine. For the average Christian, give them a hook, a fun chorus, and name drop something Biblical, and that’s all they need. True music fans like yourself will have to dig deeper to find good stuff that also seems to like Me. It’s out there, but it’s kinda like a treasure hunt. Happy hunting.


Texasinafrica asks - Why don't any good bands come to Africa for their tours? Those of us living in exile are dying here. Thanks for the MP3's!

Africans are not known for their love of North American Indie Rock. If you really think you are dying over there, move back to Texas… or start liking that Paul Simon album with the diamonds on feet.


Mjrc asks - Have you ever heard of Cloud Cult? On their album "Advice from the Happy Hippopotamus" they ask a lot of questions that you could answer for them, like "what comes at the end". And then there's a song about a "transistor radio" that broadcasts messages from grampa, and then there's this song "light at the end of the tunnel". These songs are all right up your alley, if you don't mind my saying so.

Thanks to you, Mjrc, I now love Cloud Cult! Thanks for pointing their way. Kinda reminds me of the Arcade Fire with a little bit of the Violent Femmes. Wow, that sounds really awful! I'm loving it. As far as answering their “What comes at the end” question… I definitely could make that buffalo thing happen for you if you want that.


Got more questions for Jesus? Fire away in the comments section and I’ll answer you in the next couple days.

Jesus Loves Mrs. Miller

Good voice, bad voice, it's all in the ears of the beholder. Some of you like Thom York, and some of you like Mrs. Miller. It could be argued that I am The Beholder, and if so, then a wonderful voice you should all get to know is that of Mrs. Miller.

NO LONGER ONLINE

Mrs. Miller - A Groovy Kind Of Love.mp3
Eat your heart out, Phil Collins!
Mrs. Miller - Up Up And Away.mp3

Mrs. Miller - Hard Days Night.mp3

Ask Jesus

Sigur Ros - Glosoli.mp3

Wesley Willis - Jesus is the Answer.mp3

Jesus Loves Aziz Ansari!

I made some comedians more likeable than others. That’s just how I roll. One comedian I am excited to share with My creation is Aziz Ansari. This kid really makes Me howl. St. Peter does this classic Ansari impression that, when you see it, you'll die... because you really can't see St. Peter any other way. But once you die, ask St. Peter to do his "Ansari". It's all about his timing. Anyway, I emailed Aziz some questions and he was kind enough to reply. I like Aziz, and so should you.


JC: Hey Aziz, do you believe in Me? We don't talk much.

Aziz Ansari: There was a time when I did not believe in you Jesus, nor did I believe in your crucifixion - that is until I saw Mel Gibson’s powerful motionpicture "Bird On A Wire." Surely the chemistry between Gibson and GoldieHawn was not the work of happenstance, but that of a divine power suchas yourself.


JC: Hey Aziz, that MIA bit you do is funny, what are your thoughts on Hell?

Aziz Ansari: I hate that Hell is just supposed to be "non-stop fire!" That's notsomething anyone on Earth can relate to. The amount of Hellishness that implies is far beyond something we could imagine. I picture Hell to be something relatable, you know? Like, paying a heavy cover to get into a strip club and then realizing the strip club has only about 10 or so girls that aren't really attractive enough to warrant the high price. Doesn’t that suck? We all can relate to that.


JC: Hey Aziz, what word most likely can make you laugh?

Aziz Ansari: Through a bizarre series of events involving a small white dog and an endless series of warped inside joke play between my brother and I, the word most likely to make me laugh is "cotton."


JC: Hey Aziz, what's the deal with only being on "Best Week Ever" for only that one week? Was that your best week ever?

Aziz Ansari: After my initial appearances on "Best Week," I was thrusted into theupper echelons of Hollywood and I made love to Jennifer Aniston, ScarletJohannson, and Angelina Jolie over the course of 2 weeks. Once I becameinvolved with such mainstays of the Hollywood scene, I felt uncomfortable making wisecracks on their and their friends’ behalf (I don't know what happened, I think I accidentally made someone there angry).


JC: Hey Aziz, how many hours a week do you spend in front of your computer?

Aziz Ansari: I spend an embarrassing amount of time in front of my computer I’m sure. I can check my email, myspace, facebook, blogs, and then repeat this cycle for up to 4 hours.


JC: Hey Aziz, do you think there’s a god that created everything, or probably we just sort of happened?

Aziz Ansari: I believe God created everything, but I believe God evolved frommicroscopic organisms through a process known as evolution.


JC: Hey Aziz, who would win in this fight, you or Bob Dylan circa 1988?

Aziz Ansari: Funny story, I was it was the mid eighties. And I was trying to talk Bob into writing the theme song for a film called "Back To The Future." Dylan said the movie sounded really stupid and I told him it was destined to be a classic. We got into a tumble and Dylan beat me up bad. Next thing you know, Huey Lewis comes up and goes "Dylan, what are you doing beating up a 5 year old?" Dylan just took off in the other direction - where he was intercepted by a gang of thugs known simply as - "The News." The rest is history.


JC: Hey Aziz, if you could make all religion disappear with just one joke, would you? And what might that joke be?

Aziz Ansari: I would make it all disappear if I could. The joke would probably make fun of the fact that most people base their religious beliefs solely onwhatever religion there parents had. Unfortunately, I have yet to be able to develop that notion into a hilarious joke.


JC: Hey Aziz, if you could join The Go! Team for one month, would that prove to you that I died for your sins?

Aziz Ansari: The Go! Team sounds like a fun band to be involved with. But I’m not really that into them. So, I guess it would prove that you just don't get me Jesus...


JC: Hey Aziz, what is the most spiritual experience you have ever felt (no cussing)?

Aziz Ansari: One time I had a layover in the Atlanta airport, and I was hoping tohave some Chic-Fil-A, but the terminal I was in didn't have the Chic-Fil-A. I said to myself, "come on, God, give me some Chic-Fil-A." Next thing you know, I see a kid with a Chic-Fil-A Sandwich combo (with sweet tea no less) and I said, "Hey little buddy, is there any way I could have that Chic-Fil-A, I'm really hungry..." The kid said no, but for whatever reason he suddenly turned his head to the left, giving me the perfect window to slap him in the head and grab the bag. I was sohappy and I can only assume God was responsible for whatever made that young boy turn his head. Thanks Lord.

Thanks, Aziz, for the interview! Just for the record, I made Aziz so that he would be absolutely in love with the song “The Power Is On” by The Go! Team. If he tells you that he doesn’t think that song is anything great, he is sinning at you but you should forgive him. Go to his website. Go to his shows. Support humor that is good.

I recently made a mix tape that consisted of music that would be good for the Elevator to Hell, which is sort of in the similar vein of this Aziz Ansari video of the poor kid having to walk around New York City blasting some uncomfortable songs via a very large Boom Box stereo. Click here and enjoy Aziz being very uncomfortable. (Warning: Website might not be SFCC{safe for conservative churches}) If you liked that, make sure to check out his stand up video regarding his love for MIA.

Sermon on the Blog

My pal Darwin got a lot right. Sure, one could argue he got a lot wrong, but you without making mistakes throw the first stone. Evolution, for example, sounds like something a God with total power could pull off. White people being more powerful than black people, I might have a problem with. All things considered, I made Darwin pretty smart and he got a lot right. However, something regarding Me and Darwin has made me incredibly angry. And I'm not talking normal "I'm in a bad mood" angry. I'm talking pure, righteous, and holy Godly anger. I'm talking about car decals.

Now, people who claim to follow Me, listen closely... I'll do the judging, you do the loving. Say it with Me, "I do the loving." Again, "I do the loving."

My people, there is a war going on right now. A war that poses Christian car decals verses Darwin car decals, and "Christians", you are losing. What part of "love other people" is not getting through to you? Some people don't believe in Me. Some of these people don't believe in Me because you are telling them that I said that evolution isn't possible... and you are mocking them with car decals.

What is more realistic, that a magic invisible thing decided in six days to hand create every animal in the universe... or that a few chemicals mixed and slowly over millions of years those chemicals created a life that over millions of more years slowly evolved into fish? There is a leap of faith in Christianity that can be really difficult to swallow. Humans have teeth they are born with that they no longer need. Humans have organs inside of them that they no longer need. My followers, the Darwin point of view really makes a lot of sense.

So, you decide to make fun of their beliefs by putting a sticker on your car for EVERYONE to see saying that your religion will devour very realistic beliefs?

If they put a Darwin fish on their car, do you think I would want you to try to "one up" them with a Christian fish eating the Darwin fish? Do you REALLY think that is a decision I, Jesus Christ, would be excited that you made? Does that little Darwin car decal feel like a slap you in the face? What did I tell you about people who slap you in the face?

If you want to represent Me with a sticker on your car, and by all means go for it, but if you really want to put something on your car that says you are a follower of Jesus Christ, please follow these 5 simple steps:

1. Remember that I do not NEED you to advertise for Me.
2. Don't break any laws while driving.
3. That means never speed. Never.
4. Always smile and let cars cut you off.
5. Pay for the gas of strangers while you pump your own gas.

If you are not following all of these steps while driving with a Christian sticker on your car, you are hurting the cause. Sure, you sin... but hopefully you are trying to stop that and a lot of people who don't believe in Me see you guys as hypocrites (which all humans will be at one point or another). Show people you follow Me by following Me. Your actions are what I want, not My logo advertised on your car.
It is through WHO YOU ARE that effects the lives of others. When was the last time a bumper sticker changed your political views or your views on current hot topics? Keep trying. Pray for wisdom. I love you guys. Be wise, people are watching you.

Links That Jesus Finds Interesting

These links are possibly of interest. Enjoy?

Video of some guys throwing some girl through a basketball hoop.

Itty Bitty Pac Man

Baby Got Big Bible

Colon Cleansing Pills (look in the picture gallery if you dare!)

Jesus Christ RPG Adventure Game

Chuck Norris Facts

Best Musical Ever... maybe, besides Godspell, the Superstar one, or the one with the flaming jacket.

A Painter who is better at Painting than You

Be Mine

Sup, Beloved? I love you! Happy Valentine’s Day. I made you a mix tape. You miss Me and you long for Me and you wish I spoke to you more often than you think I do. I’m sorry for that. You have it hard down there. I’m right there with you though, I’m just hard to feel some times. Look for Me, I’m right there, look.

I think about you all the time, and this mix tape has some songs that remind Me of you. Imagine and play along, if you will, that all these lyrics are from Me and it is Me singing these songs to you. Not all the lyrics fit The Word of God perfectly, so please don’t take this to be Scripture… but, honestly, a lot of these lyrics are pretty close. You mean a lot to me, and I hope these songs remind you of how much I care about you. It took Me six days to create the world, but it took nine months to cook up you. I know the number of hairs on your head and I count your eyelashes, secretly.

Too cheesy? Yeah, maybe a little. Sorry about that. I just want you to have a great Valentine’s Day. Remember I love you, and I hope these songs can help you think about your Number 1 Fan. Forget Me not.

UPDATE: ALL LINKS REMOVED, BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN I LOVE YOU ANY LESS.

Here’s the whole mix in one handy zip folder…
VA - Jesus Christs' Heavenly Love Songs (2006).zip

Or Track by Track…
01. Eels - Theme For A Pretty Girl That Makes You Believe God Exists

02. Mull Historical Society – Hope Intro.

03. Clem Snide - I'l Be Your Mirror
I know I plug this song a lot, but the lyrics are so dead on how I feel about you.
04. Ash - There's A Star

05. Jeff Tweedy - I'm the Man that Loves You (acoustic)

06. Of Montreal - Everything Disappears

07. The Jayhawks – Smile

08. Mull Historical Society - How Bout I Love You More

09. Pedro the Lion - Breadwinner You
This one is a little rough lyrically, but you can take it.
10. Gorky's Zygotic Mynci - Easy Love

11. Idlewild - Welcome Home

12. Johnny and June Cash - Pack Up Your Sorrows

13. Half Handed Cloud - We Are Not Orphaned

14. Eels - Something Is Sacred

15. Brandi Carlile - Closer to you
“Seasons change and I do too.”…lyrically, not quite true, but oh that chorus!
16. Colin Meloy - I Know Very Well How I Got My Name

17. Jeff Magnum - I Love How You Love Me

18. Iron and Wine - Dearest Forsaken (live)

19. Over The Rhine - I Want You to Be My Love

20. Ryan Adams – Blossom

21. The Microphones - My Roots are Strong and Deep

22. Natalie Merchant - Tell Yourself

23. Sinead O'Connor - In This Heart

24. Michael Stipe and Chris Martin - In The Sun
The cocky Chris Martin quote at the end of this song, not from Me. I've heard better.
25. Chris Mills - You Are My Favorite Song

26. Jolie Holland - Amen

Happy Valentine's Day!

Jesus Loves Paul Scheer!

If you know Jesus Christ, then you obviously know Jesus Christ loves the VH1 Show Best Week Ever! Every weekend, Yours Truly is Tivoing this show and laughing His halo off. In My humble opinion, Best Week Ever is Must Watch Comedy… up there with The Office, The Family Guy, and E.R. If you are not watching Best Week Ever every week, I have no idea how you keep up with current pop culture.

And if you know Jesus Christ, then you obviously know that My favorite comic on Best Week Ever is Aziz Ansari. However, Jesus Christs third favorite comedian from Best Week Ever is the hilarious Paul Scheer! Often referred to as “the sexy smiling bald gap toothed one”, Paul steals the show almost every week. Paul and I are friends, so I decided to email Paul ten questions for him to answer for all My What Would Jesus Blog readers. Enjoy.

JC: Hey Paul, do you think I’m really Gods Kid or just some guy from history that lots of people still talk about but I probably wasn’t magic?

Paul Scheer: I definitely think you are God's kid. There is absolutely no doubt about it, you are the typical child of a celebrity. Look at the facts, your Dad was uber famous and successful he created the world and people, how can you top that? So what do you do, start fights with the money changers church, you hang out with your 12 buddies all the time, you hang out with whores and take road trips into the dessert for 40 days and no one knows where you went. You make Paris Hilton look tame.


JC: Hey Paul, do you like the gap tooth thing I did or are you pissed at Me about it?

Paul Scheer: At first I was like, "Damn". Then I was like, wait a second, you created me in your image, so I'm assuming you have a gap tooth too. High Five!


JC: Paul, is religion just a trick to make people think death aint too bad?

Paul Scheer: If that's true then I guess you expect me to believe that "Defending Your Life", "Heaven Can Wait", all the George Burns "Oh God" Movies and the Last Episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm is Total Fiction and that My friend is something I can't get behind.


JC: Hey Paul, what’s up with what’s up with that one movie you made with paintball guns? That looked funny.

Paul Scheer: First of all, thank you Jesus for taking time out to watch our little independent film. I know you and your Dad are bombarded by Academy Award Nominated Actors and Films (especially during this time of year) Blackballed: The Bobby Dukes Story starring Rob Corrdry (The Daily Show), Rob Riggle (Saturday Night Live), Rob Huebel (Best Week Ever) and Me, plus a bunch more great people you'd totally recognize a.) because you created them and b.) because you watch a lot of TV is a totally improvised movie that takes place in the competitive world of Paintball. We've won a bunch of awards for it and hopefully the film is going to distributed very soon in a minor theatrical release and then on DVD, which is going to be packed full of extras.


JC: Hey Paul, are you for or against Weezer?

Paul Scheer: I'm for Weezer but against their Breakup. Let's get Rivers Cuomo on some Anti Depressants and Make a Few More Albums. But Less like Maladroit and More Like Pinkerton and Blue (Their Debut CD).


JC: Hey Paul, do you think you have the talent to one day switch to drama and then one day get nominated for an Oscar only to lose it to that kid from the 6th sense who will then be an older person who other actors respect?

Paul Scheer: Great Question. I was just thinking about this the other day. The answer is, Totally. But by the time, Haley Joel Osment is in his 30's the Academy Awards will have become an all out Award Show Cage Match. If you want that award you have to Kickbox, Bite, and Karate Chop the rest of the nominees for it and in the Steel Cage Haley Joel is my Bitch!


JC: Hey Paul, have you ever thought about marketing yourself to the teen youth group crowd? There’s lots of conferences you could be a part of and share the stage with magicians, break dancers, and puppets.

Paul Scheer: I'll never share the stage with a stage with a break dancing puppet again. It's just something I don't want to get into here. If you really want to know wait for my tell all book. "If a Break Dancing Puppet Molests You Backstage, Does Anybody Hear it?" Coming this Fall.


JC: Hey Paul, when was the closest to God you ever felt?

Paul Scheer: I guess it happened about a month ago, in a San Fernando Valley 7-11. I was tired and I was looking for an energy drink, but I don't like Red Bull. I was hoping that they would have something different like Crunk Juice (You know, Lil John's Energy Drink) but when I got to refrigerator, there was none in sight. I was bummed, but then something made me take a second look, it was like a miracle, I saw a can of Crunk sticking out behind a can of Red Bull and I was like.."Thank God!" But I don't know why I was surprised, If you could turn water into wine you certainly can turn Red Bull into Crunk.


JC: Hey Paul, would you be surprised if the end of the world happened before you died?

Paul Scheer: Are You Threatening Me?


JC: Finally Paul, could you beat Michael Stipe in an arm wrestling tournament?

Paul Scheer: No, His Forearm Strength is that of Legend. I heard he ripped the arms from Def Leppard's Drummer just because he entered his home with his Muddy Boots on. I Think the only way that I'd have a shot is if I had a Robo-Arm and even then, it would have to calibrated special for such an event.
Thanks for the interview, Paul! I love you very much and I hope people can see Me through the creativity and humor I gave you. If you would like to see more of Paul, watch Best Week Ever on VH1 or check out his blog at paulscheer.com.

God Approved Links

I wept. This Link had Me weeping from both humor and for possibly not humor.

Hey people who believe in Me, make sure you understand why some people don’t.

Great movie preview, complete with the song “Popcorn”!

When Blockbuster runs out of good movies, go here.

Heavenly Art.

Can you guess who said what from Falwell, Robertson, and Bin Ladin?

My Little Ninja

My ninja can beat up your ninja. Somebody give this guy a movie deal already! This is what you get when you mix a young Jackie Chan with a Hot Topic employee.

HEY KURT! I'M TALKING TO YOU!

Curt asked - Well, Jesus, I hate to question you (lighting bolts and all that), but did you just miss my question? I asked about how do I decide about what I should do about my calling or vocation or whatever. If you didn't miss it and you just dodged it, well, I don't even want to think about that. I mean, how would you handle a really tough question, like, what happens to those people who don't hear about you, those who never hear your message? Do they do to hell? Is there a middle ground for those people? If you can only answer one, answer the first one. Thanks

Curt, man, I’ve been trying to answer you for months! Don’t you dare think I’m ignoring or dodging you. I talk to you in many more ways than through a blog. Look for Me, I’m right in front of you. Not all My signs are painted on busses. Regarding your calling, I am calling you but you need to listen. This afternoon, go to a graveyard, walk around, remember your mortality or possible lack there of, and let’s talk… but then you gotta listen. And don’t forget, it’s not where you go, it’s who you are. Your vocation is loving Me and loving others, that’s the ride.

As far as people who haven’t heard about Me and then die, you don’t need to worry about them. I got them covered. People can see Me in clouds. People can see Me in cereal bowls. I made you guys in My image, people can see Me when they look at their feet. Trust Me, I know what I’m doing. There is no middle ground for people, you either know Me or you don’t. However, I got a few tricks up my sleeve regarding how I meet people and get to know them. Lots of people always want to know about what happens to dead babies that never got a chance to hear about Jesus, as if I forgot about them. I got it covered. You just focus on Me and those around you, and I’ll take care of that and everything else.

Shooby Do Wop!

I LOOOOOVE Shooby Taylor! If you do not know of the scatting sensation that is Schooby, then today is going to turn out a little bit better than it would because of this man and his music. Shooby has been up here for the past couple years now, and you should hear this cat scat over angels! They used to call him The Human Horn, but up here we him the Heavenly Horn. His human claim to fame was as follows: mail man by day/scat dub singer over already recorded songs by night! Shooby would take a piece of already recorded music and record on top of it him doing his thing. I have been thinking about changing a bit of the past, because I can do that can of thing, and I have been thinking I should have added an 11 Commandment, "One Shooby Taylor song on all Music Mixes". Here's a few of My favorites to choose from:

Shooby Taylor - How Great Thou Art.mp3

Shooby Taylor - Why Me Lord.mp3

Shooby Taylor - Folsom Prison Blues.mp3

Shooby Taylor - Over The Rainbow.mp3

Thanks to Shooby.com for keeping up with all the Shooby info. one would need!

Brokeback to the Future

And just when you thought Brokback paradies were getting pretty old... this preview made Me laugh out loud. Enjoy.

Grant and Me of Ages

Jesus Christ loves Grant Lee Phillips. The man knows how to write a song and his voice can cut through metal. His official site talks about his new all cover album and I am definitly excited to hear what a Grant Lee Phillips Pixies cover sounds like. Here's an interesting quote from Mr. Phillips regarding this covers album, called "Nineteeneightees":

NINETEENEIGHTEES exhumes an age whose underground music has long outlasted the more popular songs of it’s airwaves. At least for me, anyway, and that’s basically the spirit of this album. It’s my personal mix tape, just as it’s reeled around in my head for decades. In truth, there nothing like the real thing. The originals are thankfully available and easily itunable for the most part. And yet these melodies, these words demand to be sung, strummed and passed down as is oral tradition. What’s taken shape in the late hours of my downtime is a semi-acoustic rendering of cult classics by The Pixies, Joy Division, REM, The Cure, Robyn Hitchcock, The Church, Nick Cave, New Order, Echo And The Bunnymen and The Smiths. My aim was to highlight the lyrical and melodic strength of these songs. In some cases, free the song of it’s burdensome production, an unfortunate carbon dating of the period.

That gets Jesus pretty excited people! Here's some live mp3's to hold you over. The lyrics to "Demon Called Deception" should be taught in both English Class and Religion Class. Enjoy.

Grant Lee Phillips - Demon Called Deception (live).mp3

Grant Lee Phillips - Honey Don't Think (live).mp3

Grant Lee Phillips - Mockingbirds (live).mp3

God Approved Comics

Being a fan of most all things that show how creative you guys are, I love hitting a comic shop a few times a year and picking up some comics that look great. Here's some comics I would like to give some shout outs to.

1. Dead @ 17 - The Author says he got the idea from the Evil Dead series AND C.S. Lewis! Its gotta be good! Well, mostly. I only have read the first graphic novel so far and it kinda feels like a Buffy episode... which isn't a bad thing, just not super original. But hey, what is? I thought this art is amazing and I will definitly pick up another volume. Plus it's hard to go wrong with a dead Catholic School girl killing zombies with an axe? Am I wrong?

2. Y: The Last Man - All men die but one, leaving him alone on a planet full of women. Genius! Kinda like the Mad Max series, which basically means it's kinda like perfection. Where's this tv series?

3. The Walking Dead - I know, another zombie comic, but one could argue I'm a zombie being once dead and back to life and all. Another great Mad Max feel that would also make a great tv series. This follows a small group of people after zombies pretty much take over the world.

4. Infinite Crisis - I know everything and I can barely follow this story, which is part of the fun. This comic is aiming for the fan boys, and keeping up with this is like a comic geeks red badge of courage.

5. Astonishing X-Men - Joss Whedon writing an X-Men story. What's not to love? Sure get the feeling Joss doesn't think I exist. Somebody tell him that I do before it's too late. I want him up here making movies.

Jesus Answers, Part 3

Daniel asked - I have a question. Did You "make" me choose you or did I have some choice in the matter? Also, I'm trying to follow You more every day but I seem to revert many times to bad habits. How many times can I ask for forgiveness before You stop listening to me?

Daniel, I picked you. End of story. Sometimes it is fun for you guys to think it was you that did the work, but I get all the credit… not to brag. As far as you reverting to your bad habits, cut it out. Seriously. I know you will always have trouble with sin, but the sooner you cut out the you know what, the better. However, you keep asking for forgiveness, I’ll keep shelling it out. What exact sin do you do that you think might be too big for My death not to cover? You’re forgiven. Say it with Me, you’re forgiven.


Anonymous asked – why did you make reefer?

Well, “Anonymous”, you really ain’t too anonymous to me… and with that odor following you around, more and more people are figuring you out. I made reefer because I thought it was cool. Don’t smoke it. If I got to hear one more time “if God ain’t for it, then why’d He make it?” I'm going to take out a whole monkey species. Just because I made it doesn’t mean you’re allowed to put it in your body. That’s like arguing “if God didn’t want us licking cat nipples, He wouldn’t have given us tongues.” Just say no to drugs. You might think I’m being prudish, but I know what I’m talking about. Weed makes you dumber, and you know this. I made you to be more relevant than some kid who thinks smoking weed makes you dangerous. You want to try something really wild, try following a voice inside your head that may or not be Me telling you to step out of your safe little comfort zone and give a dollar to the homeless. Sure, they might buy alcohol with that cash, but it isn’t about them. Grow up, anonymous, we could make a great team, you and I.


Robert asked, are the jews wrong? If yes, weren't you jewish? If no -- well I just can't wait to see your answer.

Good question Robert! Normally I like to answer tough tricky questions with a question of my own and then just back away for you to ponder alone in your own awkwardness… but I’ll knock this one out for you. Jews rule! Seriously, Jews rule. They win. I picked them. Why? Well, I had to pick somebody, and they were the underdogs at the time. That change yet? Jews totally get the hook up in Heaven, too. They get their own song and everything. Being Jewish is where it’s at. But (and you probably thought there would be a big “but” coming, well here it is) right now, the average Jew is a little confused as to who exactly I am… just like most everyone else. As long as they figure out how I fit in that puzzle of life and the afterlife, they are fine. Jews aren’t wrong, they are just sinners like everyone else, looking for a Savior to come. Some think He already showed up, some are still waiting. If you were a smart man, Robert (and I did make you to be a smart man, Robert), I’d read some info about the possibility of option one.


Anonymous asked, I now understand that in Your book, oral sex counts, but I wonder why and how you reached that determination. Is kissing ok? Holding hands? Touching through the clothes, under the clothes, in the dark, or in a box with a fox? Could I get a handie without remorse?

All you little horn dogs wanna know which base is safe, and honestly they are all good as long as there’s no sinning. If you think you can kiss with good thoughts going through your head, then go for it. But if kissing makes you think about ripping off some clothes, maybe you need to take a step back. The problem isn’t making out, the problem is trying to glorify Me in all you do. Now, this might sound weird as anything, but it is possible to make out and glorify Me at the same time. But this isn’t your glitch, Anonymous. You need to figure out if I’m really real. And if there is a God, could I really care enough about you to want a relationship with you. And it I do, would you want to be in that friendship with Me? You asked me if masturbating was a sin, and it is, but that is not the biggest God question that you should be wrestling with right now. Trust Me, we got feelings up here that make ejaculation pale in comparison. Wanna try that, focus on unseen for a bit. Let Me change your life.


Taylor asked, what artist is going to be the next big thing? Is another Sufjan going to emerge this year? I know you might not want to tell who because it'll be funner for us to find out on our own, but at least give us some kind of hint....

Well apparently not Grandaddy, RIP. Wretched world. Oh well, I’m ok with their decay. I’m not going to give too much away, but I think it is safe to say that 2006 will not be the year that Sufjan’s Iowa CD takes over the world. I’d love to seem some props get thrown Michael Stipe’s way, he did birth all your music after all, but it is not a perfect world. I think it’s also safe to say that 2006 won’t be the year of Bo Bice. All the angels are pretty excited to see what Radiohead pulls out of their rears this year. Because I’m God, I can channel in albums that never existed and give them a listen, and I must say My copy of the new Neutral Milk Hotel album has yet to leave my turntable.


Jeremy Sawatzky asked, do you like any "christian" bands? you know, artists on christian labels and whatnot... mercy me, third day, any of them? because they really like singing to you and about you, yet in my humble opinion, they really lack any musical talent/substance. but i could be wrong. what do you think?
Jeremy, I got bad news for you, I actually do love a lot of that Christian stuff, but really only just because I get a kick out of it when people write stuff about Me. Now, loving and liking can be two totally different things, and as far as me liking that kind of stuff, no I really don’t much like it. Give me some Pedro the Lion over Third Day any Day. In fact, that Third Day wasn’t even supposed to be a band. I gave that dude one good song, that “Love Song” song, and he went off thinking he could make a whole career out of the talent I gave him. Christians like to take something great out of the culture, suck the sin out of it, and make a sugar-free replica of the same thing that is now safe for the kiddies. Never mind that the average kid likes some danger in their music. I still blame the rise of Pearl Jam for the success of Third Day, which is like Eddie Vedder without his soul. Over The Rhine loves Me. Give me some Damien Jurado over Third Day any Day. I see more proof of My existence in a Ween cd than in a Mercy Me album. Lately, Jesus Christ has been going through a huge Ween phase. Ween and Muse. Is that weird? Ween, Muse, and Sandi Patty.

Is there A Me?

Do I exist? This is often asked. I tend to think the answer is pretty clear. However, I can see the confusion.

For example, proof that I exist:

The Dark Crystal 2 is in the works!!!!!

How cool is that?!!! And it it being done by the guy who made those Star Wars Clone Wars cartoons that were better than any of the prequels. I must exist.

And now, proof that maybe I don't exist:

Harmony Korine steps out of his hiding place to direct a Cat Power video.